Author has written 6 stories for Yu-Gi-Oh, and Harry Potter.Here's a little about myself and my personality:
NAME: I go by many, but you can call me Greenwood or Kitty.
HIGHT: 5' 5 1/2"
WEIGHT: Last time I checked I was 120lbs
HAIR COLOR: Dark brown (has been mistaken for black, but it's not!)
HAIR LENGTH:To my shoulders with whispy bangs
EYE COLOR: Dark brown
MEDICAL IMPERFECTIONS: I wear contact lenses and braces. I also have very loose joints that cause my knees to hurt badly (I also have a mental imperfection, but anyone who has ever spoken to me knows that ;P)
FAVORITE COLOR: Black
FAVORITE SPORT: I used to take dance lessons (for nine years!) before my knee problems caused me to drop out. I guess that I don't have a favorite sport. In order for me to, I have to be doing it, and I'm not right now.
FAVORITE INSTRUMENT: Elecric and accoustic guitar
MOST NOTICABLE PERSONALITY TRAIT: My sarcasm. Good sarcasm, though! I cause my friends to nearly die laughing when I visit them.
OTHER PERSONALITY TRAITS: I'd like to think I'm kind, I'm a follower, though if I have an idea, I will often suggest it, I will stick up for something I believe in, I will defend both my friends and enemies (if they deserve it of course), I can give someone verbal whiplash if they annoy me to that point, I don't use physical violence, I use verbal, I have a temper that can swing in as quickly as it can disappear and I like to flirt with guys (of course if I ever got a boyfriend, that would stop. I'd never cheat)
TALENTS: Art (anime, mostly), writing (please tell me if that is true or not!), I wish I could say singing, but I can't, typing (if you'd call that a talent), quick wit, andacting. Oh, yeah, speed reading. I can read the fourth Harry Potter book twice in one day (no kidding! Of course it helps that I've memorized it :P)
FAVORITE FUNNIES: (THIS HAS BEEN UPDATED AND ORGANIZED!)
QUOTES FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE...
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target." Ashleigh Brilliant.
"Please don't ask me what the score is. I'm not even sure what the game
"It is best to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain.
"Reader, suppose you're an idiot. Now suppose you're a member of Congress. But, I repeat myself." Mark Twain. You gotta' love that guy!
"First God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards." Mark Twain.
"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed." Mark Twain.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Mark Twain.
"I did not attend his funeral. But I did write a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain.
"Get your facts first. And then you can distort them as much as you please." Mark Twain.
"To succeed in life, you need two things. Ignorance and confidence." Mark Twain. Think I like his quotes?
"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress." Mark Twain.
"Don't let school interfere with your education." Mark Twain.
"The reports of my death are greatly exagerated." Mark Twain.
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word, is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." Mark Twain.
"Results! Why man, I have gotten a lot of results! I know several thousand things that won't work!" Thomas A. Edison.
"Opourtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." Thomas A. Edison.
"Millions long for immortality, but do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." Susan Ertz.
"Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably why so few engage in it." Henry Ford.
"Failure is the opourtunity to begin again... more intelligently." Henry Ford.
"A bank is a place that loans you an umbrella in fair weather, then ask for it back when it begins to rain." Robert Frost.
"A jurt consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." Robert Frost.
"The world is full of willing people. Some of them willing to work, the rest willing to let them." Robert Frost.
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." Robert Frost.
"Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there." Arthur Godfrey.
"Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines." Stephen Wright. Thanks to Ente for that one!
25 TRUTHS OF LIFE...
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
"After 36 years of marriage, man discovers wife is really rare yucca plant." This is from my Dad's game Sim City 3000.
"Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most." My pin
"My mind is like a steel trap; anything that goes in gets crushed and mangled." My pin
"A cat will almost always blink when hit in the head with a hammer." My pin with a few of my own words added.
"This life is a test. If it were an actual life, you would have received further instructions on what to do. You may or may not be issued an actual life later." Once again, my pin
"What part of no, don't you understand?"
"I finally have a grasp on reality. Now I can choke it." Bumper sticker.
"If you eat a toad in the morning, nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day." A joke my grandmother sent me.
"Always read books that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." Another joke my gran sent.
"If you loan someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." Three guesses who sent that to me.
"Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue." Until I tell you otherwise, my gran sent these to me.
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others."
"Never buy a car you can't push."
"Never put both feet in your mouth because then you don't have a leg to stand on."
"The early worm gets eaten by the bird so sleep late." My motto _
"When everything's coming your way you're in the wrong lane." Story of my life O_O
"Birthdays are good for you; the more you have the longer you live." Really? I didn't know that...
"Ever notice that the people who are late are often much happier than the people who have to wait for them?"
"If ignorance is bliss than why aren't more people happy?" That's what I'd like to know...
"Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once."
"Weather forcast for tonight: dark."
"If pro is the opposite of con, then is Congress the opposite of progress?"
"Sometimes the one thing you're looking for is the one thing you cannot see." This isn't funny, but I like it anyway. It's a good message.
"It smells like something crawled up inside you and died!" Old saying from when my dad was in the navy.
"Weather likely to become different before changing."
