Here's some funny things that made me laugh! :)
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile.
(Because if there was no insanity, there would be no authors, and we'd have to find some other site to visit.)
My mother taught me about CHANCE.
"You don't think that it's going to be you, because it's one every one thousand people? There is a one in two million chances of being killed by lightning, yet 24,000 people around the world are killed by lightning each year."
My mother taught me about CLONING.
"How is it that you're a mini-me of your father? Huh?"
My mother taught me to COME BACK HOME ON TIME.
"If you don't come back by 6.30, we're eating dinner without you."
My mother taught me DEDUCTION.
"It wasn't me, nor was it your father. It must have been you."
My mother taught me about FEAR.
"You better be scared young man."
My mother taught me about FRIENDSHIP.
"Friends are people you would risk or even give up your life for – they are also the people who would do the same for you."
My mother taught me about the FUTURE.
"At this rate, you'll never get married – hell, you won't even get a girlfriend. What happens to all my grandchildren?"
My mother taught me that LIFE IS UNFAIR.
"How is it that I'm stuck with two lazy chauvinistic men, when all my friends are surrounded by normal people?"
My mother taught me that LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE
"How the hell was I supposed to know that my only child was going to be the same as my husband?"
My mother taught me LOVE.
"If I didn't love you, why the hell would I nag at you? It takes me effort to nag, you know."
My mother taught me that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE.
"I don't care whether you can or cannot. You will do it right this instant young man."
My mother taught me about MANNERS.
"Get your elbows off the table young man! I don't care whether they're used as support for your head! Lift your chin off the table young man! I don't care whether it's because they lost the support they needed! That's better."
My mother taught me that NOBODY IS PERFECT.
"I would be lying through my teeth if I said that you were anywhere near perfect."
My mother taught me PRIDE.
"Keep your head held high. No matter what they may say to you, never at any time believe it to be true."
My mother taught me REASON.
"I nag at you because without my nagging, you won't do anything."
My mother taught me about SEXISM.
"Men these days – they're lazy and chauvinistic – what a combo."
My mother taught me to TELL WHITE LIES.
"What's troublesome? Me? Am I troublesome?"
Rules to surviving a Horror Movie
If you think the monster is dead, he's NOT
Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not they’re own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.
If you are searching for something, which caused a loud noise, and you find out it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
If you find a town, which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason-take the hint and stay away.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nil bog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas late at night, don't go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help.
Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill.
Stay in the car.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any device made from deceased companions.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface.
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the lights!
Never back out of one room into another without looking.
It's always behind you.
If you are traveling with friends, never let any hitch hikers into the van with you.
Never babysit. There are enough babysitter-in-danger-thanks-to-a-stupid-killer flicks out there already.
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you.
Same goes for leaning against the window.
Stay away from sewers.
If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.
If you are trying to escape the killer, sliding through the cat door in the electronic garage door will not help you any.
After you manage to kill the monster/killer, never sit beside it and cry. It will suddenly pop back up to finish the job.
Never go to camp or become a counselor. You'll be dead by the end of summer.
Never say, "I'll be right back." You won't be back. End of story.
Then when one of your spaceship's crewmembers finds a hideous parasite attached to his body, don’t let him back on the ship.
If someone tells you to do or not to something (example: DON'T fall asleep, DON'T go out there, DON'T go look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding psychopath by yourself) by all means, LISTEN TO THEM!!
A small town's little summer celebration might sound like fun. But if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even have the barbecue with out you!” run like hell.
Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Never go back for anything you lost.
Avoid people with pointy teeth.
Avoid people with lots of facial hair.
Avoid people with pale complexions, who sway and moan.
If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a chainsaw, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.
Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.
Never EVER play with any Ouijia board that you find in the basement of your newly bought, run-down house.
Never run into a deserted graveyard at night.
If you are running away from the killer/monster, don't even try to start the car. It doesn't matter if the car is brand new, it won't start.
If running from the monster/killer, try to make the least amount of noise possible. Especially if you are female. Panting, crying and screaming are not going to help you hide any better.
Never answer the phone when you are babysitting. Just get the heck out of there and leave the kids for dead.
