Author has written 3 stories for Harry Potter, Sky High, and Inuyasha.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch... Amen.
"If you're not Ken, don't expect me to be Barbie."
Can anyone recommend any good time travel fics *centering around Sakura* (and Kakashi?) in the Naruto fandom? I really want to read some but I can't really find many and I'm getting tired of searching fruitlessly... So I figured I'd just ask my lovely fellow fanfictioners! =)
Okay. So I've made some changes. Go read the newest chapters of my stories and you'll understand. But for those who like to know what they're getting into beforehand, I've decided to put both An Interesting New Year and Mystery up for adoption. Everything else you need to know is in the new chapter in both stories. Also: For the time being, and while I'm trying to get my head on straight, I've taken down Secrets Kept. I'm gonna write everything out first and then do regular updates. And I'm gonna fix it up. I now dislike it. It bothers me.
One more thing:
Things Going On With Me:
...Wow, haven't updated this thing in almost 3 years... Well, time flies, right? I've been super busy with school and work and just being lazy, to be perfectly honest. I may get around to posting something new if I get the inspiration. The stories I currently have will most likely be deleted soon just because looking at them makes me sad that I will never finish them, like I told myself I would when I started them. I had much more free time then. I plan on making some soon, though. I miss writing and I think I've improved a bit. Maybe y'all will let me know. I've recently gotten into some new fandoms so I may try my hand at those! See you soon (hopefully)!
Well, since you are here I better give you something to read!
Age: guess; you might get a prize.
Gender: To quote from the hilarious song "Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)" from Annie Get Your Gun: "I'm a girl!"
Hair: Long, brownish-red. About to dye it again actually...
Location: Texas, but I do not, except on VERY few occasions where I am forced to laugh at myself 'cause it's so funny, and when I'm being ridiculous, have that overbearing accent movies portray us as having. Not all of us are hicks. We don't all ride horses to school in lieu of cars/bikes/walking/other transportation. We don't all carry shotguns everywhere (although most of us do have them). Cows and horses are everywhere in pastures on the side of the roads that have them, not all do. (That one I can't deny).
Some people say that I have an accent but neither they nor I know where it's from, but my mom is convinced that it is from New York. I have also been known to talk in a British accent without knowing it. I'm good with accents. I may not know what I'm saying if it's a different language, but I can say it spectacularly. I know, I'm weird...
Random: Don't mess with me because I can and will scare you, intentionally or not. Just ask anyone who knows me--I can scare anyone. It's a gift -smirk-. It's rather funny at times, hahaha. I am also fiercely protective of those I care about. Do not mess with those I care about in front of me and expect to get off scot-free. On another note, I love animals! I love tattoos; I have one and plan on more. I believe in the supernatural. I believe in God. I believe there is a reason for everything, but sometimes you don't know what the reason is. I believe in hope. I believe in dreams. I'm empathic and slightly psychic. I'm a strange cookie. *smiles*
Now, I want you all to be nice to these people. They are great and nice and awesome.
Things I Like!
Colors: Red, Black, Blue, Green, Silver, Purple
Life With Derek--
Wizards of Waverly Place--
Things I Don't Like!!
*Self Insert Stories--I usually despise these since the author typically creates a Mary Sue type character, as themself, who is absolutely bloody perfect and all powerful and has all the guys competing for her attention and love and it just makes me sick. The same goes for Gary Stu type characters with all the girls falling head-over-heels. However, I have come across one or two stories that made me laugh and fall in love and weren't the typical nightmare they usually are, so it's just a matter of wading through the bad to get to the actually funny and well-written.
*OC Pairings--These are, at least the ones I've come across, terrible. Absolutely terrible, as in completely unrealistic. Although, if anyone can send me in the direction of a good one, please, let me know and change my mind. I'm sure there are really great ones out there, because I've found a couple that have changed my mind to a certain degree.
Life With Derek--
Wizards of Waverly Place--
Things that bug me:
When people abuse their right to be stupid...especially on purpose!
The one person whispering in a dead silent room.
Being tapped on the shoulder.
Annoying people I have to deal with at work.
RANT TIME: When people bash other people's stories for no reason at all! They just tear the author down and don't leave an email to let them get back to you...those are the worst. If you're going to say something really mean, don't be a coward! Leave a way to get a hold of you... When people read a story and then bash the pairing throughout the whole review or bash the story itself--NEWSFLASH: you don't have to read it! If you don't like it, then don't read it! There! Problem: SOLVED! There IS a way to tell the author that they could have done something better by constructive criticism than by hating on them. Use the advice... When people use a cuss word in every single sentence. I write them in my stories and only say them in extreme situations or singing to a song, but I hate it when people say them all the time, or write them all the time in the story, unless that is how the character naturally is, thereby staying in character.
