Hello and welcome to my account. I admit that I suck when it comes to writing stories, so I will mostly be using this for alerts and favourite notifications.
C'est la vie - That's life
War does not decide who is right – it decides who is left
The Worst Things About Glasses
-People always feel the need to rip them off your face
And now for my list of Chuck Noris jokes:
"Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone."
"When Alexander Bell invented the phone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris."
"Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The grizzly bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to move."
"Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is logic."
"There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives."
"Some wizards can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land."
"Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter."
"Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants."
"Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience."
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice."
"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."
"Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffs."
"When Chuck Norris does push ups, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the world down."
"There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live."
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
"Chuck Norris starred in all three Star Wars movies... as the Force."
I guess it’s like that rule of the internet says. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it… ;D
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are unconcerned by the dismal state of their education, or the fact that their fanfiction is raping the English language. If you're part of the five percent of fanfiction writers/readers who do care about such things, cut and paste this, and then leave reviews for those poor souls who know not what they do.
But most of all
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'
If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things' (Note: I'm not a girl)
As Andrew Joshua Talon said so nicely in his fic "Hands":
"You have to pose as some kind of alpha jerk to a woman just to get her to pay you any attention! You have to deflect and deceive and flirt and everything else! You can't just be straight with a woman, you have to navigate a minefield of awkwardness! You have to take her feelings into account, be polite, but if you're kind she'll think you're boring or just let you hang on to make her feel better about herself because she can't just tell you she's not interested in you but she wants to use you! You have to want to bang her and make that your goal and use her psychology to that end otherwise you're not a man!"
"Nana, this is Harry Potter. Harry, this is my Nan, Elspeth Cressida Howsham."
Elspeth blinked in confusion as she studied the strong-looking boy at Hermione's side. "Well, hello there," she said, taking his hand. "I'm a little confused, though. Wasn't your friend Harry Potter…well, didn't he die this last summer?"
"Yes," Harry said, "but I'm feeling better now, thank you."
‘This world belongs to Cassandra Frasier, she’s just letting you borrow it, and I’m in charge anywhere I want to be’ Sharp replied flatly.
My Rules of Fanfiction that should be made into conventions:
1) Time travel and memory loss for the main character do not mix.
2) Always make sure there are no grammar or spelling errors in your summary. This is meant to attract people to your fic. It probably means your whole story has these things if they are in your summary.
3) Never publish an abandoned fic, people will hate you (especially if it was good).
4) If it's under 5,000 words don't bother to publish it:
a)Exception 1: Unless it has some good smut.
b)Exception 2: Unless it's a one-shot.
c)Exception 3: Unless you're damn sure it's good.
d)Exception 4: Unless it's a sequel or a prequel to a longer fic.
5) You can never go wrong with a good travel to alternate reality fic (it's reality people, not dimension. There are 10 or so dimensions in each reality/universe).
7) Memory loss in general is a bad plot tool. If the main character forgets how will anything be different from canon (and don't give me that instinct shit)
8) If in doubt about the quality of your fic write a bunch of smut and label it PWP (porn without plot for newbies). Ficwad and Adultfanfiction will always welcome you with open arms. :D
9) You can also never go wrong with some good time travel mixed with smut and ass kicking. People will love you. The people that don't and bitch are the same ones who bitch about everything in their pathetic little lives.
10) Flamers: Go to hell! People who take 5 pages in an email to send us flames need to burn in the deepest darkest pits of hell. When you read the tortures I'm going to write for senator Kinsey in my latest fic I'm thinking of you. It's hard enough to publish something on here for thousands of people to read without you assholes putting writers down. Only hit that review button if you actually have something that is considered constructive criticism. Otherwise don't even bother messaging.
"Funny story, my last gf was a lot younger than me, she kept calling me a pedophile. I was like "lol that's a big word for a 6 year old."
Valar Morghulis. Valar Dohaeris. All men must die. All men must serve.
