Author has written 1 story for Danny Phantom.
Peace Treaty of Ze Forts
(The Original Version Cause I Couldn't Post The Crossy-Outies)
This, here, treaty is for the alliance of Fort Living Room and Fort Kitchen. We are making this cause the younger of the fort leaders KEEPS INVADING MY FORT!! This treaty is being made and signed at 5:54 a.m. on the
Sir Beavus (Dick)
Sie AwesomePants (Danny)
If you're reading this, ignore Dick's handwriting! He's a liar!
Signed (again), Sirs Beavus and AwesomePants
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity post this on your profile!!!
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
60 things to do in an elevator:
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
51. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
52. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
53. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
54. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
55. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.
56. Make chalk drawings on the walls.
57. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
58. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
59. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
60. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
(That says a lot about the world today.)
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children (I can see some sense in this.)
2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts. (...*opens mouth*...*shakes head*...)
3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping. (...who would attempt?)
4. Candle: Warning, A burning candle is fire. (YOU DON'T SAY?!)
5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking. (I never would have thought of that...)
6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado (Oh, that's pathetic...)
7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts (...what? ... WHAT?)
8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children (No. Just... No.)
9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. (*slams head against desk* Oh my gosh...)
10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping (People need to start reading labels.)
11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap. (That would be how?)
12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness (I wonder why I'm taking this!)
13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required (Obviously!!!)
14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use (What other use?)
15. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
16. On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
17. On a bag of ice --Keep frozen
18. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
19. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
20. On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
21. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
22. On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
23. On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
24. On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
25. On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
26. On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
27. On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.
Darwin Award Winners:
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a 20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the 20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...15.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human-kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course, one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
Theme Songs For Fictional Characters (because why not?):
Batman: The Night by The Disturbed
Danny Phantom: Angel of Darkness by Alex C. ft. Yasmin K.
Dan Phantom: Just One Yesterday by Fall Out Boys
Superheroes in General: Any Other Way by We The Kings
Batman's and Red Hood's relationship: Elastic Heart by Sia (Once you take out the romance involved in the song...), Run to You by Pentatonix (also take out romance), Real Friends by Rudderless
Dark-Net/Borderline-Danny/Jason Todd: Vanic X Tove Styrke - Borderline by Vanic, My Give a Damn's Busted by Jo Dee Messina
Jason Todd: Angel With A Shotgun by The Cab
Maze Runner series: When We Stand Together by Nickelback
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children series: Africa by Toto
40 Ways to Annoy People
1. Pay tolls with 100 bills
2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom
10. Chew other people's pencils
11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
12. Wear large hats during the movies
13. Touch strangers
14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
15. Bite your dentist's finger
16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
17. Sigh alot when talking to someone.
18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems
20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
21. Tell people they have bad breath
22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
23. Flirt with a friend's spouse
24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
25. Shake with your left hand
26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
28. Drum on every available surface.
29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
31. Honk and wave to strangers.
32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
20 Things to do at Wal-Mart
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Go, pikachu, go!"
17. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.
18. Have a conversation with yourself loud enough so that people in the other aisles can hear you.
19. Throw things over one aisle into another one.
20. Mark out price tags with a sharpie.
They walk amongst us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
They Walk Among Us!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!!!!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, Too!!!!!!!!
(And they vote...)
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you
FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr./Mrs.
FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
FAKE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
FAKE FRIENDS: Try to comfort you when you feel down.
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
FAKE FRIENDS: Always keep your stuff they borrowed in perfect condition.
FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink because they think it's polite.
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
FAKE FRIENDS: Ask you what you number is.
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
FAKE FRIENDS: Have to be reminded not to tell.
FAKE FRIENDS: Don't let friends drive drunk.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will apologize when you forget lunch money and say that they don't have any left.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will smile and say "Don't worry about me" when they forget their lunch money, even if you didn't offer to pay.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will automatically tell you you're beautiful when you ask if something makes you look fat.
FAKE FRIENDS: Would tell you not to get a face-lift because you already look perfect.
FAKE FRIENDS: Tell you your zits aren't noticeable.
FAKE FRIENDS: Laugh with you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Laugh at all your jokes.
FAKE FRIENDS: Congratulate you when you get good grades.
FAKE FRIENDS: Encourage you not to skip school.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will talk mean to the person who talks bad about you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
FAKE FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will glare at the guy who dumps you and say "Forget him. You're too good for him."
FAKE FRIENDS: Crush on your older brother whom you absolutely despise.
REAL FRIENDS: Hate you older brother as much as you do and give him the nick-name "Faggot".
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.
You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.
If you're against abortion, re-post this
25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
When you were 5, your mom gave you an ice cream cone. You thanked her by yelling at her that it's the wrong kind.
When you were 9, your mom drove you from swimming class to soccer and one birthday party to another. You thanked her by slamming the door and never looking back.
When you were 10, your mom payed for piano classes. You thanked her by never coming to class.
When you were 12, your mom was waiting for a very important call. You thanked her by talking on the phone all night.
When you were 14, your mom payed for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by not bothering to write a single letter.
When you were 16, your mom taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you got.
When you were 17, your mom drove you to the mall and gave you her credit card. You thanked her by maxing it out.
When you were 18, your mom cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by partying until dawn.
When you were 20, your mom drove you to college. You thanked her by saying good-bye to her outside the dorm so you wouldn't have to say bye in front of your friends.
When you were 26, your mom payed for your wedding. You thanked her by moving halfway across the world.
When you were 30, your mom fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents became to children.
Then, one day, she quietly died and everything you did came crashing down on you.
If YOU love your mom, re-post this and if you don't, you won't care if your mom dies, will you?
(Irony. So much irony.)
Batman/Superman: Public Enemies:
Batman: The kryptonite is near your heart. I don't know if I'll get it before the wound closes.
Superman: Where's The Flash when you need him?
Batman: Do me a favor and lose the sense of humor.
Superman: Do us both a favor and buy one.
Superman: Why is it that good villains never die?
Batman: Clark, what the hell are good villains?
Toyman: [of the rocket] Oh, one other thing. Back when I designed it, I was way into hero worship.
Superman: You are absolutely sure this is going to work?
Toyman: Does Power Girl have big-
Batman: Just feed it the numbers, kid.
Lex Luthor: It had to be you! The one other person in the world smart enough to stop that meteor!
Toyman: The only person smart enough. You couldn't do it, remember?
Newscaster: Lex Luthor's attempt to win the presidency the old-fashioned way... by buying it; seems to be picking up steam. New poles show that 22% of Americans now support his third party bid. In a completely unrelated story, 22% of Americans now indicate a preference for getting [beep] in the [beep] with a red hot poker!
Superman: [looks at Metallo's burnt carcass] They must think I did this with my heat vision.
Batman: You couldn't have. Not unless your heat vision is radioactive. It's not, is it? [guards appear, Batman brings out a batarang]
Superman: No. This way. [grabs Batman and they fly through the ceiling]
Superman: Now I really look like a criminal.
Batman: It's done wonders for me.
Justice League: War:
Green Lantern: As I was saying, Green Lantern can do anything.
Batman: Except shut up, apparently.
Green Lantern: Wow, someone forgot to take their True Blood tonight.
Batman: I'm not a vampire.
Green Lantern: Seriously? I thought it was the darkness and the vanishing, and the, what, super strength?
Green Lantern: Can you fly?
Batman: In a plane.
Green Lantern: Wait, you're not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? Are you freaking kidding me? What, nobody asked you to prom so you now dress as a bat and prowl around your parents' basement?
Wonder Woman: You've gathered to protest me? You, what is your problem with me?
Pinstriped Loudmouth: You want the truth? You swing that sword with a smile and you scare normal people. And you dress like a whore.
Wonder Woman: This is not your truth. The Lasso compels you. Now tell us your truth.
Pinstriped Loudmouth: I cross-dress in a Wonder Woman costume outfit. It makes me feel powerful.
Wonder Woman: [Laughs] Embrace your truth, my friend. My outfit makes me feel powerful too.
Green Lantern: [to Wonder Woman] Get him out of there! His showboating is gonna ruin the entire plan! Oh, great, now I'm Batman.
Batman: [Batman removes the ring from Green Lantern, he changes back to Hal] What's this do?
Green Lantern: Huh?
Batman: No buttons. I assume it works off concentration.
Hal Jordon: How did you do that?
Batman: You weren't concentrating.
Green Lantern: [puts ring back on and changes back] You won't do that again.
Batman: Unless I want to.
Green Lantern: Flash, my boy. Great to see you. Oh, yeah, and that's Batman.
The Flash: Batman's real?
Green Lantern: Yeah, he's over there.
The Flash: Wait, what? It is a real honor to meet you, sir, Batman. Sir, Batman, sir. Ahem.
Green Lantern: Don't bother. That guy's a total tool.
Batman: I followed your efforts in Central City, Flash. You do tight, efficient work.
Green Lantern: Hey, Barry, you, uh, got a little something on your nose.
Green Lantern: Costume? This is my uniform.
Green Lantern: Oh, you wanna bark orders, after I did the heavy lifting and pulled everyone together?
Batman: You're referring to when you botched simple directives and Wonder Woman led the charge?
Green Lantern: Cyborg showed you a video?
Batman: He e-mailed it to me.
Green Lantern: I really hate you, Bats.
Green Lantern: They don't like us much.
Batman: The world's afraid of us.
Green Lantern: You say that like it's good thing.
Batman: It's necessary.
President: That said, I am very please to introduce you... Gee, I didn't even ask. Do you guys have a name?
Shazam: Yes, we do.
Cyborg: We do?
Shazam: That's right. You can call us the Super Seven.
Superman: Please don't call us that. [Looks at Shazam] The Super Seven?
Shazam: What, you don't like it?
Green Lantern: Here's the plan. Green Lantern kicks Superman's ass. TMZ's got the video.
Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths:
[Flash bumps into the invisible plane]
Wonder Woman: Mind your head.
Flash: I can't believe you kept that thing.
Wonder Woman: Spoils of war. I like it.
Flash: What do you need a plane for anyway? You can fly.
Green Lantern: You drive a car.
Flash: That is so not the point.
Flash: [sees a naked Lex] Oh, and they call me The Flash.
Batman: All right, Flash. Beginning test run.
Flash: I don't know, Batman. This is pretty radical. You're absolutely sure it works?
Batman: Pretty sure.
Flash: Pretty sure? That isn't... [Batman teleports Flash aboard new headquarters] ...good enough.
Batman: Teleporter's online.
Flash: Are you crazy? Is he crazy? How could he use that thing on me if the wasn't sure?
J’onn J’onzz: He was joking.
Flash: Yeah, how can you tell?
Wonder Woman: You really think he would risk your life if he wasn't sure?
Flash: Well, maybe. I mean, I don't think he likes me very much.
J’onn J’onzz: I don't think he likes anyone very much.
Model Citizen: You don't wanna fight me. You wanna help me.
Flash: I don't wanna fight you, I want... [snaps out of her control] Hey, this is like the Jedi mind trick!
Model Citizen: This is not like the Jedi mind trick.
Flash: This is not like the Jedi mind trick.
Lex Luthor: [police have him surrounded] No need to make a scene. I want you to call the Justice League for me.
Police Officer: Or else?
Lex Luthor: Oh, I don't know. I'll destroy the world? Is that sufficient?
Superwoman: [to Batman] Whatever will I do with you? I could use this to send you away. Perhaps here...an Earth where humanity has mutated into hideous creatures of the night. No. You might like that.
Wonder Woman: [about Rose] Maybe there's another one like her back on our Earth.
J’onn J’onzz: With my luck, she'll be evil.
Flash: Are we there yet?
Green Lantern: That wasn't funny the first 15 times you said it, either.
Flash: How are we supposed to get inside again?
Lex Luthor: Multi-frequency band, encryption analyzer-replicator pack.
Flash: Some of us don't speak Star Trek.
Lex Luthor: Think of it as a fancy garage-door opener.
Superman: We're gonna hit multiple targets at the same time. Teams of two.
Lex Luthor: We'd be hopelessly outnumbered. When my Justice League fought them...
Superman: All due respect, Lex. We're aren't your Justice League.
Flash: What's the call?
Superman: You and J'onn. Diana and GL. He's with me.
Lex Luthor: That's insane.
Flash: Don't worry, Lex. He's got your slack.
Flash: Well, you do.
Black Canary: Wanna hear a secret? [screams into a Made Man's ear]
Justice League: Doom:
Batman: I've carefully studied every Justice Leaguer, past and present and created contingency plans to neutralize you should that become necessary.
The Flash: You've gotta be kidding me.
Batman: Neutralize, not kill. Whoever implemented my plans altered them.
Wonder Woman: It's still a completely unacceptable breach of our trust.
Batman: The members of the Justice League are among the most powerful and potentially dangerous people on the planet.
The Flash: You think one of us would go over to the other side?
Batman: Or succumb to mind control. Yes, it's impossible. That's why I developed plans for containing any of all members of the JLA should the need ever arise.
Superman: None of us would ever do that to you.
Batman: Then you're damned fools.
Superman: In light of the recent breach of trust revealed to us during the Vandal Savage matter, we have to decide whether Batman should remain in the League. All those in favor of...
Wonder Woman: Wait. Before we vote, I believe the accused should be allowed a few words in his defense.
Green Lantern: Seconded.
Superman: Okay. Batman?
Batman: My actions don't require any defense. In the same situation, I'd do it again.
The Flash: Aw, come on!
Batman: As individuals, and even more so as a group, the Justice League is far too dangerous to lack a failsafe against any possible misuse of our power.
Wonder Woman: We use our power to protect the world. We always have.
Batman: And what if we ever used it for some other purpose? [rises from his seat] If you people can't see the potential danger of an out-of-control Justice League, I don't need to wait for a vote. I don't belong here. [walks out of the room]
King: No way Batman came here alone.
Jack: What, I'm supposed to be worried about Robin?
Green Lantern: That's three you owe me.
Batman: We keeping score?
Green Lantern: Not literally.
Batman: Because if we are, it's 8 to 7, my favor.
The Flash: Batman, you okay?
Batman: I'll live.
Superman: So will Ace, apparently.
Martian Manhunter: He's still a little embarrassed from last time.
Superman: He sucker-punched me.
Alfred Pennyworth: Late night playing cards, Master Bruce?
Batman: Something like that. How did you know?
Alfred Pennyworth: [picks out a card from the driver seat] I believe tradition for hiding these up one's sleeve.
Batman: Was that sarcasm, Alfred?
Alfred Pennyworth: Mild teasing, at best. I'm being uncharacteristically gentle with you mainly because you're bleeding all over my nice clean floor.
Batman: Not going to let me go to work?
Alfred Pennyworth: That is correct, Master Bruce. Not until you've had proper medical attention...
Alfred Pennyworth: ...food, and a minimum of eight hours' bed rest.
Batman: Let's get this over with.
Alfred Pennyworth: I made chicken soup. You can eat while you brood and I'll put in your stitches myself. It will be delightful, I'm sure.
Batman: All right.
Alfred Pennyworth: By the way, the part about the stitches? That would be sarcasm.
Green Lantern: Wake up, King. Got some questions for you.
King: I want a lawyer.
Green Lantern: You're getting ahead of yourself. [Makes fist with energy] First you want a doctor. Then you want a lawyer.
Green Lantern: All right, now come the warning shots. Give up? Please say no.
Ten: You'll never catch me, Lantern.
Green Lantern: Lots of women say that.
Superman: Maybe I could push the earth out of the way.
Batman: If I had a week, I couldn't list all the reasons why that wouldn't work.
Batman: Under the Red Hood
Jason Todd: Is that what you think this is about? You letting me die? I don't know what clouds your judgment worse, your guilt or your antiquated sense of morality. Bruce, I forgive you for not saving me. But why, why on God's earth... [smashes closet door open, holding Joker] ...is he still alive?!
Joker: [cackles] Gotta give the boy points. He came all the way from the dead to make this shindig happen! So who's got a camera? Ooh! Ooh! Get one of me and the kid first. Then you and me, then the three of us. And then the one with the crowbar.
Jason Todd: [puts gun to Joker's temple] You'll be as quiet as possible, or I'll put one in your lap first.
Joker: Party pooper. No cake for you.
