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Author has written 12 stories for Devil May Cry, Warhammer, Harry Potter, and Deadpool.
It has come to our attention that several of our fans have recently been rebutting the comments made by CrystalLotus on our story “Anti-Nero Hour,”. While we appreciate these people coming to our defence, we want to make it clear that we do not agree with the things being said.
The very point of this story is to attack the idea that such things as insulting fictional characters is a serious issue. Sure we got flamed, but we dealt with the issue, and anyone who flames her, we’re afraid, is no better.
We are asking fans to please stop sending these messages. Ours, or anyone else's review pages are not place to discuss this meaningless issue.
If we could have fans who realise that the whole thing is just for fun, and anyone who gets angry about it is infact a moron, then we can take pride in a job well done.
If you really want to help out, we’d love some more reviews to help us create better work.
So please stop sending the messages. They are hurtful, stupid, and make us and yourselves look like assholes.
Before we tell you anything else, you should know that this pen-name is used by two people, who go by the nicknames "Joe" and "Gromit". If you've been contacted by this profile about the site, or have seen any of our work, we'll let you know which of us it is. Unless it doesn't say either of us, in which case it's probably Gromit who couldn't be arsed.
There's often confusion over the issue of which of us you're dealing with. We generally don't correspond to other profiles together, it's normally just one of us, and the same applies for reviews. And we also write separately, so look out for the "Joe" or "Gromit" to determine who the author is. Unless it's "Joe and Gromit", in which case the both of us are at hand.
Gromit; Our bio got deleted ages ago, and we never could be assed to fix it, but then I thought; Hey! I Love talking about myself endlessly! I pride myself on being preposterously immature. My favourite word is preposterous. My vote for the above polls is Ninjas... Oh yeah.
Likes; Saying random words in attempt to cause amusement, emitting high pitched shrieking noises while poking people's hair, eating food that does not make me recoil, all furry animals (except those big eyed buggers that live in trees). I like chicken curry and onion rings. I like playing guitar and making noise. I enjoy playing computer PS/2/3/P Pc and chasing cats and sheep. I like rock and metal, and my favourite band is Rage Against the Machine. I like arguing and politics, and am a left winger. Movies; The Green Mile, Shawshank Redemption, Tranformers, The Lion King (come on, they're lions!) and Lord of War. Games; Fallout 3, Bioshock, the Orange Box, and COD.
Dislikes/Fears;I fear/dislike many things. I am afraid of role players on the internet, noisy letters, Dick Cheyney the Vice Potus, Chelsea football club, and GODDAMN DANCE MUSIC! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! That's not music, it's a bumper car on coke. And not the happy liquid kind, the mean chalky kind. Mean people in the ref and GWB. I really don't like anime. There I said it. Hatemail me why don't you. I also hate Twilight. But don't get me started on... AAAAAAAAAARGH! For gods sake its like My Immortal all over again. I don't get posting your favourite pairings either... I mean what's the point? They're not real and they're not you.
Joe: Meself, I'm the exact same and opposite at the same time. But not in a contradictory way. Or in any confusing manner whatsoever.
Likes: I'll eat most anything except Turkish delight (period wrapped in chocolate) if it's in front of me. I love arguing, regardless of topic (your favourite colour's yellow? Well fuck you!). In terms of music, I like mainly rock, a smidge of metal, and also the blues and jazz. I play the sax (mine goes by the name of Sasha) and enjoy it immensely. I'm completely open in terms of movies - but that doesn't include rom-coms or chick flicks. Games-wise, I have a PS3, and my faves are the Devil May Cry and Metal Gear Solid series. Books? Jack Higgins, Bill Bryson, John Connolly, Robert Ludlum - that sort of thing. And, of course, I've read harry potter and lord of the rings. You could call me undecided in terms of politics. On the left/right map, I suppose I'd be dancing on the centre line in a comical and energetic fashion.
Dislikes/Fears: Internet tough guys. You know the kind - more often than not they're racist and/or ageist, feeling that everybody else on the internet MUST be 50 years old and a paedophile, or korean (of which they hate -see 'racist'). There's also the occasional fascist on the internet, but they provide temporary entertainment for arguing with, so at least some good comes out of them. I Hate a load of the same things Gromit mentioned - Techno and Dance music etc. Also, I just don't get the whole goth and emo thing. Does acting that way REALLY make them any happier? Sure, they may have some genuine issues - but does THAT help in the slightest? The same goes for those amusing idiots who think they're vampires. I also just don't get putting fave pairings on your profile, I don't see the appeal of anime, and I HATE it when people put their own music in fanfiction (for example: and then I listened to 'The Chronicles of Life and Death' by Good Charlotte cos their awesome) How is that relevant? If your story NEEDS that then it's shit. I don't like it, but, hey, you wanna go ahead and do it then knock yourself out.
