Name: Sessha-chan

Favourite Fandoms (to read): Harry Potter, BBC's Sherlock, Merlin, Doctor Who

Quotes:

The demon posed dramatically, “No, Kristy, you can't leave!”

He switched to a high squeeky voice, “But I must, Jack. See... I'm your sister!”

Back to his low dramatic voice, “Noooooooooooooooooo! How can this be!”

An ANBU lieutenant sidled up to his commander, “At this point sir, I think he's just mocking us.”

She looked over to where Kyuubi, in his usual Sasuke-ish from, was reading aloud from “Icha Icha Paradise: A New Beach of Love”, and then looked back at her lieutenant, “Thats a very insightful observation you make there.”

The lieutenant grinned like an excited puppy, “Thank you.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“Oh...”

There was a gap in conversation, then a sob could be heard from the crowd of sand-nin, and one of the chuunin started to get teary eyed, “I'm sorry... but I just can't help it... It's so sad. Jack and Kristy love each other, but they both know it can never be... This performance is so touching.”

An eyebrow started to twitch, I am commander of the ANBU, respected by all. I am not going to lose my cool. I am NOT going to lose my cool. I am not going to...

Kyuubi used the squeaky voice, “I don't care, Jack, I don't care! Even if we are siblings, I must have you!”

The commander's control almost snapped as the entire crowd of shinobi, including her personally trained ANBU, collectively gasped in shock, and she started to massage her temples slowly.

(Never Cut Twice by shadowmaster62)

"So...your truck is a giant alien robot, and so's the Porsche we've been driving around, which we've only been driving around because your truck told him to, since he's the leader of a whole bunch of alien robots that look like normal vehicles." Beth summarized once Alex was finished. They were both sitting on the ground now, with Optimus transformed and also sitting, though Cliffjumper evidently preferred to stand - right behind Alex, making her jump every time he made a noise.

"Pretty much." Alex replied.

"So what, are you really out having midnight chats with him whenever you supposedly go out to sleep in the cab?" Beth asked, giving her sister a weird look, and Alex saw the other question that Beth was not about to voice with Optimus sitting a few dozen feet away.

"No, I'm actually sleeping." Alex said, shaking her head at her sister and putting extra emphasis on the last word. Beth gave her another odd, suspicious look. Alex almost exclaimed in Gaelic that she was in no way having kinky robot sex with her truck, but she knew Optimus would be able to translate it. So she tried to glare away her sister's suspicions. She could enforce her claim later verbally.

(Sparks by vericus ciaris)

"You pushed Mr. Elric off of the Astronomy Tower?"

"I wanted to see if he'd land on his feet," Kyra replied, her face a perfect mask of innocence and her sea green eyes blinking occasionally to add to the apparent bewilderment. As if she didn't know throwing anything off of the Astronomy Tower—particularly a person!—was wrong!

"Miss Larkston, just because Mr. Elric is currently…part feline does not give you license to throw him off a tower in some poorly thought-out attempt to determine if cat myths apply to him. How did you get him to go along with it?"

"I didn't. We were leaving Divination and he was there and the idea just popped into my head! Seven out of ten times I act on thought; I wasn't planning to shove him off the tower, it just happened! Oh, and he does, by the way."

"Does what?"

"Land on his feet."

(Of Astonomy Towers and Chimeras by SakuraLetters)

They ran again and saw some people fighting the masked Death Eaters. The pink haired female immediately began to cast curses and attack. Yusuke looked at things dumbly before yelling at the Death Eaters, momentarily pausing the fighting.

“Hey! Fuck ups!” Everyone turned to look at him in surprise. One of the non-black robed people shook his head in exasperation, probably thinking Yusuke to be one of those teenagers who thinks they could be a hero. “Here, I got you a present.” Yusuke gave them a sweet smile before it turned very, very nasty.

Bam!

“Oops,” Yusuke muttered. The pink haired woman looked at him in horror.

“You blew some of their limbs off! They’re probably dead!”

“I didn’t mean to! Jeez! And it was only some of them!” Yusuke picked up an arm. “See?”

The woman turned a nasty shade of green.

Yusuke looked at what he was holding and then grimaced. He daintily held it and then dropped it. “That…was disgusting,” he said as if commenting on food.

(Killing Time by Akki no Tama)

"You are SO sleeping in Kurama's room!"

(Mission X by Kurome Shiretsu)

(The Adventures of Indiana Potter!)

The theme to Mission Impossible played softly in the background as a group of black clad ninja-wannabes creeped silently down the halls, stopping before a certain stone gargoyle.

"How do we get in?" Hermione whispered, turning to her cohorts.

Blaise pulled a large tome out of his bag and opened it. "It says here that the ancient Dumbledorians almost always used some type of sweet for their passwords. If we can just figure out which one the high priest of this particular sect fancied most, we should be able to enter the temple with little trouble."

"You're so brillant, Doctor Zabini!" Pansy squealed girlishly, hugging him around the shoulders. "With the treasure sure to be inside, I'll finally be able to pay off all of my late father's debts and restore my family's good name!"

"Why am I here again," Draco sneered from the back of the group, "when I could be sleeping?"

"Oh, but, Colonel Malfoy," Pansy explained quietly. "We need you and Major Nott to protect us should we run into any hostile forces or angry natives. Just as we need Doctor Longbottom to be our healer and Lord Potter to direct us in any areas of the occult we may encounter and to defeat the temple guardian."

"This is ridiculous-ow!" Draco was cut off by a smack on the back of the head from Pansy.

"Hush! You're ruining everything!"

Harry meanwhile had begun intoning gibberish while making nonsensical hand gestures at the statue. He then leaned forward, knocked on the gargoyle's head and whispered, "Open up, will you?" To which it sprang aside, revealing the spiral staircase beyond.

"Oh, Lord Potter!" Pansy cried dramatically, abandoning Blaise to hug him instead. "You're so wonderful! While your dabblings in the occult may have caused you to be shunned by your noble peers, it is these skills which aid us so grandly now!"