Okay, rant over!
Quotes I Like: (btw, I add new quotes at the bottom of the list... in case anyone cares...)
"Ok, how do you spell SBC? ...wait..." -my little sister
"We did it, we did it, oh yeah, yeah, yeah! You're not eating here tonight! Whoo! Eating here tonight no, no, no eating here tonight, you on a diet!" -Dory and Marlin from Finding Nemo.
"HONK!" -my older sister
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..." -Dory from Finding Nemo.
"Don't shoot the messenger; he has a horse ride to pay off." –Me.
“I love my shoes!” –Friend
"You may now kiss the cow... Bride! Bride!" -Ryan Stiles, from Whose Line is it Anyway?.
"I CAN'T SLEEP!" - London
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" -Baker's wife
"Ee, ah, UNH!" slams door, "It's FLYING!" -Me, in relations to a BIG flying bug
"Stupid bugs..." -Me
"Put your hands up!" -inside joke between me and two friends.
"You look familiar, have I threatened you before?" -Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean
"When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a squirt gun and aim for the eyes!" -I heard it somewhere.
"I say that we take a cannon, aim it at his door and then knock three times and when he answers Sandy Claws will be no more!"
"If you want me to smile, turn around and walk away, but if you want me to frown, go ahead, stay." -something I said to someone I didn't want to talk to at the time.
"AGONY!" -both Cinderella and Rapunzel's princes. It's part of a funny song from Into the Woods (just listen to the song: it's great!).
"I'd rather be a nerd than a superficial bitch." –Me.
"Meow!" -Colin Mochrie --From Whose Line Is It Anyway?
"When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout." –Unknown.
"School gets in the way of my learning." -Mark Twain.
"Harry, I've left a letter telling your aunt & uncle not to worry-" –Lupin
“Now, let’s all show our skills as a family of profession thieves!”- Emiko (DNAngel)
"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh Ron how wonderful! A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!" –Molly
"One way for surviving high school: keep your head down and your mouth shut. That way nobody knows you even exist unless they crash into you on accident."- Unknown
“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” -Yogi Berra
“The only real diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.” –Unknown
“I don’t really fit in,”- Raven
"Didn't your mother tell you not to play with fire? Maybe you weren't listening or you were too busy burning the house down."- Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin)
"We've just witnessed what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is 'being an ass'."- Shigure (Fruits Basket)
"When I was born I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half."- Gracie Allen
"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."- Joe Namath
"Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."- Alise Bordchardt
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."- Groucho Marx
"The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers."- William Shakespeare
"The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too."- Anton Chekhov
"If all else fails, kill the messenger."- Unknown
"I've heard similar things from fools whose memories I keep alive by dancing on their tombstones!"- Inuyasha (Inuyasha)
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."- James H. Kabbler III.
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."- Johnny Carson
"Never moon a werewolf."- Mike Binder
“Now's the best time to say "Gee, Mr. Lancer, I had no idea being a teacher was so difficult."- Mr. Lancer
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -not wounded- dead.” -Woody Allen
"Elizabeth is safe, like I promised. She's going to marry the commodore, like she promised. And you're going to die for her, like you promised. So we're all men of our words except for Elizabeth who is in fact a woman."- Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
"Is the answer A, the Fenton Portal? Destroyed it. B? The only remaining portal? The one my idiot cheese head arch enemy has? As soon as I find it, that's going to."- Dan
"What kind of parents are you? The worlds leading ghost experts, and you can't figure out your own son is half ghost!"- Dan
“To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.”- Benjamin Franklin
"There's so much irony here I could write a poem. The kidnapper needs help with a kidnapping" - Holly (Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident)
"The only reasons I learn other languages is to 1) talk to people OUTSIDE of this country. 2) to insult people in the country who I despise."- Unknown
“A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.”- Bill Cosby
"Now the world will endure 1000 years of darkness!"- Master Fung:
“This is a revolution, dammit! We're going to have to offend SOMEbody!” -Peter Stone
”You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted and used against you”- Unknown
“There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with ‘or die’."- Alistair J.R. Young
“But I guess it doesn't matter now, you being dead and all...”- God
"I'm sorry, but it wouldn't work! You're a man; I'm a woman. We're just too different!"- Leela (Futurama)
