Author has written 3 stories for Harry Potter, and D.Gray-Man.
none of this is mine
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me. "
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
I AM THE GIRL
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, Twitter, Facebook because i just don't see the appeal. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment),who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one else seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Harry Potter, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her (yet it would be nice) and knows the importance of the little things.
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that jerk upside the head
19.) "Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."
21.) Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"
Guns don't kill people. I do.
My imaginary friend doesn't like you either.
30.) flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
31.) Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS
32.) The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
33.) The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
34.) Assassinations is an extreme form of censorship.
I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have.
39.) Somebody needs a Happy Meal.
42.) Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing.
46.) I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.
Although, chainsaw beats scissors, paper, AND rock!
48.) I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow
To put it nicely, I hope you choke.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.
Would you like a cookie? So would I.
56.) You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
57.) Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.
58.) A day without sunshine is like... night.
59.) A rejected invention: Instant water! just add water!
60.) Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot
61.) Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!
62.) Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
63.) I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
64.) I do what cheerios tell me.
65.) I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.
66.) I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you!
67.) I'm knocking on heaven's door.. voice in back round: Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!! me: That wasnt my fault!! It was poor constrution... I SWEAR!! Dont look at me like that...
68.) If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.
69.) My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...
70.) Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.
72.) Okay...so there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my freinds, well...We've gone pro.
oh and does anyone know where the rejection to chat up lines are posted?
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: Do you have a map? Because I am lost in your eyes.
Man: Can I have your number?
Woman: sure but it's fake
Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you beat
Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat
If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
All the different lines Minerva McGonagall has made students write:
"If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!"
A white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:
'Silence is golden,Duct tape is silver'
There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
If you think that those kids should just give up and let Lucky have his stupid cereal back, copy this into your profile.
Copy and Past this onto your profile if you’ve looked through other people’s profiles looking for things to copy and paste.
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few by observation, and the rest to test the electric fences for themselves
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
If you can read this message, you are blessed, because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
If you can read that please put it in your profile.
A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...Cat
You know what Mommy
You went to the doctor today.
I can hear that doctor again.
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
If you're against abortion, re-post this.
10 Reasons Gay Marriage is wrong!
If you support gay marriage and want to show it, paste this into your profile.
We've got an educational system that's in the shitter, we've got a war going on, there's on thing after another, and what did our President think was important? Queers. That's what's important! That somehow, if we could stop the gays from getting married, everything else would turn out just fine! Everything would change - there'd be solar energy! The Sunni's and the Shiite's would lay down their arms: "He stopped the Queers! I love you too."
I believe that the reason that it's difficult for the gay community to be integrated into this society at large, the way they should be, is because there are no champions for them in Congress or in the White House. And that is the way that every group of people has basically been integrated into society. That's the way it works.
Instead, you have people like Rick Santorum, a senator from Pennsylvania, who says things that he should think and...shut his fucking mouth. You can go ahead and think it, that's fine, but you don't say aloud that homosexuality is a threat to the American family. Because that's prejudice. That's complete and utter prejudice and ignorance, on a level that is staggering at this point in time. It's very similar to the prejudice that the Jews faced when it was thought that during the first night of Passover that we would go into the Christian community and kidnap the firstborn of Christian families and kill it! And that, for those of you who don't realize, is bullshit! We would've kidnapped the child and made him work for us, and that's a big difference.
Homosexuality is a threat to the American family, are you kidding me? How? No one ever explains it. How? It's like there's a Jehovah's Witnesses of Gaydom! "Hi, we're here and we're Queer, we're here and we're Queer!" "I brought swatches, I brought swatches!"
But maybe I'm wrong! Maybe there are a group of Gay Banditos! Who get into a van everyday and wander from village to dell. And as night begins to fall, they go back into a suburban neighborhood, to that cul de sac, where only one house stands. And in the window, a young American family is just sitting down for their first meal. And these Queers...these Queers...don their black cloaks and hoods and matching pumps - very tasteful - and they charcoal up their faces and they sneak up to that house and open the door and start: FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS!!
And another American family is destroyed!
"This is the crack team that foils my every plot?! I am deeply shamed."
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Sark: Good luck, Sydney.
Normal is just a setting on your dryer.
Words can't hurt you unless the person saying them writes them on an anvil and drops it on your head.
I have no preference. I hate everyone equally.