Hermione shushed the other girl before her loud theatrics could get them caught and Harry led them forth into Dumbledore's office, currently dubbed the Temple of Doom. The moment they set foot within, Fawkes exploded off his perch and began to dive bomb them in a mock attack.

"Oh!" Pansy exclaimed, slapping the back of her hand to her forehead and feigning faintness. Theo quickly caught her lest the 'delicate flower' hit the floor.

Raising his hands dramatically to the sky, Harry called out, "Oh magnificent guardian of the ancient Temple of Dumbledoria! Be at peace, for I am the high priest's brother's nephew's third-cousin once removed's grandson's step-daughter's decendant!"

Letting out a joyful string of phoenix song, Fawkes calmly landed on Harry's shoulder and began preening his hair.

This had the unfortunate side effect of waking the previously sleeping portraits.

"Who are you?" one asked, peering at the ragtag group of young students quizzically.

Dislodging Fawkes and causing him to return to his perch, Harry grinned, swept the hat off his head and bowed low. "I am Indiana Potter. This is my lovely sister, Hermione Croft. And these are my minions."

(The Curse of Fate by Mistress Nika)

To: The Devil

From: Your Disgruntled Minion

Subject: Oh how I hate you…

Lord of the Underworld,

I have no idea what you think this will accomplish. Perhaps you hate your brother. Perhaps you hate me. Perhaps it’s some sick medley of both. Honestly, I don’t care. I take my job very seriously but if you really think sending me into the woods with your bastard of a little brother and some insane lunatics who, from what I can see in the ‘attached flyer’, wear entirely too much green, is a responsible idea for the company, then so be it.

I will see you on Friday, Prince of Darkness.

Naruto Uzumaki

Abused Minion, Uchiha Incorporated

Currently Burning in Hell (Wish you were here.)

(The Demilitarized Zone by michelerene)

"So, kiddies, let's all introduce ourselves," Kakashi said, clapping his hands together and squinting his eyes into a broad smile. Sakura inched away from him, looking slightly disturbed.

"Let's see," Kakashi said, speaking slowly as if musing aloud. "Names, little description of yourselves and maybe your family, your likes, your hobbies, your dreams, that kind of thing." He waved a hand nonchalantly. "How about you go first, blondie?"

Naruto twitched slightly, but managed to keep himself acting almost professional. "Hideyoshi Naruto, I'm the adopted son of Hideyoshi Kenshin, who's a retired shinobi. I like ramen, gardening running. I also like hangin' out with my cousin, Yamanaka Ino, and prankin' people. My dream is to win a lifetime supply of ramen, which I will use to fill a swimming pool and have a massive ramen party with lots of attractive women."

Sakura promptly thumped him.

"Ow! Sakura-" Naruto protested, and she raised her fist threateningly.

"Do you have to make a mockery of everything, Naruto?" she demanded, furiously, and Naruto widened his eyes, his lower lip quivering.

"I don't criticise your dream, Sakura," he said. "You're just some- some hope-destroyer! I bet you don't even like ramen!"

(Two Steps Back by Mistress Nika)

A warm throb from their left arms informed Sirius, Remus and the rest of their team that it was time to go.

As the others disappeared, [Sirius] finished drawing a mustache on one Auror, shoved one's hand down another's pants, vanished three's clothing and then activated his portkey with a grin.

Only a Dark Mark drawn on the wall currently bore witness to the disturbing scene. It's cheerful eyes winked, it's serpent tongue stuck out in a permanent raspberry. Many would say, it was the most terrifying rendition of the Mark they had ever seen. Sirius just thought it was cute.

(The Curse of Fate by Mistress Nika)

“Oi! Naruto, get over here. You won’t believe what those two wackjobs did with your sleeping bag”

Naruto had one of the previously piled scrolls in his hand and was reading the first few lines, “Considering what I’ve got here, I would believe anything”

“It appears that your sleeping bag has been made into clothing, though how the two of them managed to pull it off in one night is beyond me”

“Well,” Naruto said, “count me as even more amazed because this scroll is, and I quote, ‘The Uchiha And Hoshigaki Complete Annotated Encyclopedia Of Everything Two Hormonally Charged Teenagers Might Do While Alone In The Forest With Just A Large Sword And Naruto’s Pack’”

“Creepy…”

“What’s really creepy is that they knew exactly what was in my pack. And I mean exactly, down to every last used gum wrapper”

Temari grabbed one of the other scrolls, “Apparently one wasn’t enough, because here’s TUAHCAEOETHCTMDWAITFWJALSANP volume two, and I’d bet that’s volume three on the ground there”

“They managed to fill three scrolls? They must be a lot more creative than we are, since all we really did was play chess and sleep”

(Never Cut Twice by shadowmaster62)

As soon as they were back in the hallway, Harry groaned. "Oh great, at this rate we'll never lose the House Cup."

"Most people wouldn't see this as a problem, Harry," Hermione told him, confused.

"But I do because it's the Suck-Up Cup, remember?" When Hermione shook her head, Harry continued, "Oh, right, you weren't there. Either way, I believe that the House Cup is a school-wide conspiracy to try and spawn as many teacher's pets as they can and encourage teacher's pet-like behavior in everyone. Snape and I are doing all we can, but we can't lose Gryffindor the House Cup alone!"

Hermione just stared at him. "You have problems."

(Oh God Not Again! by Sarah1281)

"So what are we going to do this summer, Sirius?" Harry asked once he met his guardian on the platform.

"The same thing we do every summer, Harry," Sirius replied with a grin.

"Try to take over the world?" Harry asked innocently.

(Oh God Not Again! by Sarah1281)

Toddler angst is quite lethal in large doses to others, as it is much more concentrated and confused than, say, teen angst, which is mostly drama.

(Naruto: The Black Mage by Kyrrlatur)

Sakura was deathly afraid of the boy's temper, not wanting to aggravate him more as the techniques he was lashing out with would totally ruin her hair! How was she supposed to seduce Sasuke-kun if her hair wasn't absolutely perfect? And how dare Naruto have such great natural hair!