Jason Todd: Ignoring what he's done in the past... Blindly, stupidly disregarding the entire graveyards he's filled, the thousands who have suffered, the friends he's crippled… You know, I thought... I thought I'd be the last person you'd ever let him hurt. If it had been you that he beat to a bloody pulp, if he had taken you from this world, I would've done nothing but search the planet for this pathetic pile of evil, death-worshiping garbage… And then send him off to hell!
Batman: You don't understand. I don't think you'd ever understood.
Jason Todd: What? What, your moral code just won't allow for that? It's too hard to cross that line?
Batman: No. God Almighty, no. It'd be too damned easy. All I've ever wanted to do is kill him. A day doesn't go by I don't think about subjecting him to every horrendous torture he's dealt out to others, and then end him.
Joker: Awwww, so you do think about me.
Batman: But if I do that, if I allow myself to go down into that place, I'll never come back.
Jason Todd: Why? I'm not talking about killing Penguin or Scarecrow or Dent. I'm talking about HIM, just him. And doing it because... because he took me away from you.
Batman: I can't. I'm sorry.
Joker: That is so sweet!
Leon: You wanna die?! There’s easier ways to kill yourself!
Red Hood: Yeah, like yelling at the guy with the AK-47.
Nightwing: But he is locked up, like a lot locked up. Maybe we should go for a visit. [Looks over to where Bruce was just sitting to see him gone] Could you just once say 'Let's get in the car!' Is that so hard?!
Black Mask: I want this man dead. When I say "dead," I mean seriously dead. Beaten. Broken. His head mounted-on-my-wall kind of dead!
Ms. Li: Understood. We'll be taking further precautions at every transaction-
Black Mask: SCREW THAT! It's time he learns that this is a contact sport! We're going on offense. Rough up his business. Something big, something loud! When he shows up to shut us down, have a party waiting for him... and when I say "party," I actually mean A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GONNA KILL HIM!
Ms. Li: I figured.
Black Mask: Just being clear.
Nightwing: [to Batman after he uses a rocket to destroy The Red Hood's helicopter] You know what I miss most about running with you? The toys.
Black Mask: I hope you understand the trouble I've gone through to arrange this little get together. A lot of money. A lot of dead meat… I've got a problem and you are absolutely the man who possesses the gifts to take care of that problem. I need you to murder the Red Hood. You think you can handle that?
Joker: [Joker is eating a packet of chips and coughs] May I have some water? [One of Black Mask's agents gets him a glass of water, Joker breaks it over the end of the table and shoves it in the agent's throat, takes his gun and shoots the other agents, Black Mask stares down the barrel of the gun as Joker laughs maniacally] I'm gonna need something to wear and a very big truck.
Black Mask: Sure. Anything else?
Joker: I'll gonna need some guys. Not these guys because, well, they're kind of dead.
Nightwing: You're gonna have to do better than that.
Batman. I did.
Black Mask: Are you telling me that scumbag stole my guns, AGAIN?
Ms. Li: No, sir, he destroyed them. Blew up the truck, the driver...
Black Mask: Damn it! Of all the... DAMN IT!
Ms. Li: Previously, he was just enlisting anyone under our province to come work for him. Now he just seems to be killing them.
Black Mask: Oh, so we got another Batman? One who doesn't mind the blood?
Ms. Li: No, sir. He's no Batman. He's still taking huge cuts from off the streets. But now, he's eliminating the competition. He's coming after you.
Black Mask: [the Black Mask starts punching out his bodyguards] You wanna tell me why this guy ain't dead?
Ms. Li: We're trying. We sent the Fearsome Hand of Four.
Black Mask: Four? Guess they're gonna need a new name... Why hasn't Batman wiped this little smear off the face of the planet?
Ms. Li: Maybe he doesn't want to. Perhaps he's letting your and the Red Hood war it out. He could be waiting...
Black Mask: To take on the winner? What do you think this is, a tennis tournament?
Ms. Li: I'm just saying...
Black Mask: You're an idiot! And you don't know Batman! He's not letting this lunatic just run wild! He can’t catch him either! … Or it's something else. Can't you feel it? We're stuck in the damn crossfire! [Black Mask notices the a crosshair on him and sees Red Hood waving at him from another building with a rocket launcher] Aw hell… [Black Mask sprints from the room, followed by Ms. Li and his bodyguards]
Red Hood: Wow. He sure can move when he really wants to. [Fires the rocket launcher]
Ultimate Spiderman, Episode Ultimate Deadpool:
Deadpool: "So once there was a kid; a weird, special kid. And his life was a toilet! And maybe someone treated him badly; maybe he got hurt by bad people. So maybe Fury's hero school was the boost he needed. For awhile, the kid bought what Fury was selling. Until he realized it was more fun to laugh at the pain, to hurt those that hurt you times a thousand!"
Deadpool: Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum. Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater!
Spider-Man: Are you just going to keep yelling names from A to Z until you guess?
Deadpool: No. Barry Barrington!
Spider-Man: You're not well.
Deadpool: I know.
Spider-Man: I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.
Deadpool: We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?
Spider-Man: Wait, un-alive them?
Deadpool: Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud. It's a weird mental tick. But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them.
Spider-Man: K-word? You mean you want to kill them?
Deadpool Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them.
Spider-Man: We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!
Spider-Man: Wait, how am I in your back-story?
Deadpool: Don’t question greatness.
Ben 10: Alien Force
Gwen: Follow me.
Kevin: [Driving behind her] I will follow you anywhere…except there. Come on, Gwen! Paint job!
Ben: [Disguised as a DNAlien, trying to appear casual] Hey, how’s it going? What’s up! I owe you a call!
Kevin: “I owe you a call?”
Kevin: Save some for me! Those creeps cost me a major payday!
Gwen and Ben: [Gives him irritated looks]
Kevin: …also, they’re evil and we’re against that.
Kevin: Did he just call me a lower life-form?
Ben (as Humongousaur): I’m pretty sure he did.
Gwen: And while he may have a point…it’s rude to say so.
Ben (as Humongousaur): I mock anybody that uses the word “mock.”
Ben: [Transform into Rath] RATH!
Manny: I always wanted a piece of you anyway!
Rath: LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN’, MANNY ARMSTRONG!! YOU WANNA PIECE OF RATH?! YOU GOT A PIECE!! BUT YOU JUST BIT OFF AN EYE BIGGER THAN YOUR STOMACH CAN CHEW!!
Manny: That made no sense!
Rath: [Angry] ... I know!!!
Manny: Is that all you got? 'cause that was weak. [Continues fighting Rath, gets Rath in headlock] You're not so tough! I don't know why everyone's so scared of you!
Rath: THEN LEMME SHOW YA, PIPSQUEAK!!! [Starts using wrestling moves against Manny] POLARIS PILEDRIVER!! ANTARIAN ARM BAR!! OPHIUCHUS FACE-PLANT!! SIRIUS BUTT-KICKING!!
Manny: So, is that "Sirius" like the star, or "serious" like important?
Rath: Like the star!
Manny: Just... wondering. [passes out]
Rath: So are you scared yet?!
Helen: Ben did this to you?
Manny: Lucky punch. Followed by a lucky hammer lock, lucky kick, another lucky punch...
Helen: I see.
Manny: Then it all starts to get a little fuzzy. But there were several more pieces of luck involved.
Junior Plumbers: [Watch, shocked, as Ben enters casually while rubbing his arms after he supposedly went evil]
Ben: [trying to make himself warm] I can't believe you guys ejected me into space! [shivering] That's-that's just wrong!
Kevin: [Talking about Morningstar] Don't you think we should get to know him a little more?
Ben: What's to know? He's got the powers, he's got the gear-
Kevin: He's got a sparkly trail when he flies.
Gwen: You're sweet to do this Kevin. Ken is-
Kevin: [chuckles] What? Ken?! Your brother's name is Ken?! Gwen and Ken Tennyson. What are your folks' names, Sven and Jen? I'm talking to you, Ben.
Ben: [sarcastic] Yes, our names rhyme and you noticed, good for you.
Kevin: For a guy who's so cool, he sure picked a lame spot to have spring break.
Gwen: Ken IS totally cool. And he didn't pick where the awesome-mobile broke down.
Ben: His car... I told you he's cool.
Kevin: *sarcastic* Oh yeah, who could doubt it.
Kevin: That's a work-related accident. You can sue.
Ben: We are not stealthy.
Kevin: But we kick much butt.
Kevin: So, was I right?
Ben: Yeah, worst road trip ever.
[At Ben's house]
Ben: Has anyone told you you're a strange and dangerous person?
Kevin: Constantly...but enough about me. Gwen says that you need a favor.
Ben: Uh, yeah. See, I wanna go to the pier tonight with Julie...
Kevin: I bet you do.
Ben: And, since I don't have a car…
Kevin: Or a license.
Ben: …Or a license. I was wondering if you could give us a ride.
Ben: …No jokes, no insults, no blackmail?
Ben: Wow, thanks. Wait...you're gonna wait till we're in the car and you're gonna make my life miserable, aren't you?
Kevin: [smiles, then slams door] Knobs broken
Kevin: Now remember Benny-boy. Your mother and I want you back by 10-O'clock sharp, or you can't go to the disco.
Ben: He watches a lot of reruns.
Gwen: Give'em a break, Kevin.
Kevin: Gosh, pumpkin, what do you mean?
Gwen: [ticked off] You know exactly what I mean. At least when Ben likes a girl, he lets her know. He asks her out, maturely. Isn't that a novel approach?
Kevin: Dude, I don't know if I can pound your grandma!
Spidermonkey: That's okay. We're teaching her to mind her Mana!
Verdona: [laughs] Good one, Ben!
Verdona: Don't forget to have some fun, kiddo. Grandma's going to drop in now and again to see how you're doing.
Gwen's Mother: [sarcastically] Oh, Joy...
Ben You know who would be perfect for this?
Kevin: The suspense is killin' me!
Ben (as Goop): [After Ben changes into Goop] GOOP Patrol is on a roll!
Kevin and Gwen: EW!
Ben (as Goop): You know this is cool!
Ben: Want some help?
Kevin: You wanna help me? Go away!
Ben: Fine by me. [puts 2 juice cups down and walks away angrily] [Walks back to drinks and grabs one] No juice for you! [walks away again]
Old Kevin: What do you think you're doing?
Old Kevin: Don't even think about it. You don't have a license.
Ben: Grandpa Max taught me, and it's an emergency. You're near-sighted, arthritic, your reflexes are shot... and you're trying to unlock a cactus.
Old Kevin: You should've gone out with me when I was young and handsome.
Gwen: Too immature.
Old Kevin: How 'bout now?
Gwen: Too old.
Gwen: Wait a minute, they paid you to bring Ben to them, didn't they?
Kevin: That hurts. Don't you think I ever do anything of the goodness of my heart?
Gwen: How. Much?
Kevin: I cut him a deal.
Manny: Think you're funny?
Kevin: Hey, you're the comedian. At least you got the face for it.
Manny: BOY, ARE YOU ASKIN' FOR IT?!
Kevin: I'm begging for it! Who's gonna give it to me?!
Helen: (to Gwen) Tell your boyfriend to back off!
Gwen: No, you tell yours- whoa, he is so not my boyfriend!
Gwen: [Referring to Alien X] You can't just stuff him in the trunk.
Kevin: You're right...he doesn't fit.
Gwen: I'm serious, he hasn't moved since he fixed the dam. Maybe he's hurt or...
Kevin: Nah, he's warm. Maybe he's resting.
Ben: [To Serena] You! You're supposed to be love and compassion! How can you let an entire world die!? [To Bellicus] And you! You're supposed to be anger and aggression! How can you let bad stuff go unpunished!? How can you both be so useless!?
Bellicus: [Outraged] Useless!?
Serena: We're the most powerful being in the universe. We change the very nature of space and time.
Ben: You don't do anything! Billions of lives are at stake and you're like "Oh the procedure". [Serena starts crying]
Bellicus: Now look at what you did! Alright, I move that we save the Earth! Happy!?
Ben: No! Just let me out of here! I've got nine other guys who can do it better.
Serena: That's hurtful.
Ben: My name is Ben, Ben Tennyson. What's yours?
Reinassic III: I am known as Corine Reinassic III, seventh son of the noble Highbreed house of Dirassa, direct descendant of the High Order of Raseckt, heir to the--
Ben: I'm gonna call you Reiny.
Reinassic III: That is disrespectful, Ben-Ben Tennyson!
Ben: (hearing a rumbling in the background) Did you hear something?
Reinassic III: I heard nothing except you, human - which is the same as nothing.
Ben: (dryly) Ha-ha.
Reinassic III: I believe I'm beginning to grasp your concept of humour.
Ben: I swear, I've been calculating the angular momentum. If I don't pass, my mom will ground me, which means minimal hero time and zero Julie time. You do the math because, apparently, I can't.
Kevin: I believe him. When you lie, your left eye twitches. But who knows, maybe you've been blackin' out and sleep fighting.
Ben: (looking at Albedo's left eye twitching) It really does twitch when I lie.
Kevin: Told ya.
Albedo: This human body is unbearable!
Kevin: I get that, and the face is even worse.
Albedo: But some day I will be free, then they will all suffer, starting with Ben Tennyson,until that day... BRING ME CHILLI FRIES!!
Gwen: *annoyed and sighs again, magically pulls Kevin away from fixing his car*
Kevin: HEY! What?!
Gwen: Oh, look! They're having a formal dance at my school on Friday!
Kevin: What? You want me to take you to the dance?
Gwen: Great! Pick me up at 7!
Kevin: What?! *shocked*
Ben: I cannot stress enough the importance of flossing.
Kevin: Uh huh.
Ben: I found this in my teeth. [Holds up piece of metal] I think something may be going wrong with my powers.
Kevin: Uh huh. What do you know about girls?
Ben: ...Okay that has nothing to do with my problem. What do you want to know?
Kevin: Gwen's school is having some dance.
Kevin: I think she might expect me to take her.
Ben: So take her.
Kevin: But the dance is at Gwen's fancy prep school...with a sit down dinner and everything. What if she expects me to waltz? What if I use the incorrect finger fork?
Ben: If she wants you to dance, dance.
Kevin: [cuts Ben off] But, I don't know how-
Ben: [cuts Kevin off] And, there's no such thing as a finger fork.
Kevin: See, if I was a preppy guy, I'd know stuff like that.
Ben: You've saved the world, been to the null void and back. I'm sure you can handle the spring formal. But I'm having problems-
Kevin: [cuts Ben off] I should go rent a video on dancing, and maybe one on forks. Just to be safe.
Gwen: Yellow roses? How did you know?
Kevin: I'm a sensitive guy with an eye for what the ladies like.
Kevin: No. Actually, Ben told me. He was really cool about it. He gave me a lot of good advice.
Kevin: Yeah, he even tied my tie.
Gwen: Ben, tied your tie and gave you dating tips?
Kevin: It could happen.
Kevin: [showing Ben the video of Big Chill babies] Yep. Those are your kids.
Kevin: According to this, Necrofriggian- that's Big Chill's race -lays eggs once every eighty years or so. They'll live in space where it's cold, feeding on solar plasma. I doubt you'll ever see them again... mommy.
Ben: Cut it out!
[In a lab]
Ben: Everyone all right?
Kevin: Forget that, what about the teleporter pad?!
Gwen: Deep down, he's really glad we're okay.
Gwen and Julie: [Squealing over shopping]
Kevin: [Winces] Okay, no shrieking in the car.
Julie: Yeah, like you and Ben do when you’re watching football.
Gwen: No promises. Sometimes, we're gonna shriek.
Kevin: WE DO NOT SHRIEK! Uh, shriek.
Kevin: [laughs] Aww man. [laughs more]
Kevin: [laughs] Highbreed gave you a black eye. I like him better already.
Sandra: Do you really think we're that gullible? We were teenagers once too, you know.
Carl: I really don't know what to say.
Sandra: Well, I do. Benjamin Tennyson, you are grounded!
Ben (as Echo Echo): What!? You can't ground me! I'm a super-powered alien!
Sandra: You're a super-powered alien who's about five minutes from forcing me to reconsider a lifelong disbelief in corporal punishment!
Carl: Up the stairs, young man!
Sandra: [looking at Ben as Humongousaur] I'm sure you would've found a way out even if your father hadn't shot the big alien with his giant space bazooka.
Ben: Last time when I went in the Null Void I didn't need all this junk.