"Bye, Vlad! And as a lonely single's man in your forties, might I suggest Internet dating? Or a cat!"- Danny
“I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I'm stupid enough to try anything.”- Beast boy (Teen Titans)
"Ulrich! When did he die?"- Teacher
“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.’”- Jack Handey
“My name is VASH THE STAMPEDE! Forgive the lack of warning, but it's time for my daily massacre! If you do not believe I am the real thing, take a good look at me and start freaking out!"- Vash (Trigun)
“I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don’t hesitate to call.” – Vash (Trigun)
"What are you ducking for? ... They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-" -last words of General John Sedgwick, 1864 ... right before he was shot in the head by an enemy sniper
Crash “My computer! Oh, that’s Jazz’s.”- Danny (Danny Phantom)
“They take a sharp red hot poker stick it up your nose, scramble things around a bit, then rip it all out through your nostrils.”- Evie
“Uh oh,”- Pacha
"Well I can see why we're trying to keep them alive...Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting and bite all at the same time?"- Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter)
“The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.”- General Kimsey (Armageddon)
“American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!”- Lev Andropov (Armageddon)
"A good friend bails you out of jail, a true friend is sitting next to you saying 'we screwed up... LET’S DO IT AGAIN!'"- Unknown
“Dad, how do people make babies?”- Calvin
“Do you have an idea for your story yet?”- Hobbes
“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”-Woody Allen
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”-Edgar Bergen
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”-Ed Furgol
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”- Albert Einstein
“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.”-Will Rogers
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."- Phyllis Diller
"No trespassing, violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again."- Unknown
"Smoking is the only substance in America that when you use as directed, it kills you."- Unknown
"We're gonna die! We're gonna die! I'm gonna throw up and then we're gonna die!"- The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)
“Dude you are one seriously crazed up fruit-loop.”- Danny (Danny Phantom)
“The glowing blade is new.”- Danny
“I was married once.”- John
“I talked to McGonagall about the Firebolt today and she got a bit cheeky. Seems she thinks that I care more about winning the game than your safety. All I said was that I didn’t care if the broom bucked you off as long as you caught the Snitch first.”- Wood (Harry Potter)
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. -found it
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that mother fucker upside the head. -found it
"Love is a love-hate relationship." -Me
"Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!" -Colin Mocherie
Whoever said anything is possible obviously hasn't tried to slam a revolving door. -found it
"Hey, don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts." -Mushu, Mulan
"He wants me to focus. What am I, a telescope?!" -Naruto
"No beer until you finish your tequila!" -Leela's Dad from Futurama
"She kinda scares me." -Brock
"Well Mr. Miller, it seems like you've got a case of LSOB." -Doctor
"There he is. There's the S.O.B. who's trying to take my sister to hell with him." -Buzzard
"Even that white-haired dude?!" -my little sister
"Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop into my mouth if you want to live." -Nigel from Finding Nemo
"I went to the young fountain!" -my little sister
"I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image I must first change myself. Fish are friends. Not food." -Bruce/sharks from Finding Nemo
"We are gonna stop drinking and give you a better example." -Judy
"We can't, Big Daddy--that's my Daddy. He's big." -Buzzard, from Reba
“Inu… baby?” Kagome said grinning like a madwoman.
The cheetahs snorted as Miroku made his entrance. A blonde wig, compliments of Amarante, was pinned and all but glued into his hair. He had been stripped from his standard monk’s robe, and was put into a silken violet colored kimono (It did a lovely job bringing out the color of his eyes) again compliments of Amarante. Mascara was horribly applied to his face, along with a fine white powder, and hideous red lip color. –from the story My Pet written by PegasusRider, read it, it’s really good!
“By all that is sweet, round and firm! In the name of Lady Sango’s rump! Why on earth would you build a room with no entrances?” Miroku fiercely cursed as he slid his hand along the wet, grimy stone rock. –Miroku from My Pet written by PegasusRider, read it, it’s really good!
Lady Amarante, it is I! Your faithful follower, protector, and disciple,”
“Oh, a thousand curses on that toad! Safe in here, Hah! My donkey’s-,”
“So, once we reach the room with Sesshoumaru’s men, which is probably well guarded, not to mentioned locked, what are we going to do?” Miroku asked.
“Oh, by the way…” Saku offhandedly said, about to exit the room. “The monk found Jakken, Milord.”
