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Joined 02-08-05, id: 755205, Profile Updated: 09-02-09
Author has written 8 stories for Artemis Fowl.

Update will be late, because of job training, helping people move in, a banquet, and other mandatory events I must attend. The chapter needs slight tweaking... Really sorry!

Currently: I am forcing myself to trawl through lists of the absolute worst fics ever written in the history of the fandom in order to properly research my parody. I have literally cried over some of them. If you feel masochistic and actually want to read some, find a list here.

I am trying to keep the chapters short, because they are painful to read and even worse to write. I kept feeling like the first chapter should be more interesting, more pathetic, or more exaggerated, or something, but then I realized the overall pointless-ness was one of the more dreadful things about it. It's like reading a textbook, only worse. God, writing this is so depressing. Also I realized that I didn't have any capitalization errors, quotation errors, etc, which I should have had. I just can't write that poorly! Ack. I will need a beta to get it down to the proper level of horror, I'm afraid. Isn't that ironic?

I have been gone for three years, I know. Most of the people I know are now gone, or in other fandoms. However, a long time ago I promised AgiVega a fic, and I have written about 2000 pages trying to get it right. I am still working on it, but I think it's finally coming together, now that my life has settled down some. Perhaps this fall. Currently I am getting adjusted to college and being eaten alive by my novel, so my fics are feeling a little neglected. I may return to Various Methods of Antagonization in the meantime. If I can think of something new. I had other chapters written, but they were deleted, along with the rest of my work, three years ago, unfortunately.

Even though I haven't answered reviews and PMs, I still get them, and I want to say thank you to the people who trawl through old fics and find me. I really appreciate it.

Also, if you would like to incorporate something from one of my stories, you have permission, but please reference my story at the beginning :D. Also, if you want, send me a note to say you wrote a store based off one of my ideas, and I'll try to read it.

You can find me on messenger as Feel free to add me. Please let me know who you are so I can keep track though. XD My LJ is a bit random, and I doubt I'm interesting enough that you'd care, but: not_da_chipmunk is my username. You won't get it unless you're an OA oldie. XD


If you wish to send my anonymous reviews, particularly on completed stories, and if you ask me a question, or make a request, PLEASE include an email address so that I can easily get back to you. It is very frustrating when I would really like to answer a question, or get to know someone, and I have no way to contact them. I enjoy talking very much, and it's difficult for me to listen to someone else ask questions that I know the answers to, but can't answer. So please, give me a way to contact you if you make anonymous reviews.


It's the heart afraid of waking,

That never learns to dance.

It's the heart afraid of breaking,

That never takes a chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,

Who cannot seem to give;

And the soul afraid on dyin',

That never learns to live.

- Betty Middler

Wisdom of Life - Quotable Quotes.

(stolen from Earthborne with official permission)

According to the latest figures, 43 percent of all statistics are utterly worthless.
Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
Tell the truth and run.
Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to.
Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense..
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
Generally, generalizations are wrong.
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye mad.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.
Life is like a box of chocolates - it's full of nuts.
The Truth is out there. So what are you doing here?
If you can't beat them, join them. Then take over.
Whatever you are, be a good one.
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
The difficulty is not so great as to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
Belief gets in the way of learning.
If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?
When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.
Enjoy every minute of life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years.
We don't live in the world of reality, we live in the world of how we percieve reality.
If God had intended Man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.
Education is important. School, however, is another matter.
When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months.
Cynics are made, not born.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Favorite Book: The whole Artemis Fowl series. They're the only books that have ever clicked with me.

However, I hated the fourth book. I was so angry with Colfer, I cried. He shouldn't of killed Julius, and Holly shouldn't have quit her job.

I also like Harry Potter, and someday I might write a fic, but I doubt it, because for some reason, I can't think of anything. Well, I thought of something, but I'm very busy with Artemis. Someday, my friends. And yes, I like Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars, though I haven't watched them for years.

Favorite Animated Character: Don't laugh you guys, it's TIGGER. He's so bouncy... :)

Favorite Author on FanFiction: AgiVega. Read her stories! She's a really good author, and she writes long chapters, with complicated plot and character. Besides being really nice.

The NUMBER ONE thing I HATE: People who were amazing writers, who suddenly disappear from fanfic for forever. That is so depressing. I mean, sure, a lot of people write, but some of them have a really special touch, and then... they just sort of disappear. Sometimes they leave stories unfinished... and... well, they never give us warning. Then, of course, we come across an idea, and we think: oh, that would be perfect for so-and-so! And then we remember that they're no longer on fanfic. Grrr! This is especially true since I came back and found all my old people cyber-dead. Its so depressing...