Joe & Gromit; If you think that copying and pasting these things on your profile is pointless, copy and paste this onto your profile!
If you think that copying other people's stuff from other people's profile onto your one is a good way of expressing yourself, copy and paste this onto your profile!
If you hope that by copying and pasting paragraphs complaining about being called weird instead of unique, you will somehow not be weird, then copy this onto your profile!
If you think that by copying and pasting paragraphs 'campaigning' against cancer or AIDS, you are somehow contributing to help victims, copy and paste this onto your profile!
If you can't be arsed to copy and paste this junk onto your profile then - ah shit...
"95 of teenagers would cry if the Jonas brothers threatened to kill themselves by jumping off of the empire state building. Copy and paste this on too your profile if you'd be one of the 5 buying popcorn for the show!" Put this on your profile if you think; Well that’s not very nice. Those guys must be in an extreme state of mental anguish if they’re in such a bad position that they want to kill themselves. Shame on anyone who would eat popcorn while such a thing is going on. I mean come on, their music is bad, but why would you want them dead for that? And where did these people get their popcorn? At a vendor who profits off peoples woes that’s who. Besides that figure is fairly dubious. After all, I only know who they are because I did a google search on them a few seconds ago. Surely the situation isn’t limited to such extreme views, I mean 95 of teenagers would cry? Not the teenagers I know. And most of those wouldn’t find sadistic pleasure in watching suffering either. I bet someone just made up this ridiculous figure to try and spread around on peoples pages, because they are part of a community wishing itself to be in the minority. Yeah, all those people should be ashamed. Don’t expect me to come to help them when they’re feeling depressed. The assholes... Where am I?
"Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list." Put this on your profile if you also see the blaring irony in this. I've left out the alarmingly large list of names that procedes this, because I'm not trying to tease any one person. I just think that this is retarded. This is a strange method for those who wish themselves to be "outside of the box" to put themselves in a different one. In fact, the very act of signing yourself onto this means that you reject "popular" society, meaning that you feel that you are in a minority (hence the fairly dubious 5 percent figure), while you are volunteering yourself into a rather different clique, which quite clearly represents more than 5 percent of the population. In fact, while I'm writing this I may as well go into a rant, while you're here. Surely the "popular" kids aren't concerned about being popular, and they sure as hell exceed five percent. Then there's your level-minded people who don't buy into this sort of crap, who understand that "society" is much more than a buzz-word representing conformists and the majority, but that "society" is a term for people as a whole, with their own unique cliques and differences. Ahem. Was I making a point of some sort...?
93 percent of teenagers would have an emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you are part of the 7 percent that would say "What was your first clue?” copy this onto your profile. Now come on! 93 of teenagers? Are you shitting me? Are you trying to tell me that in a typical group of 100 teenagers, if one shouted "freak" at them, 93 of them would spontaniously collapse into an emotional breakdown? And what about the other people, who's response would be be "Yeah? Fuck you too!" This is preposterous.
75 percent of teenagers at some point have considered suicide, copy and paste this onto your profile if - you are a recent addition to that percentage due to these fucking statistics that have obviously been made up on the spot so that the person in question can point out how fucking fantastic they are. Besides, if this were true, instead of thinking 'well, I don't want to commit suicide, aren't I utterly brilliant?', I'd think about how awful a state of events it must be for so much of the teenage population that they contemplate suicide? Surely something must be done?
92 percent of the teenage population has smoked, done drugs, drank alcohol, or done all three. Repost this if you are part of the 8 percent that hasn't - or better yet, if you think the other 8 percent are either lieing or don't have a life. Come on - even a sip of your parents wine when they weren't looking as a child, or a puff of a cigar given to you in order to put you off smoking. In fact, copy and paste this if you wish the other 8 percent would get over themselves, stop putting up this crap so they can remind themselves how fucking fantastic they are, and stop being so fucking sanctimonious. In fact - don't, which is the point we're actually trying to make.
I think people should read this if they HATE child abusing. If you HATE child abusing like me copy and paste this to your profile. I've mercifully left out the obviously fictional excerpt of a child being abused, which ended in accusing you of being a cold-hearted bastard if you didn't copy and paste this onto your profile. Admittedly, that's what Gromit and I are repeatedly doing here, but the point is to defeat these. Okay...now, let's get a few things straight. Copying and pasting these things will not in any way help anything. A child abuser will not log on to Fanfiction, see these on profiles, and think "Oh, wow, these people think what I'm doing is wrong. Since what I'm doing is wrong - and that is NEWS to me, I'd better stop." Secondly,when people actually put these things on their profile, it's not because they really, really want to contribute, it's because they want people to think they do. Putting this on a profile suggests "look at me, I'm so considerate, I'm a fantastic person.", so that people who read their profile consider them good people. If they actually wanted to help, or do something useful, they'd volunteer for organisations and helplines. But, like previously stated, it's not about the cause, it's about themselves, they want to appear to be helping...(deep breath)...yes, I'm quite done.