Phil fell back on the ground laughing. "HA! PONYVILLE! You ponies actually decided to call your town Ponyville?! That's gotta be the worst town name I've ever heard! Man, I would've loved to be at the meeting for picking the town name. 'Hey everybody, I've got a great idea. Let's name our town after our own species!' 'Oh, marvellous name, Jacob! Where ever did you get that idea?' 'It's what I did with my son, isn't that right Pony Joe?' 'I hate you so much Dad'. Woah, cracks me up just thinking about it."
"Woah, Mister Sunflower, your flank is really muscular for some reason. Do you like...work out your roots or something?"
"...Yeah, I'm just lifting all day in the garden. There's nothing logically wrong with that sentence at all..."
"Ahem." We turned our fearful gazes her way. She did not look amused. "And just what were you two doing last night?"
"I honestly have no clue," I answered. "I was drugged."
She went cross-eyed looking at her horn. It didn't glow. "You have a reprieve." Her eyes turned to Spike. "And you?"
His eyes darted to me and then back to her. "You're okay with him getting drugged like that?" Her eyes hardened and her mouth tightened. Spike seemed to sink a little in on himself and he gulped. "I uh… I think I was drugged?" Her horn glowed.
"Holy shit, Spike. You just rose three ranks in the bro-army." Celestia moved her glare to me and I held up my arms in a placating gesture. "Just sayin'." To do what he did without being drugged? Damn, man."
"Well hold on there, partner.' Don't you want to try my sweet applesauce?"
I did a double take on that one. Then I saw that he was pointing to a bowl of applesauce. "I'm good, thanks."
"What about letting your tongue taste my sweet apple ring?"
If I had been drinking I would have spit it out. I looked at him, my eyes wide. I saw that he was actually pointing at apple rings. "I think I just lost my appetite. Forever. Sorry."
"If that key of yours works, there will be one less great mystery in the world," she idly commented as she pulled some paper out.
"What do you mean?"
"Somebody dug up a metal chest one day in their back yard. They didn't know what it was but anyone could tell by looking at it how old it was. It passed hands for years until it ended up here. No one could open it, not even the greatest locksmiths." She was tracing the runes on the sword onto the paper. "Or maybe he's opening the jammed filing cabinet. The intern lost the key to that thing months ago and we never bothered unsticking it."
"I'm going to kill you so hard that you will die to death."
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'
Maybe if humans had been this kind and considerate, then he wouldn't have tried to wipe them out and establish a new world order.
Or you would have found some other way to justify it because you're a cold, unfeeling sociopath, Wesker.
Possibly, but it was nice to pretend.
"Christianity : The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Makes perfect sense." -Christopher Hitchens
••) .•) .•.•) .•)
"He reminds me of myself when I was younger. Young, brash, foolish, and an inveterate skirt-chaser. Seeing him act like this is... nostalgic, in a way."
"Really?" she said drily. "What happened to change that attitude of yours, then?"
"My family was accused of treason and publicly hanged from the gallows in the town square."
Taking a single calming breath Hayes shuffled around the collection of paper he always left on the stand which included: three sheets of blank paper, a very old game of knots and crosses that was rumored to be over fifty years old and the menu for his favorite Chinese take away.
Thor downed half the bottle of moonshine in one shot before nodding appreciatively, it was only a good drink if you lost the feeling in your feet
"Not evil, no. Just apathetic. But remember that you have a wife you can take your stress out on by pretending she's a piece of meat and just tenderizing her."
The small smile he had slowly disappeared as that processed. "...Is that a sex joke or a wife abuse joke?"
"Take it how you want. I'm gonna bail. See you later."
"Freki, women are weird." He didn't answer. "But they feel really good when you put your dick in them, so I suppose sacrifices must be made."
Councillor Tevos had a headache. It was the exact size, shape and volume as Councillor Sparatus.
"No response, sir." said the Comms tech.