(Naruto: The Black Mage by Kyrrlatur)

Indeed, Naruto was molding raw elements, and playing with them in an elaborate game of Toy Soldier. He had very detailed human golems created out of the ground, and they were all running in fear, with realistic shrieks of despair. He had created a clone of his Kyuubi doll out of fire, and had it barreling down upon the poor earth golems with a squeaky roar, tearing them apart. Lightning and wind were combined together with water to create small thunderclouds above the battleground, with realistic weather effects. Naruto had the real Kyuubi plush on his head, and he was cackling maniacally as the flame-Kyuubi destroyed the poor earth people.

(Naruto: The Black Mage by Kyrrlatur)

He pushed those thoughts away, pondering about purchasing a stainless steel spork weapon for his doll, as claws, tails, nails, and fangs will only get you so far, and that spork will get you further.

(Naruto: The Black Mage by Kyrrlatur)

"I came for the Potter Scythe," said Harry, not waiting for an answer he knew would never come.

"The Potter Scythe, no less! And what makes you think you need such a powerful tool to achieve your goal?" asked the old man, more serious than he let on.

"The Prophecy said so. 'Weapon of the ancestor to help the far offspring. To put the soul to rest with a swift kick in the ass.'"

"The prophecy said that?" asked the elder, eyebrows shooting up.

"It's my own interpretation, sir."

(RuneMaster by Tigerman)

"Badgers are awesome," Harry said, finally sitting in his seat, "all hail the badgers."

(Rebellion by TantraMegami)

"You know, you almost sound sane," Pansy said.

"But the fact that I've just chained myself up while we spoke negates that fact," Harry replied as he held up his hands.

(Rebellion by TantraMegami)

Professor Snape's 10 Rules for Teaching

1. Education through intimidation…it's the only way.

2. Children should be seen; not heard…anyone heard will receive detention.

3. Do not speak unless called upon…and don't bother to raise your hand for I shan't call upon you.

4. The teacher is always right…if you don't believe me, just ask me.

5. If you don't agree with the grade given…tough it's non-negotiable.

6. Criticisms will be graded and appropriate points deducted.

7. Unacceptable essays will be used for lining owl cages.

8. Extra credit to bring up your grade? You've got to be joking!

9. Botched potions will be fed to the brewer so be careful how you brew.

10. Any complaints should be directed to my superior...oh wait, I have no superior.

(You Broke Him, You Fix Him by Teacherbev)

"Go, join the cult of thoughtless automatons. Leave me here…alone…unloved… Plotting world domination." Harry smirked wickedly.

(Riding The Storm by Snow white Kitsune)

"What can I say, I like this planet, it grows on you…almost like a fungus really…Nevertheless, its got…Led Zepplin, Quidditch, those little biscuits with the icing sugar in them…and you have no idea how difficult it is to get a good cuppa away from England…Plus, if you destroy the universe, that kind of messes with my dastardly plans of universal domination and all that…And that's really not on the agenda mate." The Master all but bared his teeth. "This planet is mine, and you rea-lly don't want to push me. I don't share well."

(Riding The Storm by Snow white Kitsune)

"Things that Team Bambie are no longer allowed to do. One: release farm animals into the Department of Mysteries. Two: Or the Minister's office. Three: Or the Department for Magical Law Enforcement. Four: Inflatable animals are not allowed either. Five: You are no- You are not Sailor Moon?" Green eyes widened and for a moment, Croaker actually believed that Potter may have had nothing to do with this. Then tears started to well up in his eyes, "N-n-nooo, my dreams for the future! Gone! Shattered! Destroyed! My life no longer has meaning anymore!"

(Lightning on the Wave by Araceil)

(I kinda want this cloak...)

"Harry is as perfectly sane as I am," Luna declared dreamily, adjusting the hood of the glittery blue Death Eater cloak she was wearing.

(Dear Order by SilverWolf7007)

"I am of the belief that he had been behind all of the strange happenings here this summer," Severus said dryly.

"Yes, but you also believe Harry is behind overpriced potions ingredients, global warming, and that door," Remus said, gesturing to the basement door on the other side of the kitchen.

(Dear Order by SilverWolf7007)

Cheese sandwiches are good for the soul.

(Dear Order by SilverWolf7007)

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"We dared to go up against an Uzumaki." they said.

"And?" he asked.

"Uzumaki-sama was merciful. He only stripped us and robbed us." the one on the left said.

(Time MixUp by Lucillia)

Bright! Bright! Leaf! Bright! Tree! Bright! Oooh squirrel! Bright! Eeew spider! Bright! Pakkun! Pakkun! Pakkun! Kakashi-sensei! Huh, leash? Bright! Pretty bird! Owww! Acorns! Owww! Badger! Owww!

(Time MixUp by Lucillia)

"They had an Uzumaki with them." [Zabuza] replied.

"What is an Uzumaki?" Gato asked.

"If I'm considered to be a Devil, the Uzumaki would be considered to be some sort of hell god on a level I could never reach. At least I would let a person die with a modicum of dignity left. The Uzumaki never give you that chance." he answered, whimpering at the thought of being forced to go up against such a creature.

(Time MixUp by Lucillia)

When Naruto had first entered the Academy, the school medic who had some "Ideas" about the medicating of children was in charge of giving Naruto his medication. She didn't. Naruto had run off into the woods after some small furry animal and for over a month all efforts to capture him, including those made by the most experienced hunter nin had failed. It was entirely possible that he would never have been captured if Uchiha Itachi hadn't come up with the bright - or rather so insanely stupid and incredibly off the wall it actually worked - idea of soaking his clothing and armor in instant ramen. Itachi returned half a day later carrying a surprisingly calm Naruto who kept trying to eat his shirt when he wasn't gnawing on his chest plate.

