Cheesy infomercial music scratches to life as you open the door of a dark room, accented only by a single spotlight illuminating the back of a brunette woman. It's a bit weird, but you figure you've got nothing better to do so you shrug and step in.

With a dramatic flurry of dark curls and clip-clopping heels the woman whirls around, a brilliant smile gracing her olive features.

“Hi there,” she proclaims in the oozing tones of a show hostess. “Saltwater here! Sure is nice of you to drop by.”

She takes a few sauntering steps across the darkness as the music buzzes with static, and with a loud clack another spotlight flickers on over a stone slab, which is covered in a gaudy pile of goods and wares.

“As you can see I've written a lot of rubbish that I haven't cleared out, silly me!” She picks up an oddly shaped orange lump labelled 'Jamie Spazz', and her eye twitches as she looks at it, an odd transparent flicker to her form as if the static of the music was affecting her, too.

“But you're not here for that,” she says suddenly, sweeping the tacky knick-knacks off the podium with a clatter of shattering pottery. “You're for this, aren't you?”

Turning her dark eyes to meet yours, Saltwater carefully pulls forth a brown, leather-bound journal. With reverent fingers she places it on the podium, tilting the cover so you can read 'Mostly Harmless' etched there in gold. You're intrigued, almost surprisingly so, and walk further into the room.

“Yes, come take a look,” she breaths, her smile sharpening. You don't quite noticed the music stammer to a halt as your feet draw you closer, and you reach for the book.

The Story on the Slab

Mostly Harmless

Lord of the Rings – Action / Adventure / Comedy – Rated T for mild language, mild violence
Status: On hiatus, currently undergoing re-writes. Due to be re-uploaded late 2019

She didn't ask for any of this, you know.

Amelia McCormick is just your run-of-the-mill, twenty-something modern day woman trying to get on with her life when she finds herself improbably kidnapped by two delusional elf-wannabe women, who've dragged her out to the tail-end of no-where for no discernible reason.

Only its a bit worse than that. Because it turns out she's in Middle-earth – of all the dumb, illogical plot-twists that could possibly plague her existence – and the girls remain suspiciously tight-lipped and unhelpful about the whole thing, despite clearly knowing more than they let on.

With little more than her mind at her disposal Amelia must now figure out how to get home, and she's sure it has something to do with the mysterious influence the girls keep exuding over the events and people of this world. That, oh and also try to avert one apocalyptic level crisis after another, as the idiots she's been saddled with shove themselves forcibly into the main plot-line and try to end the world with their stupidity.

All she has to do now is stay alive and keep the world rotating long enough to get back home. Easy as pie, right?

Girl falls into Middle-earth, tenth walker, book-cannon. A war between logic and reality vs Mary Sue extraordinaires.

You stop just short of picking the book up and frown. Something seems... off.

The Saltwater you thought you knew suddenly glitches again, her face dropping into a scowl before her image blinks out of existence and you're left alone in the dark.

“Listen,” a deeply gravelled female voice reverberates across the empty room. “I get it. It's about to be overhauled with something new and better. Why would you pick this version up?”

Something shifts in the darkness, and the bright gleam of large eyes appear just outside your circle of light.

“You had better come back soon, though,” she says, voice dipping, and the guttural intake of breath that follows sends a shiver down your spine. “Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't.”

And it sounded like she was smiling.