"No, they'll have to call up their bosses, who'll call up their bosses. There'll be yelling and screaming, at least one cup of whatever they have instead of coffee falling on the floor, and we'll be getting a reply right about now."
"Welcome back Mr. Potter." The goblin greeted him. "My name is Griphook."
"Griphook? Have we met before?" Harry asked.
The goblin shook his head.
"Is Griphook a family name?"
"Mr. Potter all goblins are named Griphook."
"You can't free somebody who likes their prison," Harry said quietly, before he gestured to the handcuffs binding him to the bedposts. "You can free them if they're handcuffed to the bed though."
There is a "lie" in believe,
There is an "over" in lover,
There is an "end" in friend
There is an "if" in life.
There's no "I" in TEAM but there's an "M" and an "E."
And after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says "W.T.F."
"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the Universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a chair has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.
If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it everytime I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh shit , I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole."
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions.
That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
"If what he said is true, I don't think there are going to be many friendly people here," I said. "We can try talking to the first… whatever we see, but I want you to be ready to blow it up. Alright?"
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. - Douglas Adams
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
Don't take life seriously, no one ever makes out alive anyways. —Unknown
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of its students. —Louis Hector Berlioz
"Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years."
"We are not retreating -- We are advancing in another direction." General Douglas MacArthur
"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"Violence is only a last resort for the foolish, xeno. The wise resort to it much sooner"
"The Baneblade, for those sick of holding the line"
"The Imperium never loses. I'm sorry? Did you say something? EXTERMINATUS!"
A good soldier obeys without question. A good officer commands without doubt.
Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.
To admit defeat is to blaspheme against the Emperor.
For those who seek perfection there can be no rest on this side of the grave.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I know that these are dark and trying times. Believe me, I understand. But we are the Inquisition - we know where you live...
"No-one expects the Inquisition"
After all, if something has a good use, its easy to forget that in time, it will betray you...
"Sir it's perfectly safe."
"That's what they said about the Teleportarium until Weston got turned inside-out."
Confucius says: Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernail.
Naked man fears no pick pocket.
Man who piss into wind get wet.
Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules
Mama always said a woman was like a cigar, nice and juicy at first, but over time becomes blunt and bitter and you have to get a new one.
Death is a bitch, albeit one with a really big scythe.
If a dead man's walking, then the executioner sucked.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else hates your guts.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Make it fool-proof and someone will find a bigger fool.
Bringing the French to a war is like taking an accordian with you when you go hunting. Just extra noise and baggage.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure...
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Alcohol is like a crutch: Makes climbing stairs a bitch.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Rehab is for quitters.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy!
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Guns don't kill people, the bullets do.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
Heaven is a place where the women are quiet. Otherwise, Hell would be in two places at once.
If psychics know the future, then why don't they win the friggin' lottery already?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do 24/7 stores have locks on their doors?
The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world - the G-Man, Half-Life 2
"Lyra, I'm not… what?"
You aren't sure of what to say to this. Pinkie, for some god awful reason, convinced a local unicorn to animate some treats she made. She got a stand out here so she could sell the animated treats. Lyra's trying to make you eat a gingerbread pony right now.
"Come on, take a bite!" Lyra urges you.
"Yeah, take a bite!" the gingerbread pony says to you, making you jump. "I'm sweet and delicious and totally worth it!"
Pinkie continues to stare at you with a wide smile as Twilight stands there, becoming very impatient.
"Just eat the darn thing so we can move on already," Twilight says grumpily.
Picking up the talking treat, it lets out a giggle. "That tickles!" it says as you slowly open your mouth and take a bite out of it.
"Ooh, you went for my behind! Oh yeah, chew me up real nice and good. You don't know how good this feels with your tongue sliding up against my bits! More, chew me some more!"
Everyone stares at the gingerbread pony who is getting more detailed overtime in how you're chewing it. You feel yourself pale a little as the confectionary urges you to take another bite of it.