Kevin: Last time you had a motor home full of state-of-the-art Plumber gear.
Ben: Which you sold.
Kevin: Nice job parking, slick!
Tyler: You can't see it from the road. Driving a truck isn't easy.
Gwen: Neither is keeping a piece of equipment this size from aliens.
Tyler: [shocked at Ben’s transformation and the others’ powers] What are you people?!
Kevin: Get used to it.
DNAlien: We are stronger than you, human. Much, much stronger.
Gwen: Well, body odor isn't everything!
Kevin: What's so important that I have to miss the Auto Show?
Azmuth: The imminent destruction of your primitive world and all who live here.
Gwen: But if you'd rather go look at a new convertible, by all means.
Kevin: ...Riiiight, like I'm gonna miss this!
Gwen: Kevin Ethan Levin, you're coming with us!
Ben: Ethan? Your name is Kevin E. Levin? You just lost all remaining pretense of cool.
Kevin: You promised you never tell!
Azmuth: Are you inferring that you're smarter than me, because your head is bigger?
Brainstorm: No. I'm implying that I'm smarter than you, because my brain is bigger.
Ben: New plan. [Ben looks up at his teammates and thinks] Working on it!
Kevin: That's reassuring.
Ben: I got it! We break into the Highbreed Command Center and force the head Highbreed to retreat.
Darkstar: That's your plan?
Ben: Hey! How many times have I beaten you?
Darkstar: Twice. But at this moment I can't imagine how.
[In Kevin's car]
Ben: When did you get all this stuff?
Kevin: When didn't I? Every time we found some alien tech, I tossed it in the truck and whenever I had free time-
Gwen: You work on the car!
[Kevin's car heads towards the truck]
Ben: You're not gonna stop, are you?
Kevin: Nope. [smiles]
Ben: And this is why we always wear our seat belts!
Kevin: Nobody likes a backseat driver!
[A commercial announces a "Sumo Slammers" movie]
Ben: [In a girlish voice] AAAAAAAAAHHH! [Covers mouth in embarrassment]
Gwen: You sure Goop's down there?
Ben: It's a sewer. Of course there's goop down there.
Gwen: So not in the mood!
[Down in the sewer]
Ben: Phew! Smells like a sewer down here!
Gwen: I'm not kidding, Ben! No more sewer jokes!
Ben: Smells like a plan to me. [Gwen hits him] OW! Hey, I wonder if there are any alligators down here.
Ben: Yeah. I heard that people get baby alligators as pets, and flush them down the toilet. They grow gigantic in the sewers!
Kevin: Maybe I should go up and guard the exit.
Ben: Ooooohhhh! Big tough Kevin is scared of alligators!
Gwen: There are no alligators. That's just an urban myth.
Kevin: Yeah, and we're supposed to be an urban myth too. And anyway, you're scared of spiders.
Gwen: [Frightened] Are there spiders down here?
Max: Those are Pyroxivores. I haven't seen one in years.
Kevin: How come we've never heard of 'em?
Max: Kid, there's lots of species here on Earth you won't find in any book. That's where fairy tales come from. Unicorns, Trolls, Pixies; they're all real.
Kevin: Even Bigfoot?
Max: [laughs] Don't be ridiculous. That's a guy in a suit!
Kevin: No problem. [strikes match; reading] T...N...T... [Gwen realizes what Kevin just said, and blows out the match] What did you do that for? [strikes another match, but Ben blows the other match out] Cut it out!
Ben: You cut it out! The room's filled with dynamite! You almost blew us up!
Kevin: How was I supposed to know?
Ben: [sarcastically] I don't know. Reading?
Kevin: [looking over a destroyed road sign and other trashed things] Hooligans. Heh, and from the looks of it, amateurs.
Gwen: Are you hurt?
Kevin: [sarcastically] No, I like being blown up.
Gwen: We know. We got the 50 messages you left.
Ben: It wasn't 50!
Kevin: It was 50 each.
Kevin: [sarcastic] Oh right! The great Ben 10 is going to solve everything in one weekend.
Ben: It's a three-day weekend!
Argit: Hey! Finders keepers! Let go of my- Kevin! Long time no see; you look different. Did you cut your hair?
Kevin: [unamused] ...No.
[Kevin is crying because he lost the money of his and Argit's scam]
Gwen: Kevin, are you crying? Oh, you do have a heart!
Kevin: [sobbing] Yeah… That's what poor people have instead of money.
Octagon: What do I keep telling you, Boid? If we destroy it, we won't get paid. And that would be...?
Octagon: That is correct.
Octagon: We're the Vreedle brothers, ma'am. Providing quality service for all repossession needs throughout the galaxy. No questions asked.
Rhomboid: Mmhmm, because we're what you call, "Uncurious".
Ben: [about the court order] Just a bunch of alien mumbo jumbo.
Kevin: No, it's legit alright. [Ben looks at Kevin] What? I used to do a lot of repo work back in the Null Void.
Ben: This looks like that spaceship we borrowed from that guy on the moon that time.
Ben: You told him you were gonna give it back!
Kevin: And I will...eventually.
[in the borrowed spaceship]
Ben: What's this button for?
Kevin: Did I not mention this is a rental?
Ben: [Sees asteroids in front of them] Incoming!
Kevin: [tries to dodge them] Now what you wanna do is- [Ben presses the button, the ship fires at the asteroids] That?
[Gwen has blasted the Vreedles]
Octagon: She has painfully set us on our backside, Boid.
Rhomboid: Mmhmm, she most certainly needs aggressive blowin' up.
Octagon: Now, I'm gonna ask again nicely: everyone back away from the glob! [Rhomboid backs away] Not you!
Kevin: Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. I've got loads of experience in a courtroom setting.
Ben: As a defendant.
Kevin: So just follow my lead.
Ben: Who's the hero here? Hello! Omnitrix bearer. They'll listen to me before they listen to criminal mastermind Kevin Levin.
Kevin: Mastermind? [turns his face and smirks at Ben]
Judge Domsdle: You do not eat children! Yes, they're delicious, but we have laws.
Baz-El: Once the word spread about my property's participation in nothing less but saving the entire universe from eradication from the uncouth, foul smelling Highbreed-
Highbreed bailiff: HEY! [Bangs the judge's desk] OBJECTION!
Judge Domsdle ...And where is the property now?
Baz-El: The, uh, Vreedle brothers are in the process of retrieving it for me, your honor.
Judge Domsdle: The Vreedle brothers?! Who in their right mind would hire the Vreedle brothers to bring somebody back alive?!
Gwen: You're sure you don't want to shoot them? [Julie nods] Then we need a distraction. [Starts popping bubble wrap]
Octagon & Rhomboid: [distracted] Ooh...
Judge Domsdle: Don't I know you, son?
Kevin: Don't think so sir.
Judge Domsdle: You're Kevin Levin! Didn't I tell you the next time I see you in my court room, I'd chuck you in the Null Void?!
Kevin: I can explain!
Judge Domsdle: That's what you always say!
Judge Domsdle: Never in all my days-
Kevin: We are so, so sorry, your honor. Your excellency, your-. Quick, Tennyson. W-what's another big word?
Judge Domsdle: The court rules in favor of... [camera zooms in on Kevin, Ben and BaZ-El] Ben Tennyson!
Judge Domsdle: There is no reason the wielder of the Omnitrix should have to bother himself with petty matters such as this.
Baz-El: Cease and desist! You are no longer in my employ.
Kevin: He's not gonna pay you.
Rhomboid: Not! Gonna!! PAY US?!!! [blasts Baz-El]
Octagon: [sighs] Remember what we talked about you overreacting? Well, one could consider this particular occasion also qualifying as such!!
Ben: Mind telling me what's going on here?
Kevin: Short answer, Energy Axe plus Omnitrix equals dimensional displacement. Which means your hand is probably wherever you just were.
Ben: My hand is in the Null Void?!
Kevin: Simple, all we have to do is reverse the polarity of the thing that displaced it in the first place.
Ben: The axe?
Kevin: I said it was simple, not easy.
Humungousaur: I could beat you with one hand tied behind another dimension.
Kevin: Keep the beam fixed on Ben's arm.
Ben: What are you doing?
Kevin: This shot has to be just right.
Ben: And if it's not?
Kevin: Then bits of you gets scattered across multiple dimensions. Don't worry; I'm pretty sure I can do this.
Ben: Pretty sure?
Kevin: [about Max' burgers] Squid? I thought those were hamburgers.
Ben: [looks at it] That would explain the tentacles.
Kevin: [recieves a hamburger] These are regular burgers, right?
Ben: [looks at it] I see eyes and a beak in there.
Max: That was the last of my ground squid too. I have some hamburger meat in the freezer, though. I guess we could eat that.
Kevin: [feigns sorrow] Well, if we're out of squid, what can we do?
Kevin: [wakes up] I'll get the chow, last time Max made breakfast. We had scrambled eggs and eyeballs.
Kevin: No dinner last night, no breakfast this morning. What are we, on a diet?
Kevin: Come on. We'll follow in my car.
Ben: Forget the car. I've got a better idea. [selects Way Big, but becomes Humungousaur] Way Big- Aw, man! Humungousaur… I wonder if the Omnitrix is still under warranty.
Gwen: Just tell us... Are there any more Highbreed doomsday plans left on Earth we should know about?
Reinrassic III: Absolutely not! [pauses] Um, I will... check the records.
Kevin: [About Charmcaster's plan to take Gwen's powers] She probably won't come when I tell her that.
Charmcaster: Don't tell her that, you simpleton!
Kevin: Hey, give me a break. My mind's a blank.
Kevin: This couldn't be a more obvious trap if there was a sign that read "free cookies!"
Ben: Probably... but I really like cookies.
Vilgax: [about Ghostfreak] He tried to possess me.
Ben: He always was the possessive type.
Ben: You are so leaving your evil cred.
Vilgax: Watch your tone, Ben Tennyson! If I didn't need your help...!
Ben: [smiles] There's the bad guy we all love to hate!
Darkstar: Do you like being trapped in your current hideous form?
Kevin: About as much as you like being a butt-ugly energy sucking vampire. No offense.
Darkstar: None taken.
Ben: Then I guess it's time for... [Tries to transform into Humongosaur, but becomes Big Chill] Big..! Chill? Never get what I ask for! Never!
Ben: Fastest way to track her is as Jetray! [Transforms into Echo-Echo] Echo-Echo!?
Kevin: That's getting old, Ben. Seriously.
Ben (as Echo-Echo): Tell me about it!
Gwen: Careful Ben.
Kevin: Two words that contradict each other.
Gwen: You mean it's an oxymoron?
Kevin: Some kind of moron.
Kevin: I think we should get in the car. [Referring to the box transforming into a copy of Ben]
Ben: And run away?
Kevin: And run it over.
Ben copy: Run away.
Ben copy: Woah!
Ben: What are you? Where did you come from?
Ben copy: What are you? Where did you come from?
Ben: Cut it out!
Ben copy: Cut it out!
Kevin: What do you mean "wait"? That thing's determined to wreck my ride!
Ben: He sort of already wrecked it.
Ben: Are we doing this again?
Gwen: What are you gonna do with it?
Rhomboid: Why, auction it off to the highest bidder.
Octagon: Not that our business is any of your...business.
Rath: YOU WANNA FIGHT ME, KEVIN LEVIN?! [Throws Kevin at the wall] LET'S GO!!!
Gwen: Someone needs a time out! [puts a mana sphere over Rath's head]
Rath: [Tries to get the sphere off his head] TIME OUT?! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN THAT NOBODY CAN BEAT ME AT-!!! Did I just use up all my air? [hangs his tongue out of his mouth and falls unconscious]
[Rath regains consciousness, Gwen and Kevin walk up to Rath]
Gwen: Ben, can you understand me?
Rath: 'Course I can, Gwen Tennyson!! You think I'm stupid?!!
Kevin: Yep, thick as a brick.
Rath: [stands up] YOU WANNA FIGHT?! YOU WANNA FIGHT?!! DAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!! [attempts to attack, but cannot because Gwen has used her mana to restrain him]
Gwen: Not helping, Kevin. [turns back to Rath] Calm down, Ben! We need you to listen. You've become something called an Appoplexian. We looked it up in the ALDB.
Gwen: Alien Life-form Data-Base.
Kevin: Appoplexians are powerful, argumentative and extremely aggressive. They believe any problem can be solved by hitting it.
Rath: Not true! Sometimes you have to hit things a LOT!
Kevin: It also says they're not too bright. [crosses his arms. Rath growls at him] Dude, did you just growl at me?
Gwen: OK, Ben, I'm going to let you go, but you have to stay calm. Control your anger. No stomping! [lets Rath go]
Kevin: Maybe you wanna reboot the Omnitrix and get back to normal?
Rath: OK, but not 'cause you told me to!
Kevin: Nope. It was your idea.
Rath: OK. Here we go. Changing back. [slaps the Omnitrix symbol, but doesn't change back and the Omnitrix symbol makes a 'powering down' noise] Wha'? It's busted! [whacks the Omnitrix symbol repeatedly, but still doesn't change back] Come... OFF ME! [starts to pull at the Omnitrix symbol, obviously generating a lot of pain]
Gwen: Stop! Ben!
Rath: [still yanking at the Omnitrix symbol, eventually flings himself onto the ground. Gwen, Kevin and the Tiffin go over. Rath sits up, suprising the others] Anybody hungry?!
Gwen: [about Argit] He's a conman, who would sell his own mother for lunch money.
Kevin: I happen to know he got top dollar for his mom.
Rath: [After Octagon blows up his plate of food] LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', OCTAGON VREEDLE!!!! YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! A MAN'S FOOD IS HIS CASTLE!!!
Octagon: [confused] I believe what you've done there is mixing what-ya-might-call-it... methaphors!
Rath (to Vulkanus): C’mon, that’s a great deal! Considering every time we run up against you, WE KICK YOUR BUTT!!
Vulkanus: What... did you say?
Rath: I should have said SPANK your butt, since you’re just a little BABY IN THAT BIG, MECHANICAL SUIT!!!
Kevin: Er, Ben, I got this one.
Rath: I’m gonna call you BABYMAN, Babyman!
[Rath, Gwen, & Kevin bring the Tiffin to a large temple where a huge, red Jarret is sitting on a throne]
Jarret: I am Jarret, King of the Pantophage.
Rath: [snatches the Tiffin's egg from Kevin] Let's get it over with. We brought you the Tiffin!
Jarret: And, I thank you for your trouble. [He takes hold of the egg. The Tiffin squeaks sadly]
Rath: Sorry, little guy. [He lets go of the egg. Jarret places the Tiffin on top of a yellow cake]
Jarret: There. Isn't that... lovely? [Quickly picks up the Tiffin and eats him, then rubs his stomach] Ah...
[Rath, Gwen and Kevin stare in disbelief and shock. Kevin faints]
Rath: DID YOU JUST EAT THE BABY?!?!?!
Jarret: Ah, yes. I did.
Rath: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA KEEP HIM!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS A PEACE OFFERING!!!!
Jarret: Yes, well, he was all at. Plus a rare delicacy. That's what a peace offering is, here on my planet.
Rath: Eating! BABIES! IS NOT! COOL!!!! [He jumps down Jarret's throat, wriggles around in his stomach, and bursts through Jarret's front teeth, holding the Tiffin. The Tiffin squeaks.] Yeah, I know. Same here.
Jarret: [feels the gap in his teeth with his tongue] How dare you! Certainly you realize that this means war!
Rath: [gives Kevin the Tiffin] Hold this. [He leaps onto Jarret's face] LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', JARRET OF PANTOPHAGE!!! I JUST JUMPED DOWN YOUR THROAT!!! YOU START A WAR WITH THE LUODANS AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!!! ONLY NEXT TIME, I'LL KNIT YOUR INTESTINES INTO A SWEATER!!!!
[Rath turns back into Ben as Zaw-Veenul, Sicily, and the Tiffin leave]
Gwen: Ben, you're back!
Ben: Yeah! As soon as the Tiffin left, I went back to normal.
Gwen: That baby must have sent out some sort of interference that messed with the Omnitrix.
Kevin: Good guess.
Ben: You KNEW?!
Kevin: Well, I wasn't sure exactly, but...
Ben: [Angry] Kevin... Rath would like a word with you. [turns into Rath] LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', KEVIN E. LEVIN!