Pairings I like: (yes, I know, but I have to tell you anyway)

Artemis/Holly... I know it's technically impossible, but we can dream. If they're in the same Genus, they could technically probably even have children, you know.

Holly/Trouble... They are cute!

Juliet/Some mortal enemy... I think it's so sweet when people fall in love, even though they're supposed to hate each other. The Westside Story, for example. That made me cry. Hence, I wrote Hitting Hard, but now I realize it's rather juvenile. Maybe I will write a better one.

Julius/Vinyaya... I think they get along quite well, and it's always sweet when older people fall in love. Even if it's Julius. I think he's capable of it. Really.

Holly/Julius... It sounds odd, I know he's old, but if well done, it is cute. I promise.

Occasionally I run across a slash fic I appreciate for the quality of writing and good taste with which the pairing is made, however, I don't particularly ship any slash pairings.

P.S. In my opinion, The Spark is by far my best written long story, but Flame of the Gods is my favorite for Madame and action. Dead Dreams is the worst- written when I was younger, and when I first got the account I just wanted to post something. I suggest you read The Spark, or one of my oneshots. Various Methods of Antagonization is actually very funny. Laugh out loud funny. Or maybe I'm just sleep deprived.

I found the picture of Holly on deviantArt! It's the most gorgeous picture that was ever drawn of her, I swear! Holly

And... I found a picture that's exactly how I imagined Valerie! Except she's a little too slutty. But other than that. (from FG, after Zane dies) Valerie