(Time MixUp by Lucillia)

Now he knew why he'd liked Kabuto the last time, why he had been willing to trust the more experienced boy who was offering his help without questioning his motives and wondering about the little inconsistencies that were bothering him now. The bastard had soaked his clothes in ramen.

(Time MixUp by Lucillia)

I would never seduce an innocent, too much trouble and paper work.

(Something Less Ordinary by baby-kitsune9)

Technically it isn't stalking unless I've pitched a tent in your living room or something. Right now, this is considered to be good teaching.

(Something Less Ordinary by baby-kitsune9)

The girl was a Hufflepuff but Harry had decided that, within three days of knowing her, she was a secret Slytherin and plotting world domination with her other Slytherin!Hufflepuff cohorts with no one the wiser. She just smiled mischievously at him when he informed her of this and never did a damn thing to dissuade his belief. If Gryffindors were the Brave ones, Ravenclaw the Smart ones and Slytherins the Ambitious ones, that meant the Hufflepuffs were the Maniacal ones.

(Lacrimosa by Araceil)

"This would be so much easier if we could just ask Naruto about this Therapy Jutsu of his."

Temari raised an eyebrow at this. "Therapy Jutsu?"

"What?" Kankuro asked defensively. "It's fitting. He fights people and it rids them of their issues. Seriously, he should start charging or something…"

(Please Don't Eat Me! by Sarah1281)

"We didn't mean to," Ron quailed. "We'll make it up to you! Here, take Hermione," he pushed her in front of him. "Erm. Virgin sacrifice," he hissed in response to her outraged gasp.

(The Master Plan by StarryGazer)

Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'

(Macbeth by William Shakespeare)

FOR THE DISHES!

(The Calamity of the Sorceress by Kyrrlatur)

Itachi gave a sadistic smirk at Sasuke, who was crucified against a cross. His voice echoed around the empty clearing within the blood-red tinged world, and the scream of pure terror from Sasuke echoed up to the blood moon above.

"For the next 24 hours, you will be repeatedly assaulted by… your fan girls."

(The Calamity of the Sorceress by Kyrrlatur)

“Forgive us for intruding, ningen.” [Kurama] said politely, bowing. “You can get back to your war now.”

(Debts to be Paid by goth lolita)

"Screw gaining power," Sasuke told Naruto. "All I have to do to kill Itachi is sic my fangirls on him!"

(The Power of Fangirls by RuneWitchSakura)

"Well isn't that wonderful, I get to kill myself."

(Fighting Another War by Crimsonsnowflake)

(I can actually see this)

Zaraki-taicho - You are not one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. - Despite claims to the contrary, it is obvious that you are a very intelligent individual. It takes a great deal of time, planning and research to pull off your latest stunt. To scour Hueco Mundo for lesser Hollows that look like monsterous horses, all in very specific colors, must have taken quite a bit of patience. We are aware that there was a minor scuffle over who would have the red Hollow-horse, but find it very appropriate that Kusajishi-fukutaicho took on the role of War, even if she only wanted it because red is close to pink and it reminds her of the freshly spilt blood of her enemies. We hope that Madarame has recovered from his injuries, but feel we must point out that his white Hollow-horse was very red itself by the time he finished bleeding all over it. Also, ignoring the methods by which you enforce order among your division, we must thank you for making Ayasegawa wash the glitter off his black Hollow-horse, despite how "unattractive" and "plain" it may have been. Hanging the severed heads of Arrancar, expressions frozen in horror, from the horns of your pale Hollow-horse was also a very effective tactic for spreading terror throughout the ranks of the enemy. (We will refrain from asking why or where you keep the heads of your defeated enemies.) While Seireitei cannot officially condone your methods, I feel that it must be said: When the four of you leapt out of that Senkaimon on horseback, waving your Zanpakuto overhead, with the entirety of the Eleventh Division on your heels, all letting out battle cries the likes of which have not been heard since the dawn of time, we feel quite certain that Aizen shat himself. On behalf of all of Soul Society, I thank you.

(Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika)

"Sir," [Harry] said helplessly, "Does Hogwarts have Sex Ed classes, and please tell me you don't lead them."

"We draw straws," Snape said imperturbably. "Strangely enough, in my eleven years of teaching I have drawn the short straw only once. An unusual number of students present for those classes went on to end up in time-consuming and isolationist jobs."

(A Mistaken Sorting by Silver Pard)

The first time they received a howler Harry was stunned, but only for a moment. After a comment about "dark children corrupting our school" Harry pointed his wand at the yelling letter and incinerated it. Luna acted like it didn't exist. That became their standard method of dealing with the shouting letters - as soon as one attempted to activate, Harry would burn it. He soon was doing it soundlessly to the amazement of some of his friends. Luna just gave him a smile and said, "Congratulations." Stories comparing Harry's howler answer to Amelia Bones' method of smashing it with a plate then stabbing it with a fork abounded. Harry's method was considered more efficient, but the way the director of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement "killed" one when she was a student was still considered "definitive."

(Luna's Hubby by Meteoricshipyards)

"It's really astounding, sir; only you could make passionate, forbidden love sound like a business arrangement."

(Crimson and Gold by Obscureineurope)

It was times like this when she thoroughly enjoyed the simple things and wondered how any of her friends from the future would've been able to survive. Just think of what we could do with a bike or even a car! As dangerous as Mordor sounds I'm sure we could drive a pick up truck there and back, thought Kagome finding herself chuckling at the thought of Aragorn driving a large truck to Mordor with the rest of the group in the back of the trunk hollering and hooting for him to drive faster. In fact, Kagome could easily picture him running down orcs with the front of the truck.

(Beauty and the Tree by chika1345)

"Oh Harry. You know, it kinda ruins the point when Superman's alter-ego is Batman."

(Where in the World is Harry Potter by nonjon)

"HEATHEN!" He screamed between bites. "The power of ramen compels you!"

(Cutting the Deck by cyrusII)

There are many great truths in this world. What goes up must come down. When you play with fire, you're likely to get burned. And bringing marshmallows to a cremation or execution by burning is just plain rude… and kind of funny. Those are just a few such truths.

