Eleventh Guard was born on July 11, 1852 in Mos Eisley, Kansas. He was the eighth of six children.
Before getting involved in online fandom, he was a circus entertainer known for changing his eye color at will and whittling chess pieces out of endangered wood in his sleep.
Eleventh Guard invented pie, permanent markers, and mothballs. He is only 40 percent water, and does not require oxygen to survive. His hobbies include spacediving, making human animals for the Balloon People of Heliumia, and playing Chubby Bunny with C batteries instead of marshmallows. In fact, he won the Duracell World Tournament in 1957.
1852 - Hello, world!
1862 - Became a Civil War hero
1875 - Something involving masking tape, cauliflower, and sodium hydroxide. It's best not to ask.
1877 - Married Mary Smith
1879 - Divorced Mary Smith and married John Doe
1880 - Got excommunicated from the Catholic Church
1887 - Wrote Miscommunication (Chaucer x Shakespeare)
1891 - Taught himself to play guitar for no apparent reason
1899 - Laughed at everybody who was freaking out about Y19C
1904 - Met a little girl named Samantha who lived with her grandmother and remarked that she was a just a doll.
1929 - His first hacking attempt didn't work very well.
1944 - Kicked Molly and her friends out of his tobacco shop
1957 - Beat Hugh Wilford at the '57 Duracell
1962 - Became a widow... widower... something like that. John Doe died.
1977 - Wrote Luke/Leia pr0n
1983 - Facepalmed
2004 - Got a 1UP mushroom
2006 - Died, but used the 1UP
2008 - Who knows?