Author has written 8 stories for Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, FAKE, and Angel Sanctuary.
Since this was deleted, I'm putting it in my profile since it's the only place where it won't get deleted:
Congratulations- You are the proud owner of a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. Please follow procedures detailed in this manual.
Name: Captain Jack Sparrow.
Nicknames: Jack (although your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will often refuse to be called this.)
Manufacturers: Skulls and Cross blades Co.
Date of Production: Unknown
Weight: 130 pounds
Weapon Length: 3’1
Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will be delivered to your house. Do not be surprised to smell a strong smell of rum when you open your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW model. Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will probably be unconscious when you unpackage him, giving you plenty of time to unpackage him properly. Fill a bucket with ice-cold water and dump it on your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. Make sure to do this in a place where a ship can be seen so that your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW feels more comfortable.
CAUTION: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will drink any alcohol you leave out. Make sure to lock up all alcoholic beverages before his arrival and monitor how much he drinks.
a) Numerous bottles of rum which will probably be empty by the time he arrives.
b) A tri-corner hat
c) Ridiculously large boots
d) A sword
e) A pistol with one bullet
f) A compass that doesn’t point north
Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will probably be very attached to accessories d) and f). Do not under any circumstance attempt to take them from him. If he still has his sword, the results could be disastrous. As well as the said accessories, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will come will numerous beads and bones tangled into his hair. Do not try to remove these, either. You could permanently damage your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW model. Although CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW does not come with a BLACK PEARL, it is suggested that you buy one for him. An INTERCEPTER will work as well if a BLACK PEARL is not available.
Although most people use CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW for various bedroom activities, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is capable of doing many interesting things. So while not engaged in physical contact with your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW the following activities are suggested.
Sailor - Though a pirate, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW can be used as an honest sailor. Just set him in “Honest” mode and you can make lots of money racing ships or by using CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW as a merchant. Make sure to supervise your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW when aboard the ship to insure that he does not switch to “Dishonest mode” during the journey. You could end up with a huge lawsuit.
Negotiator - If you are ever in a tight situation or need an argument won, use your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. Set him in “Dishonest” mode and he will engage in a long and confusing conversation with the person and either tire them out so much that they will discontinue the conversation or confuse them so much they will not have a clue about what they were saying. This is only recommended if the case is severe because it is not likely that the person will ever talk to you or your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW if you use this.
Party Goer - Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will be the main attraction at parties. All your friends will love him. Just make sure to only allow him a minimal amount of alcohol.
CAUTION Do not under any circumstance let your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW go into a back room with any female especially if he has had any rum. Unless you are interested in breeding your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW which should be done with extreme caution and only with certain models. (See below).
Babysitter- Although a rough pirate, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW does exceptionally well with young children. He knows many stories and pirate songs which will captivate children’s attention for hours. Do not allow CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW near children in a “Dishonest mode.” He may end up holding them for ransom.
At is very difficult to clean your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. He will resist for all he is worth. If he is in truly bad need of a bath go to the nearest ocean with your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, jump in the water and pretend to drown. Chances are, your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will jump in to save you, perhaps removing some dirt.
Compatibility with other models:
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW can go well with four different models: ELIZABETH, WILL, ANNAMARIA, and GIBBS. CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW can be exposed to ELIZABETH models in three different modes:
Hostile (includes throwing things, yelling, and cursing but most likely no real damage to either model.)
Friendly (includes greetings, the occasional humming of “Yo ho”, and a few comments from ELIZABETH model on how interesting pirates are.
Slash (includes kissing, with or without tongues, holding hands, smiling at each other and sometimes loud noises from the bedroom and pleas for more.)