Kevin: [squeaks] Please don't.
Azmuth Rath: Let me tell you something, Vilgax, conqueror of ten worlds!! Azmuth will defeat you!! Azmuth will hunt you down even though you're standing right there!! You are no match for the awesomeness of Azmuth!!!
Kevin: Quick! Chew through our chains!
Azmuth: I am not a rodent!
Kevin: Could-a fooled me...
Way Big: [grabs Vilgax's hand, whacking his face repeatedly with it] Stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself!
Kevin: Heh heh heh heh... Classic...
Gwen: I'll save you, Kevin! I promise.
Paradox: That's the sort of thing that got you in trouble in the first place.
Gwen: And Ben?
Paradox: He fought bravely, but eventually, they caught him too. Pity. After you died, he was the planet's last hope.
Gwen: No! Dead?! Me?!
Paradox: Yes! Dead! You! Why are we talking this way?
Kevin: [on the road, Kevin driving fast as usual, suddenly sees a truck in front of him and horns] C'mon, C'mon, move it! [sees that the truck does not move] Oh! Is that how it's gonna be! [Kevin's car forms missile launchers to blast the truck off]
Gwen: Anger management! Appropriate response!
Kevin: Yeah, ok, no missiles. We're goin' off-road! [takes the shortcut and manages to overtake the truck]
Ben: [Gwen turns around as Ben coughs and then says in a weak voice while laying down on the backseat] I dont think I'm gonna make it...
Kevin: Hang in there, hero! We're almost there!
Gwen: Look! There it is!
Kevin: [reaches Mr.Smoothies] One mango blueberry with extra lemon stat.
Ben: [sits up and sneezes] ... Better make it a double.
Gwen: [Seeing that Ben is overacting, like he is going to die] Ok Ben, it's just a common cold.
Ben: There's nothing common about this cold, Gwen. It's epic. [blows his nose with his hand]
Gwen: [disgusted by Ben's act] You are completely disgusting Ben, use a tissue. [hands him a tissue]
Ben: I was gonna wipe my hand on my pants.
Gwen: I swear, Ben, you're gonna make all of us sick!
Kevin: [handing the prepared smoothie to Ben in the backseat] Here you go, Tennyson, the old Levin family cure.
Ben: Really? Smoothies?
Kevin: Nah, [pours a yellowish-brown color medicine in it] the smoothies's just so that you can gulp down the real cure. It's bitteroot.[as Ben takes a sip] They call it that because-
Ben: [makes a vomitting sound and his mouth get's stuck to the straw as he stops drinking]
Kevin: Anyway, its good for a cold. Drink up... [Ben mutters something which is not understandable] What?
Gwen: He says he can't, his lips are puckered shut.
Kevin: You can understand that? You should be a dentist!
Vilgax: It's going to be glorious, Albedo!
Albedo: Pardon me if I don't break into applause.
Vilgax: Of all the worlds I've conquered, this one will be the sweetest.
[Ben, Gwen, Grandpa Max and Kevin teleport onto the ship]
Grandpa Max: There's an old Earth expression about not counting your chickens before they're hatched.
Vilgax: The Tennyson family, and their pet juvenile delinquent.
Kevin: "Juvenile"? I'm gonna be eighteen a year from next Tuesday!
Gwen: Your birthday's next week and you didn't even tell me?
Kevin: It's no big deal.
Gwen: I don't have time to pick out a present!
Vilgax: I wouldn't worry about it, girl. None of you will live to see the day.
Ben: I think that's the longest I've been around you without hearing a death threat!
Vilgax: Fire's not so useful now that we're in my element!
Ben (as Ultimate Swampfire): A sinking ship is your element? That explains sooo much.
To do list:
1. Wear shirt that says "life". Hand out lemons on street corner.
2. Hire two private investigators; get them to follow each other.
3. Go into a crowded elevator and say, "I bet you are all wondering why I gathered you here." with a straight face.
4. Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public.
5. Become a teacher. Make a test in which every answer is "C". Enjoy the show.
6. Wait until someone is about to sneeze, right before they do, scream loudly "PIKA PIKAAA!"
7. Run into a store, ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.
8. Buy a horse, name it "Oscar takes the lead," enter it in horse races.
9. Invite someone into your office, turn around in office chair and say "I've been expecting you."
10. Change name to Simon. Speak in third person.
11. Become a doctor. Change last name to Acula.
12. Buy a parrot. Teach it to say "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"
13. Follow joggers in a car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.
12 Things To Hate About Everyone:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Are you looking for something?". No I like wandering around the house like an idot looking under stuff.
4. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 bucks to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
6. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
7. When people say "life is short". What the heck? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and somebody asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
9. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?
10. When you're eating something and somebody asks 'Is that any good?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
11. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks; that's an image I really didn't need.
12. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes, you McIdiot!!!
A Flame Poem-By Meta Knight LOVER
Don't you understand?
Flamers will pick about this poem. People who hate flamers will repost this in their profiles!
(It was too sad not to post it here.)
Sarcastic/Funny Crap that KodiakWolfe13:
Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
Excuse me. Have you seen my mind? I think I've lost it...
My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me
MOO... I'm a fish
Silence is Golden, Duck tape is Silver
Guns don't kill people, People with mustaches do
Love isn't about joy, it's about endurance
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde
Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?
They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it you moron!" -Stewie Griffin
"You know, I do not think that means what you think it means." Inigo Montoyez
Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
It's all fun and games until the other person loses their mind
Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.
Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think its Colin.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'
It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
"If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."
"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."
"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib."
"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."
"After all is said and done a heck of a lot more is said than done."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."
"Happiness is your dentist telling you "it won't hurt a bit," and then he catches his hand in the drill."
Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
SARCASM is just another free service I offer.
I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask questions.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Trying is the first step toward failure.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.
Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation.
"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."
"I am sick of people having a near death experience and saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That's not GOD…it's a MAGLIGHT!" Tony V.
Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone's in style.
So what? I've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.
Yes I may be smiling, but I'm secretly laughing at your face.
I didn't say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
Do not disturb I'm disturbed enough already
Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Guns don't kill people. Fat, fluffy switchblade-wielding baby ducks do.
You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!
Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?
I'm not suffering from insanity...I'm enjoying every minute of it!
Who ever said nothing is impossible never tried to staple water to a tree and slam a revolving door.
We are not retreating...we are advancing in another direction.
Don't worry about the world ending today it's already tomorrow in some other part of the world!
Drive like you stole it!
Everyday I think people can't get any dumber. Every day I'm proven horribly wrong.
I didn't escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence!
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Some people are like slinkies, good for nothing, but they make you smile when you push them down a flight of stairs.
It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.
It's not PMS...it's you.
Normal people worry me.
There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now.
I do not have an attitude problem! I have an attitude, but I just can't find a problem with it.
I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads.
I don't need your attitude, I have my own.
You're a great friend. But if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you.
I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty fast!
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Eagles may soar, but wolves don't get sucked up into jet engines.
The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!
I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.
I am being driven insane. And I must say the scenery is nice.
Would you like a cookie? So would I!
You can't make people love you, but you can stalk them until they give in.-Scoop by Rene Gutteridge
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Slinky Escalator = Endless fun
I ran with scissors, and lived!
If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.
A day without sunshine is like...Night.
Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise!
"If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em. If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em. If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em. If ya can't kill 'em, you're doomed."
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Most learn by observation. Some learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually touch the fire.
The next time you think your perfect, try walking on water.
"Be alert! The world needs more lerts..."
"Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil."
"Smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to."
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Stop the world. I want to get off.
I would just like to point out, the dark side has no cookies. But still, JOIN US AND GET FREE BROWNIES!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 percent probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
Edward isn't a Vampire. He lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles. He's obviously a Fairy.
ROTFLOLASHTINCBISAGOWOTTARUTDIAIOA - Rolling on the floor laughing out loud and so hard that I nearly choke but I see a glass of water on the table and reach up to drink it and I'm ok again.
For men who think.”A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept!
Definition of pointless = chocolate in resealable bags!
Do not interrupt me when I'm concocting evil schemes or I will bite you.
Today, my friend showed me that the word OK looks like a sideways person. Then I pointed out that QK looks like a ninja. I win.
Bubble wrap... addicting people since 1957
I watched a PG movie without my parents’ permission. What. A. Rebel.
I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.
You squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice. You squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. So how come when you squeeze a cow, you get milk??? COW JUICE, PEOPLE.
Was in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" Nope, we're fishing for birds.
You think My Danny Phantom obsession is unhealthy, but I think your One Direction obsession is unhealthy, so who's the winner here?
My mother told me not to talk to strangers, which is why I don't talk to myself.After all, I'm stranger than you.Even if you're loony.
The chicken didn't cross the road. I ran it over in my Chevy when it was halfway across.
The Nyan Cat song goes, "MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW MEW." The cow goes, "Moo Moo Moo." The duck goes, "Quack Quack Quack." I go, "SHUT UP! I'M TYPING!"
Sleep is for the weak, coffee is life.
I know most girls would scream and cry if a boy hit them, but I would tell my friends to bring a shovel, an alibi, and a chainsaw.
Are you as bored as I am? Read this backward and it still makes sense.
Get on a plane and yell Hijack, and when everyone panics just say,"What? I thought I saw my friend Jack."
A good friend will say, "Don't do it." Your best friend will say, "We need more fireworks."
A good friend will say, "You shouldn't have done that." A best friend will say, "Let's do it again."
A rope $5, a knife $7, a pickle $1, a hankie $2, a gun and silencer $20, look on the cashiers face, PRICELESS!
Duct tape, rope, matches, a can of gas, and a bottle of vodka. I would love to see the look on the cashiers face when I walk to the register with all this stuff.
A friend will ask if you're okay, a good friend will pick you up and say you're okay, but a best friend will say, "Whose grave am I digging now?"
Best friends are like ninja assassins, destroying whatever sorry soul should harm you, even by accident.
Best friends will scream, "I FRIKKIN LOVE YOU!" in a public place and not worry about whether people think ya'll are gay.
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.
And to think you are the result of millions of years of evolution!
I'm not mean, you're just a sissy.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. - unknown
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx
"Humor is reason gone mad." - Groucho Marx
R-A-P-E, get that thing away from me! -RainbowDash77
Did you even notice that therapist is made of the words "the rapist"? - RainbowDash77 and Me
When life hands you lemons, throw them back and yell, "Make your own Lemonade!"
So I heard you like water. That's great. You like 80% of me already!
They laugh because we're losers. We laugh 'cause they just figured that out!
You should go find your Prince! The poor guy could be stuck up a tree or something!
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group. It's fascinating!
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems!
In exactly every single case where some said, "Oh no she didn't!" She did.
Parents call it talking back. We call it explaining.
Don't judge me on what I did seconds ago. I've changed since then.
Looking up at stars* Seeing all these beautiful constellations makes me want to write poetry. Or bake a ham, I forget which...
There is no 'I' in TEAM, but there is a 'I' in PIE and PIE is in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram for TEAM...So Ha!
Don't you dare tell me that the sky's the limit when there's FOOTPRINTS on the MOON!
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Hippoptomonstrousaequipodalicphobic: The fear of long words.
"Sir! We're surrounded!" "Good! We can attack anywhere!"
If you heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So shut up.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger...Then it hit me. I took it hard.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away...if you aim right. My apple always seems to miss. Bummer
What three words can embarrass a guy the most? "Hold my purse."
If life hands you lemons, you better ask for water and sugar too. Otherwise you've got pretty crappy lemonade.
How to do my homework? 5% library book, 10% textbooks, 85% GOOGLE!!!
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking, “I’m gonna kill- Ahhh! Dang! She’s under a blanket!”
That scary moment when you are about to fall asleep and a scene from a horror movie flashes through your mind.
To Do List: 1) Buy a sword, 2) Name it ‘Kindness’, 3) Kill people with Kindness
When you finally need that thing in your room, it’s gone.
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE… going back to sleep.
That beautiful moment when you’re in a restaurant and you see your food coming.
That moment when you see a bunch of people from school hanging out at the mall and you’re there with your mom.
When you drop something and just look at it because you’re too lazy to pick it up.
Teacher: “You should KNOW this! You learned it three years ago!” - You: “Duh! I don’t even remember what happened last week!”
That moment when you’re laughing so hard and you try to stop but you look at that person and laugh again.
My room may be a mess but I know where EVERYTHING is.
That moment when you find free Wi-Fi in public: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Phone vibrates at home: You can barely hear it. *Phone vibrates at school: FRIKKIN EARTHQUAKE!!!!
“Hey, did you get a haircut?” - “No, I died the tips invisible.”
Everything is always funnier when you’re not allowed to laugh.
Couples that are in love, I call love birds. Couples that always fight, I call angry birds.
Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even worse, the ringtone being “I Will Survive.”
You breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
I don’t have haters. I have fans in denial.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it.
“Stand still. The bee won’t sting you.” - “WHAT?!?! Screw that, I’m running!”
That moment when you think of a good comeback, except it’s four hours after the argument.
Trying to act natural around cops, even though you did nothing wrong.
Tickle me and I will not be responsible for your injuries.
Teacher: “Please open your textbooks to page 364.” - Random kid in class: “OH MY GOSH!! I JUST FLIPPED RIGHT TO THAT EXACT PAGE IN ONE FLIP!!!”
That awkward moment when you realize you’re going in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets like you forgot something.
That moment when someone takes the piece of food you mentally claimed.
I’m the kind of person to come out of gym… And go straight to McDonald’s.
Calling your mom back after 50 missed calls.
That moment when you look at your best friend and you both know what both of you are thinking and laughing.
If homework is work, then why am I not getting paid?
That moment when you’re on an embarrassing website and your computer freezes.
The internet always seems more interesting when you have work to do.
When someone touches my phone, I automatically turn into a ninja.
The fastest land animal is the teenager who sees mom pulling into the driveway and realizes that they forgot to do some chores.
Me: Goes to school, does all my homework, follows the rules, hardly ever goes out. - Parents: You’re frikkin out of control.
That awkward moment when you finally take a decent picture but you keep staring at it and it keeps getting uglier.
Dear 30 open tabs, which one of you is playing the music? Sincerely, frustrated.
When your friend tells you who they like and you’re like: I KNEW IIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
“Who are you texting?” - *name of boy* - “Is he your boyfriend?” - “No, Mom.” - “Do you like him?” - “NO, Mom!” - “Who DO you like?” - “GO AWAY, MOM!”
When I was younger, I thought the character turning from a child to an adult actually waited for themselves to age.
There’s one thing school taught me... Never touch the underside of the desk.
I am not hungry, but I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat.
Hello random bruise, where did you come from?
Starring at a dead body in a movie to see if you’ll catch them moving.
Cashier: “That’ll be $17.67.” - You: *Hands over $20 bill* - Mom: “I GOT THE SIXTY SEVEN CENTS!!!”
If you friend request me on Facebook and your picture is a car, I will automatically assume you’re a Transformer.
Saving a file and naming it “asdfghj” just to go fast.
That one password you use for everything and if anyone figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.
“Airplane mode” will not make your phone fly.
Dear Boys, if you don’t look like Calvin Kelvin Models, don’t expect us to look like Victoria’s Secret Angels. Sincerely, Girls.
“Ok, I’m going to study now…” 3 Hours Later... “Ok, I’m going to study now…”
When I sit down in a field, I automatically start pulling grass.
“Do you have a pencil?” - “Nope.” - *looks down at bag of pencils* *laughs evilly*
Dear McDonald’s Cashier, don’t give me that look. There’s no age limit on the Happy Meal. And don’t forget the toy.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
What light flickering means: 1% electrical problems, 99% demons.
Me: I’m actually happy right now. - Life: LOL, one sec.
Dear SpongeBob, you live in Bikini Bottom and you’re super absorbent. Sincerely, You’re A Tampon.
“You’re so ugly!” - “Really? I was trying to look like you today!”
I love driving behind old people. You get so much done: Eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, read a book, write a book…
When someone starts telling you something but they end saying “Never mind”, so you’re like “TELL ME!”
“Don’t move. There’s something in your hair.” - “GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OOOOFFFFFF!!!!”
When you make an epic joke and everyone starts laughing and you just sit there with so much power.
When you see your photo on your ID card: EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!
