Author has written 7 stories for Fullmetal Alchemist, and Harry Potter.
Hi peeps! My name is Poison, and I have a story behind that ... what? You think i'm gon' tell you?
I don't care for flames. I refuse to use the term "flamers" because some of my best friends are flamboyantly gay and are referred to as such. I also think its rude to insult someones work. My absolute biggest pet peeve is when someone writes a really nasty review to a story that criticizes everything about it, when that person has, not only NOT written a story of their own, but has blocked the PM feature for the site. If this is you, you are a cowardly ass hole and you need to go to hell. But if you have CONSTUCTIVE CRITISISM, that I will tolerate. I would understand another author pointing out some of the flaws I've made or something, but to full on call my story crap to my face is rude and mean.
Also, if its a song-fic, that means that I took characters and put them in the song, not the other way around. It doesn't have to fit YOUR image of them. This is MY work and if you don't like it, then don't read it and move on. The people that go out of their way to be rude need to find lives.
Also I've had reviews from people who have said that I turned the characters into something that they aren't. All I have to say to that is, DUH!!!! Its FAN-FICTION, you douche-bag! If you want the characters to be exactly who they are in the book/show, GO READ/WATCH THE BOOK/SHOW and get the hell out of my life! I swear half the people here have never heard the phrase, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
In conclusion, I wish you all happy lives and lots of good food. And potatoes.
--Your Lord and Master--
Now for some fun things I've come across!
This is a list of sayings that were given to FIRST GRADERS to finish as class projects. I shit you not this is from first graders. The last one is a scream!
1. Don't change horses... ...until they stop running.
2. Strike while the... ...bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before... ...Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of... ...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but... ...how?
6. Don't bite the hand that... ...looks dirty.
7. No news... ...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a... ...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new. ... ...math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll... ...stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust... ...me.
12. The pen is mightier than the... ...pigs.
13. An idle mind is... ...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's... ...pollution.
15. Happy the bride who... ...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is.. ... ...not much.
17. Two's company, three's... ...the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... ...you put on to go to
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you cry and... ...you
20. There are none so blind as... ...Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not... ...spanked or grounded. BR
22. If at first you don't succeed... ...get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you... ...see in the picture
24. When the blind lead the blind... ...get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one...are you ready for this?
25. Better late than... ...pregnant.
This next bit is little sayings that my family and I tend to use, or just random things or jokes that I hear at school. (high school is good for something)
1. Well pin a rose on your nose!
2. Does your face hurt? 'Cause its killin' me!
3. Them that gots, is them that gots, and them that don't gots... well their just S.O.L.
4. Slicker than the ice that made me fall on my bum bum.
5. Dumb shit!
6. Go play in trafic!
7. If you don't move, I'm going to shoot you.
8. You'd look pretty funny walking around with my foot up your ass!
9. Save the planet, Kill yourself.
10. Don't let your worries kill you... let the church help.
11. God! I love waffles!
1.) Three guys were walking in the Amazon jungle when they encountered a native vilage. The cheif of this vilage told each of the men to go and gather ten fruits from the forest, so they set out. The first man came back with bannanas. The cheif then told him to shove the bannana's up his ass with out making a sound or a face. When the man got to 3 he cried out in pain. He was killed. Then the next man came back. He had gathered cherrys. The cheif told him the same thing. When he got to nine however he busted out laughing and was soon killed. When the second man got to heaven and was asked why he laughed, his only response was, "I saw the next guy coming back and he had Coconuts."
2.) Me: "Death to the Emperor!" Emperor: "Shit."
Short Yet Funny Stories
1. One day I was sitting with my sister by the computer while she was happily munching away on an ice cream cone. With no ice cream in it. but here I was just reading fan fictions when sudenly i'm being ear raped by the cone and asked if I can hear the ocean. Then not to long after she had taken a few bites out of the cone she repeatidly poked me in the cheek (no not that one) and asked if I could FEAL the ocean. (I swear this is a true story.)
2. One time during winter, I'd thrown a snow ball at my little sister and in a fit of rage she tried to chase me through the yard. She didn't see the patch of ice and did one of those cartoon like slips and landed on her ass. Thats where the frase "slicker than the ice that made me fall on my bum bum." originated.