(Cutting the Deck by cyrusII)

"Hello," Ayda greeted them brightly. "We have come to take over the castle, imprison you all and control the information in- and outflow over the next days. Don't feel threatened, we'll only kill you if you're trying to cross us."

"Madame…" Dumbledore addressed the madness that was Ayda with, Snape had to admit, admirable courage and the clear wish to keep within the bounds of conventional manners.

Snape could have told him that such a thing would never ever work with Ayda.

"My name is nothing of your business, you meddlesome old fool," Ayda answered sweetly. "The only thing that should interest you is what you can do to keep us from levelling your school to the ground."

Dumbledore spluttered with indignation and opened his mouth to utter something highly unconstructive, probably along the lines of 'Don't you know who I am', or 'How dare you threaten me'.

Then, he closed his mouth again and re-thought the situation. They were hopelessly outnumbered, his mind seemed to tell him, and the castle was empty except for an unconscious young man in the hospital wing. And in a move worthy of any Slytherin, the Headmaster of Hogwarts decided to change tactics.

He lowered his hands. His eyes began to twinkle in the trademarked Dumbledore expression. He smiled.

"Whatever your grievances, madam," He said happily and offered a well known leather bag to the group at large.. "I am sure we can find a more peaceful and civilized way to address them. Lemon drop?"

It was the famous 'Let's-irritate-them-with-kindness'-move that had done good service with more Ministers of Magic than Snape cared to count. Fudge had fallen for it even years after he had gained office.

But Ayda wasn't Fudge.

She twinkled right back.

"Whatever my grievances, Headmaster," She said in a dead-on impression of Dumbledore. "I am sure I can address them best by pinning you to the outer wall of your castle and skinning you alive. Knife?" She asked in the exact same tone Dumbledore had used and opened her cloak to reveal lines and lines of glittering weapons.

Snape couldn't help himself. He snorted loudly.

(Had I Known by kayly silverstorm)

He looked just like a Hufflepuff after his first lesson in Potions.

(Had I Known by kayly silverstorm)

"Young man," lectured Voldemort, picking up his book and dusting off the cover, "I am not doing this for my edification. If you wish to become a strong leader, with a loyal following, you require a proper education."

"Why can't you just kill me like a normal villain?" asked Harry, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Corruption is far more evil than simple destruction. And I've got a benchmark survey coming up. I was only six points behind Sauron last time. Plus or minus three percent."

Harry threw up his hands. "Oh, well. I wouldn't want to hurt your standings in the Evil Association's yearly newsletter poll andohmygod, I sound like Snape."

"I do think you are spending too much time around him," said Voldemort, tapping his fingers lightly on the book. "He's not attempting to arrange a rescue for you, is he?"

"No," replied Harry flatly. "No one is coming to rescue me. Dumbledore thinks this is a good 'outreach' experience. Know thine enemy, and all that."

"Ouch," responded Voldemort, flinching a bit.

"Snape's not too pleased either. He tried to kill me in Potions the other day."

"Potions?" asked Voldemort with a disapproving look.

Harry sighed. "Okay, fine. Dark Potions. I've been meaning to ask you. Why is everything I learn around here "Dark" this and "Dark" that, when they're exactly what I'd be learning at Hogwarts? Dark Potions with Snape. Dark Charms with Bellatrix. Dark Care of Dark Magical Creatures with Macnair. Dark Baking with Lucius. The only thing that doesn't have "Dark" in it is Offense Against the Light Arts."

"Just trying to reinforce a pattern. Now, read!" said Voldemort, handing the book back to Harry. "I'm not training you to sit around and argue with me."

"I hate everything."

"That's the spirit!"

(So You've Decided to be Evil by Evadne)

“The Dark Lord says that I have the makings of a first class sycophant.”

(So You've Decided to be Evil by Evadne)

"Remember, Fawkes," Dumbledore said authoritatively, and the phoenix looked at him beadily. "You're on the Order's side. Truth, justice, and the side of the Light."

Fawkes turned to look at Harry.

"I know how to cook salmon ."

And the phoenix flew to Harry's shoulder, who cackled, swept his cloak around him evilly, and vanished in a blaze of fire with Fawkes.

(Adrift in a World by Miss Whiskers)

Let this be a warning to all Birds and Badgers; if you see a beautiful white Phoenix in the air, then diving, beware; avatar of the Light or not, she's a thieving cow when it comes to sausages and bacon.

(Harry Potter and the BoyWhoLived by Seel'vor)

The djinn liked children, and not in the "they taste good lightly toasted with eggs benedict and diced tomatoes" way that his father had preferred them.

(Harry Potter and the Host Club by Stalker of Stories)

[W]hen a girl reaches a certain age...every month she has a special time where she gets moody and in desperate need of chocolate...

(Not a Girl by Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley)

(Fear the Know-It-All Daughter of Professional Torturers! Fear Her!)

"So you know pain, Granger?" This time it was a member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team who spoke, the skepticism clear in his tone. "Try getting hit with a Bludger."

Hermione leaned forward. "My parents are dentists, Bradley. Do you know what that means?" Most of the purebloods shook their heads. "Muggles get holes in their teeth, and dentists fix them. Do you know how they fix them? First, they take a big, loooong needle," she held up her hand to show how long the needle was, "and they stick it into your gum," she demonstrated, "and they slooooooowly inject this medicine that stings like crazy. And then, they get out a machine that has a pointy bit that spins really really fast and makes a whiny noise like this –" Her impression was good enough that she had most of the table holding their ears in pain. "And then they use that to drill holes in your teeth." Now all of the purebloods were green. Even Jones was breathing shallowly and clinging to Percy's arm. The other Muggleborns were enjoying this immensely, and the Half-Bloods were, depending on their background, either amused or revolted.

"And this can go on for hours," Hermione continued chillingly. "And then they pack metal into the holes, and –"

"Oh, come now!" Percy broke out, a light sheen of perspiration over his face. "You're making this up!"