To think I'm going to die because I flirt with women.
I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die.
Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
I am more afraid of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion than of 100 lions led by a sheep.
Always plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
He was so narrow-minded that he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
People are very open-minded about new things - as long as they are exactly like the old ones.
"Luck is my middle name," said Rincewind, indisctincly. "Mind you, my first name is Bad."
Whoever said sunshine brings happiness never danced in the pouring rain.
Books are always better than real, live boyfriends any day of the week. They don't talk back and they're always there for you. You can have as many of them as you want and they won't complain.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
You may have created my past, and screwed up my present, but you have no control over my future.
"The best advice I can give you is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others."
"If you can’t beat them, join them. If you can’t join them, bribe them. If you can’t bribe them, blackmail them."
The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
You are unique just like everybody else
"I'm gonna be over here, brooding, silently."
Well, not all of us can come and go by bubble.
They're just shoes - let it go!
Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?
Let the little girl go, and that poor little dog...Dodo.
Glinda: Elphie...You mustn't blame yourself. It's dreadful, it is, to have a house fall on you, but accidents do happen.
There's a goat on the lamb, sir.
Elphaba: So you lied to them?
Galinda: What's in this punch?
Well, what could he have gotten me? I clash with everything.
We've got men, we've got rockets, we've got Saran Wrap; fix it!
God created man before woman because every masterpiece needs a rough draft.
A friend will console you when you're rejected by that person you like, but a REAL friend would march right up to them and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
Well behaved women rarely make history.
"Me? I'm dishonest, and with a dishonest man, you can always trust him to be dishonest. Honestly, its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you never know when he's going to turn around and do something incredibly stupid."
If you're against gay marriage, don't marry someone of the same sex.
“SHE IS THE FANGED SERPENT. SHE SEES WISHES IN YOUR BRAIN.”
The scarred man smirked before looking at the occupants in the bed, “Hello, law abiding citizens,” his gaze shifted to the three Uchihas, “Marginally law abiding citizens,” and then his eyes fell on Kisame, “… citizen.”
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that incase of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
“One of the mermaids is a closet-pervert and will try to molest my soul!”
“How about this? The chances are better for Snape to suddenly declare his open armed support for inter-house unity by standing in the middle of a busy hallway and shouting ‘HOUSE UNITY HUG SANDWICH! SLYTHERIN MEAT!’ at which point Sirius and Remus could come up and warmly cuddle him in their arms simultaneously to which he would reply ‘I’m warm and toasty like pastrami caressed with wonder bread.’”
“Whatever my grievances, Headmaster,” She said in a dead-on impression of Dumbledore. “I am sure I can address them best by pinning you to the outer wall of your castle and skinning you alive. Knife?” She asked in the exact same tone Dumbledore had used and opened her cloak to reveal lines and lines of glittering weapons.
"What are you even going to do with six kids for a month?" Sam said.
"We could summon Death, point to Voldemort and say 'that one'."
FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella BEST FRIENDS:Take yours and say 'RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE!'
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS:Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS:Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS FREAKING AWSOME"
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS:Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say 'its because your gay isn't it?'
FRIENDS: Will tell you that you're a great singer even if you're terrible BEST FRIENDS: Will tell you that you suck.
FRIENDS: Will ask why you're crying BEST FRIENDS: Will already have a shovel to bury the loser that made you cry.
the difference between god and a surgion, God dosnt think he's a surgion
-B- somin else
a storry that would strike terror in to the hearts of all those
Mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that. Magic is not knowing, magic is wondering about what and how and where." Cortez, from The Longest Journey
He dares to be a fool, and that is the first step in the direction of wisdom.
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.
Columbo arrives at the crime scene by crashing into the back of a police car. Columbo hardly pauses to look for damage,
In whatever way they come and on whatever day, it is the duty of the constable to enroll everything in order, for he has record as to the things he sees; but he cannot judge, because there is no judgment at the Tower, since there the third element of a judicial proceeding is lacking, namely a judge and jurisdiction. He has record as to matters of fact, not matters of judgment and law
"How sickeningly adorable." She said, deadpan.
