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Joined 10-17-13, id: 5241558, Profile Updated: 05-02-21
Author has written 8 stories for Naruto, Stargate: SG-1, Harry Potter, Justice League, Sekirei, A song of Ice and Fire, and Warcraft.

Alright, so I've finally decided to revisit my profile after a great many years of ignoring it.

Something about me...

I write shit for hobby purposes. Tis a good life, very quiet and stress-free.

Due to patty reon sticking its nose into political and social issues, I've decided to migrate over to Subscribe Star. I just can't trust a business that does that and I'd rather not be associated with it.

For those of you who want to support me, you can find my profile on https:// subscribestar (dot) adult (slash) noodlehammer

Note that supporting me will gain you no special privileges, voting powers, early access to chapters, or even a gold star sticker (not even a digital one), nor will I withhold content if you don't. It is purely voluntary and will change nothing about my modus operandi. Also, for the sake of honesty, I won't claim to be in any particular financial distress at this time, so don't even bother feeling guilty for not supporting me if you're the type to do that.

That being said, having a little extra disposable income never hurt anyone and if you have money burning a hole in your pocket and no idea what to do with it, feel free to toss it my way.


Indulge me as I tell you a tale of my real life goings on.

Way back in July of 2019, I woke up early one day and decided to take out the trash. While doing this, I pondered on my desire to replace my aging computer and lamented my stagnant financial situation that made it unwise to be making big purchases.

That was when I decided that since I was obviously unwilling to get a regular job, I would go all in on my writing hobby and try to publish an original work.

But what kind of story to write?

I looked at the bag of trash in my hand and had an epiphany, I could write trashy porn meant for sexually frustrated middle aged women! That seemed to be all the rage these days.

Well, about a month and a half ago, I published said book. Alas, I rather overestimated my ability to advertise, so it hasn’t been getting much traction. And I didn’t mention it in the last chapter of “Metagaming?” because I was, quite frankly, a bit embarrassed by it. Plus, I respect most of you too much to advertise such low tier literature here.

I resolved to write another book, something that I could peddle to you without feeling like a snake oil salesman.

Then I had another epiphany, three of them even.

1) It’s really not up to me to decide what you read, even if it is bodice rippers.

2) You’d see it anyway once I advertised the second book, making my efforts to hide my shame moot.

3) I really want to start making money and there is a statistical likelihood that at least a few of you are into that shit.

So here we are.

If you want to go check out my first foray into the world of original fiction, you can find it under the pen name of Jennifer Haze (my research suggests that women are more likely to buy their smut from female authors, and one fake name is as good as another) on Amazon. The only title under said name at the moment is “Bindings of Lust”

Also, if you do decide to check it out, I would appreciate you not linking “Jennifer Haze” and “Noodlehammer” together on any kind of social media dumpster fire or forums you frequent. It’s a vain hope, because I know that there are at least a few assholes among you that will do exactly that just to spite me. I can respect that, since I’m a spiteful asshole myself, but fuck you in advance anyway.