If you think you see your girlfriend/boyfriend and they are wearing a mask, not talking, or conspicuously hiding their face, it's not them.
Don't be mean to the new kid. They will just end up killing you.
If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let's say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
Never wait until you NEED the gun to check and see if it's loaded.
Never try to unmask the killer.
Never hide in a closet.
Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medieval weaponry. It will be used eventually.
Don't make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees.
If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn't stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
Never listen to strange voices on the telephone.
Never say, "Who's there?"
If your hand has been possessed by the Force of Evil, do NOT chop off your hand. Doing so will merely allow the disembodied hand the freedom to wreak havoc independent of your body. And now you have to spend the rest of the film trying to track it down.
If you have a feeling you'll end up being chased by zombies during the night, remember to wear comfortable running shoes.
After babysitting, don't walk down any deserted streets with lots of trees and bushes, but no lights.
If you are a girl with long blonde hair, blue eyes and big boobs, well, you are pretty much dead.
Always check the backseat of your car before you get in.
When running away from the killer/monster, NEVER run upstairs.
If you see someone who is within screaming distance while running from the killer/monster, for the love of god, SCREAM!!
If a giant shark is chasing your family, don't go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.
If you are babysitting, don't let the kids play with the Chucky doll.
If you are fleeing from a killer or supernatural being and you see a cop car, run right by it. There are three possible ways that things will turn out if you try to get the cops attention and none are good:
The cop is already dead in some gruesome way that will cause you to scream and alert the killer/monster as to where you are.
The cop will probably end up dead as he tries to help you, this will only distract the killer away from you for a few seconds, but chances are you will end up getting killed anyway.
The supernatural being has assumed the form of a cop and just when you think you are safe...he will kill you.
If the locals say the camp is haunted, it probably is.
If people in your neighborhood have been disappearing and there's talk about a surge of any type of insect...move. Stubborn homeowners always die.
When and if you fall while running and the killer/monster is near you, don't just sit there screaming like someone will hear you. Get up and RUN!!
If the killer if after you and you somehow manage to knock him down, don't get up and run for help. Believe me, he will stay down much longer after you kick him a couple times.
If you disobey the previous rule, don't try cutting off his head or anything cheap. Stick a grenade in his mouth and run for it.
If the killer is standing three feet in front of you, don't just stand there and scream while he comes running towards you. It may come as a shock, but he DOES in fact want to kill you.
If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick butt, no explanation needed.
Vegetarian: Tribal slang for the village idiot who cannot
Bad things to hear on an airplane
10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore
9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?.
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Just kidding.
6.. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?Thanks for reading!!
1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.
Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts:
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms
2) I will not sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
3) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class
4) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
5) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda
6) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar
7) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy
8) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"
9) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals
10) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches
12) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!"
13) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
14) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor
15) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental
16) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"
17) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
18) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"
19) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bamf!" every time I apparate.
20) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
21) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
22) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
23) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
24) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.
25) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
26) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
27) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".
28) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.
29) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.
30) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
31.)I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
32.)House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
33.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
34.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
35.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
36.)I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing "I Will Survive in the mirror", as it is disturbing.
37.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
38.)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
39.) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
40.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
41.)The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
42.)I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
43.)When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
44.)Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
45.)A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
46.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “
47.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
48.). I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
49.)Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
50.)Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
51.)Calling the Ghost-busters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
52.)I may not have a private army.
53.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
54.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
55.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.
56.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
57.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.
58.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
59.)I shouldn't use Photo-shop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
60.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
61.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
62.) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
63.) - Especially not all of them at once.
64.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."
65.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
66.)Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
67.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
68.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
69.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
70.)The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.
71.)I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
72.)Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
73.)Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
74.)I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
75.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
76.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paint-balling.
77.)I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.
78.)I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
79.)Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
80.)Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
81.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
82.)Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
83.)I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.
84.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
85.)If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: "The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
86.) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
87.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
88.)I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
89.)I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
90.)It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
91.)I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade
92.)I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad bad nightmare about Harry
93.)I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall
94.) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
95.) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
96.) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
97.) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
98.) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
99.) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
100.) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
101.)I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
102.) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
103.) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
104.) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
105.) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
106.) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”
107.) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
108.) I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.