"No, she isn't!" A Muggleborn Gryffindor fourth year was all too happy to support Hermione's story. "Look – my folks didn't know I was a wizard until I was almost ten, and I'd gotten cavities fixed the Muggle way by then. See? 'Ere's one." He opened his mouth wide and pointed so that the fascinated and nauseated Purebloods could see his fillings.

"That's disgusting!" Flint said faintly.

Hermione's smirk nearly outdid Snape's. "And I'm not even talking about how Muggles straighten crooked teeth – they put metal bands in your mouth and make them them tighter and tighter so that your teeth are dragged into position, and it takes years and years." Now several of the purebloods had shoved away their plates and were holding their napkins to their lips.

"And both my parents do this for a living. Day after day, month after month, year after year. And they come home and tell me all about it. So don't try anything with me, Singh. Inflicting pain is in my blood."

"Minerva," Severus frowned, studying the students. "Does it appear to you that many of the students are regarding your Miss Granger with a sort of fascinated terror?"

McGonagall looked where he was. "Good gracious. I don't normally see expressions like that unless NEWTS or OWLS are being handed out. What on earth is going on over there?"

Before the meal was over, Hermione's reputation in the Wizarding world was made. Oh, she was still known as a good student, if a bit of a know-it-all, but word spread like wildfire around the school: Do Not Mess With Granger. Between having parents who were skilled torturers and her own demonstrated proclivity to break the wands of people who offended her, Granger was obviously not someone to irritate.

(Harry's New Home by kbinnz)

"I deal with Dark Creatures every day," Snape replied. "They are called first-years[.]"

(The Secret of Slytherin by Kirinin)

"So it wasn't intentional that they were brought back?"

"Not at all," Harry shrugged. "Just like I was to my parents, they were to me: a happy accident because we weren't careful."

"Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Would you honestly have believed me? Accidental necromancy I'm told is a hard sell."

Hollings shrugged. "Were it anyone else? No. But with you? Meh…" Augustus shrugged. "I've met your parents. You're a lot more powerful but every bit as fucked up as they were." His eyes widened. "They are."

"Thanks, Mr. Hollings," Harry said as a tear came to his eye. "That's the nicest thing an ignorant elitist bureaucrat has ever said to me."

(You Did What! by nonjon)

“What part of Evil in Evil Mastermind didn't you understand?”

(Harry Potter and the Evil Summer Vacation by Meteoricshipyards)

"Well Albus I did it," Moody yawned. "After eight hours I finally managed to figure out the message that Mr. Black encoded in his notes, can't say I have any idea what it means though."

"What are they?" Albus asked with a smile.

"Just a few numbers," Moody shrugged. "36-23-33."

"Now why would Black have taken the time to code the measurements to this month's 'Playwizard' centerfold?" Dumbledore mused aloud.

The Order froze and several members began pinching themselves nervously to check if they were in the land of dreams.

"Albus?" McGonagall.

"Um," Dumbledore chuckled nervously, "they have good articles?"

(Make a Wish by Rorschach's Blot)

Most things will die if you chop off their head, when in doubt try that.

(Make a Wish by Rorschach's Blot)

"Odd that a Lovegood would demand that someone stop talking in riddles," the shopkeeper said with a grin. "Especially in light of your family motto Si vos can't caecus lemma per scientia , baffle 'em per bovis excrement."

(The Hunt for Harry Potter by Rorschach's Blot)

"Hey Harry," Henchgirl said in delight. "Let me show you something."

"Make it quick," Harry said with a forced grin. "I'm going to Canada later today and I'd like to arrive while there's still a bit of light."

"Ok," Henchgirl agreed in a subdued tone. "Remember when I mentioned that I wanted to make my own drink company?"

"I think so," Harry said with a nod.

"Well I did it," Henchgirl said proudly. A wave of her arm conjured several glass bottles with colorful labels, "take a look, take a drink, and tell me what you think."

"Henchgirl's Yummy Citrus Soda," Harry read the first label. "Henchgirl's Yummy Cola, Henchgirl's Yummy Orange Drink, Henchgirl's Yummy Potassium Flavored Soda?" Harry said the last one with a raised eyebrow.

"That one's my favorite," Henchgirl said with a grin.

"Do any of these have a name that doesn't start with 'Henchgirl's Yummy?'" Harry asked with a smirk.

"That one," Henchgirl said, pointing to a black bottle with a skull and crossbones on the label.

"Mr. Black's Black Cola," Harry read aloud. "Warning, if you drink this you will die a horrifically painful death. Really, we mean it, only Mr. Black can drink this and not die. If you drink this, then it will take a few weeks to die in horrifically horrible agony . . . you can legally sell this?"

"It comes with one of these," Henchgirl handed a smaller white bottle over.

"Henchgirl's Yummy antidote," Harry read. "When mixed with Mr. Black's Black Cola it makes it taste yummy . . . and you won't die."

"Yup," Henchgirl agreed. "Neat huh?"

(The Hunt for Harry Potter by Rorschach's Blot)

It's a little known fact that larks are pathologically depressed, with a high suicide rate.

(Hinge of Fate by Ramos)

(Penguin Stew anyone?)

"Henchgirl and I found the perfect Island for sale," the Professor smiled. "Barren, desolate, covered with numerous enchantments that repel nearly anything that has anything to do with people."

"Large enough to build a very large fortress, but small enough to be easy defensible." Henchgirl added, "it's also unclaimed land so we won't be bothered by any of those silly regulations preventing us from 'breaking the laws of nature' or 'finding out things that mankind was not meant to know.'"

"And the best part is that it's near the Antartica, so there will always be plenty of delicious penguins to eat." The Professor finished with an excited smile.

(Make a Wish by Rorschach's Blot)

Diamonds are forever but so is a crippling injury.

(Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood by Rorschach's Blot)

"Hermione, you just fulfilled my wildest pastry-based fantasy."

(Eclairs by Flaignhan)

Ikebana should not end in tragedy.

(Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies by Mistress Nika)

(Can't Say Snape doesn't care about safety in the classroom)

“If anybody dies you will receive a deduction of 50 house points and the casket of your choice.”

(Harry Potter and the Slytherin Prince by slingit)

"Hey Hermione?" Ron called out, "what's the weather look like outside."

"Let me check the window," Hermione put down her book and glanced out. "Damn it Harry."

"What is it?" One of the students called out.

"It's raining bodies out there." Hermione noticed the incredulous looks, "really . . . Harry cast some sort of blasting charm on a group of death eaters."

(Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot)

"Lovegoods are allowed to do whatever they want so long as it doesn't hurt anyone important," Harry read. "What's this mean."

"It means that she can do anything she feels like doing that doesn't hurt anyone important like the Minister," the Auror said slowly. "You wouldn't believe how much easier things became after they enacted that law." He glanced down at the book. "Five hundred years ago."

"But . . . "

"And before you ask, no. It doesn't work to throw them into Azkaban."

"They like that," another Auror said with a horrified shudder.

"Best birthday party ever," Luna agreed.

"We lost half our dementors that year," the Auror continued with a haunted look in her eyes, "turns out dressing them in pink and forcing them to have a tea party destroys them. I can still hear the screams when I close my eyes to sleep at night."

(Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot)

"The Black Gang... I've heard of them. Aren't they the people that ride in the bilge and get the worst jobs possible?" Hermione asked.

"Yes and have no fear we already have three volunteers for the position."

Sinistra opened up a wardrobe exposing three Slytherin students, that Harry spent far too much time around in his opinion, bound and gagged.

"Is that legal?" Hermione asked, eyes wide.

"Legal only counts until you are five miles off the coast, dear. After that it's The Code of The Sea and The Code of The Sea states that anyone that tries to place monitoring charms in my shower has volunteered for the Black Gang."

(Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot)

"Hermione, if there's anything Hogwarts has taught me it's that Murphy was an optimist."

(Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot)

"Sorry for the wait, if you will all just . . . where did the rest of them go?"

"They're all out getting their teeth taken care of," Hermione replied.

"And just why are they doing that?"

"I pointed out how bad their oral hygiene was and passed out a few free coupons," Hermione explained, "good for a free cleaning and one filling or extraction."

"I wasn't aware that there were coupons for dental care?"

"Mum came up with them," Hermione said with a grin.

"Alright then . . . may I see one of these coupons of yours?"

"Sure," Hermione agreed.

"I notice that there isn't any mention of pain killer in this coupon?"

"Mum says that extra thick straps are cheaper and more efficient then pain killers," Hermione explained, "and dad says that this way they don't have to suffer through the hangover."

(Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot)

Hermione looked up from her book. "Did you know that the precursor British Dental Association formed in 1642 with the stated purpose of giving free dental care to prisoners after torture was outlawed in Britain?" she asked eagerly. "Isn't that wonderful how they transitioned from torture to free medical care in just a couple years?"

"Uh, yeah," Harry agreed with an odd look on his face. "Wonderful." He waited till he was sure his friend was immersed in her book before he turned to the struggling man he had securely duct taped to a sturdy chair. "You hear that?" Harry buzzed the dental drill in his hand a couple times, allowing his captive to hear the sound. "I'm not going to torture you, I'm going to give you free medical care."

(Agent O by Rorschch's Blot)

"I am going to have to have a word with Peeves about handing his dirty work over to my minions." Harry growled looking seriously pissed off.

(Abandon Ship by Semika)

Spock raised an eyebrow and cocked his head, antagonistically, before heading for the door. "Nash-veh ulef-vulkhansu. Tobeg t'du ra?" (I am only half-Vulcan. What's your excuse?)

(Five and One: Things Not To Say In Shi'Kahr by Penbrydd)

"I assure you, that by no means am I dead. Unless, of course, this school actually is hell, and I am doomed to an eternity with a throbbing migraine."

(Reading The Signs by goldencompass)

The best way to distract an enemy is to prance around yelling 'LOOK AT ME, I'M A TARGET.'

(100 Things You Know If You Watch Doctor Who by ZebellaCookie)

When the Master says 'Get out of the way', that loosely translates to 'I love you.'

(100 Things You Know If You Watch Doctor Who by ZebellaCookie)

They have T-shirts. 'I shared a flat with Sherlock Holmes and lived.'

(And of course, there's the one who was wearing 'I shared a flat with Sherlock Holmes and died' at his funeral. The two events were not directly correlated. His mother was just a bit... odd.)

(Ignotism by Silver Pard)

"Come on, can't lie around there all day", he called brightly, leaping lightly over Rory's tangled legs and marching towards the door. "We've got a dragon to save and a fair maiden to hunt!"

(A Lady in Waiting – Unexpurgated by Mistress of the Knight)

"Oh come on!" Ed protested. "Who robs libraries?" There was a long, telling pause. "Okay, but it was only once!"

(A Little Problem by RandomCheeses)

Harry had noted that the dementors started to keep their distance a bit after he'd begun offering to read their futures from the flutter of their tatty robes. Infact one of the dementors he hadn't seen since he'd speculatively begun attempting to read the pasts of the souls it had swallowed from the frost patterns which had formed on his cell bars. It was the only time he'd seen a nervous shuffle instead of an ominous drift.

(Demenomancy by Adari)

"But really, this is so cliché!" Hermione waved to her surroundings, continuing off Harry's lack of comprehension expressed by his wide eyes. "I mean, the bad-guys always go with 'dark and creepy' don't they." She shrugged.

"I take offence in that statement." Harry huffed, puffing out his cheeks slightly. "I never once had a 'dark and creepy' thing going."

Hermione merely shot him a glance.

Unimpressed.

" Okay, there may have been the once…twice...alright, numerous times!" Harry conceded, earning him a smile, which made him roll his eyes. "Women!"