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Seen In A Certain Light by Lli reviews
After an extraordinary event, can one return to an ordinary life? Holly, at least, is determined to try. And, needless to say, everyone pitches in to help - regardless of whether or not she wants them to.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Family/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 114,699 - Reviews: 480 - Favs: 400 - Follows: 124 - Updated: 9/8/2009 - Published: 5/7/2009 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
Reasons Why Hartemis Should Never Be Together by The Creatress reviews
Edited to be more clear. Why Artemis and Holly shouldn't be together... Oh my Fowl, has the Creatress jumped ship? Hell, NO! Humour/Parody/SATIRE! A/H Second chapter up, explaining how their kids would turn out...
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 5,234 - Reviews: 199 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 64 - Updated: 9/6/2009 - Published: 4/11/2009 - Artemis F., Holly S.
Within Temptation by WingedSilhouette reviews
The one person she thought she knew best turns out to be the one person she can’t trust. Everything she knew about him changed in the instant he said her name. Now he's going to keep her, hurt her, & if he gets the chance he might even kill her A/H Dark
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Angst/Horror - Chapters: 12 - Words: 42,043 - Reviews: 208 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 63 - Updated: 7/31/2009 - Published: 8/19/2008 - Holly S., Artemis F. - Complete
Misunderstanding by wolfraven80 reviews
AxH The infamous Artemis Fowl and the legendary Captain Holly Short: since he'd begun working at the LEP he'd always thought there was something unusual about them, but it was only when he got to see it with his own eyes that the pieces fell into place.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 15,109 - Reviews: 160 - Favs: 236 - Follows: 70 - Updated: 6/26/2009 - Published: 5/15/2009 - [Artemis F., Holly S.] - Complete
The Root and the Bud by Lli reviews
Delving back into the pre-Artemis days, my attempt at a history for Root and Vinyáya.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,069 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 3/23/2009 - Published: 12/7/2008 - Julius R. - Complete
The Dragonmasters by Naia reviews
AU. Harry Potter disappeared! While the Wizarding world sink into war, Harry is thrown in a whole new world and left to fend for himself. He will have to prove himself worthy of bonding to the long thought dead Magical Dragons and becoming a Dragonmaster.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 37 - Words: 378,054 - Reviews: 5388 - Favs: 5,452 - Follows: 3,248 - Updated: 8/7/2008 - Published: 9/22/2002 - Harry P.
The World Without Me by Eternal Cosmos reviews
Harry won the war against Voldemort but at a terrible price.Fawkes gives him another chance in a new world where he died as an infant and where Voldemort still lurks in the shadows...but not for long, because when one exists the other cannot survive. AU
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 33 - Words: 188,711 - Reviews: 5353 - Favs: 9,364 - Follows: 4,051 - Updated: 3/18/2008 - Published: 12/3/2004 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
Artemis Fowl and the Nine Kingdoms by aperfectattitude reviews
Set a few years after OD. Artemis decides to help Holly and Mulch with a new case, involving a deadly stolen weapon, taking them through a portal to a new world. AH
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 83,162 - Reviews: 266 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 1/29/2007 - Published: 9/22/2005 - Artemis F., Holly S.
The Forbidden Heir by AgiVega reviews
What can a magician do if her lover starts to neglect her for his filthy commoner wife? Jane Farrar is on the warpath, John and Kitty Mandrake, beware! AU
Bartimaeus Trilogy - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 126,951 - Reviews: 838 - Favs: 203 - Follows: 81 - Updated: 1/18/2007 - Published: 5/20/2006 - Complete
Blood Sonata by Stradivari reviews
A strange teaser. Stranger still, is its simplicity. Yet the most dangerous & exotic factor is far from clear...are far from singular. Post TLCspoilers. Nominated for Best Wip & Best OC. [Not the Squel!]
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Romance/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 4 - Words: 14,059 - Reviews: 252 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 11/14/2006 - Published: 1/17/2006 - Artemis F.
Crosswords by Sicy.Streetlight reviews
Your average piece of pointlessness, I guess. Writer's block, mostly. Rating for fluffish nonsense. Twoshot, concrit appreciated!
Artemis Fowl - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,172 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 10/31/2006 - Published: 5/30/2006 - Holly S., Artemis F. - Complete
Artemis Fowl: The Sword of God by AgiVega reviews
Sequel to the Aztec Incident. Despite having Holly at his side, Artemis is depressed, he cannot overcome the loss of his genius. Only time can heal him... in both senses of the word. AU
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Drama - Chapters: 23 - Words: 162,526 - Reviews: 1249 - Favs: 444 - Follows: 133 - Updated: 5/16/2006 - Published: 9/25/2005 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
A Game of Chess by Bowles reviews
There were once three champions: the mastermind, the rebel, and the spirit. Yet they didn't know that they, like all beings, were just pawns in the greatest game ever played. [Written before Book 3]
Bartimaeus Trilogy - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 106,837 - Reviews: 201 - Favs: 68 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 11/15/2005 - Published: 2/9/2005 - Complete
What He Wanted by Icecubey reviews
-Archived- - Hawksong - He wanted her. Badly. ZaneDanica
In The Forests of the Night - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,799 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 97 - Follows: 18 - Published: 4/26/2005 - Complete
Artemis Fowl: The Aztec Incident by AgiVega reviews
26-year-old Artemis Fowl gets the greatest surprise of his life when Commander Holly Short pays him a visit, pleading for his help. They need to team up to save their son, whose existence Artemis has been unaware of...
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 154,217 - Reviews: 1581 - Favs: 930 - Follows: 177 - Updated: 2/16/2005 - Published: 9/13/2004 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Please Stab My Eyes Out With Your Spork reviews
A series of short parodies based off all the God-awful fics I've read over the years. Read and laugh--or maybe just cry.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: K - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 770 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 6 - Published: 8/25/2009
Everything I Do reviews
Perhaps it was a gift that graced the dying, or perhaps his mind had known it all along, but Artemis suddenly understood. “I love you,” he said simply. oneshot and songfic
Artemis Fowl - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,470 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 4 - Published: 7/17/2009 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
Goodbyes reviews
It was a chaste kiss. It was a quiet kiss. It was an undemanding kiss, but it brought Holly's whole world tumbling down over her head. random oneshot AH
Artemis Fowl - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,045 - Reviews: 91 - Favs: 59 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 7/16/2009 - Published: 2/3/2006 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
Various Methods of Antagonization reviews
In which various people antagonize Julius in various way for various reasons with various degrees of success. Pretty funny, usually light, and I think everyone will enjoy it. Um, I forgot about the swearing from dearest Julius. I just changed the rating,
Artemis Fowl - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,391 - Reviews: 86 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 7/15/2006 - Published: 6/22/2006 - Julius R.
The Flame of the Gods reviews
Valerie killed him in one clean shot, and slipped away without setting off the alarm. That was excellence. REAL excellence. Madam Ko
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 33 - Words: 76,064 - Reviews: 346 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 6/11/2006 - Published: 10/29/2005 - Complete
The Spark reviews
It was growing the spark. Or so she thought. But Artemis had just betrayed her. And not just her. The People. And he was smiling. The whole time. NOTHING new. I was editing. Sorry.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 44,415 - Reviews: 193 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 2/24/2006 - Published: 8/29/2005 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
Hitting Hard reviews
Juliet, as always, was getting into trouble. First, she had missed her plane for the wrestling tour. Then, she had trapped herself on the roof of a very high building. Neither of these things were very good.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 49,628 - Reviews: 268 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 5/26/2005 - Published: 4/20/2005 - Juliet B. - Complete
Artemis Fowl: Dead Dreams reviews
This is Holly's one chance to make herself a commander. But Artemis shows up. And Turnball. And Arno Blunt. Now, she's fighting for a job, and her life.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 16,548 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 4/14/2005 - Published: 2/23/2005 - Complete