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The Adventures of Augment Gothic by Joe Lawyer reviews
A present-day Star Trek fan is forcibly thrust into that dimension and made anew as an Augment, a genetically engineered superman, on the whim of a mischievous god. Armed with knowledge of this dimension's past and future, he's determined to live well, have fun with alien women, and make it look easy. Elements of DS9/TNG/Voy/Ent. Originally co-written with GothicJedi666.
Crossover - StarTrek: Deep Space Nine & StarTrek: The Next Generation - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 175,129 - Reviews: 575 - Favs: 1,562 - Follows: 1,931 - Updated: 5/1 - Published: 2/25/2020 - [OC, Kira N., Jadzia D., Ro L.]
The Mission Stays the Same by Broken Trident reviews
A joke of Chaos daemon sent two unlikely allies - an Eldar Farseer and an Imperial Storm trooper, through the Warp and into another Universe. In this place, everything is alien to them. Except for one thing - war. War is something they know very well. (Story adopted by Regina Dea. New author starts from Chapter 21)
Crossover - Warhammer & Mass Effect - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 333,516 - Reviews: 2452 - Favs: 4,297 - Follows: 4,728 - Updated: 3/8 - Published: 10/4/2011 - Eldar, Imperial Guard, Shepard
What If? by Rorschach's Blot reviews
A place for odd story bits that drip out of my brain.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 36 - Words: 131,866 - Reviews: 2051 - Favs: 2,967 - Follows: 2,418 - Updated: 11/29/2019 - Published: 4/14/2007
The Only Truth in this Cold World by Azrael27 reviews
Harry knows more then he should. Daphne just wants to be warm. Perhaps they'll be able to carve a place out in an uncaring world.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Crime/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 3 - Words: 7,220 - Reviews: 143 - Favs: 1,021 - Follows: 1,670 - Updated: 3/25/2019 - Published: 7/30/2018 - Harry P., Daphne G.
Harry Potter and the Natural 20 by Sir Poley reviews
Milo, a genre-savvy D&D Wizard and Adventurer Extraordinaire is forced to attend Hogwarts, and soon finds himself plunged into a new adventure of magic, mad old Wizards, metagaming, misunderstandings, and munchkinry. Updates monthly.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Dungeons and Dragons - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 74 - Words: 314,214 - Reviews: 6826 - Favs: 7,133 - Follows: 7,983 - Updated: 8/2/2018 - Published: 5/7/2012
Unforeseen Consequences by Milennial reviews
It can be difficult to see the full weight of a decision. And yet the repercussions are always there, shaping the world in ways that few can predict. Whether the result will be for good or bad is another matter entirely...
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,354 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 383 - Follows: 619 - Published: 7/26/2018 - Naruto U.
Sage by Digitize27 reviews
When Naruto is given a gift considered legendary even in a world where walking on water is a daily occurrence for some, will it lead him on a path towards peace or will the consequences of said gift leave a hole in his heart too large to fill?
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 93 - Words: 511,296 - Reviews: 7523 - Favs: 11,032 - Follows: 7,911 - Updated: 11/13/2016 - Published: 7/13/2013 - Naruto U., Fū, OC - Complete
Naruto: Jinchuriki of the Six Paths by X009 reviews
When Naruto sees Sasuke seemingly sacrifice himself for him at wave, he awakens the Rinnegan. See how its power affects his destiny. Strong Naruto.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 262,194 - Reviews: 1616 - Favs: 6,462 - Follows: 6,702 - Updated: 10/26/2016 - Published: 11/30/2011 - [Naruto U., Fū]
End Game Version R by Kur0Kishi reviews
There were very few things that could rile a 25 year old Naruto Uzumaki up. He was perfectly content to sit in his home, work his normal job, study at a normal school, and in his free time, tinker (read: upgrade in a potentially life endangering manner) with whatever happened to catch his interest. This obviously did not include Devils, or Angels, or Fallen Angels.
Crossover - Naruto & High School DxD/ハイスクールD×D - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 237,320 - Reviews: 4293 - Favs: 8,003 - Follows: 7,820 - Updated: 7/10/2016 - Published: 6/10/2013 - Naruto U., Serafall L.
La Tormenta by Jiraiya's Dream reviews
Mired in the falsities of the ultimate illusion, Naruto tries a desperate gambit to restore the world. He failed. [NarutoMirajane] [Mature Themes]
Crossover - Naruto & Fairy Tail - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 32 - Words: 271,365 - Reviews: 1644 - Favs: 3,599 - Follows: 3,640 - Updated: 7/4/2016 - Published: 2/28/2013 - [Naruto U., Mirajane S.]
Kaleidoscope of Magic by karldin reviews
Pain and misery, the two constants in Harry Potter's life awaken in him something that has not been seen for several centuries. Will it mean the salvation of the magical world, or will it be its dissolution to nothingness? Concepts from Naruto, and Crossover with Dresden Files later.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 298,424 - Reviews: 2003 - Favs: 3,264 - Follows: 3,063 - Updated: 6/2/2016 - Published: 3/15/2013 - Harry P.
Tabula Avatar by Speaker-to-Customers reviews
Crossover of BtVS with Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn. When Willow loses the memory crystal during 'Tabula Rasa' the Trio find it and download the stored personalities into BG2. The Scoobies find themselves trapped in a strange and lethal world.
Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Baldur's Gate - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 75 - Words: 486,575 - Reviews: 267 - Favs: 185 - Follows: 147 - Updated: 5/31/2016 - Published: 10/15/2009
