Hi everyone! Welcome to my new and updated profile as for some reason I got around to updating (and not just adding some random copy-and-paste snippets at the end). For a sarcastic parodying interpretation of Twilight characters, please scroll down in my profile.

I can give you some random details of which books and characters I like, and if you really want to know you can scroll down and look at my favourite stories. That would usually be a good indicator. There are two different types of stories I've written, both of which will be introduced. The concepts to all of the stories belong to their original creators. I own nothing.

Type 1: Satire. This seems to be the most common, especially as I think these things up all of a sudden. If you are reading my profile the right way, you would notice that it is written in a sarcastic tone. If you have before it was explicitly stated, congratulations, I do not have to hold up a sarcasm sign. Here are the stories I have written in the category:

A Complete Idiot's Guide To Writing A Hunger Games Fanfiction: The first step to writing a fanfiction is to manage to slot your story into a category. If you cannot tell from the title which category this story is in, how on earth have you managed to find you way through fanfiction? Not even my guide would be able to help you in those circumstances. However, if you have managed to figure out that it is a Hunger Games story, you are in luck. Tired of your well thought out stories not getting any reviews? Of course they don't. You can't be too original. Don't worry, this guide is here to help. It will take you through a step by step guide of the most common clichés, telling you how to write them, which of course is interspersed with one-shot example stories. Perfect. Status: In Progress.

The 75th Hunger Games Ultimate Parody: Ah, who doesn't love somebody pointing out the flaws of their favourite stories. Dozens upon dozens of them. Wonder what the hell you are expected to believe as the 75th Hunger Games is analysed to a ridiculous length. Finnick and Katniss sure were talking at the Cornucopia for a while, without anybody approaching them at all. And how did Katniss beat Finnick to the Cornucopia? Much more than that too, including an extra tid-bit about the Careers planning that attack on the Cornucopia which gained them nothing at all. Status: In Progress.

The Careers - Analysis: More senselessness, folks, as I analyse the portrayal and deaths of the Careers in the 74th and 75th Annual Hunger Games. Status: Complete.

The Plot of the Hunger Games in 200 Words or Less: Based on the original version of this I did with Twilight, but starring the Hunger Games. It does not appear to be as popular, and the title pretty much describes it. The Hunger Games, as summed up in under 200 words. Status: In Progress/Complete. The Hunger Games part is complete, but the story will continue for Catching Fire and Mockingjay whenever I feel like updating.

Ultimate Mario Parody: Once upon a time I started this, but there has not been much interest. This is Mario from other perspective. Peach is having an affair with Bowser, and treats Bowser Junior like a son. Mario is on mushrooms. Peach keeps getting 'kidnapped' and Mario has to 'rescue' her. Hmm... Status: In Progress, but on hiatus.

Creepy Edward: Not a story for Edward lovers (duh). Let's follow his stalker-like qualities using actual lines from the movies, taken even further the way normal people might react when in that situation. 'I watch you sleep' is not romantic, for one. Status: In Progress/Complete. The chapters don't go with each other, so it may count as complete. I will update if I feel like it.

How the Breaking Dawn Plot Could Have Been Solved Within Minutes: How many people need this spelled out for them? Check out this fic, which goes through a very simple way Breaking Dawn could have been solved, literally, within minutes. Status: Complete.

The Plot of Twilight in 150 Words or Less: Ah yes, all five parts of Twilight summed up, each in 150 words. Also includes an original song explaining Twilight, especially Breaking Dawn, in the last chapter. Status: Complete.

Ultimate New Moon Parody - Volturi Scene: Again, the title describes it well. A complete parody of the Volturi scene in New Moon. Status: Complete.

Twilight Vs The Hunger Games: A direct comparison of the two, parodying all the way. Status: In Progress/Complete. Works on its own but depends whether or not I feel like updating.

Type 2: Non-Satire. This is mostly the Hunger Games. There is one Twilight which has been put on hiatus until further notice, as I don't know what I was thinking writing a Twilight fanfic which wasn't a parody, but I don't feel like deleting just in case I ever feel like continuing it. This is the type of fanfiction I often wonder why I do, simply because I might as well be writing original stories, but it would help with getting reviews and tips on my writing style (that's your hint to review, people).

The 68th Hunger Games:

Three Girls: This is my main Hunger Games story. It is the story of the 68th Hunger Games from the points of view of the girls from Districts 1, 3 and 8. Status: Complete.