"It's perfect!" the perky lady gushed while stepping back to admire Raven's new look. "You're easily able to pass off as a boy."
'The main problem was that the librarian had done such a horrible job cutting her hair that it stuck up everywhere, closely resembling an electrified bush.' -The Page Turner, original story by PegasusRider
"I look like a grey, hairy monkey wearing a back pack." -Raven from The Page Turner, original story by PegasusRider
"Nice hair cut, Raven!" -Nate
"Whoa, I can only fit one of you." -EMT
"I have made a new commandment: Thou Shalt Do the Dance." -God from Evan Almighty
"Here's your sign." -Bill Engvall
“If your lover was unable to perform anymore(groan from Al), and was a shoe salesman(groan from Al), whose name was Al,” –Peg reads from a card
“What are you doing here?” –Kelly
“Please don’t stop, that’s beautiful.” –Leela
“My hands! My horrible, human hands! –gasp– And what did you do to my nails?!” –Fry
“Ah! They’re so cold!” –Leela
“It doesn’t matter Daddy! Because every time he went ‘ding’, she went ‘don’t’ and I went ‘dang’!” –Miley from Hannah Montana
“Robbie Ray, do you remember that time you asked out Miley’s mom for the first time and she turned you down flat?” –Aunt Dolly
“Okay, that’s it. The next one who says tarragon is gonna be gone!” –Robbie Ray
"Now tangling with sweet Daisy is like trying to put socks on a rooster." -Balladeer from The Dukes of Hazzard, the series
"Drop the box, drop the box." -Bill
"They were playing shirts and skins. Shirts and mighty-fine-looking skins." -Megan from Megan Meade's Guide to the McGowan Boys by Kate Brian
"If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch, and bite." -Bender from Futurama
"I stutter! Even in my head!" -My little sister
"What about my head?" -My little sister
“One brain, one vote, that’s the law.” –Reba from Reba
“Well I’m a teenage boy and let me tell you what I’m thinking! Nothing!” –Van from Reba
“Kyra threatened me!” –Jake
“Kyra talked to me about dating! I’m putting that in her baby book.” –Reba from Reba
“Well next time you surprise me, tell me, okay?” – Cheyenne from Reba
"Well, I suppose I do have a slight tendency to overreact a bit." -Moseby
"Well boys, I guess we have all learned something from this." -Drama teacher
"Come on, man, everyone gets dumped." -Shawn
"Hunter, who's your best friend?" -Mr. Turner
"So, did you get the job?" -Mr. Turner
“You were scarier when you had acne.” –Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World
"Don't be silly, I'm sure they don't want to hear about that, Tippy." -Mr. Lawrence
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!!” –Me to my friend
“Only You!” –Inside joke between two of my friends and myself
“Basically the world is in the hands of pretty, bitchy fifteen-year-old. Shoot us now.” –it was on Reyana Draconis’ story Under Shadowed Wings
“That’s not caring, that’s just hatred. They just sound the same.” –Reba from Reba
“Well one night my wife asks me, “Is there anything new you want to try in bed tonight?” and I’m thinking, “What is the right answer?!” Because as soon as I come up with something I think would be fun, I know I’m gonna hear, “Where’d you learn that? From your slutty smoking girlfriend over there!?” –Bill Engvall
“You know the rules! Stand up in the bathroom, sit down in the truck stop in the next city!” –Jeff Foxworthy
“I like to use analogies in my show...that’s where they compare things.” –Bill Engvall/Jeff Foxworthy
“I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.” –Bill Engvall
“Baby, you’re not gonna believe this. We just hit a deer with our plane!” And there was a pause followed by “Oh my god, were you on the ground?” “Nope, Santa was making one last run.” –Bill Engvall and his wife
“I’m a dork fish! He caught me on a corndog!” –Bill Engvall
“It’s my wife’s 38th birthday and so I go out and get two cakes. One says ‘Happy’ and a 3, and the other one says ‘Birthday’ and an 8. I took them up to the counter and the little girl there at the counter says, “Aw, do you have twins?” “Yes, my wife was in labor for 5 years.” –Bill Engvall
“And the up button was pushed when a man comes into the elevator and asks, “Are these the elevators that go up?” “No, these are the ones that go side to side. The up and down elevators are down the hall.” He walked away!” –Bill Engvall
“My 6 year old son hurt his bottom and so my wife says, “Okay, go to your room and take off your pants and I’ll come in to rub some ointment on it. So I’m sitting on the bed, talking with him, while my wife is rubbing ointment on his bottom and he... he farts. Of course, I’m laughing and she says, “Travis!” and he looked at her with a straight face and says, “My compliments to the chef.” –Bill Engvall
We kept passing ‘Deer X-ing’ signs and my wife looks over at me. “Now why do they put up those signs? Deer can’t read.” “No, but they can look up at the pictures of themselves.” –Bill Engvall