When you eat the rest of the good food in the fridge while everyone’s gone and you’re like: I’m not even sorry.
When someone is online but doesn’t reply to you: Alrighty then…
Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high-five.
Dear Gangster, if you pulled your pants up a little bit higher, you could probably run faster from the cops.
Thanks to Facebook, I know what everyone’s bathroom looks like.
“This password is too weak…” - Me: “I DON’T CARE!!! I WANT THIS PASSWORD!!!”
When I exercise, I wear all black. It’s like a funeral for all my fat.
I don’t know about you, but I must fill every waffle square with syrup.
When you listen to your iPod on the street and you walk in time with the music.
Oh, wait a sec! I found your nose! It was all up in my business again.
When a white van pulls up near you: “…Are you trying to rape me, sir?”
Text message: ‘Haaay! Wutt r yew doin?!’ - ‘About to throw a dictionary at your face…’
When a little kid asks me how to do something and I don’t feel like explaining it: Magic!
Singing one line of a song all day because that’s all you remember…
When someone says your celebrity crush isn’t attractive: SHUT UP!!
When your friend isn’t at school: I hate you so much for leaving me with these idiots.
That moment when you talk to yourself and you start smiling like an idiot because you’re just so hilarious.
When a bug is outside the window: “Hello Mr. Bug.” When a bug is inside the window: “DIE, DIE, DIE!!!”
I’m not fat. My stomach is 3D.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding them down so they can’t get away.
Don’t bother to put your hand over my mouth to shut me up. I will lick you.
Mom three hours ago: We’ll leave in thirty minutes.
Parent: What did you learn today? Child: Apparently not enough, we have to go back tomorrow.
Dog’s Mind: Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I’ll be watching you.
Friend: Your parents are so nice! - Me: That’s because you’re here!
School: 2 plus 2 equals 4. Homework: 2 plus 4 plus 2 equals 8. Exam: Omar has four apples; his train is seven minutes early. Calculate the mass of the sun.
If we’re not allowed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
I never said I hate you. I said if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
My teacher pointed at me and said: “There’s an idiot at the end of this stick!” I got detention for asking which end.
Once you hate someone, everything they do is so offensive: “Look at her! Eating those stupid crackers like she owns the place!”
Cleaning my room: 10% Cleaning, 30% Complaining, 60% Playing with the stuff I’ve found!
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
Me looking at old pictures: “Why?” Me looking at old haircut: “Why?” Me looking at old clothes: “Why?” Me looking at old crush: “Why?”
Me: Hey Mom? Mom: WHAT?! Me: Never mind, you’re not in a good mood.
I love how in scary movies the person yells out ‘Hello?’ like the killer is going to be like ‘Yeah, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?’
Parents: “We need to talk.” Me: *millions of things run through my mind* ‘What did they find out about?!’ Parents: “Stop leaving the lights on.”
I hate when you’re eating chips and the crunching is louder than the TV.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
“My memory is so bad.” - “How bad is it?” - “How bad is what?”
When your friend leaves you alone with someone new: “So… What kind of stuff do you do?”
I have a Fanfiction life and a real life. Basically, I’m Hannah Montana.
When people see you lying down with your eyes closed and they have to ask “Are you sleeping?” - “No, I’m training to die.”
Admit it: You still use your hands to tell which way is left and right.
H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K. Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge
Facebook says we are “friends”. But trust me. I would not hesitate to punch you in the face.
Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but, apparently, the name iTouch Kids didn’t sit too well.
I’ve always wanted to turn around in a chair and say, “I’ve been expecting you.”
When your parents try to talk to you about your future and you’re just like: “Someday, I’ll be a beautiful butterfly.”
When I accidently step on my pet and I’m like “OH MY GOSH!! I’M SO SORRY!!” and they run away and I’m like “LET ME LOOOOVVVVE YOU!!!”
When I overhear my mom talking about me on the phone: “SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU LIMP NOODLE!!!”
Did you know if yell Bloody Mary 3 times at 3 a.m., your mom will show up, tell you to shut up and go to bed?
That awkward moment when everybody is so quiet and you and your friend are the only ones talking.
A Mother Over Text: “Hey Honey! You left your phone at home this morning! Just thought I’d let you know!” - “John? Did you get my message this morning?” - “Son?! Are you OK???” - “JOHN!!!” - “Why are you ignoring your MOTHER!? You are in big trouble!” - “Oh… Wait… I’m an idiot.”
When my friend asks “Wanna hear a secret?”: *grabs popcorn* Go on.
Friends Over Text: “Dude, are you throwing stones at my window? What do you have a phone for?” - “Ok, sorry, you’re right.” - “Did you just throw your phone at my window?!”
Mirror: OOO, you look good today! Camera: LOL, no!
A Girl and Boy Over Text: “So, I heard you like bad boys…” - “Yeah…” - “I’m not trying to impress you or anything but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parent’s permission, I didn’t.”
Talking on the phone with someone with kids is like talking to someone with Tourette’s: “Yeah, I’d love to have lunch – DON’T LICK THAT!! – Where do you want to eat?”
I hate when people see me at the supermarket are like: “Hey, what are you doing here?” And I’m like: “Oh, you know, hunting elephants.”
Having those weird conversations with your best friend that you know, if anyone heard, you’d both be put in a mental hospital.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking “Try not to act like a criminal. Try not to act like a criminal.”
Friend: I hate you! Me: Well, I hate you! Next day… Friend: Heeey! Me: Heeey!
Perks about the Easter Bunny: Brings candy and toys every year. Doesn’t watch your kids while they’re asleep or tries to kiss your wife.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you go to the second page of Google.
What is this ‘outdoors’ you speak of? It’s probably just a typo for indoors.
The number one search on Bing is Google.
Every mother on earth gave birth to a child. Except my mom. She gave birth to a legend. High-five mom.
Admit it. This is how we explain a conversation: “I was like – And she was like – THEN I WAS LIKE AND SHE WAS LIKE…!”
I am such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers me on.
Three Facts About You: 1. You can’t say the letter ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2. You are trying to do that and realize you look like an idiot. 3. You are laughing at yourself.
“You ask.” - “No, you ask.” - “Will you please ask?” - “Why can’t you ask?” - “Fine… Hey, my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like finding a gift to me… From me.
Dear Math, I am sick and tired of finding your x. Just accept the fact that she is gone. JUST MOVE ON, DUDE.
Dear Math, I liked you a lot better before you and the alphabet hooked up. Sincerely, Student.
Lazy Rule: Can’t reach what I dropped, don’t need it.
I don’t understand the logic of why people write ‘lol’ after ‘hahaha’.
I won’t be impressed by technology until the day I can close out of the YouTube app and still hear the music.
At school, I risk my phones life to text you.
When people say “I can hear your music.” I’m like “So can I.”
Hearing noises when you’re home alone and accepting the fact you’re gonna die.
Adult: Do you know what college you’re going to go to? You: *sweats nervously* MONSTER UNIVERSITY.
I wonder if British people sit around and do American accents.
One Direction: “You don’t know you’re beautiful!” LMFAO: “I’m sexy and I know it!”
I hate when I forget to press send and I’m sitting there like an idiot waiting for a reply.
Dear Sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger but now I love you!
I always regret leaving my phone on “silent” when I can’t find it.
“Let’s watch a scary movie!” *hours later* “Dude, walk me to the bathroom.”
The uglier the snapshot, the tighter the friendship.
Putting your iPod on shuffle and then skipping through all of the songs to find a certain one.
Throwing things at people and then acting like it wasn’t you.
DEAR HATERS, I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT Awesome ends in ‘me’ and ugly starts with ‘u’.
5 kinds of fear: panic, terror, 15 missed calls from mom, “wrong password”, “We need to talk.”
That moment when you get a sweet text and you just keep sitting there, staring at the screen like a weirdo.
Phone on silent: 10 missed calls - Phone on loudest volume: nobody calls all day.
fire alarm* Teacher: Ok kids, everyone in a single file line… - Me: MOVE GRANDMA!!! I’M ABOUT TO DIE!!
missed call* - *calls back* - *no answer* What!? Did you die within three seconds?!
People who can plug a USB in on their first try must really have their life together.
How I end a class presentation: “So… Um… Yeah…”
When your teacher gives you a 20 minute lecture on not wasting time…
“Did you just fall?” - “No. I attacked the floor.” - “Backwards?” - “I know, I know. I’m talented like that.”
First day of school: 30 pencils, 64 crayons, 20 pens, 12 rulers, 10 notebooks. MIDDLE OF MARCH: 1 pencil you found on the ground.
Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack.
Slapping your friend when you get excited about something.
Always be positive. *trips down stairs* WHEW, I GOT DOWN THOSE STAIRS FAST!!
That awkward moment the entire class is silent and your stomach decides to make a dying whale sound.
Normal Person: I love it when my girlfriend/boyfriend tells me they love me! Me: I love it when the microwave tells me my food is done!
I remember when my best friend was quiet and shy. I created a monster.
WHAT IT SAYS: Do not touch. WHAT I READ: Touch when nobody is looking.
Me when I’m almost home: I can almost taste the internet…
“I need to stop.” I whispered as I clicked the next episode.
No teacher, I don’t know the answer. That’s why my hand wasn’t raised.
Yawning: Your body’s way of saying 10% battery left.
Real pain is having to wash your hair after a really good hair day.
That awkward moment you type a word so wrong that even auto-correct doesn’t know what you mean.
“What’s today?” - “Wednesday.” - “No, I meant like the number.”
That awkward moment when you’re at a friend’s house and their parents start screaming at them and you’re like… That’s a nice wall…
Funniest thing in class: Teacher cracks a joke. No one laughs.
Saying to your friend, “If we get caught, here’s the story…”
I don’t care how old I am! I still love cartoons!
“Hey, did you ask yet?” - “No, my mom’s in a bad mood.”
The walk of shame you have to take when you have to put something back in the store because your mom said “no”.
3 a.m. phone call* - “Hey, are you asleep?” - “Nooo, I’m skydiving.”
Roses are red. Bacon is red. Poems are hard. Bacon.
Sometimes, I throw my Spanish book in the air and say "AIIYYYOOOO!! NO COMPRENDO!!!"
“Hi, may I help you?” - “No, I waited in line 15 minutes to say hi.”
1 new message: Runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic Ocean, pushes mom out of way, grabs phone… “K.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Ok, I’m getting out of bed in ten seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9…
In math, I use this thing called the ‘Guess and Hope Method’.
Mom: Why is your room always so messy? Me: So that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die.
“Mom, look!” - “Oh that’s great sweetie!” - “Oh, that’s cool how you saw it without looking.”
When I lose: Who cares?! It’s only a game!! When I win: HAHAHAHA!!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!
I’ll call it a “smartphone” the day I say “DANG IT!! WHERE IS MY PHONE!!?” and it answers “I’m here! Under your jacket!”
Some girls need to learn to not put on so much makeup. Your face is not a coloring book.
So if guns kill people, I suppose pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.
“FBI, open the door!” - “No, it’s cooler when you break in.”
When you trust a bank with your money, but they won’t trust you with their pens.
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly at the age of 25. YOU DON’T SAY?!?!
At what age is it appropriate that I should tell my dog he’s adopted?
I let some blind guy borrow money the other day. He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me. Wait…
Someday, I’m gonna make the onion cry.
I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
He broke her heart. She broke his Xbox. We all know who cried harder.
Pizza is the only love triangle I want.
Bumping into something and screaming “Ouch!” even though it didn’t hurt.
Dear Crush, don’t be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you from your bedroom on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You Were On My Wish List.
Math Teacher: I have five bottles in one hand and six in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.
Me: *sneeze* Class: *silent* Popular person: *sneeze* Class: GOD BLESS YOU, LORD JESUS LET GOD PROTECT YOU FROM THAT SNEEZE!! AMEN!!!
walks upstairs* Me: Why am I up here? *walks downstairs* Me: Oh, now I remember…
Mom: Clean your room, family’s coming over. Me: Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.
Me about to talk in public: *rehearses what I’m going to say 50 times* Me: Today, how you are.
“Be strong.” I whispered to my Wi-Fi signal.
I hate it when I’m in the dark and my brain says “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while?” Monsters.
I was singing a song… You joined in… I don’t want to sing it anymore…
SON OF A B…iisccuitt. Hi, mom…
The next time someone walks out of my room without shutting the door, I’m going to sing “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”
Teacher: If you have ten chocolate cakes, and someone asks for two, how many do you have left? Me: Ten. Teacher: Ok, well, what if someone forcibly takes two of the cakes? How many do you have left then? Me: Ten and a dead body.
2014: Cool story, bro. 1886: Interesting tale, my fine companion.
Me: Yes Mom, I understand! *two minutes later* Wait, what did she want me to do again?
Me: Holà! Como estas? Spanish guy: *speaks mad fast Spanish* Me: Dude, chill. Dora didn’t teach me that yet!
I hate when waiter’s ask, “Are you done with that?” when the plate is completely empty. Like, nah, I’m gonna eat the plate too.
Cool things always happen when I don’t have a camera.
“Rawr” does not mean “I love you” in dinosaur. Have you seen Jurassic Park? It means “I’m going to eat you!”
Things NOT to do at a funeral: 1) Yell out YOLO. 2) Tell old people “You’re next.” 3) Take a picture of the coffin and tag them on Facebook. 4) Wear a rainbow tux and claim you put the “fun” in “funeral.” 5) Whisper “I see dead people.”
That awkward moment when you spell a word correctly, but it looks so wrong you stare at it forever questioning its existence.
Don’t pick me. Don’t pick me. *teacher calls your name*
That awkward moment when you wake up from a five minute nap and you have no idea what day, month, or year it is.
My handwriting varies… Page 1: Excellent. Page 10: Fine. Page 20: Language change.
Me: “Mom… Dad… I have decided to live on my own from now on.” Them: “Ok, cool.” Me: “Your bags are outside.”
looks at mirror* You again…
How I view dogs: German Shepard, Poodle, Maltese, Labrador. How I view cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat…
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.
Friend: “A COCKROACH!!!” Me: “Calm down, it’s just a roach.” *Cockroach opens wings* Me: “RUUUUUNNNNN!!!!”
Having a Fanfiction is like living another life.
When my iPod is on shuffle: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes.
Whenever I see “write one interesting fact about yourself.”, I immediately forget everything that I’ve ever done.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your friend.
Writing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.
That crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you either go blind or get extremely dizzy.
Dear iPod, when I put you on shuffle, I meant play all my favorite songs. Sincerely, Skip, skip, skip, skip.
WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY AND YOUR TEXTING INCREASES BY A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT.
Simon says jump! Very good! But Simon didn’t say land, so you’re all out.
Flipping your pillow over to the cold, fresh side.
12 a.m.: I’m hungry.
‘Shall we go?’ - ‘Yeah.' …No one moves.
Cool story Mom. Don’t tell it again.
If you and your friend don’t have those small gay moments, I can tell your friendship is going to end soon.
Best friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people, together.
In school, the only thing group projects taught me was that I hate other people.
That awkward moment when a film says “based on a true story”, it gets ten times scarier.
That freaky moment when someone starts singing the song you were singing in your head.
Friend: Hey, who wants to start a gang? Me: I’ll ask my mom. ... My mom wants to talk to your mom just to make sure it’s ok.
Saying the entire alphabet because you can’t remember the next letter.
Dear Tom the Cat, Ii’s been 30 years and you still haven’t caught Jerry. Sincerely, You Need To Move On…
Whenever you walk into the doctor’s office and they ask what’s wrong and you immediately turn to your mom and she starts explaining.
That extremely annoying moment when you’re behind a slow walker and there’s no way around them.
That awkward moment when your computer is already super slow and you accidently click open another program.
Everybody has a boyfriend or girlfriend and I’m just sitting here like “I love food.”
I’m so good at sleeping; I can do it with my eyes closed.
I like to talk to someone for hours and not get bored of them.
Cool story, bro. Wanna hear mine? It’s a fairytale. Once upon a time, nobody cared. The end.
Teacher: From all this talking, I assume you’re done. You: From all this complaining, I assume you’re single.
Ways to die: Steal my food…
That awkward moment when you remember something but you don’t know if it was a dream or reality.
Me: *does weird things when home alone* I bet there’s cameras…
I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious.
Got so bored, logged off. Then logged back on because I got bored.