Sage of the Elements by BackwardsHazard reviews
Naruto is attacked by a mob as a child, the end results end with him obtaining an affinity to all the major elements, how will this affect him? there's going to be plenty of humor and a harem, M for language, and suggestive themes
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 143,413 - Reviews: 686 - Favs: 2,717 - Follows: 2,652 - Updated: 12/31/2014 - Published: 5/24/2012 - Naruto U.
The Ninth Sekirei Pillar by Arthain reviews
The Elemental Nations are in ruins, the villages are destroyed, and the last of the Shinobi are on the run. Naruto's last ditch effort to stop Madara lands him and his last companion in a new world. A world in which a brutal tournament is taking place and the prize could mean the total destruction of both this new world, and his old one.
Crossover - Naruto & Sekirei - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 51 - Words: 699,733 - Reviews: 3219 - Favs: 3,665 - Follows: 2,775 - Updated: 2/25/2014 - Published: 11/14/2012 - Naruto U., No. 01/Miya A., No. 07/Akitsu, No. 08/Yume - Complete
Squad 7 and their Accidental Instructor by OTT-False reviews
Adopted with permission from Rorschach's Blot. Naruto sets out to retrieve his team's wayward sensei and comes back with...her?
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 20,414 - Reviews: 868 - Favs: 3,605 - Follows: 3,470 - Updated: 12/7/2013 - Published: 9/7/2012 - Team Seven, Anko M.
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Shadow Play reviews
There was something to be said for being reincarnated into a world where you can become a superpowered badass, most of it unfit for polite company. At least he got put into the role of Shikamaru, so nobody would wonder why he was sighing so much.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 11,438 - Reviews: 177 - Favs: 1,107 - Follows: 1,467 - Published: 5/2
Metagaming? reviews
Third in series, read prequels or be confused. Harry had spent his whole life wishing for magic to be more abundant, and that was precisely what he got. He wasn't even particularly upset about the many serious dangers inherent in such a thing, for what was life without challenge? The irony of ending up in Azeroth after all the references was a bit on the nose, though.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Warcraft - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 9 - Words: 143,503 - Reviews: 2265 - Favs: 5,785 - Follows: 6,632 - Updated: 4/8 - Published: 9/20/2020
A Discordant Note reviews
It only takes a single disharmonious element to throw off the entire composition. Fifty years before Robert Baratheon was to ascend the Iron Throne, Westeros receives one hell of a bad musician. Harry never did care about any player other than himself.
Crossover - Harry Potter & A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 28 - Words: 351,549 - Reviews: 7224 - Favs: 9,601 - Follows: 10,064 - Updated: 9/20/2020 - Published: 8/13/2018 - Complete
For Love of Magic reviews
A different upbringing leaves Harry Potter with an early knowledge of magic and a view towards the Wizarding World not as an escape from the Dursleys, but as an opportunity to learn more about it. Unfortunately, he quickly finds that there are many elements in this new world that are unwilling to leave the Boy-Who-Lived alone.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 56 - Words: 812,590 - Reviews: 12354 - Favs: 14,088 - Follows: 12,333 - Updated: 8/13/2018 - Published: 12/15/2015 - Harry P. - Complete
The(questionable) burdens of leadership of a troll Emperor reviews
Having check-mated himself into a corner with his acquisition of little sisters that needed protecting as well as freedom, Naruto resigns himself to the idea of taking charge of a nation for their sake. That didn't mean he was going to take the whole thing as seriously as his wife had intended though. Fourth in series.
Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 29 - Words: 385,181 - Reviews: 5798 - Favs: 5,296 - Follows: 3,915 - Updated: 12/6/2015 - Published: 12/25/2014 - Complete
Sekirei? Is that some new species of little sister? reviews
Naruto was on a mission to get himself some little sisters and by his divine left testicle, he was going to get them. Xanna was content to let him do it and maybe corrupt one or two in the process for amusement. Third in series, advisable to read previous ones first.
Crossover - Naruto & Sekirei - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 17 - Words: 183,552 - Reviews: 2806 - Favs: 4,533 - Follows: 2,978 - Updated: 12/25/2014 - Published: 8/16/2014 - Complete
Trolling the League reviews
Finished with their overly long honeymoon, Naruto and Xanna leave their dimension of origin in favor of a new(and hopefully interesting) one. Finding themselves faced with a world where the supposed protectors of the innocent refuse to kill their obviously evil counterparts, they decide to push some buttons. Sequel to my first story, strongly recommended you read that first.
Crossover - Naruto & Justice League - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 8 - Words: 79,582 - Reviews: 1556 - Favs: 5,078 - Follows: 3,140 - Updated: 8/16/2014 - Published: 6/26/2014 - [Naruto U., Kyuubi/Kurama] - Complete
Reaching for a Dream reviews
Adventure/Humor/Romance. The Sandaime waited too long to approach Naruto, who had no interest in becoming Hokage by then. Another dream already rested in his heart, a dream that would drive him much further than anyone would have believed. SealMaster!Naruto Older!NarutoxFem!Kyuubi
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 30 - Words: 377,213 - Reviews: 5506 - Favs: 11,681 - Follows: 6,953 - Updated: 6/26/2014 - Published: 12/12/2013 - [Naruto U., Kyuubi/Kurama] - Complete
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