“My brother’s a doctor, my sister’s an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving!” –Ron White
“If you come to Texas and you kill somebody, we will kill you back.” –Ron White
“If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?” “All the way to the scene of the crash.” –Ron White
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And find somebody whose been given vodka and have a party.” –Ron White
“What do you think red, white, and blue stands for? Rednecks, white trash, and blue collar.” –Jon Reep
“Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care.” –I don’t know
“If Jimmy cracked corn and we don’t care, why is there a song about him?” –someone I know
“When someone's on the phone and glares and says, "Excuse me? Can I have a little privacy please?" That’s when you say, no, because you’re in public.” –Jon Reep
“Well, tell the warlords your mom said it’s bedtime.” –Judy from Still Standing
“With super-power comes super-responsibility.” –Carey from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody
“With great power comes great sacrifice.” –I don’t know
“SYSPH: Shut Your Stinking Pie Hole.” –Doug Benson
“Here’s a straw, suck it up,” –Sakura from Donna Sakura by Naraku’s Phoenix
“I’m not finished!” interjected Sasuke, and he continued, “It spun around a couple times before it stopped and it looked dead at me. It had the brightest, most hideous red eyes I’ve ever seen. On impulse I knocked it off the frame onto the ground. But then it started coming after me! I reached behind me in the shed and pulled out a shovel. I started smacking and smacking it, but it just wouldn’t die!” –Sasuke from Donna Sakura by Naraku’s Phoenix
“You know that severed hand from the Adams family?” said Neji out of nowhere.
“Before I hit puberty I had an unhealthy fear of cooties,” said Gaara.
Just after getting my passport
“You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! ‘Cause they just might.” –Bill Engvall
“If I don’t talk like a pilot this jet won’t work right. You can hear it all on the cockpit tape!” –Bill Engvall
“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” –TRUTH
“When you’re with your friends and you’re running away from an animal that wants to eat you, remember: you don’t have to be faster than the animal, you just have to be faster than one of your friends.” –my old health teacher, he was so funny!
“Geoffrey, get me my tools,” –Uncle Phil
“(weakly) Geoffrey, (strongly) break out Lucille.” –Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire
“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime." –Chinese Proverb
“The day your beast starts acting like your mother, you're either insane or in love. =)” –review from Kimster44 for the story Unwavering Dream by Nyevah
"You're a woman. How is a guy supposed to advise a woman about changing the way she looks without being considered a jerk? It just isn't possible." –Shikamaru from dawning by deliria
“The pen is mightier than the sword, but the video camera can kick the pen’s butt.” –Bill Engvall
“If I tell you that I stink then don’t go sniffing me! That’s seven kinds of stupid, un!” –Deidara to Kisame from The Gift of Life by Infatuated-Simplicity
“...and also with, Toronga Leela.”
“Could I take you?” –Bully (I forgot his name)
“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.” –Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You
“Well? What did she say?”
“You have a very unique fighting style. I like it. It’s like a cat.”-Kakashi Sakura blushed, flattered. “Really? You mean, like… graceful?” –Sakura
"It was beauty that slayed the beast." -It was from King Kong, but I forgot who said it...
"Both Gaara and Sakura's eyes are green! Not blue! Why does everyone say they are blue?!" -Me
"Fake it till you make it." -I've heard this from so many different sources, so I'm just gonna say MANY
"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?" -Kel from Good Burger
"You may get older, but you'll never grow up." -I like using this quote, but I'm not sure if it actually belongs to anyone
"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee," -me to a friend
"Oh, my god. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found a Hispanic man with no children, a job, and no criminal record. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just found Bigfoot!" -Lisa Lampanelli
"Peter, the Good Lord said to honor thy father, He never said anything about liking him!" -the Pope from Family Guy
"Beware the finger flick of DOOM!" -me
"Why is it that I don't gag when I go down on my boyfriend, but I do when I brush my teeth?" -card from an audience member
"Hey, don't put that in ye- oh, you put the shelves in already?" -Dad
"Are you gonna help me or not?" -Lassiter
"High school never ends, that diploma doesn't mean a gosh-darned thing. It's just a piece of paper stating you received the required amount of credits to leave that hellhole. The attitude of high school remains throughout life, so if you were hoping to be free after graduation... sucks."