Krystal Alrich from 1 had complete faith that she was going to win. She'd been training for it for years. In her district it was just something that happened. Perhaps the others did not make it back, but they weren't as well trained as her. Her father had given her specialist training, so she was completely prepared. But her sister wants her to return without blood on her hands, or rather not go at all, taking on the role of the conscience which they had attempted to train out of her.

Dina Larson from 3, on the other hand, knows that her Reaping means her doom. A twelve year old is reaped along side her, someone her brother knew. She begs him silently not to take his place, as they cannot both go in together, something which makes her feel sick. The Games were unfair. They always had been. They were both doomed. But maybe one of them did not have to be. It was a long shot, but hope was all they had.

Suffra Hadley from 8 knew there was only one thing worse than being reaped for the Hunger Games. That would be her twin sister going, and it was by fear for her that she volunteered. Then she decided she would do anything to return. In the Hunger Games, anything could not possibly mean anything good. She was fast. That was her only skill, the only thing she would go into the Games with unless she learned something fast. Or manipulating those who did...

Tulip's Tale: The girl from 12, Tulip, considered her road to the Hunger Games as the timer counts down. She knew she wasn't going to win. District 12 never did. They were doomed, every single year they were doomed. One-shot. Status: Complete.

How to Win the Hunger Games: From the point of view of the girl from 7, Mimi Catalpa. When she was reaped, she was not shocked. Perhaps it was odds, as that was what the Game was about. But she guessed it was no accident. She'd refused to give them all the information that they wanted. She was an informer. That was her job, her only job. Somebody might ask questions if she was executed, as what she did was secret. Just another girl going to the Games, which was basically an execution? No suspicion on them at all. No emotions, she barely comprehended it. She just found that she was not shocked. Then she decided that she was going to win. Win by not getting her hands dirty at all. Status: In Progress. Occasional updates.

69th Hunger Games:

Leaving It Unlit: The sequel to the above stories. Follows up on all the families, and is mostly in the perspective of the Victor of the 68th Hunger Games. Tension in the districts, especially in District 8. The Victory Tour, then mentoring and the 69th Hunger Games. Various Victors feature quite extensively. The tension is even higher than that of the previous year as strong tributes fight to the death. Titus's Games. The description on the story will change on a regular basis to introduce some of the tributes and the story in a different way until I get it perfect.

Twilight Saga: The Characters (my interpretation - read in a sarcastic tone)

The Cullens ('vegetarian' vampires that are the antonym of vegetarian which eat animals although humans are their natural prey in some backfiring far-fetched way of making them the good guys):

Carlisle: C'mon, a vampire that is a doctor. I know he apparently has good self control, but can't anybody see that something is bound to go wrong sooner or later, even in New Moon where he demonstrated his restraint. It's just hard to believe (yup, hard to believe in a series of books where there are vampires that are not only unharmed by the sun, but sparkle in it like the typical disco ball - a more accurate description of these 'vampires' are Diamond Blood-Drinkers). Still, people have the right to a doctor that doesn't have even the slightest desire to suck the lifeblood from them. Just saying. I would not like a vampire doctor, even if he is the epitome of self-control. That is not prejudice. A vampire simply should not be a doctor.

Alice: A bubbly vampire who for no apparent reason likes shopping like the average teenage bimbo. You would have thought that a vampire who was born in 1901 and changed in 1920 would have been slightly more mature in over a hundred years of life. Her only redeeming feature is the fact that she can predict the future... except when it comes to shape-shifters, werewolfs, half vampire impossibilities... and I'm sure the list goes on. The only this she really can predict are vampires and humans, other than the many occurrences where she can't.

Let's skip to the main ones now; I am beginning to get bored with the Cullens.

Edward: A gay looking emo vampire who uses far too much hair gel. When I say 'emo', I mean seriously over the top emo. He goes on a rather excessive trip to Italy when he thinks his ex-girlfriend (who he had broken up with months before) is dead, asking for his life to be taken. For a vampire, he must have gone very slowly, as Alice and Bella manage to catch him up... just for him to get captured again. I can go on forever with this 'perfect' vampire's flaws but I'll just mention one more main one: he is a complete pervert. He watches her sleep long before they ever get together... and to make it worse, even though they look the same age Edward is 107 and Bella is 17 at this stage.