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "mad cow disease" was
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another
Mitch Hedberg Jokes
I was at the lake and I saw this seagull, so I walked up to it and said, "It's okay, I won't tell anybody."
A hippopotumus is just a really cool opotumus.
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. You got your own thing goin'. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one messed-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."
I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It's a strange piece of machinery... "We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I'll be darned if I'm not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort."
I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!"
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.
I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot."
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over.”
I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. "That's Swiss!" "Yes, it is." "But how did you know?" "Because of the fucking holes!" Swiss cheese is a rip-off; it is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.
I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates.
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said, "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!"
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!"
I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.
I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under D... for doughnut.
I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.
I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, "You ain't going anywhere, don't even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move to the next one. When you hit butter, split up."
I'm lactose intolerant, so I eat my cereal with a fork.
They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a... bun. "What's a sesame seed grow into?" I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular!
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I like baked potatoes, but I don't have a microwave oven - it takes forever to cook one in a conventional oven. Sometimes I throw one in the oven, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows? I throw one in and go on vacation.
I eat a lot of sandwiches, who doesn't man, sandwiches are easy to eat. But I hate sandwiches at New York delis, too much fucking meat on the sandwich, it's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like, sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." "What kind of bread?" "Rye. No, fuck, banana, you got banana bread?" "What kind of cheese?" "Cottage" "Get the fuck out! I am not making a banana bread pastrami cottage cheese sandwich. That will severely ruin my reputation."
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up. Good thing I don't like carrots.
You shouldn't put stickers on a fruit. I know it has a smooth surface, but come on, fuck, leave it be. That's why I'm eating an apple, because it's a one hand operation. Sticker removal is a two hand operation. This hand said "Let me have a break" and I said "Sure, you can hang to the side. I will have an apple." And I'm eating the apple, "It's cool, hand, you're hanging. Oh shit, theres a sticker. Sorry dude, but you're back in action."
I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'... Shit!... I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"
I had an apartment and I had a neighbour, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit."
I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!"
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!"
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing."
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I saw an ad on TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it said "You can water your hard to reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus! They said "You can have this product for 4 easy payments of 19.95" I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments, and 1 fuckin complicated payment. We aint gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!
I want to be a race car passenger--just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I stick my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
I rent a lot of cars, 'cause I go on the road, and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with them, right. So a lot of times I'll drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever.
I'd like to take a toothpick and throw it into a forest and say, 'You're home.'
I can whistle with my fingers too... especially if I have a whistle.
One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you do that? Let me see that camera."
I wear v-neck shirts, this is a v-neck I got on. My neck is so fragile man, I can't wear a regular neck shirt, it hurts. And I especially hate turtle necks. Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Like if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.
I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer was wearing no shirt and leather pants, and he had like a "Flying V" guitar. He got up on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."
I played in a Death Metal band. People either loved us, or they hated us. Or they thought we were just OK. A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "Acappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.
You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!
I have 2 sisters, and one of them is named Wendy, and if you asked Wendy if I was weird, she'd probably say yeah. But that's backwards, 'cause she's weird. 'Cause, she has a husband, and two children, and they have a family photo on top of their VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something's goin' on over there. The camera is right in front of you, but I guess something happened to the left, that made everybody happy. Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right on.
I was gonna stay over at my friend's house. She says "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? "zzzt ... Fuck you."
I had a roommate whose name was Eddie, and Eddie was slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter and I had a problem; I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas?'" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it, then quit." Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside. After a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie's first comment was, "Man, this guy is a survivor." If you were walking down the street with Eddie and a car pulled up to you and two guys got out with ski masks and guns and said, "Get in the car. We're going to kidnap you," Eddie would've said, "Shotgun!" I would've been in the back seat with the other kidnapper... "He called it." Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I fucked up.
Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.
My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch, because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see.
If you drink O'Doul's, you're not drinking. But if you drink 20 O'Doul's in a half hour, you're a fuckin' non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.
Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I drink Orange Juice with Vodka. It's like Vitamin C that kicks your ass!
When we were on acid we would go into the woods; because when you were in the woods trippin' there was less likely a chance you'd run into an authority figure...but we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz-kill. My friend Dwayne was standing there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear, he put his arm around my shoulder and said to me "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person."