"My parents told me I could be anything I wanted when I grew up - so I decided to be a bitch."
"Unnecessary anger over something trivial is stupid. At least have the decency to tell somebody you're upset with them and for what, otherwise you're setting up a huge misunderstanding, making yourself out to be a bitch, and potentially losing a great friendship. Over something TRIVIAL."
"Ow! That hurt!" * "It was supposed to!"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt
I told you I was sick!
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
Here lies Walter Dudley. He found out too late, Dobermans aren't cuddly
Should have j-walked a little faster
Once I’m dead and buried
“Here lies Orvin Kelligrew, a poor and lowly worm.” –The Ghost of Fossil Glen (I'm missing some words in there, but I can't find my book and when I do, I'll fix it)
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLA, AND STEP ON IT!
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day
If you drive any closer I’m gonna spit on you!
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
It’s just a stupid sticker but you’re still squinting to read it.
You’re gonna pay for the car bill once you crash into me from squinting to read this sticker. And you better have some damn good insurance.
Graduate of Anger Management: What the hell are you looking at?
Jesus loves you: everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
I’m 49 percent bitch, 51 percent kitty cat. Don’t push it.
Famous Last Words
Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital.
It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du-
Don't touch the red button!
What does this button do?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
No these windows are ok to lean on.
Don’t worry it has airbags.
Don’t worry its not that deep.
I'd like to see you try.
You want me? Come and get me!
Have I ever steered you wrong?
Just watch the pro.
What could possibly go wrong?
Things couldn't get any worse.
Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.
My brakes are fine.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
So, you're a cannibal.
Are you sure the power is off?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal’
I dunno, press the button and find out.
Don't worry, it's not contagious.
There's only one way to find out...
Let it down slowly.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes
I can do that with my eyes closed
look ma! no hands!
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about- beeeeeeeep...
Took your parking space? Well at least I didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!
Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.
Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.
Hello, is anyone home?
Alright, let's see, how do we work this thing?
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
He can't hear us, he's miles away. I'll be right back.
I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.
Don't worry, we outnumber them.
Hey, what's that beeping sound?
I'm sure it's just the wind.
Of course it's safe!
No, this tribe is peaceful!
No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.
Hey, what's this switch?
Don't move, you'll trip the sensors.
So, you're sure this isn't loaded?
Calm down, of course I disarmed it!
What, I never signed any organ donor papers!
Well, it can't get any worse!
C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!
Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!
They can't hit us at this range!
All you have to do is connect these two wires.
Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is.
These pills are awfully small... I'll take a few more to be sure they work.
Stupid safety labels...
No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eat them all the time.
Watch, I'll prove it!
Nah, they're blanks.
Speaking of lost, where are we?
I know this great shortcut we can take.
Is that what I think it is?
What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable.
No, no, no, let me fix it!
Don't be silly, it isn't loaded.
I CAN FLY!
Trust me; I know what I'm doing.
Yes, the barrel of your shotgun is very clean.
What’s in this dark cave?
Bet you can't do this.
I can't believe no one has ever thought of this before.
I swear I shut the door when I left.
That’s funny; I remember seeing the same guy on Americas Most Wanted.
Lightning never hits the same spot twice.
We’re home free
Hey y'all, watch this!
Watch where you point that thing!
Wait; did that sign say electric fence?
No, silly, that's a dolphin fin!
Is that a real sword?
They did it in the Matrix...
What’s that red dot on your forehead?
Hey! Why are you all hiding?
Don’t worry. I’ll be fine!
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself?
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit and ask you if you recognize that picture.
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped and made camp in the desert for the night.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a moment, and then replies, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chip! It means someone stole our tent."
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
My Oath as a friend
1. When you are sad - I will help you get DRUNK and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
And there you have it. Useless stuff you never asked for; some about me, other stuff just useless, random, and (hopefully) amusing! Assuming you read it all that is. So now that you have reached the bottom of this seemingly endless profile, please take a look at my stories and read and review them! I worked hard on them and I would really like input about what you all think of them, even if it's just a "good story" or an "it's alright, but you could fix this" All reviews are welcome, but I'd rather not get any nasty ones. Thanks!
Have an awesome day, but if you don't like being told what to do, well then do what you want. (which is also telling you what to do... hmm... quite the conundrum)
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