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW can be exposed to WILL models without any trouble unless there is a ELIZABETH model present and CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is set in “Slash” mode as well as the ELIZABETH model and the WILL model. In this case there may be cursing, yells and most likely your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW or your WILL model will be grievously injured. CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, ELIZABETH, and WILL models can be exposed to each other at the same time if they are set in “Friendly” mode. Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW works well with the ANNAMARIA model in most modes. Like the ELIZABETH model, ANNAMARIA can interact with your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW in “hostile,” “Friendly” or “slash” modes. “Hostile” is not a suggested mode to place your ANNAMARIA in especially in a room with a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW in “slash” mode. Most likely your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will end up with several bruises across his cheek if not completely beat up. If you put your CAPATIN JACK SPARROW in “slash” mode with an ANNAMARIA in “slash” mode you should be well prepared for a baby pirate in nine months. GIBBS can be placed in any mode with CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW (but please don’t do “slash” because that is just sick).
CAUTION: Under no circumstances should you leave a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW with a BARBOSSA or COMMODORE unsupervised. If placed with a BARBOSSA your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW or BARBOSSA will probably end up dead. If placed with a COMMODORE don’t be surprised to find your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW hanging from the roof from a rope around his neck unless you have a WILL to save him.
Frequently asked Questions:
Q: My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW has long gray hair, a huge hat, and a scar across his eye. Is this normal?
A: You have accidentally been issued a BARBOSSA model. You can receive a refund if you kept the receipt or you can keep him. He makes excellent company especially for those who are evil.
Q: I wish to breed my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. Which is the better model to plug him into? ELIZABETH or ANNAMARIA?
A: Both are acceptable unless you have a WILL in which case be sure not to use the ELIZABETH. The ANNAMARIA model seems to have faster results and often your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will take to her quicker.
Q: I bought my CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW as a guide for my sea voyages but lately I have been wanting to use him for some bedroom activities. Is this acceptable?
A: Certainly. That’s what most people buy him for. However, this is not recommended if you have a spouse or are in a steady relationship or if your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW has been with an ELIZABETH or ANNAMARIA in “Slash” mode.
Q: My CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW drinks too much. What can I do?
A: Unfortunately that’s the way he was manufactured. It is not easy to change this. If you are very concerned about this you can lock up all your alcohol and limit what he drinks.
Problem: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is obsessed with your ELIZABETH model. He refuses to go near you or your ANNAMARIA and is constantly after your ELIZABETH. He does this even when not in “Slash” mode. You have tried everything, even putting him in “Hostile” mode but this still does not work
Solution: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is not really a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW it is a WILL model. WILL models can be extremely enjoyable, but at this point it’s too late as he has already met an ELIZABETH. We suggest giving your WILL to a friend (who is under the impression it’s a wonderful gift) and buying a new WILL or CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW.
Problem: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW stinks! He smells so bad no-one wants to come near you anymore. He denies that he has an extremely strong body odor
Solution: Reread CLEANING procedure again. If this fails to work, threaten to enlist a COMMODORE if he doesn’t wash himself. If all else fails, give him twenty bottles of rum and bathe him when he’s out cold. (Unfortunately, if you have to use this, the smell of alcohol is not easily removed.)
Problem: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW is intent on getting a ship. He bugs you at any opportunity possible. You just don’t have anywhere to put a ship so you refuse but his constant pleas are getting annoying.
Solution: Just break down and buy your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW a boat. Chances are, he’s never going to be completely happy without one.
Problem: Your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW insists on playing pirates and he wants you to tie his wrist to the bed and leave him there for a little while. You are unsure about this.
Solution: You call this a problem? Enjoy it while you can!
Final Note- Guarantee:
Unless set aboard a ship in “Dishonest” mode your CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW will serve you for many pleasurable years. If your are truly concerned about losing him, breed him with an ANNAMARIA and you will have a pirate baby. We will supply a new CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW if he leaves for no reason known to you. We cannot supply CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW’s if yours dies because of your carelessness. (Such as leaving him with a COMMODORE.)
I also have a Commodore and Jack the Monkey manual if anyone is interested. E-mail me if you would like to read it.