109.) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.
110.) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
111.) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.
112.) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy-Pants” I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
113.) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.
114.) I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.
115.) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
116.) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
117.) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.
118.) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
119.) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.
120.) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.
121.) When fighting death-eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can only be ONE”.
122.) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.
123.) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.
124.) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.
125.) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
126.) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
127.) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
I didn't steal it I just borrowed it without permission and with no intention of giving it back...ever...
I've got a shovel and an acre of land. I don't think anybody will miss you.
I'm not shy, I'm just quietly plotting you imminent doom.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
-On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
-On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
-On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be how??...)
-On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'serving suggestion: defrost' (but its only a suggestion.)
-Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom): 'Do not turn upside down' (well...duh, a bit late, huh?)
-On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought??)
-On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
-On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (we could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
-On Nytol sleep aid: 'warning: may cause drowsiness.' (and...I'm taking this because??...)
-On most brands of Christmas lights: 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to...what?)
-On a Japanese food processor: 'Not to be used for the other use.' (Now, somebody out there help me out on this one. I'm a bit curious.)
-On Sainsbury peanuts:'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
-On an American Airlines pack of nuts: 'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
-On a child's superman costume: 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING—BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
Spotted in a Safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN CAR.
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTER ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR—THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)
Ive been rather busy, after all challenging random people to a game of go fish and stalking a dove takes time.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone in the face.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down, stay put and shut up.
Life isnt passing me by; it's trying to run me over.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
There were three boys, Shut up, Manners and Trouble.They were playing hide and seek and Trouble was seeking. Manners hid in the bin, and Shut up hid under a police car. The police man came back to the car and saw Shut up. The police man asked, "What is your name?" so Shut up replied, "Shut up." The police man then said, "Where are your Manners!" Shut up said "In the bin." as Manners was hiding in the bin. Then the police man said "Are you looking for trouble!" so Shut up said " No, Trouble is looking for me"
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it everytime I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
It's always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I've found it?
I cdnuolt blviee taht I cloud aulactly
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanig. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in wht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wohle.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling
was ipomorantt! Tahts so cool!
-Pick the month you were born in-
January I killed
February I kicked
March I stuck my tounge out at
April I jumped
May I ate
June I shot
July I danced with
August I loved
September I kissed
October I robbed
November I slapped
December I stabbed
-Pick the day you were born on-
1 A banana
2 A homeless guy
3 A house
4 A mop
5 Barney the dinosaur
6 A sock
7 A stripper
8 My lover
9 My teacher
10 An iPod
11 A movie star
12 A phone
13 An angel
14 A drunk guy
15 A crack head
16 A pillow
17 A cat
18 A teletubby
19 A homo
20 Paris Hilton
21 A dog
22 A bird
24 A rock star
25 My toothbrush
26 A glass of milk
27 The kool-aid man
28 A French fry
29 A lesbian
30 An emo
31 A snowman
-Pick the color of the shirt you wearing-
White Because a someone stole my taco.
Black Because the voices told me to.
Pink Because I wanted to.
Tye Dye Because I’m bringing sexy back!
Brown because I’m on crack.
Polka dots Because insanity is fun!
Purple cuz I’m gangsta my home skillett and biscutz.
Gray because I’m cool like dat
Green Because big bird told me to.
Orange Because I know kung-fu.
Maroon because I’m a good girl.
Turquoise Because I was chasing the leprechaun.
Blue Because that’s how I roll!
Red because I’m a freaking scuba diver you got a problem with that? Didn’t think so!
Yellow Because the hippies kidnapped me in the middle of the night.
I kissed my toothbrush because im a freaking scuba diver you got a problem with that? Didn’t think so!
Some people are like slinkies...they're not good for anything but it's fun to watch them fall down the stairs.
Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is Optional.
"You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never have."
Flying is easy - just throw yourself at the floor and miss (Not responsible for any injuries sustained from throwing self at floor)
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.
Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
When in doubt, push random buttons!
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train ...
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.