Bella: Some Mary-Sue character who is meant to be the main heroine, although if she was the only influence to the tweens reading the books the feminist movement would be set back many decades. She is klutzy, stupid, let's Edward almost own her, then begs to become a blood sucking monster (but to be fair, Stephanie Meyer is making it hard to despise vampires with eternal youth, superpowers, and being almost un-killable). At some point she becomes pregnant with monster spawn (after marriage; hidden message 1: no sex before marriage), nearly kills herself carrying it whilst refusing abortion (hidden message 2: argument for prolife) which I'm assuming in real life would have counted as an extreme reason. Is that really a good role model for the preteen girls that read the books? And it's a Mary-Sue character. Enough said about that. And just as we thought moral lessons were at an all time low, she becomes a vamp and happens to be the most powerful (close enough) vampire there is. Another bad lesson taught: let everybody walk over you, become reliant on your boyfriend for everything and do stupid things and you will become eternally beautiful, young and powerful.

The Volturi (the apparent baddies although Carlisle says they aren't. This just goes to prove that Twilight does not actually have any villains. Even Victoria and James were only doing what vampires do. But as this is a book series and there must be baddies, it is easy to tell by the colour of their eyes. Red-eyes drink human blood. Red eyes = bad. Golden eyes slaughter animals. Gold eyes = good. Hidden message 3: judge people/vamps/whatever by how they look.)

Aro: The one vampire in the movie adaptations that actually looks like a vampire. He is the leader of the what for some reason is commonly referred as the Vampire Mafia by some people, something I did not get at all until I put it together and realized another hidden message: (hidden message 4: Italian Vampires for the Italian Vampire Mafia... this seems even more racist then the eye colour one). He assembles his guard of vampires with superpowers, which sounds just like the start up to any X-men or Assemble movie, and uses them to protect him, terrorize people, and occasionally to bring forth actual justice. He himself has the ability to read any thought you ever had with a touch, a gift that is getting less and less significant as Facebook and Twitter become more overused.

Caius: Another joint leader, by which I mean he has less power than Aro but more than the guard, who is constantly angry about something or other (probably because he has less power than Aro and thought that it was a joint leadership). There might be some back story somewhere, but the twilight saga does not go into much detail... at all.

Marcus: That quiet other leader that rarely talks and everybody forgets about because he is not really prolific. That's all you can find out with the books. If you delve deeper and either read the Twilight Illustrated Guide (which I haven't), or spend about two minutes on twilight saga wiki, you find out that is because of... well, some long backstory that only people who like Twilight are interested in. Also he pulled that Bella/Edward fiasco after Aro killed his mate (which apparently he does not know it was Aro although they are always together... does no Volturi member except Aro know what is going on or something?) Hmm, I'm no Twilight wiz, but if he wanted to do that should he not have run off to the Romanians who hate the Volturi... Chelsea can't have been that powerful at the beginning when she was only starting out.

Chelsea: A vamp that can control the bonds between people who for some reason is not the leader of the Volturi. Forget about Jane and Alec, that is actually the most powerful gift there is. Nobody notices though. Apart from her name and that one scene at the end of Breaking Dawn, she is not mentioned at all. For some reason she does not try to lead the Volturi or anything, and is strangely loyal to Aro.

Corin: A random character that is not in the books at all as the author realized the above fact and added on a new character in the illustrated guide so it could be explained.

Jane: Even though Aro and the other leaders are the ones ordering it she seems to be the Twilight Saga's occasional main antagonist. She was a young teenager when she was turned, and has the ability to cause everybody else impossible pain. She did it on Edward (sarcastic gasp) when she tried to do it on Bella (another sarcastic gasp), but's let's be fair here, the two of them are incredibly annoying. Jane is actually a cool character, more so than many of the other ones.

Alec: Jane's twin brother, who apparently has a good Volturi offense power which is... a slow mist even a human can outrun that only dulls your senses when it touches you. I guess it is not all bad though, it would probably work well if you weren't trying to flee. And why in the world would you try to flee when the so-called Vampire Mafia are coming after you to kill you...?

More later, whenever I feel like updating.

Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

(='.'=)This is Bunny.

(")_(") Copy and paste Bunny into your profile to help him gain world domination

／l、

（ﾟ､ ｡ ７

l、 ヽ

じしf,)ノ

This is Kitty. Copy and paste Kitty into your signature to help him gain world domination.

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile.

Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile. (yet I am still copying this onto my profile like everybody else! XD)

Let's eat, Gramma!

Let's eat Gramma!

PUNCTUATION SAVES LIVES.

WARNING: Do not annoy the writer.

She may put you in a book and kill you.

Cleaning my room:

1% cleaning

30% complaining

69% playing with stuff I just found

Weird Thing

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are. The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset of the wrod can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

If you could read that, put it on your profile.

I LOVE MY FAMILY!