"And on the eight day, God said, "Okay Murphey, you take over."
"And on the day you were born, a thunderous, glorious voice sounded from the heavens and proclaimed to the Earth below: 'Oops.'"
"It /is/ as bad as you think and they /are/ out to get you."
"Who were the beta testers for Preperations A through G?"
"Sure you can trust the government, just ask an Indian."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."
"Save the whales! Collect the whole set."
"A day without sunshine is like night." hehehe! Gotta' love those obvious ones!
"Diplomacy is saying, 'Nice doggy,' until you can find a rock."
"Change is inevidable, except from a vending machine." Too true, too true.
"Backup my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?"
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't."
"He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged." I /dare/ you to say that five times fast! It took me ages to figure out how to say it!
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you."
"I wonder, how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?"
"Sign on LA car: Pardon my driving, I'm reloading."
"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest." Can you say "my brother?"
"I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory." Oh, so me.
"When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty."
"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."
"He's always late! His ancesters arrived on the /Juneflower/!"
"Honk if you love peace and quiet."
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"Atheisim is a non-prophet orginization."
"If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, it's too crowded."
"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts."
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
"So, what's the speed of dark?"
"How come you never hear of gruntled employees? And who's been dissing them anyway?"
"After eating do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting /out/ of the water?"
"Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?"
"I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious."
"Never argue with an idiot. They bring you down to their level, then beat you with experience." Another very true saying...
"If everything's under control, you're moving too slow."
"I love deadlines. I like the /whooshing/ sound they make as they fly by."
"Take my advice; I don't use it anyway."
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!"
"He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame."
"Anything not nailed down is a cat toy."
"I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO."
"Next time you wave, use all your fingers."
"The only perfect science is hindsight."
"He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly."
"A procrastinator's work is never done."
"My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician."
"Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights."
"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."
"I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one."
QUESTIONS TO PONDER...
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
"Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?"
"If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?"
"If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?"
"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"
"When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?"
"Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?"
"If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"
"Would a fly without wings be called a walk?"
"If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?"
"If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?"
"How did a fool and his money get together?"
"How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?"
"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?"
"What do they use to ship styrofoam?"
"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
"Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?"
"Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?"
"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
"When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"
"Does fuzzy logic tickle?"
"Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?"
"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"
"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
"Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?"
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots...and I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
MONTANA: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.
No hand signals...Driver on Viagra
Honk! If you want to see my finger.
Next mood swing, ten minutes.
I only eat the stupid people.
Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying No hard feelings
The proctologist called, they found your head.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Hang up and drive.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS:
Behind every successful woman is herself.
A woman is like a teabag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.
Don‘t treat me any differently than you would the queen.
I‘m out of estrogen and I have a gun.
WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
OF course I don‘t look busy. I did it right the first time.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I can be one of those bad things that happen to bad people.
How can I miss you if you don‘t go away?
Don‘t upset me! I‘m running out of places to hide the bodies.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Ouch!)
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. (This chart was framed and now hangs on his wall. No pun intended)
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. (He was a lawyer before)
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "Damn, there go the lights again..."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
ONLY IN AMERICA:
1. Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
FUNNY SIGNS ON BUSINESSES:
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
At a Proctologist's door
On a Plumber's truck:
On a Plumber's truck:
Pizza Shop Slogan:
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
At a Towing company:
On an Electrician's truck:
On a Maternity Room door:
At an Optometrist's Office
On a Taxidermist's window:
In a Podiatrist's office:
On a Fence:
At a Car Dealership:
Outside a Muffler Shop:
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
At the Electric Company:
In a Restaurant window:
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
At a Propane Filling Station,
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Q: What is a chastity belt?
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
Q: What are the terrible twos?
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
LABELS ON STORE PRODUCTS:
On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how ...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." ( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God! Are Swedes that much tougher than we are?)
15 WAYS TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
4) In the memo field of all your cheques, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
5) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
6) Dont use any punctuation
7) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
8) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
9) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
10) Sing along at the opera.
11) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
12) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!"
14) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
15) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
...And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
WOMEN'S ANSWERS TO PICK UP LINES:
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
STUDENT'S ANSWERS ON TESTS:
"A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.
Police campaign to run down jay walkers.
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
Drunk gets nine months in violin case.
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents.
Iraq head seeks arms.
Prostitutes appeal to pope.
Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over.
Eye drops off shelf. (I love that one)
Regan wins on budget, but more lies ahead.
Squad helps dog bite victim.
Enraged cow injures farmer with axe.
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told.
Miners refuse to work after death.
Juvinile court to try shooting defendant.
Stolen painting found by tree.
Two soviet ships collide, one dies.
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years in checkout counter.
Killer sentenced to die for second time in ten years.
Never withhold herpes infection from loved ones.
War dims hope for peace.
Red tape holds up new bridge.
Deer kill 17,000.
Typhoon rips through cemetary, hundreds dead. (nah, really?)
New study of obesity looks for larger test group.
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft.
Kids make nutritious snacks.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
TEACHER: John, how do you spell, "crocodile?"
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentance starting with "I".