If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter,bear bating,dolphin hunting,chimp slavery,etc.) then copy this to your profile. I totally agree, especially with the chimp slavery! Wages for Chimps! Give 'em a vote! Equality for all!... What Fucking chimp slavery?!
~~If you think that writing fanfics is fun, put this in your profile!~~ Wow, you're so fucking unique! You go on a FANFICTION site to write FANFICTION! How crazy! That surely defines you as a person! copy and paste it onto your stupid profile.
Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you are the 8 percent that have stayed with rock, put this into your profile.~~ Because obviously you can't like both at the same time. And going onto Rap is a total sin, cos that's what all the preps and jocks do, so if you don't wanna be a conformist, listen to Rock!
If you hate those obnoxious preppy people PLEASE copy this in your profile. (Like, oh my God. I like totally broke a nail!...I mean LIKE stop talking LIKE that!) Well Let's look at this two ways, one, these are actually a real group of people, in which case you are a fucking hypocrite for complaining about stereotypes. Or, two, you're using it as an insult, and this is essentially the same as saying Put this on your profile if you hate the people you don't like!
If you hate those adverts that go on for hours then copy this onto your profile. Ads don't go on for hours and hours. If they do, then change the channel, because you're clearly watching teleshopping.
Copy and paste this onto your profile if you're not a conformist!
92 percent of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe. Repost this if you are one of the 8 percent who would be laughing your ass off. - that's unduly malicious of anybody who claims to be part of -ahem!- such a rebellious minority that would find it funny if '92 percent' of the teenage population died. Shame on any of you. I mean, really, this is just getting out of hand. So, you feel that the cool people overshadow you. Saying that you'd laugh at their death does not make you the bigger person. It makes you a despicable little whiny shit who can't get over themselves. Making up these statistics, placing yourself in an overhwelming minority because you're so fucking in love with the idea of being a victim of society - not because you don't care about your little 'misunderstood' fantasy, but because you want to see this copied onto other peoples profiles to assure yourself that you're not the only one. The irony.
I'm just another girl trying to find her place in this messed up world.
The girl who wants to be a Secret Agent or a Detective or an Action Hero
The girl who will work to become a writer, if it kills her.
The girl who is labelled as a Crazy sarcastic outcast
The girl who is Chaotic and Corrupted as a Hopeless Romantic
The girl who would take a batman cape and try to save the world.
The girl who tries, may fail, but tries.
The girl who would rather have her nose in a book than watch tv
The girl who can't boil water to save her life
The girl who is the Cat-tripping-up-the-stairs-and-slipping-on-the-ice Klutz.
The girl with the ripped jeans and dark eyeliner
The girl who loves cheesy pick up lines but will never fall for them
1. Well done on being dramatic. I’m glad that you’re looking on the bright side. Really though? Really? Or did you just write that down because you think it makes you sound cool.
2. Yeah? I mean that’s kind of what everyone wants to do but whatever. You want to express yourself go ahead. Oh and action Heroes aren’t real, just to burst your bubble.
3. So what, be a Secret Detective Agent Action Writer Hero? That’s a hard course to get into. Because it’s not real.
4. Maybe you’re an outcast because you’re sarcastic? Sarcasm is not a way of making friends. Instead of complaining about everyone else, why not look at yourself and say; well maybe they don’t want to be my friend, not because I’m different, but because I’m a total bh. Oh and being crazy probably doesn’t help. Why are you posting this on your page? Shouldn’t you be getting help or something?
5. I can’t rip you to shreds when you’re not making sense. Oh wait... YOU’RE NOT MAKING SENSE!
6. A common misconception, a batman cape will not actually help you help the world. It’s actually just a bit of cloth that is black that you tie around your neck. I know, false advertising right? Try recycling. Or worrying about people besides you. And no, putting up Anti-Racism lines on your page doesn’t help. That doesn’t count. Stop feeling good about yourself, you haven’t done anything.
7. Yeah. It’s what we all do. Well done. Not every other girl apart from you wakes up every morning says “You know what? I am attempting NOTHING today. Oh and screw being me too, I’m being everyone else”
8. Why put your nose in a book? It would be sore. Then all you can see is a book it’s a pain in the ass. Oh and big fuckin’ wow, you can read and do so. Excuse me for enjoying the occasional television programme. You know, reading is just as active as watching telly. You’rer not betteer then the rest of us you just think you are. Which makes you worse. Bitch.
9. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? You know what here you read, “I am a girl who desn’t conform to the idea that women should be good at cooking. You know what I read? Here is a MORON who is so BONE-HEADED that they can’t BOIL WATER! What kind of an idiot can’t boil water! I’m a guy. I like to cook. It’s called being self sufficiant. Mammy’s not always going to be there to cook you food whenever you want it. It’s a life skill. Your trying to look all strong and abnormal but you look weak because YOU CAN’T LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.
10. You bore me.
11. In other words an emo who feels sorry for themselves all day. You’ve it good. You have a TV and Books, shows me you’re in a comfortable position. Think about the millions worse of than you before complaining again.
12. Nobody does. That's the point. Oh and by the way “You have any Irish in you? No? Do you want some?”
Joe: Just in case of confusion, here's the stories written by us.
Yet Another DMC Parody: Joe
My first ever fic, so don't expect a gripping read. It's more or less a skit of the first Devil May Cry, full of complete and utter randomness and stupidity. In all honesty - it's shit. Don't read it.
DEVIL MAY GROW UP AT SOME POINT, DAMMIT: Gromit
My first one as well. Based on the twins childhood in DMC. Full of humor and biting and pain.
Of Boredom and Empty Bottles: Joe
A one shot. Dante's bored, lonely and extremely sober. There's no beer in the house, and he can't order pizza. WHAT WILL HE DO?!
Financial Diaries of a Devil Hunter: Joe
This seems popular for some strange reason. Anyway, on paper it's a humour, full of Get-Rich-Quick schemes devised by Dante. Not always the case, though. You could say that it's a series of stories surrounding any of the cast of DMC based on their hopelessness with money - and the working world in general, full of getting jobs, everything going tits up and them getting fired or sued, or both.
Devil May Cry: Hell's Frontline (Was originally called: "The Justice Within Two Evils"): Joe
This summary is gonna take a while...so, basically, demon sightings are going over the top, and there are more murders than ever. This eventually leads to a war between humanity and evil. Dante and Vergil end up on mission support with the US military, at the forefront of it all. But it seems that there is far more going on than just an increase of demons...
The Life and Times of Agni and Rudra: Joe&Gromit.
The amazing, amusing, irritating swords are back, inadvertantly causing havoc in Dante's Life. Cue shouting matches, jokes, the explanation of exeptionally rude words and shockingly large authors notes galore! Widely believed to be the funniest fic in existance.SEVERAL REVIEWERS HAVE REPORTED CHOKING ON BEVERAGES DUE TO LAUGHING. DO NOT DRINK ANYTHING WHILE READING IT
How the Mighty Have Fallen: Joe
This one begins with an alternate ending to Devil May Cry 3, and the rest is how the other games are impacted by this change.
Anti-Nero Hour: Joe&Gromit
Essentially a 3000-or so word orgasm for those who don't like Nero. In other words, for everyone. Full of sketches featuring Nero getting hurt or abused in some shape or form, lists, debates with special guests...who're we kidding. We had you hooked at "don't like Nero". Or, rather, at "orgasm." Grow up.
Redempshun: An Orks' Story: Joe&Gromit
No, it's not a typo, it's supposed to be spelled like that. Then again, if it's in your interests to read this, you already know that. Anyways, this is a humour fic based on two orks fighting to rally their kind to one banner again amidst a nine-way war.
Devil May Cry OOC: Gromit
What would actually happen if Dante had to live through some of the really bad fanfics out there. Chaos that's what.
Recipes for Disaster: Joe
Dante, Vergil, Trish, Lady, Lucia, Nero and Kyrie are all given the opportunity to write their own idea for the next Devil May Cry storyline.
Joe: Well, that's more or less it. If you want to contact us, just send us a private message. Even just to say hi. Or to argue. We'll be more than pleased to seize any opportunity to argue about absolutely anything. In fact, just to start things up; Twilight sucks.
Gromit: Now get reading. And reviewing.
Alright, one last thing. We aren't asking you to copy and paste this shite onto your profiles, we just want you to read it and maybe heed it.
On FanFiction, a member devotes their time and effort into composing work to upload. They don't do this for payment, but for fun, and for the merit and recognition of the work. For every piece of fanfiction you read, there is a person who put time and effort into writing it. This site gives you the opportunity to provide input. Even if you feel that you have no criticism to provide, surely a thank you is in order. If you've actually gone and read the entire chapter, the author has provided a service to you, without asking for anything.
Go for it. Especially if you've listed a work one of your 'favourites', then doesn't it go without saying that the author deserves a thank you? Or a review of any sort at all whatsoever? If you read fanfiction, please review it.
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