Eggo Waffles
hide bio
Follow . Favorite
Joined 08-28-04, id: 661859
Author has written 14 stories for Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Chronicles of Narnia.

FARAMIR: Hello there! You've reached the profile of Eggo Waffles, literary enthusiast and writer of dubious quality. Eggo is out of her mind at the moment—

BOROMIR: As usual.

FARAMIR: —and so we're here, taking messages and holding down the fort.

BOROMIR: Which is no light undertaking, mind you. This place makes Osgiliath look like a fifth-grade birthday party.

FARAMIR: That's perhaps not the best metaphor to use, Boromir. Never underestimate the destructive powers of a group of eleven-year-olds with treat bags full of Pixi Stix.

BOROMIR: Point taken. The gist of what I'm trying to say, however, is that there was clearly nothing about this in the job description. I mean, "Two rough-and-tumble Gondorians to participate in depraved mental fantasies involving bathtubs and vials of cooking oil; apply within (literally)"; does that sound like managing a fanfic profile to you?

FARAMIR: You said... you said... when you read the advert out loud to me, you told me it said, "Two prominent literary characters wanted for participation in literary undertakings of a highly tame and erudite nature"!

BOROMIR: Oh. Well. I may have mispronounced a word. Or two.

FARAMIR: And I wondered why you were so eager to take the job...

BOROMIR: Explains a lot, huh?

FARAMIR: Yes. A lot.

(slightly awkward silence ensues)

FARAMIR: But enough about us. This is about Eggo.

BOROMIR: Well, what can you say about her, really? She lives. She breathes. She eats. Periodically, she visits the library. There's not much to it.

FARAMIR: To be somewhat more descriptive, Eggo is an carbon-based ape-descended life form who resides on an utterly insignificant blue-green planet orbiting an unregarded yellow sun in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the West Spiral Arm of the Galaxy. Plagiarizing, especially from Douglas Adams, is one of her particular hobbies, though, being the creative and open-minded individual she is, she will also plagiarize Monty Python and Oscar Wilde with similar readiness.

BOROMIR: Usually in conjunction with butchering the published works and legendarium of J.R.R. Tolkien.

FARAMIR: Endeavors in which we usually feature prominently.

BOROMIR: Because, let's face it, we're the only two people in Tolkien with anything approaching a character arc.

FARAMIR: Now, be fair, Boromir; that's not necessarily true. After all, Frodo is—

BOROMIR: Cardboard.

FARAMIR: But Aragorn is—

BOROMIR: Sinless. Infallible. The Savior™ of Gondor.

FARAMIR: But you have to admit that Sam is—

BOROMIR: The classic sidekick. Nothing to it.

FARAMIR: And Éowyn—

BOROMIR: Is a cop-out. She does her whole "cross-dressing and ass-kicking" repertoire and then immediately settles down to gardening and healing and homemaking and other such Stepford Wife-ly activities. It's pathetic.

FARAMIR: Hey, that's my wife you're talking about.

BOROMIR: Well, I haven't seen her around since you started doing fanfic.

FARAMIR: We're taking some time apart. We're working things out. Like a mature couple.

BOROMIR: Whatever you say, little brother.

FARAMIR: Getting back to the original purpose of this profile, which was not, as I recall, a marriage-counseling session—

BOROMIR: Eggo welcomes you to the wonderful and mysterious world of her fanfiction. She encourages you to review copiously. Constructive criticism is helpful to her. Flames amuse her greatly. Shameless flattery keeps her warm at night.

FARAMIR: As do the flames. Though in a rather different context.

BOROMIR: Well, at least something is keeping her warm at night, eh, Faramir?

FARAMIR: Excuse us for a moment.