Dear High School Movies, please start hiring actors that are high-school age. Sincerely, You’re Not Fooling Anyone.
When I get the answer correct and the smart kid didn’t, I feel like a boss.
Right before I die, I’m going to tell someone “I left a million dollars in the…”
It took Harry Potter 7 long books to catch the bad guys but it took Scooby-Doo twenty-five minutes.
Dear Schools, how is being suspended a punishment for skipping class? Sincerely, Students.
Charging your phone five minutes before you leave as if it would make a difference.
“A, B, C, or D? Well, I haven’t had B for, like, four questions so I’ll choose that.”
That moment when someone who creates drama complains that they hate drama.
The best feeling is waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have hours left of sleep.
That moment when your pet falls asleep on your lap.
That amazing feeling you get when you crawl back into your warm bed.
Whenever I paint my fingernails, it lasts four days but when I paint my toes, it lasts for, like, six years. I don’t understand.
Dear Microsoft Word, I’m pretty sure I spelled my name correctly.
That moment of panic when your mom leaves you standing in the store line and you’re like: WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T COME BACK IN TIME AND THEY ASK ME TO PAY?!
That moment when you want to laugh but it’s inappropriate.
Dear Google, thanks for doing most of my homework. Love, Me.
I hate it when my body is like “Sneeze!” and then like “Just kidding.”
That awkward moment when you’re actually telling the truth but then you laugh and everyone thinks you’re lying.
That moment when the only thing you know on a test is your name.
That amazing moment when you drop your phone but the headphones saves its life.
Doing something weird and then thinking “This is why I’m not in a relationship.”
Why I don’t look out the window at night: 1% I’m afraid of the night, 99% I’m afraid I’ll see a face looking at me.
That moment when you close your eyes to apply shampoo and then get paranoid that someone is going to kill you in the shower.
Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
The death of a dog in a movie makes me sadder than the death of a human character.
Dear Face Wash Commercials, nobody splashes their face with water with their eyes open and smiling. Sincerely, My Whole Dang Bathroom Floor Is Wet
That moment when you try reading a text while you’re half-asleep and it’s like looking into the frikkin sun.
I swear, microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
That moment of fame when your name is in a Math problem.
I can memorize song lyrics easily but I can’t remember anything from school.
I never get to use an eraser completely because it’s always lost, stolen, or broken in half.
“Don’t talk to strangers.” Well, how am I supposed to make friends?!
That awkward moment when you can’t read your own handwriting.
“Someone likes you.” - “Who?” - “I can’t say.” - “Then why did you bring it up!?”
Teacher leaves room during test* Elementary: Psst, can I borrow a pencil? High School: WHAT’S NUMBER 1?!
Nothing brings two people closer together than hatred for a third person.
I love that kid that argues with the teacher and entertains the entire class.
Sleepover fact: The later it gets, the more the truth comes out.
That awesome moment when the teacher thinks you weren’t listening and you prove them wrong.
Laughing uncontrollably with your best friend over something stupid.
That one song on your iPod that plays really loudly and scares you to death.
When the teacher erases the board and sloppily leaves that one mark and you go a little insane.
“Hey cool! It bends!” *snap* “DANG IT!!!”
Drawing an arrow at the bottom of the page to let the teacher know there’s more on the other side.
Don’t tell me to calm down. It makes me want to rip your face off and shove it down a toilet.
“I didn’t do it!” - “Then why are you laughing!” - “Because whoever did it is a frikkin genius!”
Math Problem: If Jim has fifty chocolate bars and eats forty five of them, what does he have? Answer: Diabetes. Jim has diabetes.
I write the wrong date on my homework to make it look like I did it on time.
That moment when you have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and that hallway is suddenly the most terrifying thing in the world.
“Mom, make me some food?” - “Get it yourself!” - “Never mind. I’m not hungry.”
“No iPods in school.” Yeah, like Eminem is going to rap me the answers.
Me: Okay, it’s seven a.m. I should get up. Just five seconds. Five minutes. Five hours. Five days. Five years.
No matter how old I am, if I see an open swing, I will run for it.
Dear Sidewalk, please grow in width. Why are you so narrow? Sincerely, the Third Friend.
5 days of school, 2 days of weekend. 10 months of school, 2 months of summer. Who the freak divided this up?!
Not being able to finish a sentence because you’re laughing too hard about the end.
“Do me a favor?” - “Do I have to get up?” - “Yes…” - “Then no.”
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d laugh and search with them.
People keep telling me the right person will come along. Honestly, I think that person got hit by a truck.
I’m in a serious relationship with my Wi-Fi. You could say we have a “connection”.
I die a little inside when I see the word “explain” on a test.
When you’re so bored you alternate closing your left and right eye to see how an object changes places.
“Oh my gosh! You have grown so much! I remember when you were just a baby!” - “Who the freak are you?”
Walking into your room saying “Wow, I should clean this.” And then walking out.
“I’m going out, Mom.” - “With your friends?” - “No Mom, with terrorists.”
Me: *breathes* Mom: I am so sick of your attitude!
Having unlimited texting and no one to text.
Checking your phone to see what time it is and then checking it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
That moment you’re in a really bad mood and your parents won’t stop annoying you.
When people say “When I was little…” I say “I still do that.”
I have to sleep with a blanket. No matter how hot the room.
Don’t text me while I’m in the middle of texting you. I have to change my whole text.
My favorite kind of people are the ones that can make an unfunny joke hilarious by laughing.
When I see you, I am happy. I love you not for what you look like, but what’s inside you. -Me to my fridge
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
Things that Annoy Me: 1) People. 2) Slow Wi-Fi. 3) Homework. 4) School. 5) Drama. 6) School. 7) Low battery. 8) School. 9) And you know… School
Dear Toilet, please flush! Please flush! Please flush! Please flush! Please flush! Sincerely, At A Friend’s House
No dog should ever be homeless. No home should be dog-less.
Child: Mom, I love you! Mom: I love you too! Teenager: Mom, I love you! Mom: -.- What do you want?
during math test* My answer: 28 Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 36. Me: “Well, 26 is close to 28, so that must be the answer.”
Me: I’m a ninja! Friend: No, you’re not. Me: Did you see that?! Friend: See what? Me: Exactly.
“Mom, can I…” - “Go ask your father.” - “Dad, can I…” - “Go ask your mother.”
Teacher: “Imagine you were in a world of dinosaurs and a dinosaur was about to eat you, what would you do?” Me: “Easy, stop imagining.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket.”
Blanket on: Too hot. Blanket off: Too cold. One leg out: Perfect
“Is there going to be food?” - “Yeah.” - “Then I’m coming!”
We need a universal hand gesture for “My parents don’t know about that.”
My mom told me to clean my room while she’s gone. She’s back. OH CRAP!!!
‘Bathtub’ spelled backwards is still ‘bathtub’. ... No, it’s not. But for a minute there, you believed me.
Hey Google! Why don’t you let me finish what I’m typing before you start guessing after one letter? Little cocky, aren’t we?
I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless we’re in the dark. Then forgot that, you’re going first!
Dear family, thanks for putting empty boxes back in the pantry. Nothing like disappointment for breakfast.
“Ok, ok, I’m serious now.” *silence* *bursts out laughing*
People: You’re really quiet… Me: Nobody plans a murder out loud.
I’m not even on drugs! I’m just weird!
I hate mosquitoes! I know I’m delicious but dang!
When I’m at home on a school day, I look at the clock and think: “Haha! Those suckers are in math class!”
You look at a teacher’s hand, see a ring, and think: “Who would marry YOU?”
Boyfriend over text: ‘Hey Babe. You were amazing last night. You have a very talented pair of lips. ;)’ - ‘This is Abby’s dad.’ - ‘AMAZING AT KARAOKE!! WOW, SHE SURE CAN SING!! YOU GOT A TALENTED GIRL, MR. GILLIANS!!’ - ‘I know. She’s just an amazing singer. I think she’s got real potential. I think it’s great you agree!’
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane.
Sitting at Home: “Oh cool, it’s raining.” Sitting in School: “HEY LOOK! IT’S RAINING!!”
When I was a kid, vampires and werewolves were scary. Now everyone wants to date them.
Expectation: I studied last night! This test should be easy! Reality: I studied last night. What the freak is this?
Saying “Oh yeah, I remember!” when you don’t.
Leaving your house and then half way there, you realize you forgot something.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next.” So I do the same thing to them at funerals.
Random Text: ‘Dude, are you ready to party!’ - ‘Ummm, who is this?’ - ‘Oh, sorry.Wrong number. Bye.’ - ‘But I want to party…’
Text: ‘I want you back.’ - ‘3 words, 8 letters. Say it and I’m yours.’ - ‘I got food?’ - ‘…You know me so well…’
“Hey Taxi!” - “Hey Walker!”
All my life, I thought air was free. Until I bought a bag of chips.
That moment when you are telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins in.
PUSH. If that doesn’t work: PULL. If that doesn’t work: We’re closed.
When your parents leave you home alone: Time to teach the neighbors what good music is.
When I’m about to lose at anything: ‘DANG IT!! If I lose, I burn this house down!’
Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you’re a pirate.
1% battery left and you run like a ninja for your charger.
You just realized. Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler. Then silence is suspicious.
Oh, you were born in 1999? Please tell me how you miss the 90s!
Teacher: You think that’s funny! Me: Of course I do. That’s why I laughed.
Love is in the air? Wrong. Nitrogen, oxygen, and carbon dioxide are in the air.
I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
During school: What day is it? Friday, November 7th, 2012, 11:40 P.M. During Summer: What day is it? Probably June.
Parent’s logic: It’s 8 am on Saturday. I think I’ll vacuum.
when my name’s in a math problem* Class: *stares at me* Me: That’s right, fools. I bought sixty watermelons.
Attractive person: Hi. Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
at the end of the exam* Teacher: PUT YOUR PEN DOWN!! Me: Relax! It’s a pen, not a gun!
When I comfort my friends… Friends: *pokes with broom* There, there… Best friends: *slaps them* PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!
Admit it. We’ve all tried keeping a diary and failed.
Disagreeing with someone just to TICK THEM OFF!!!
When you look up song lyrics and realize you’ve been singing it wrong the whole time.
It’s so cute when you talk to someone a lot and you notice your phrases slowly slipping into their vocabulary.
You said it was a long story but you told me and it took ten seconds.
Ghost hunter: Are you trying to communicate with us? *door creaks* Ghost Hunter: So your name is William.
When someone borrows my computer and I forgot to erase the browser history: Good Lord, I think I’m going to pass out.
When people criticize your obsession with fictional characters: We shall have a magnificent tea party and you’re not invited.
Before my shower: I don’t want to get in. In my shower: I don’t want to get out.
Dear mosquitoes, first of all… HOW DARE YOU!!!?
My first thought when my alarm clock goes off: *in demonic voice* WHO DARE DISTURBS MY SLUMBER!!??
That moment when you’re eating cereal and the last four pieces are like: Come catch me, fool!
Dear “cool people”, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Sincerely, “Nerds”
Me? Normal? HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT?!?!?
7 extra minutes of sleep in the morning seriously does matter…
If my alarm is set to six and you wake me up at five-fifty-eight: PREPARE. TO. DIE.
“You look pretty today.” - “DID I LOOK UGLY YESTERDAY??!?!”
If the camera lens is a circle then why are the pictures square?
When you’re showing your friend a video on YouTube and you’re constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it.
“Can I go to the bathroom?” - “What for?” - “TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS!! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?”
When you were a kid playing tag and you saw the person that was it come up behind your friend and you were like: RUN, FOOL, RUUUNNNNN!!!!
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring. No, I do not care.
Flirting: Regular people: What’s up, cutie? Me: So… You like cheese?
When someone calls your best friend their best friend: Excuse me, who are you?
“This is not an assignment you can do the night before.” Challenge accepted.
Fool, I will DJ at your funeral if you keep that up.
When I grow up, I’m going to put a store by Forever 21 and call it Finally 22.
“We’re going to stay up all night!” - “HECK YEAH!!” *two hours later* “Dude, I’m tired.”
When you’re playing hide and seek and they’re about to find you.
When illegally downloaded music is low quality: This isn’t what I didn’t pay for!!
I have never seen a yellow duck in my entire life.
That feeling of EPICNESS when you draw a wicked straight line without a ruler.
I have so many things to do… I’ll take a nap.
Student: Can I use the bathroom? Teacher: You should’ve gone during the break. Student: I’m sorry but I don’t have a pee schedule.
Giving your best friend “the look” when the teacher says “ok, pick a partner.”
When you predict something and it actually happens.
I want a cute, long relationship where everyone’s like “Dang, they’re still together?”
How to screw up a knock-knock joke: COME IN!!!
Next time a stranger talks to me alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”
Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.
When my friend says “I don’t think I can eat all of this”: I think I may be of service.
You’re one year older than me. Don’t act like I’m five.
School is killing us. Textbooks are made from paper. Paper is made of trees. Trees give us oxygen. We need oxygen. Therefore, school is killing us.
When you introduce someone to a show and they tell you their favorite character is someone you know is going to die.
“So, tell me about yourself.” What do I say?! WHO AM I?!?!
Dear radio, DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY A SONG I LIKE WHEN I GET TO MY DESTINATION?!
mom yells your name* You: Yes?!?! *silence* You: YES?!?! *silence* You: *groans and gets up to see what she wants*
Me every five minutes in a movie: This is my favorite part!
Today’s kids will never know the feeling of slamming a phone shut after an argument. Now all you can do is poke the screen in an angry rage.
I automatically start swinging my feet like a little kid when I sit in a chair that’s too tall for me.
When I close my eyes for five minutes and wake up two hours later…
Buy a ship, name it relation. There, you have a relationship.
That moment when the package says “easy open” and you end up using scissors, a knife, a hammer, a gun, and a light saber to open it.
When I fill out applications, I always write ‘911’ for my emergency contact.
Brace yourself… The teacher picked a slow reader.
First month of school: Look and dress nice. Rest of the year: Rockin’ the homeless look.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so ugly!” Yes, that’s why you have 197 photos of yourself in an album named ‘Me’.
When someone says “expect the unexpected”, slap them and say “you didn’t expect that, did you?”
I don’t know why you’re complaining about your appearance. Your personality is even worse.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross road without having their motives questioned.
Women are like volcanoes. Both stay calm for extended periods of time before exploding and killing everything in their path. Then they’re calm again.
I almost showed up at work today with a positive attitude but then sarcasm stepped in and saved the day.
Thanks for calling to tell me you just sent me an email.
Don’t like me? Cool, I don’t wake up every day to impress you.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Thanks so much for that update about your super busy life. Nobody has ever gone to work, the gym, and made dinner all in one day. How do you do it?
I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that you and I can be best friends!
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say… “Hey look! That one’s shaped like an idiot!”
When your ex says “You’ll never find anyone like me.” reply with “That’s the point.”
My headphones are in. Stop talking to me.
I’m allergic to stupidity so I break out in sarcasm.
Zombies are looking for brains. Don’t worry. You’re safe.
Good morning, world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has just arrived!
Oh, you have swag? I bet that looks good on your resume!
I’m not insulting you! I’m describing you!
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all the corners of the world. Then he made the earth round… And laughed and laughed and laughed…
One does not simply brush off glitter.
Why are you late? I don’t want to hear your excuses.
I noticed you fast forward your DVR up to five speed. I, too, like to live dangerously.
Just learned to tie my shoe. Now I have to do it myself the rest of my life.
Volleyball is just a really intense version of ‘don’t let the balloon touch the floor’.
Do I have a date for Valentine’s day? Yes. February 14th.
Why doesn’t someone invent a clear toaster? So you can see how toasted your toast is while it’s toasting.
Dear Vegetarians, if you’re trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?
“I’ll have Coke please.” - “Is Pepsi ok?” - “Is Monopoly money ok?!?!”
Maybe tailgating this car will make the guy three cars ahead go faster.
I don’t always make sense but when I do, I don’t.
In kindergarten, anyone with the sixty-four color pack with the sharpener ran the class!!
“One day, you’ll be happy you could go to school.” - “But it is not this day!”
I went on Google earth today! Whose car was that in your driveway June 6th, 2008?
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Dear Millionaires, if you don’t have a bookcase that spins into another room, give me your money. You’re spending it wrong.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. …where you will be forced to drift aimlessly farther into the vast, empty abyss of space until a lack of food, water, and oxygen causes you to succumb to death’s cold embrace. Sweet dreams, kiddo.