Mycroft's face twisted into a Cheshire cat grin, which always succeeds in freaking John out
Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping
"He, my dear fellow, if the kind of man whome on being hit by an automobile or in some other equaly frightful acident would imidiatly turn to ask if the driver is ok! He- the poor devil- is mearly a child of over exuverants whose own actions bellie always a sence of utomost kindness and inocents! I find myself insulted that you a man of so low and crule a cunning could dare smite his name with such a degradeing form of word that should it once more pass your lips i will take it quite willingly upon myself to take out your tounge!"
Don't mess with me I've got a stick. (wowness XD)
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid
You're just jealouse because the voices are talking to me
"I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned."
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If at first you don't succeed, Then skydiving isn't for you!
'If you can't beat them, join them; if you can't join them, kill them; if you can't kill them, blow them all to kingdom come!"
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Normal people make good pets.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Where negotiation and diplomacy fail, high explosives substitute nicely.
I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame you!
Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!
Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and you LOSE that it's weird.
One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.
Yeah! I love wearing straight jackets, too! I get to hug myself!
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
It's funny till someone get's hurt, the it's freakin hilarious!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Love me or hate me. Personally, I could care less.
Promises mean everything, but once they're broken, "I'm sorry" means nothing.
Joe: Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
There is no shame in not knowing. The shame lies in not finding out.
My imaginary friend thinks you have some real problems.
BRB, my fish just drowned
I am getting sick and tired of slitting the throats of the people who say I'm a violent psychopath!
OMG! The rain's wet!
Life is a job. Death is the Lord's way of saying, "You're fired." Suicide is human's way of saying, "I quit." Immortality means, "I like my job."
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the first one.
If your going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.
I'm not afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the ninja's that hide in the dark.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be?
Somewhere, were depriving a village of it's idiot
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn
There is a light at the end of every tunnel...just pray it's not a train. (Poor Harry Dresden)
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. (This excuse does NOT work on my parents)
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "Mental illness" (I wouldnt know its miles behined me)
"Whoever said nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to slam a revolving door."
"Are you an idiot?"
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99 of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7 of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic boyfriend... but he left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And an all time favorite- 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
When life gives you lemons... MAKE YAOI!
If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.
There are 3 kinds of people, those who make it happen, those who watch it happen and those who don't know what the hell is happening.
Today is a beautiful day. Now watch some idiot screw it up.
Today I was in the library and I got bored, so I picked up the Bible and started reading it. Some random guy walked up to me, pointed to the book and said, " The main character dies..." Then he walked away.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.
When life gives you lemons make grape juice and let the world wonder how you did it.
I AM NOT CRAZY! My reality is just different than yours.
When life gives you lemons squeeze them in some body's eyes and RUN!
"Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!"
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.
Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. Like choking.
There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?
Some people are like a slinky. They have absolutely no use; but you can't help smile, when you see one fall down the stairs.
I lay at my bed last night, counting the stars, and I thought to myself: Where the fuck did my ceiling go?!
Ever notice how DYING is at the end of STUDYING?
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work.
Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING.
MENtal pain, MENtal anxiety, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... all our problems start with men!
God created man before woman because every masterpiece needs a rough draft.
Guns don't kill people. People kill people. Well I think guns help because if you just stood around saying "BANG" it wouldn't do much.
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
"I reject your reality and substitute my own." Adam Savage, Mythbusters
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Unknown
“When there's a will, I want to be in it.” – Unknown
When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!
Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as the go by.
"True love is when you don't want to sleep because real life is so much better than a dream"
I'm a little teapot short and stout; here is my Handle, here is my...other handle? Shit. now i'm a sugar bowl
When You Dial A Mental Hospital...
"Welcome to Psychiatric World. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear..."
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?
is represented as:
H A R D W O R K
K N O W L E D G E
A T T I T U D E
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And look how far this will take you...
A S S K I S S I N G
Think about it... and have a nice day at work... :)
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Only in
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places
3. Only in America...do drugstores
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers,
5. Only in America...do banks leave
6. Only in
7. Only in America...do we use
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to
10. Only in America...do they have
They laugh because we're losers...
The trouble with life is there's no background music. I'm getting that fixed...
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I live there and really don't want to see you everyday.
Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.
friends multiply happiness and divide evil.
you have never truly lived until you have put every member of your family to bed, including parents and elder siblings XD
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back."The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.
She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."
"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is.
Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’.
Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever.
Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.
Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy.
Draco Malfoy … disagrees.
Ron Weasley … is very afraid.