(Riding The Storm by Snow white Kitsune)

Harry sighed. "Stop acting like a brat, Voldemort. You're only prolonging the inevitable. Remember our sixth pass when we decided to call a truce, not do anything, and you just walked away? Quirrell's body eventually rotted away over the summer while you were hiding out in the Room of Requirement, and you wound up having to spend all of second year sharing Myrtle's toilet while your diary-Horcrux and I decided our fates over a long series of Gobstones and strip poker."

(Ad Nauseam by Minnionette)

"You're so lucky, Neville," Ron said with a fearsome pout. "Mum and Dad would never let me bring a Death Eater into the house as a pet."

(All The Dementors of Azkaban by LifeWriter)

"Oh yes, it's all fun and games until someone gets mauled by a poodle."

(Browncoat, Green Eyes by nonjon)

"You know anything about engines?" Kaylee asked while glancing over at River still changing. "Besides how to fix them, of course."

"Oh sure," Harry nodded with certainty. "I can tell this little beauty is a six-point-eight-oh super-charged, reinforced, lean, mean transporting machine. Looks like your two doodads are power coupled to the nine-inch thingamajigs."

"The doodads?" Kaylee clarified with a smile.

"Sure, sure," Harry continued with a completely straight face. "Personally, I prefer a minimum of seven doohickeys to every five whatchamacallits, but we all have our little differences. Your jigger seems to be rattling the jobbie loose which could be real detrimental to your whatsis. If your whatsis blows, then the widget ain't far behind it."

"That is amazing," Kaylee agreed.

Harry shrugged. "It's a gift."

"You know," River jumped in. "If you don't mind swapping out a couple of poppycock, you can completely get rid of your widget, and just let the whatsis blow. Tighten the hogwash, get a bigger mularky, and this little baby will run on pure tommyrot. You just got to clean out your balderdash every once in a while. The flimflams will fire on their own, and the claptrap you can close to less than a point-two-five. The only drawback if that you will have to replace your tomfoolery with an overclocked jabberwocky about twice as often as if you just kept the widget. But I think it's a more than fair trade-off."

Harry grinned at River's one-upmanship and replied, "Nice skirt."

"I knew that blue would go with your eyes," Kaylee replied triumphantly looking her friend up and down.

(Browncoat, Green Eyes by nonjon)

"Not again! Will you stop suggesting that! I'm not arranging my life around being under 24 hour protection on Tuesdays!"

(Happy Place by MegKF)

"Nice stick you have there. Hello, I'm doctor Donna Noble, and I'm here to stop you from starting a society of human sacrifice, obscene rituals and filing system so illogical that it should be illegal. It's a pleasure to meet you. Now move along, bucko, before I shove that spear up where light doesn't shine, alright?"

(Doctor Donna by esama)

It was utterly absurd, the Game that Sherlock and Moriarty played. And, yes, it did deserve a capital letter. Even just for the sheer ludicrousness of the situation. Because the Game now had rules. Like little boys learning how to play Monopoly and half making up the rules as they went along. For example, for every person Moriarty directly killed (either himself or had one of his assassins do it) Sherlock got a 'safe player'. Someone that Moriarty wasn't allowed to kill, maim or torture.

He was still allowed to kidnap though. Which was rather fun, really. Or John thought so anyway. Because he, naturally, had been the first person Sherlock had 'saved'. And in retaliation for not thinking of an abduction clause to the rule, Moriarty had done exactly that. Which meant that Sherlock and John had both had a whale of a time for a full four hours. Sherlock because it was a brand new puzzle to solve without the threat of someone actually dying this time (and thus no police interference). John because it turned out that he was a better shot than every single one of Moriarty's henchmen participating in that particular scheme and had won himself £200 for his efforts.

(Thank Hell and High Water for Moriarty by TheDullYellowEye)

Moran smiles at him, eyes shining with truly terrifying cheer. "You know what? Fuck it. Those two can manage by themselves. We ever do the dance again, lets you and me have some real fun with each other."

"You're serious." He is, that's the hell of it. John's chair creaks under him as he shifts his weight, trying to get a handle on this conversation. "Really. Just...let's us hare off and try to kill each other while the mad geniuses we came in with burn themselves down along with London." He frowns, at that level of bemusement where he can't really help but find it all funny. "D'you think we can trust them together without adult supervision?"

(Chance Meetings by PrettyArbitrary)

"King of Snakes?" Xander asked as he appeared.

"Indeed, but this complicates matters." Remus frowned.

"Meh." Xander shrugged. "Let loose the mongeese of hell."

(Potter's Protector by mjmeyg)

"I'm probably the only person within a hundred miles of this castle who can read Sumerian. There was a message by his glass coffin." Xander sighed.

"What did it say?" Harry asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"'In case of emergency, break glass.'"

(Potter's Protector by mjmeyg)

"You're a priest?" Faith asked with a sniff as Giles still held her.

"Apparently being the Champion to a goddess makes me a holy man." [Xander] shrugged. Then he got a silly grin. "If the school ever gets invaded by vamps, pull the fire alarm, I blessed the sprinklers."

(The Champion by mjmeyg)

"So what you're saying," Arthur answered, struggling not to roll his eyes, "Is that a sorcerer, a good one, is trying to break into the throne room for the honor of fighting some of the most powerful, vilest magic users known to Camelot, to save the son of the king who has persecuted his people. And, once said king finds out about this good sorcerer saving us, he will burn him at the stake. And, and this sorcerer would have had to already been in the castle, which means he's probably been here for quite some time, in order to be here now to save us. Is that what you're saying? Even Merlin wouldn't be as stupid as that. Lancelot will agree with me."

(Crossing the Line by Ultra-Geek)

"Only you, Sherlock." [John] stated, [...] "Only you would insist on purchasing a specially made seven chamber revolver because 'a proper smiley face requires a nose.'"

(Watson's War by SylverSpyder)

Jack looked doubtful for a moment. He sighed. "Alright...we've got to do something. Teal'c, go see how those caterpillars feel about staff weapons."

(Dial It Up! by Kitiara Raistlin)