I don’t always say something stupid. But when I do, I keep talking to make it worse.
That moment when you find extra fries in the bottom of the bag.
When a friend says they’re not hungry at McDonalds but then asks you for some fries and you’re like: You get NOTHING!!
Random Text: ‘Who are you? Someone changed all my contact names.’ - ‘What did they change my name to?’ - ‘Batman.’ - ‘DON’T CHANGE IT BACK!!’ - ‘But who the freak are you?' - ‘I’m Batman! NA NANANANA NA!!’
I was expelled from school on pajama day… Not my fault I sleep naked.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write it down. I’ll remember it.”
MATH: Mental Abuse To Humans
I hate when websites are like “Are you human?” No, I’m a vacuum.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. If the balloon is about to hit the floor, you dive for it, fool.
We all have that one friend… 1) That acts like they haven’t seen you in forever every time you see them. 2) That acts innocent, but isn’t. 3) Who brings up a mistake you did years ago. 4) Who shouldn’t be allowed to cross the street on their own.
Dear Girls, if a guy pauses his video game to text you back, marry him.
Every kid today wants to be Batman, Superman, or Spiderman. Personally, I blame the parents. If parents were better at parenting, kids wouldn’t want to be orphans.
Superman: Maybe I could move the earth out of the way. Batman: If I had a week, I couldn’t list all the reasons why that wouldn’t work.
Text: ‘Hey, what would you do if I broke up with you right now?’ - ‘I’d go back to my ex.’ - ‘THAT’S IT!! WE’RE DONE!! Shows you care more about her than me! Looks like I wasted my time!’ - ‘Hey… Want to go back out?’ - ‘I thought you said you’d go back to your ex…?’ - ‘You are my ex…’
You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.
People say you can’t live without love… Well I think oxygen is more important.
Naptime: 3 years old: I DON’T WANNA!!! College: Praise the Lord.
Teacher: Would you like to share that with the class? Student: Obviously not, that’s why I whispered it.
I’m so full. But I’m so hungry.
Flynn Rider: The only Disney character to ever question why people sing randomly.
ETC. End of Thinking Capacity.
Laughing so hard, no noise coming out, so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.
If someone points at you, laughs, and then calls you a loser in front of everyone, here’s what you say: “I’m sorry, but you’ve mistaken me for your mirror.”
You: Hey, remember that time when… *mom walks in* You: I’ll tell you later.
Exams: To your friends: I AM GOING TO FAIL!!! To your parents: It was easy.
Google Search Genius: What would happen if I hire two private investigators to follow each other?
Friends are like trampolines. I’ve always wanted a trampoline.
High school looks so much cooler on TV.
That ‘kill me’ moment when you think you’re done with the dishes and you turn around and there are more pots.
‘Now that the spider bit me, am I going to turn into Spiderman?’ ‘No, you are going to die.’
Thinking someone is waving at you and you wave back like a loser.
When a song comes on and you instantly think you’re a drummer.
When someone insults you but you don’t have a witty comeback: You smell funny.
When someone takes so long during their presentation that you don’t have to do yours.
Me watching a funny movie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Mom watching the same movie: *silent*
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
When someone erases the board while you’re taking notes.
Dude, chill. It’s P.E. Not the Olympics.
When you lose track of how long it was when you got on FanFiction: It was night and now it is day!!
When you give someone advice and they don’t listen and everything you predicted that would happen actually does.
When your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they were blessed with.
“I LOVE THIS SONG!!!” meaning I’m going to play it over and over until it gets annoying.
When I post something that gets 0 notes: Are you not entertained?!
“What time is it?” - “There’s a clock right there.” - “Did I ask you where the clock was?”
When someone asks if they can have some of your food: *licks it* …still want some?
You never really know someone until you play Uno and the fool hits you with a plus four card.
That moment when you wake up at 3 a.m. and you’re like: What the freak happened to my pillow?
There are three levels of pain. 1) Pain. 2) Excruciating pain. 3) Stepping on a Lego
I can’t stand when people say a baby’s age after a year. The parents is like “Oh yeah, he’s 98 months.” I’m like: “Really, fool, really?”
Admit it, at some point you tried to see if you have superpowers.
That sad moment when you lose a chip in the dip, so you send in a recon chip and that one breaks too.
At least once in your life, you’ve tried to drink out of your bowl like a dog.
When you’re doing an essay late at night: *passes out and falls off chair*
When a teacher grades your paper and writes a note in cursive: What does that say?!?
Do you do marathons? - Yes, all the time, which show?
When my pet runs away when I’m trying to pet them: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?!?!
When someone catches you in a lie: *knocks something over and runs away*
Giving gum to a friend is like a drug deal. You didn’t hear anything, see anything, and you didn’t get it from me.
Me: “Should I get in trouble for something I didn’t do?” Teacher: “No.” Me: “Good, because I didn’t do my homework.”
“WHO THE FREAK TOOK MY…oh…Here it is…”
I don’t have bad handwriting. I have my own font.
Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?
You know you made a good pun when everyone gets ticked off.
When the substitute teacher calls out your name and pronounces it wrong: That’s not my name!!
Hand sanitizer: Helping you discover cuts you never knew you had.
Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.
When a boy gets jealous, it’s kinda cute. But when a girl gets jealous, World War III is about to start.
That awkward moment when your crush asks who your crush is.
That awkward moment when you’re talking about someone and then they show up.
Doing things because it says not to.
When you’re thinking to yourself and laugh because you’re just so funny.
When your friends make fun of you: HAHAHAHAHA, SHUT UP!!!
When you get that random chill for no reason: *spasm*
If I was a teacher, I would find out who likes who and then make sure they’re always paired up.
“Hey, remember when you had a crush on-” - “SHUT UUUPPPPP!!!!”
When someone tries to make a move on your crush: AW HECK NO!!!!
When your crush walks into the room and you look at your friend and are like: “I’ll kill you.”
When your crush says hi to you: *hyperventilates*
Crush: “Hey.” You: *retard mode, activated*
Thinking that if you lean side to side with your controller, it will help you turn.
When I introduce my friend to a band I like and they tell me they like them: *starts blubbering*
When I try being smooth in front of my crush: *trip*
When the person you like calls or texts you unexpectedly: *starts dancing*
Friends won’t let you be crazy…alone.
That face you make when you’re singing your favorite part of the song…
When I’m hungry and someone asks me for some of my food: I ain’t givin’ you nothing!
When your friend finally understands a joke: *claps sarcastically*
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
That moment when you get a better grade than expected.
When you’re on the phone and you start doing random things.
When you were a kid and you rushed to the TV for your favorite show.
Your face when you see your friend with their crush.
You call it “road rage”. I call it “aggressively maneuvering around morons that don’t know how to frikkin drive”.
I like food and sleep. If I give you my food or text you all night, you’re special to me.
Dude, if you look in the mirror with your eyes shut, you can see what you look like when you’re asleep.
The first to finish the test at school: ‘Oh my gosh! He knows everything!’ At college: ‘Haha! He knows nothing!’
Teacher: Now just write these notes while I stand in front of it. “I’m not going to teach this. You’ll learn it next year.” Next year: “I’m going to skip this. You should remember it from last year.”
That moment when you realize you did have homework.
Children must always wear a seatbelt. Except if you put 50 of them in one vehicle.
When I say I miss school, I mean I miss my friends and the fun. Not the school.
I had class at 8 a.m. in high school all the time. I can do it in college. In college: I have never been so wrong in my life.
Paragraphs should be five to eight sentences long. Five sentences it is.
‘Why do I hear people talking?’ - ‘Maybe because you have ears!’
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark who throws up people that have to open a beach.
Rule of Math: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.
Dear School, I miss you, said no one ever.
Beep, beep, beep. Here’s that hot bowl with cold food you wanted.
Teacher: Where is your math homework? You: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
‘You must read the book. You can’t watch the movie. No one has ever fooled me.’ - ‘Challenge accepted.’
Brace yourself. Homework is coming.
One does not simply use paint without putting on an apron.
Thinking about how teachers said in elementary school learning cursive writing was important and that we would use it our entire lives: YOU LIAR!!!!
When my teacher wishes me good luck before a test: Thanks, Satan.
‘Why are you talking in the middle of my class?’ - ‘Why are you teaching in the middle of my conversation?’
Be prepared! Parent teacher conferences are upon us!
That moment when you walk into a spider web and automatically turn into a karate master.
Text: ‘Hey My Lady, it’s been three years since we were together! That’s really long! What should we do?’ - ‘Something really fun.’ - ‘That involves us under the sheets.’ - “WITH GLOWSTICKS!!!’ - ‘TRADING POKEMON TOYS!!!’ - ‘THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU!! MARRY ME!!’
I’m warning you. Don’t mess with me. I know Kung Fu, Karate, Judo, Tae Kwan Do, Jujitsu, and twenty-eight other dangerous words!
You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.
I may be wrong… But I doubt it.
My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend watering them.
That moment when you miss one step on the stairs and you think you’re going to die.
Some say the glass if half full, others say the glass is half empty. I say, “Are you going to drink that?”
Money talks… But all mine ever says is “goodbye.”
When people have a baby: Normal people: Congratulations! Me: They had… sex.
Love your enemies. It messes with their minds.
Irony (n.) Drawing trees on paper.
If your thighs touch, you are one step closer to becoming a mermaid.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
“Nervous?” - “A little bit…” - “Your first time?” - “No, I’ve been nervous before.” *face-palm*
yawn* Oh no... Keep talking... I always yawn when I'm interested.
When something goes wrong in life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!!" and move on.
Accidently laughing at something that's serious.
I am fluent in three languages... English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.
I was hoping for a battle of wits but you seem unarmed.
I've been single for awhile now and I have to say, it's going very well. Like... It's working out. I think I'm the one.
I saw that. -Karma
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss. -Steven Write
The long, sarcastic laugh you make before you say "no."
Homework. Because 7 hours of school wasn't enough.
"Breathe in the ocean." - "Last time I checked, that's called drowning."
A Sign: ‘This Door is Alarmed.’ A Sticky-Note: ‘What startled it?’
You appear to be lost in thought… I know it’s unfamiliar territory for you. Shall I send a search party?
Oh, so you drink Starbucks? How intellectually enlightened you must be…
I’m awkward when people compliment me… Person: “Oh, you’re hair looks nice.” Me: “Thanks, grew it myself…”
8 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, 6,000,000,000 people, and I’m single…
That fail moment when you pull your blankets up and accidently punch yourself in the face.
I want to be the reason you look down and smile at your phone. Then run into a pole.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like “I know, right?!”
A man came to my door and asked me if I could donate to the local swimming pool. And I came back with a glass of water.
I can’t take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.
My friend thinks he’s smart. He said the only food that can make you cry is an onion. So I threw a coconut at his face.
BACON. ...Admit it. For a minute there, all your problems went away.
“Hey, I had a dream about you.” - “Aww, really?” - “Yeah, you died.”
In bed, it’s six AM. You close your eyes for five minutes and it’s seven forty-one. At work, it’s one thirty. You close your eyes for five minutes and it’s one thirty-one.
When a woman says “what?”, it’s not cause she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
If women could read minds, every second a man would get slapped.
I meant to behave but there were too many other options.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me want to cry.
Sometimes I listen to stranger’s conversations and mentally give my opinion.
“Username or password incorrect.” Well at least tell me which one.
“Don’t forget, you are what you eat.” - “I need to eat a skinny person.”
I’m a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore, I am Iron Man.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence.
Watching a horror movie with friends: “It’s so fake!” - “I know!” Watching a horror movie alone: “It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real…”
“Don’t slice the pizza! My diet says I can only have one piece!”
“Dad, I’m hungry.” - “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad!” - “Dad, I’m serious!” - “No, you’re Hungry.” - “You’re joking.” - “No, I’m Dad!”
If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl’s drinks.
Person: Let me show this thing real quick! *two hours later* Me: Is it almost over? Person: Just a second! Really!
“And there was a white Christmas all across the world…” - “Fool, do you know anything about geography?”
"This is the best homework I ever did! I put a lot of effort in it and I'm positive it's all right!" *one week later* "What do you mean 99% of it was wrong?!"
Me: OH MY GOSH, I FOUND THE BEST THEME FOR A FANFIC!!!!!!!! Let me search for fics!! Fanfic: HIATUS. Fanfic: PUT FOR ADOPTION. Fanfic: I GIVE UP ON THIS ONE. Fanfic: HIATUS *SINCE 1997* Fanfic: DISCONTINUED. Fanfic: ADOPTION. Fanfic: I NEED A PLOT!!! *HAVEN'T UPDATED IN 6 YEARS* Fanfic: HIATUS UNTIL MY LIFE GETS BETTER *HAVEN'T UPDATED IN 9 YEARS* Me: *cries* Wait! There's one that is still updating!! Fanfic: Me sorie but inglish is no first language, so vere wil be lot of wrongs!!Not flames plz! But I want critic's!!! Me: ... ok. *reads* ... How did you even got those two words confused they are nothing alike... Yeah, that one got me all the time when I started learning... This is kinda out of character but ok... Is this a flashback? I mean it's kinda- yeah it is a flashback badly started, fine... An OC, *sigh* ok it's minor... No. NO. NO PLEASE DON’T MAKE YOUR OC A MARY SUE NONONON- freak. I give up.
What would happen if Pinocchio said "My nose will grow right now"?
The next sentence is true. The previous sentence is false.
If everything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
Nobody goes to that restaurant because it is too crowded.
If you didn't get this message, call me.
Drowning in the fountain of eternal life
What is better, eternal bliss or a slice of bread? What is better than eternal bliss? Nothing. But a slice of bread is better than nothing. So a slice of bread is better than eternal bliss.
Your mission is not to accept this mission. Do you accept?
A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother.
Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?
True irony is being run over by the ambulance you called.
Person A: I'm vegetarian. Person B: Oh? Is that because you like animals? Person A: Nah, it's because I hate vegetation.
Me watching adult, serious movie: That villain is unrealistic and idiotic, nobody would do what he did for those reasons. Me watching kid’s movie: *crying from feels because kid’s movie has many feels* The villain was great if a bit moronic.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
If at first you don't succeed, try something easier.
It's never too late to go wrong.
One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Personal experience makes a believer out of anyone; that explains the hordes of evolution deniers.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the 'Take a penny, leave a penny' tray, you cheap marshmallow!
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE. You little rebel, I like the way you think. *wink*
"May your life be as awesome as you pretend it to be on facebook."
You want me to watch my mouth? HOW?! Take my eyeballs and turn them around?!?!
I cared for a second. Then I got distracted by my mind saying how much time I was wasting caring for such uselessness.
People tell me there is plenty of fish in the sea. Well that's nice and all but I'm human… I don't date fish.
WARNING: TO AVOID INJURY; DO NOT tell me how to do my frikkin job!
Person: Hey, you're blocking the view! Me: I AM the view. *wink wonk*
The world is a stage but the play is badly cast.
When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex. Naturally you want to look your best, and God says 'No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!'
I don't like to think before I speak, I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
When you talk to someone who isn't sarcastic, it's like talking to a baby: you watch every word you're saying, but you can say whatever you want anyway because they probably won't get.
If you could read my mind you would be either traumatized or aroused, maybe both.
If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
I don't try to be sexy... Sexy tries to be me.
"If you fall, I'll be here" by The Floor
There are 7 trillion nerves on the human body and some people still are able to get every last one of them.
Crap happens. I mean… Look at your face.
Oh, you're his ex? Nice meeting you, I'm the upgrade.
While arguing, some people are like "I’M NOT YELLIN!"
Person A: *washing car* Person B: Hey, you washing your car? Person A: Nah, I'm watering it so it may grow into a bus.
Text message* Person A: Why aren't you answering? Person B: Sorry, I dropped my phone and I can't find it, I'll text you when I find it. Person A: Okay. Person A: Found it yet? Person B: No. Person A: Okay. Let me know when you do.
Person A: Are you single? Person B: No, I'm plural. Person A: I meant, are you free this Friday? Person B: No, I'm expensive.
They say love is more important than money... Have you tried to pay your bills with a hug?!
I had a really bad day... First my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver...
Person A: Do you like music? Person B: No, I'm the only person in the planet who doesn't like music.