"Hehehehe…" Pinkie nervously chuckles out. "I guess I better mark that one for adults only then…"
You place the cookie down and slowly walk away. The horrid little treat starts yelling at you to come back and finish it off. You ignore it.
"How has your time here been?" Celestia asks, once more with a smile.
"It's… different, I'll admit. My world's not full of the magic and the strange wonders that yours has. Everything's so different to what I'm used to."
"Share some of your experiences with us, if you'd be so kind."
"I… don't think you'd want to hear about them."
"Please, it'll be awhile before the food gets here and I'm truly interested to hear about your time here."
"…Well, let's see. There was that library pony that locked me in a cage and tortured me for a week. There's that week where Big Mac kept trying to get me into a relationship with him and start a herd. Then there's when Rose got half the town to chase me around for half the day trying to throw me into the Everfree Forest. I finally convinced her I'm not a monster but there are still a few ponies here and there that still don't agree with me being there."
"Oh! I've also got a reputation now that I can rub any pony into a blissful state of euphoria! That one's really annoying since I keep getting everyone asking me to 'rub them off'. I've also got a few stalkers following me wherever I go out in town that no one seems to notice whenever I try to point them out, there's a gathering of mares AND stallions that keep asking me about the weirdest shit, and Pinkie… don't get me started on her!"
"Is there something wrong with her?"
"No, there isn't. She's a cool pony and fun to be around. Pinkie… she's better when taken in small doses. She's just over the top all the time! From the little things like throwing pies at me for something called 'pie day' that only she knew about, to that damn animated gingerbread cookie of hers!"
You dig into your pocket for a pouch you keep in there. It's full of rocks. You take a rock out of it and chuck it out the open window on your side, eliciting a yelp from it.
"I see you out there, you fucker!"
"I just want you to eat me up! Chew me into delicious chunks and swallow me whole!"
You already tried that! It was creepy as hell, but you did! The fucker kept rejuvenating all its wounds, trying to force you to eat the damn thing forever! You even tried eating it all in one go but the damn crumbs turned into a new cookie! You throw another rock, forcing the thing to yelp out once more.
"You'll come around soon enough for another bite of my sweet behind!" it yells out before jumping off the ledge.
"…Why is that thing following you? How did that cookie get past security?" Luna questions. "Why was there a talking cookie in the first place?"
I'm getting a bad feeling about this.
"Twilight, what is the sky?" I carefully ask, fearing her response.
"The sky?" She sounded a bit incredulous. "The sky is the plane upon which the sun and moon move, along with the stars we just mentioned. It's not a physical thing, not really."
I breathed easy for a moment. That sounded right.
"The sky just constitutes the outer limit of our universe."
"Excuse me for a moment." I quickly left the room, my face impassive and straight. I walked past the bookshelves, ignoring the confused sounds behind me. I found the door and stepped outside.
"I have taken the soul of a mortal by the name of Tom Riddle, yes. Many times," Death admitted with a pleased smile. Revenge had been sweet, indeed. Tom's soul had tasted like dark chocolate, and he'd had the pleasure of taking his soul seven different times. It was rather funny since the soul seemed to remember its numerous previous deaths even if the body didn't. He idly wondered if Lord Voldemort's soul would taste similar in this new dimension.
"'Taken the soul'?" Other-Harry asked, slightly horrified and slightly fascinated, blatantly ignoring Dumbledore's warning glance to be silent. Death turned to Other-Harry, Tom forgotten as he refocused on his alternate, mortal shell. "What do you mean you 'took his soul'? You mean like a dementor?"
Ah! So dementors existed over here, too? He wondered when he'd get around to going back and making them. He grinned at Other-Harry, wide and sharp and more than slightly mad, running his tongue over his teeth in remembrance. "It's far more accurate to say that dementors take souls like me
Death didn't know why these words made the mortals around him so horrified, but it made him laugh nonetheless.
"Shaggy, I'm really grateful you rescued Daphne and me, and doggy style doesn't bother me at all, but for the last time, I won't wear a tail."