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
An Afganistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservent, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and time again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardens, oh, illustrious one," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"A man is sitting on the well!"
WHY COMPUTERS SOMETIMES CRASH...
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your curser finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna' crash!
If the lable on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on the mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you might as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna' hang.
When your copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code insructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on Global Organized Crime. The author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
THIS IS A BUSH JOKE. IF YOU LIKE THE PRESIDENT, SKIP THIS...
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"
So G. W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
SOFTWARE VRS. HARDWARE...
At a computer expo in Las Vegas, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car 95' or 'Car NT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
THE D.A.'S DILEMMA...
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
The medical examiner closed his case as a suicide.
IDIOTS IN SERVICE
IDIOTS AT WORK
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
Now, don't you feel better?
QUOTES FROM BOOKS AND MOVIES:
"She's laughing! We're gonna' die and the mad bitch is laughing!" Dirk Simpson from "Unconditional Love." It's a great movie. Really funny.
"Myrtle! I'm - I'm not wearing anything!" Harry from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"
"Don't you have something to do? Besides standing around adoring me I mean." Jinx from "Fatal Secrets"
"Pull! By Seth's foul breath, pull!" Tanus from "River God" (It's a novel of ancient Egypt)
"Of all the trees we could have hit, we had to get one that hits back." Ron from "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"
"It's not your job to die for your country. It's your job to make the other stupid son of a bitch die for his country!" General George S. Patton from the movie "Patton"
"Hungary Hajduszoboszloi; hotel Helia and hotel Margitsziget" Places to travel in Hungary that have to do with medicinal waters and hanging weight treatment.
"This is good. I was rusty on panic." Pete from the movie "Always"
"You’re a poet, Al. You’re a really bad poet, but you’re a poet." Pete from the movie "Always"
"My engine’s on fire. Can you believe that? And I was in such a good mood." Al from the movie "Always"
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Charlie/Samantha
“Have you always been this stupid or did you take lessons?” Charlie from “The Long Kiss Goodnight”
“Hold on a minute while I pull that out of my ass.” Mitch from “The Long Kiss Goodnight
“Left, left! Your other left!” Charlie from “The Long Kiss Goodnight”
Stargate SG1 – Window Of Opportunity (You’ll hear me refer to it as “Fruit Loops.” It’s a much better name then theirs. Want to know what it’s about? Email me.)
“What kind of archeologist carries a weapon?” Jack O”Neil
“Anyway, I’m sorry but that just happens to be how I feel about it. What do you think?” Daniel Jackson
“Which is caused by… wait, I know this one. Magnets!” Jack O’Neil
“I ask you, what could possibly be in my eye that would explain this?” Jack O’Neil
“Well, when was the last time you heard colonel O’Neil use terms like sub space nine and geo magnetic storm? And he actually used them correctly!” Samantha Carter
“How far is Olaris anyway?” Jack O’Neil
“Colonel O’Neil, what the hell are you doing?” General George Hammond
“Well, you know what they say. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try… try… trytrytry… try again.” Jack O’Neil
"My eyes will be like the tenticals of a squid." movie "35102"
There's a bunch more, but I can't think of them right now.
"Whatever." I use this one a lot.
"What?" My Mom has started calling this my "what" stage.
"If skeezix would just move!" This is me talking about my brother. I call him skeezix all the time. It's a word that means about the same thing as moron.
"Huh?" This is me when someone says my name when I'm involved in the computer.
"It takes one to know one." Me and my best friend say this to each other all the time.
"When in the presence of a crazy person, it is best for one to just smile and nod a lot." Me and my best friend. Though, usually we just plaster a stupid grin on our faces and nod when the other is going on and on about something at a really fast rate without taking a breath, like this sentence.
"You don't need make up to look like a clown." Me to my best friend. I'm a charmer, aren't I?
"Are you awake now?" Once again, me and my bf (best friend, I don't have a boyfriend)
"Shut up!" Me to about anyone who talks to much. Like my brother and my bf.
"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself!" I use this a lot. I love to talk to myself. I never knew I was so fascinating...
"Who needs enemies when you have friends like Kitty?" (I like going by the nickname Kitty) That was actually my bf's father that said that. I had just finished "insulting" her when her dad overheard and said that. So now we repeat that.
DAD: "Did anyone get the number of the truck?"
"My heart pumps purple peanut butter."
"Just when I thought I knew where it was at, they moved it."
"Chuck you Farley and your whole fam damily!" My dad literally /just/ said that! lol
"Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised..." My dad literally /just/ said that too! lol
"Mucas gracious. That means 'much grass.'"
"You couldn't find your ass with both hands and a flashlight!"
DAD: "I'm lucky I remember my name."
"I feel like I’ve been wrestling an alligator... in quick sand... while climbing a mountain."
"He’s lying there like a beached whale."
Dad told me this one:
"Gigglehanus" (Someone who's always laughing)
"Shnibble" (Piece of dirt)
"Babblewauser" (I'm not exactly sure what this one means. _)
"It got caught in my gurgle." (It got caught in my throat)
"Fuzzle" (Piece of lint)
Well, check my bio every once in a while. I'll update it when I get more funnies.
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