"I ain't dumb."-Junior(My Wife and Kids)

"You are the dumbest smart person I have ever met." "Oh yeah, well you're the dumbest dumb person I've ever met!"-I, Robot

“Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?”-Jack Handey

“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.”-Jack Handey(No friggin' clue)

"I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, it'd probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine."-Jack Handey

"If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much."-Jack Handey

You can't see the whole sky through a bamboo tube. (no clue either, japanese of some sort.)

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."-Woody Allen

"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."-Last words of Pancho Villa

"Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies."-Voltaire in response to being asked to renounce satan

"Well, he's a bastard, but at least he's consistent."-Anonymous

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be that skinny, but without all those flies and death and stuff."- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."-Brooke Shields

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."-Joe Theisman (NFL football quarterback)

"Your food stamps will be stopped effectively on March 1992 because we recieved notice that you have passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."- Department of Social Services