Hermione Granger:...is more afraid than Ron
Ron Weasley:...is more afraid than anyone especially Hermione
Harry Potter:...is bored of this conversation and want's to kick Voldie's butt
Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thanks very much.
Voldemort ... HAS A NOSE OKAY?!
Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.
Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.
George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.
Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.
James Potter … doesn’t believe her.
Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’.
Sirius Black … killed by drapery.
Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences.
Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane.
Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence.
Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff.
Slytherins … will push someone else off.
Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase.
Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet.
this is this dog
this is is dog
this is how dog
this is to dog
this is keep dog
this is an dog
this is idiot dog
this is busy dog
this is for dog
this is forty dog
this is seconds dog
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down. If you get it. Paste it. :D
Arthur: Shut up Merlin!
Merlin: Will it be hot? Will it be cold? Will it be wet? Will it be dry?
Merlin: What? Really? I don't know what to pack! Hang on...You don't know where we're going do you?"
Arthur: Of course I know! I just can't tell you!"
Merlin: I suppose you'd have to kill me" *joking*
Arthur: Immediately and without hesitation" *stone faced*
Merlin: Okaaay. Love a good surprise...who doesn't love surprises..."
Arthur: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't run you through right now!
Dragoon: You shouldn't do that! Because if you did that, you would never learn of my plan...
Arthur: What plan?
Dragoon: EXACTLY! That's why you can't run me through!
Uther: Can someone please explain what happened"
Uther: Someone with a brain?
Arthur: Now I realize you're not as big of a fool as you look.
Merlin: I feel the same, now that I realize you're not as arrogant as you sound.
Arthur: Do you still think I'm arrogant?
Merlin: No. More... supercilious.
Arthur: That's a big word Merlin. Are you sure you know what it means?
Arthur: Very good.
Arthur: It doesn't quite mean that...
Merlin: No. These are just other things you are.
Dragoon: Questions...So many damn questions! For once in your life, would you just do what you told!
Merlin: Mmm… Must be irritating.
Arthur: I’m the one who gives the orders. Remember?
Merlin: Yeah. You ready? Let’s go.
Merlin: You're a hero.
Arthur: Thank you, Merlin.
Merlin: Not to me, to your people.
Arthur: And why is that?
Merlin: Because I know something that they don’t
Arthur: And what is that? *Merlin looks around. No-one is watching.*
Merlin: You, my friend are a cabbage head.
Arthur: Describe Dollop head.
Merlin: In two words?
Arthur: Er yeah
Merlin: Prince Arthur
Arthur: You should follow them. The woods is safe
Merlin: Hmm...Nah, I've seen the woods already
Arthur: We have to lift him onto the bed.
Merlin: What? He’s asleep. He’ll never know.
Merlin: Well… I’ll suppose he can have a pillow.
Arthur: But...he’s the king!
Merlin: All right, fine! Two pillows.
Merlin: I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after Arthur! I cook his meals, clean his clothes, not to mention the small matter of saving his life every other day. And what do I get in return? I get picked on at training this morning, and when I try to tell him why and how Elyan is acting the way he is, he nearly takes my head off! Gaius? Are you even listening?! Great! I might as well not even exist! Hello, my name is Merlin. Don’t worry about me, I’m not even here! I mean, It's not like I a have a great destiny! Nope not me!
Merlin: "How long have you been training to be a prat?"
Arthur: "You can't talk to me like that."
Merlin: "I'm so sorry, how long have you been training to be a prat, my lord?"
I do not write what is on my profile. ah the miracle of copy and paste
Don't upset me, i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Be optimistic, someday everyone you hate are going to die.
Sometimes i lay awake at night and ask "Where have i gone wrong?" and a little voice in my head says "This is gonna take more than one night."
The buddy system is essential to survive, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Forgive your enemies, it messes with their heads.
9 out of the 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.
I'm not afraid of death, what's it gonna do? Kill me?
Boys are like slinky's, useless but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I used to have super powers but then my therapist took them away.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
Go to hell!" "Been there, done that, got bored, bought a t-shirt, came back.
When I argue with myself it's normal. It's when I argue with myself and I LOSE that it's weird.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
It is surprising that history should be so dull considering that so much of it is invented.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Heaven kicked me out. Hell is afraid I'll take over.