My name is Eggo Waffles and I approved this message.
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

A Very Young Girl's Record of Her Own Impressions reviews
Ariana Dumbledore shares her thoughts on Oscar Wilde, Nietzsche, and Gellert Grindelwald's bum. AberforthGoat, AlbusGellert, onesided ElphiasAlbus.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,632 - Reviews: 59 - Favs: 144 - Follows: 12 - Published: 11/16/2007 - Albus D. - Complete
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Nurmengard reviews
Harry thought the conversation was getting needlessly tangential, and decided that the quickest way to remedy this was by speaking in capital letters. BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH GRINDELWALD?
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,645 - Reviews: 147 - Favs: 251 - Follows: 21 - Published: 10/22/2007 - Albus D., Hermione G. - Complete
Should've Thought of That One, Bori reviews
We all wish that Boromir had survived Amon Hen, but have we ever considered the implications? Parody AU
Lord of the Rings - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 14 - Words: 41,546 - Reviews: 450 - Favs: 240 - Follows: 135 - Updated: 1/26/2007 - Published: 5/3/2005 - Boromir
Like A Bat Out Of Hell reviews
Boromir of Gondor is dead. That's not the sort of thing he takes lying down.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,912 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 6 - Published: 1/20/2007 - Boromir, Faramir - Complete
The Council of Elessar reviews
It's the Fourth Age, and a matter of Utter Seriousness has prompted Aragorn to call a council.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 10,086 - Reviews: 168 - Favs: 87 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 7/24/2006 - Published: 1/24/2006 - Aragorn, Faramir
Pipe Dream reviews
Lucy comes to terms with her Faun fetish. Tumnus comes to terms with the fact that his teapot is broken. LucyTumnus parody... don't say you weren't warned.
Chronicles of Narnia - Rated: T - English - Parody/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,500 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 1 - Published: 1/13/2006 - Complete
The Morning After reviews
All Faramir wants is a cup of tea. The rest of Middle earth, however, has other plans. Rated for Wanton Debauchery
Lord of the Rings - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,499 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 3 - Published: 11/13/2005 - Faramir - Complete
Have You Got Any Stamps, Legolas? reviews
If there had been a way for Boromir and Faramir to keep up correspondence during the Quest, it might have sounded somewhat like this. A more humorous outlook on some of the darker aspects of the War of the Ring.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,637 - Reviews: 308 - Favs: 307 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 4/30/2005 - Published: 1/24/2005 - Boromir, Faramir - Complete
Ignorance is Bliss reviews
Boromir and Faramir raid the Citadel archives in a noble but desperate quest for The Truth. They end up discovering a bit more than they'd bargained for.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,567 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 4 - Published: 4/3/2005 - Boromir, Faramir - Complete
Production Commencing reviews
The cast of the 'Harry Potter' series has been trapped in the bowels of a metaphysical literary dressing room for the past two years. How will they react when they learn that Book 6 has been finished? Written pre HBP
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,141 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 25 - Published: 1/24/2005 - Complete
What Have Tomatoes Got to Do With Anything? reviews
Recent studies show that if one watches RotK and then reads 'The Importance of Being Earnest' by Oscar Wilde, one will wake up at midnight and write something a bit like this.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 988 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 3 - Published: 1/24/2005 - Denethor, Peregrin T. - Complete
The Departure of Faramir reviews
Faramir didn't mean to look into the Palantír. Not really. But the temptation was simply too great to resist... and what he sees may scar him forever. Independent companion to 'The Departure of Boromir'.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,370 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 2 - Published: 1/24/2005 - Faramir, Eowyn - Complete
Beyond the Veil reviews
Between learning that the Afterlife is really just a field filled with ping pong tables and that his death was the product of an error in a computerized recordkeeping system, Sirius is seriously fed up. Thank God for chocolate and second chances.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 14,127 - Reviews: 200 - Favs: 86 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 1/24/2005 - Published: 9/1/2004 - Sirius B., Remus L. - Complete
The Departure of Boromir reviews
Boromir looks into the birdba... I mean, MIRROR of Galadriel, and chaos ensues! Duels, dinners, and The Reasons™ why Denethor hates Faramir abound as our hero explores the nuances of a new and frightening realm: fanfiction.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,423 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 4 - Published: 12/14/2004 - Boromir, Faramir - Complete
Manager of:
Community: The Unofficial Húrin Fan Club™
Focus: Books Lord of the Rings