Copy from one, it's plagiarism. Copy from two, it's research.
Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your butt tomorrow.
I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus.
We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it... Or something... Or someone...
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
Is this glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Some teenagers express their burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
You're young only once, but you can be immature the rest of your life.
He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears. Sadly, he overcame them.
Somewhere out there, there is a tree producing oxygen so you can breathe. You owe it an apology.
I Googled "Who frikkin cares?” My name didn't came up in the results.
My silence doesn't mean I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance rendered me speechless.
Everyone needs a smart-alec sarcastic friend. I'm so happy to be of service to you.
All I'm saying is one of us is right and the other one is you!
I may be fat but you're ugly. At least I can diet.
My new year's resolution was going to be that I would stop being sarcastic, but dang it! I'm no quitter.
I should be ashamed of some things I do. I'm not, but I should be.
If I could get a firm grip on reality... I would choke it.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again afterwards... It was probably worth it.
Does it count a saving some one’s life if you refrained from killing them?
Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.
I may love to shop but I'm not buying your crap.
Don’t let your mind wander... It’s too small to be let out on its own.
If we killed everybody that hates you, it wouldn't be murder... It’d be the apocalypse.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Person A: Where's the good in goodbyes? *crying* Person B: *sigh* Ok, let me explain it to you: GOOD bye. The GOOD is RIGHT BEFORE the bye.
Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.
When I read such bad, poorly written, and/or inaccurate fan fiction: LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY. THEN MAKING A SERIOUS FACE.
It always amaze me that sometimes people get so deformed after death that they can only be identified by their teeth. But there lies the question: If they didn't know who the person was, how did they know their dentist?
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. I was mostly disagreeing with you.
As long as there are tests... There will be prayers in school.
Don’t steal! The government doesn't like competition!
You text him. He doesn't text back. He was obviously so excited that you texted him that he fainted.
Some people just need a hug!!! Around the neck. With my hands.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you would be speechless, huh?
Before you decide to live by the "early bird gets the worm" policy, discover if you're the bird or the worm.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
There’s a good chance you don't like me. Although, to be fair, there is a bigger chance that I don't care.
SWAG: Something We All Get tired of hearing...
This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
When dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do people say "You’ve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
completely healthy person parking in handicapped parking space* Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I like you. People say I have no taste but I like you…
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Get your facts first. Then you can distort them as you please.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying.
Mirrors can't talk. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
If you are cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?
Dear Parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with seven men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without any clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out of the house at night to go to a party. You can’t blame us. We were taught to rebel at such a young age.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can I end my essay with “You feel me?”
I hate how chocolate immediately melts on your fingers. Like, am I really that hot?
When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying “I hid the body. Now what?”
I’m not crazy! I’m just special! …no wait…maybe I am crazy… One second. I have to talk to myself about this. Hold on.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
A B C D E F G. Gummy bears are chasing me. One is red. One is blue. One is chewing up my shoe. Now I'm running for my life. Cuz the red one's got a knife
If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
If you've never jumped from one couch to the other to avoid the lava you've never had a childhood.
I know the VOICES aren't real but they have some really great ideas!
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Evil is just live spelled backwards.
No. You're wrong so go sit in your wrongness and be wrong.
You're wrong for thinking I'm wrong so that makes you wrong twice.
I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
We didn’t lose...we just ran out of time.
Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.
Thank-you for visiting reality, come again... Now entering your life, welcome.
From now on I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me... some will be happy, others should be scard.
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault
If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
The world is full of crazy people. They made me their leader.
I hear voices in my head. But that’s alright. Most of them are pretty nice.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.
What is this “normal” you speak of? Stay away, I don’t want to catch your “normal”!
I’m not saying you’re stupid. I’m just implying it.
"Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!"
Everybody is a little weird and life is a little weird and when people find someone who's weirdness is compatible with their own they couple together and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
I didn't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I didn't trip. I was testing gravity... it still works.
I stay up late every night and realize it's a bad idea every morning.
Nothing is Impossible. The word itself says I'm possible.
I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
I'm not insensitive. I just don't care
Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid?
You say psycho like it's a bad thing...
Old enough to know better, young enough not to care.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried.
You see, I used to be normal. But then I learned to read. So, the normalness went right down the drain! My mom blames my first grade teacher.
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
"I'm not psycho...I just like psychotic things."
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize it.
Hey, why don't you go play in traffic?!
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.
I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming.
Heaven kicked me out. Hell was afraid I'll take over.
Just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm required to have a lot of common sense. Or any, for that matter...
I'm bored. Run for your sanity.
I didn't deny it! I just didn't admit it!
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
I'm the kind of girl who would fall flat on my face, get up, laugh my head off, and say "That was fun!”
Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
This is Bob. Bob likes sharp things. I suggest you run from Bob.
Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some primitive areas.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s it gonna do? Kill me?
I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
So what if we act like immature idiots? We’re having fun.
Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Life sucks and then you die.
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.
Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.
A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy?
Death is God’s way of saying “You’re fired.”
Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with a fork.
I’m sick of following my dreams, I’m just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.
Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go.
"First, nobody can be like you. You're insane. In fact, insane people even call you insane."
Why be difficult, when, with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
That, my children, is called a wall. But beware, the wall is solid. Yes be afraid! Be very afraid, for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before.
If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.
STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
I'm the same, just different.
If idiots could fly, a highway would be turned into a runway.
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead."
"A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
I’ve lost myself. I’ve gone to find myself. If I return before I get back, please tell me to wait there! P.S. I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a floppy.
"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"
"I'm too busy getting lost to read a map!"
"Women who behave rarely make history."
“You weren’t paying attention. Besides, the best way to win an argument is to knock the other person out.”
"I enjoy sarcasm. So should you."
Good luck seldom comes in pairs but bad things never walk alone.
English: A language that lurks in dark alleyways, beats up other languages, and rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary.
You make my face orifice crescents curl upwards at the ends. (What a delightfully revolting way for me to say smile, I should really stop saying that.)
I like villains because there's something so attractive about a committed person - they have a plan, an ideology, no matter how twisted. They're motivated.
You wouldn't last five minutes in my head.
Only the good die young. That is why immortality is reserved for the greatest of evils.
'I'm not short-tempered; I just have a quick reaction to bull-crap.'
I LOVE EVERYBODY. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.
Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.
I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.
Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water!
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Normal people scare me... But not as much as I scare them.
If I had any dignity, that would have been humiliating.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.
You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
If you can't get the skeletons out of your closet, you'd better teach them to dance.
I am the author of my life. Unfortunately, I'm writing in pen and I can't erase my mistakes...
I speak Sarcasm as a second language
Screw hugs. I’m going to tackle you when I see you.
Sell crazy somewhere else; we're all stocked up here.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
And I'm quoting, because I don't have the time or energy to make stuff up anymore.
The thing under my bed waiting to grab my ankle isn't real. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to keep my foot under the covers, it will never be able to grab my ankle.
Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you'll land among the stars, and if you fall, you'll land on top of the world. And if you fall off that, well, you're screwed.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 different ways it won't work.
Young enough to know you can, old enough to know you shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.
I'm not fluent in stupid so speak slowly to me.
"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16's going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; I was aiming for your face.
Everyone's immortal till they DIE.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like, “Hey! These are for you. Now watch them slowly die because I love you.”
Someone told me that I’m immature and that I need to grow up. Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
That awkward moment when you have to tell someone you’re being sarcastic.
Happy birthday! You know, in dog years, you’d already be dead.
You don’t have to like me. I’m not a facebook status.
Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Never do card tricks with your poker buddies.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
How can a two-pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.
We child-proofed our home three years ago… And they’re still getting in!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. “The whole time,” I told them.
Americans throw rice at weddings… Do Asians throw hamburgers?
I just got skylights put into my place. The people above me are furious.
If Fed Ex and UPS merged, would they be Fed Up?
If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him… Is he still wrong?
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
How come the time of day with the slowest traffic is called Rush Hour?
Whose cruel idea was it to have the word “lisp” with an ‘s’ in it?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; 100s Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Inside every senior citizen is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was “shut up.” –Joe Namath
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help Section is and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. –George Carlin
The first testicular guard “cup” was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
You know that indestructible black box they use on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of it?
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all the major food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather—peacefully, in my sleep. Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. –W.C. Fields
My friend has kleptomania but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
When someone says “penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, where does the extra penny go?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow hat electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you a wall’s paint is wet, you will touch it to be sure?
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. –Samuel Goldwyn
Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.s as “4’s”?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
You're ten and you have an iPad? When I was your age, I had an imagination.
The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will get in and clean them?
If you try to fail and succeed at it, which have you done?
If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How come we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to put luggage on wheels?
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
The problem with the gene pool? No lifeguard.
Why isn’t 11 pronounced “onety-one?”
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day! –Roseanne Barr
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
How come just one careless match can cause a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
What hair color do they put on the drivers’ licenses of bald men?
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Santa Claus had the right idea: visit people only once a year.
What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead?”
Talk is cheap. Except when Congress does it.
The Importance of Exercise: Exercise can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
What is Iraq’s national bird? Duck.
You know how when people see a litter box, they say “Oh, do you have a cat?” Just once, I want to say “No, it’s for the company.”
What’s white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely nothing.
You are depriving some village of its idiot.
Reading fanfiction: It's evil... It's diabolical... It's lemon scented!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Did you hear about the red ship and blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
Warning: dates in calendars are much closer than they appear.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
A man decided not to report his stolen credit card. The thief was spending a lot less than his wife.
What has orange hair, big feet, and comes from a test tube? Bozo the Clone.
If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy all her friends?
If the enemy is in range…so are you.
Isn’t it strange that you never hear of a psychic winning the lottery?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
How do they get deer to cross the road at that yellow sign?
The English Language: Here's a bunch of ways to remember proper grammar! But here's the list of every exception to these rules! Have fun memorizing it all.
Me: *smiles at fanfiction* Mom: A boy? Me: A fanfiction.
You're ten and you have an iPod, iPad, laptop, and Facebook. ...dude, when I was ten, I had Pokémon cards.
Nerd Problem: People think it's weird that you like to smell books.
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do hungry cows have ravenous appetites?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Chocolate: the other food group.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No? Good.
Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do practice?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
All generalizations are false…even this one.
If the police arrest a mine, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If love is blind, why is sexy lingerie so popular?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How come we get just two people to choose for the President of the US but 50 for Miss America?
How come Tarzan doesn’t have a beard?
Isn’t Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
We live a strange country… If you take off all your clothes and run down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will call the cops reporting: “There’s a naked person running around outside!”
Why do they call it Department of Interior when it’s in charge of everything outdoors?
Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to get it back.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Be more or less specific.
What’s another word for ‘synonym’?
IRS: we’ve got what it takes to take what you got.
Prepositions are words not to ever end a sentence with.
Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
How do you know when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
Friends may come and go but enemies tend to accumulate.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
We were born naked, wet, and hungry. Then it got worse.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will design a better idiot.
If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is a darn good shaving cream.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as warning to others.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Important letters with no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
I won’t rise to the occasion but I’ll slide over to it.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It IS as bad you think and they ARE out to get you.
If voting could change things, it’d be illegal.
Everyone lies…but it doesn’t matter because nobody listens.
Remember: in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
He always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
There’s always death and taxes. However, death doesn’t keep getting worse every year.
An optimist feels that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Brains cells come and brain cells go but fat cells are forever.
An expert is anyone from out of town.
It’s impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
The longer you stand in line, the greater the likelihood that you’re in the wrong line.
Opportunity always knocks when you’re in the shower.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
If you don’t care where you are, you ain’t lost.
Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing and tell your friends that you love them over and over again.
Without question, man’s greatest invention is beer. Oh, I great you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel doesn’t go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Berry
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use birth control.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Some drink at the Fountain of Knowledge. Others only gargle.
My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
What do you call a song sung in a car? A cartoon.
What bird lifts the most? A crane.
Dolphins are so smart that within 2 weeks of captivity, they’ve trained people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Some cause happiness wherever they go…others, whenever they go.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bull-crap. –Lars-Erik Nelson
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. –Marion Barry, former mayor
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend…if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. “Cannot possible attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.” –Winston Churchill, in response to Shaw.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx
A penny saved is a government oversight.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment.
Doing the job right gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing everyone opposing them.
Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Show him the internet and he won’t bother you for weeks.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” –Dave Berry
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Today’s status symbol is a cell phone clipped onto your belt. I can’t afford one, so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.
The fortune tellers’ annual dance: crystal ball.
The older you are, the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Life is an endless struggle, full of frustration and challenges. But eventually you will find a hair stylist you like.
Age is important only if you’re cheese or wine.
Teenagers: God’s punishment for having sex.
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
How about a fitness program for older folks called Pumping Rust?
You never hear someone say “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
If it’s true that we’re here to help others, then what are all the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Last night, I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest?
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out on the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren’t teaching you to swim.” –Paula Poundstone
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If it’s zero degrees out today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Can an atheist get insurance against Acts of God?
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, there’s shipping and handling.
A drunk is brought in front of a judge, who tells him, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Ok, let’s get started.”
My next house will have no kitchen…just vending machines and a large trash can.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.
Avoid arguments with the women in your household about leaving the seat up. Use the sink.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than letting her keep him.
If you want your spouse to listen…talk in your sleep.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Just as I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
There are three religious truths: 1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as their leader. 3) Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store or at Hooters.
For Sale: wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
Never test the depth of water with both feet.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
I married Miss Right. I didn’t know her first name was Always.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Keep your words soft and sweet. One day, you may have to eat them.
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. –Woody Allen
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
How do we know the Indians were first in America? They had reservations.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. –W.C. Fields.
She’s got a keen sense of rumor.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up; you don’t know where it’s been.”
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
I once wanted to become an atheist but soon gave up on the idea. They have no holidays.
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the bathroom equipment. The chief was quoted as saying “Unfortunately, we have nothing to go on.”
Bad decisions make good stories.
Nothing is worse than that moment, during an argument, when you realize you’re wrong.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
LOL has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “I don’t have anything else to say.”
Whenever someone says, “I’m not book smart but I’m street smart” what I hear is: “I’m not really smart but I’m imaginary smart.”
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text message.
Wicked chickens lay deviled eggs.
MapQuest really needs to start directions at #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Isn’t it strange that boxing rings are square?
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this item, ever.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like an optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
I keep some peoples’ numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.
For people who long for peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Don’t feel sad, don’t feel blue… Frankenstein was ugly too.
You are here: X.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. …the second half, by our children.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would anybody know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do tug boats push their barges?
Why do we sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when we’re already there?
Why is it called “after dark” when it’s after light?
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: “If you were my husband, I’d give you poisoned tea.” Churchill to Lady Astor: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
“Will you pass the salt?” – “How fast is it going?”
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
Born free…taxed to death.
If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect…why practice?
When in doubt, mumble.
When fan-fictions have ‘just read it, you’ll like it’ as their description: *stare* *scroll downwards*
God created man-THEN had a better idea!
I'm not as random as you think I- salad.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I’ll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Looking over old stories: "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!" *cries, cringes, and moans*
7 Reasons Not to Mess With Kids
Reason #1: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human: it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Reason #2: A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from the drawing, the girl replied "They will in a minute."
Reason #3: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five or six year old. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and the Mother, she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of the family) answered, "Though shall not kill."
Reason #4: One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Reason #5: The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer.' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
Reason #6: A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it and I would turn read in the face." The class said, "Yes." The teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Reason #7: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want - God is watching the apples!"
Stupidest Last Words In The History Of Mankind:
What does this button do?
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
I'll just put my head in it to make sure.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
Look Ma! No Hands!
Don't worry, it's not contagious.
Of course it's safe.
It can't get any worse...
There's only one way to find out!
FUN REFLECTIONS ON LIFE!
1. Never raise your hands to your kids.
2. I'm not into working out.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do you think illiterate people
6. I've always wanted to be somebody,
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning or soon thereafter, you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Happens every time).
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water or in the shower, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you do not want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
20. Murphy's Law: Anything bad that can happen will.
Check this out...
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
If you could read that put it in your profile
IF they had given Danny Phantom half the attention or money they give to the mutant retarded sponge, DP would be the top rated show. If you completely hate Nick for ending production on Danny Phantom, copy and paste this into your profile.
You Might Be An Author If...
31. You have more than one story going at a time.