(Someone boring talking to you) "Hold that thought, I need to do something" walk over and stare at a wall "yup, a lot more interesting"
I used to think that the whole world was against me. Now I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
"If there's a light at the end of the tunnel it's the oncoming train"
"Whoever said that words don’t hurt, never got hit by a dictionary."
Parents spend the first half of your life teaching you to walk and talk, and the other half telling you to sit down and shut up.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh harder.
People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.
Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
Your village called, their idiot is missing
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
This isn't school! This is Hell with fluorescent lighting.
If con is the opposite of pro, tell me, what is the opposite of progress?
I'm never wrong. Once, I thought I was, but I was mistaken.
If it wasn’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence.
If you hate someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile away from them AND you have their shoes.
Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you throw it hard enough.
Whoever said, "Nothing is impossible," never tried slamming a revolving door.
You are an asset, when you’re not being a pain in the asset.
Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish.
You can have as many friends that money can buy, but I’ll still hate you for free.
I never apologize. I’m sorry, that’s just the way I am.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomachs?
Me? Fail English!? … That’s unpossible!
I wonder if people wonder what I wonder, because I wonder what people wonder. Do YOU wonder what I wonder? Now THAT is what I wonder. I wonder what you’re wondering as you wonder what I wonder, if of course you’re even wondering what I’m wondering… I wonder...
I ate my homework cos my teacher said it was a piece of cake. – she lied.
If all the world's a stage... where the heck is the audience sitting??
Don’t expect the unexpected unless the unexpected expects you.
I am a member of NAPWDLA…National Association of People Who Don’t Like Abbreviations
There’s a fine line between genius and stupidity… I like to jump rope with that line.
In the beginning God made the heaven and the earth. The rest was made in China.
I am never serious. Seriously.
A message to LIFE: Please stop giving me lemons, can I have some chocolate now?
I don’t walk away from fights, I prefer running.
Many of us have sought the meaning of life. Fortunately it’s out on DVD now.
I’m always right… except when I’m wrong.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Excuse me, but do these stairs go up?
Traffic is moving at a standstill.
I have multiple personalities, and so do I.
I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me. Wait.
I always lie. Trust me.
To kill a mocking bird. Now that’s one less bird that will wake you up, with it’s chirping.
If aliens come down to earth looking for intelligent life. Wrong planet. Sorry.
If life gives you lemons, say, “Great! I love lemons! What else ya got?”
Who’s stupid, the stupid that called the stupid, stupid, or the stupid who was called stupid by the stupid?
HEY CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THE CAPS LOCK KEY IS FOR.
Why can’t I get any soup with this fork?
Today, I took an elevator up from the top floor to the basement. It was up-lift-ing.
The is a thin line between a stupid and a fool. I’m on a quest to discover whether it was an idiot or a fool who erased it.
We cannot give you the weather today because we depend on weather reports from the airport which is shut due to weather conditions. We might be able to give you a weather report tomorrow depending on the weather.
A day without sunshine is, like night.
People always say you can be who you wanna be but I can never be a giraffe.
Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you’d better set off a few minutes earlier.
"What color was Napoleon’s white horse?" "Uh, I dunno… Black?"
As a girl was looking at a poodle, she said “Whoa! it’s a sheep!”
7 Ways to Scare your roommates
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
If your friends are WEIRD (But not as weird as you) put this on your profile.
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever said something that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile!
If you are insane, copy and paste this into your profile
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile
If you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile!(What do you mean not to put this on my profile? I have every right to, dammit!)
If you talk to yourself, copy this on to your profile
If you love someone who doesn't exist to pieces put this on your profile.
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
If you don't believe life is fair shit...copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're a girl and get sick and tired of guys assuming that you're weak and can’t fight, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever sung a song you hated so much, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever made your own "copy and paste", copy and paste this into your profile.
IF you suffer from CRS(Can't Remember Shit), copy and paste this into your profile.
"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better." - A. J. Liebling
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters." - Frank Lloyd Wright
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse." Thomas Szasz
"There is a fine line between genius and insanity I have erased this line." - Oscar Levant
"Public speaking is the art of diluting a two minute speech with a two hour vocabulary." - Evan Esar
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Alva Edison
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi
You know you have been on the computer TOO long when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name or Myspace.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.
11.) & now you're laughing at your stupidity.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for it. And you know you did.