I can't help but wonder, why is it that we all take the time to fill these things out? We waste valuable time attempting to be witty and represent ourselves in a supposedly unique fashion, when in the end we all just tell the same stupid jokes over and over again. In light of this recent observation of our Fanfiction authors' collective stumble into endless monotony, I have decided to do the exact same thing.

...or not.

Haha, gotcha.

So what's up, ladies and gents? I'm Zesty Crouton, your favorite salad decoration, here to spice up your reading life. I could go on with various other zesty metaphors, but I try not to astound and amaze people too much after we've just met.

Anyway, there's really only a couple of things you should know about me:

I am, in fact, a guy. Please stop addressing me otherwise. I know, I'm beautiful, but that doesn't mean I'm female. I'm sorry.

If I said I liked your story, and bothered to review, then you should know that your story is pretty flippin' spectacular. I'm way too lazy to toss out reviews that don't say anything other than 'good job'. Besides, that's not doing anyone any favors.

As a writer, I really appreciate reviews (obviously), but most especially the ones that complain about something in my stories that bothers them. I like these reviews the best because one: it gives me a chance to improve my writing, and two: it shows that my readers actually care. And after all, I'm doing this for you. Do you know how hard it is for a couple pieces of glorified stale bread like me to type?! Not easy, people. Not. Easy.

My stories!

1, The one I can't remember the title of: Was deleted due to plot holes and lack of...interest in story line.

2. Since You've Been Gone: Wow. If there was ever an example of writing I didn't like, it'd be this. But hey, it was my first try, so give me a break! Besides, I still kinda like the idea...

3. Hit List: My first multi-chapter story. At this point in time, all that remains is the epilogue. Never fear, my readers; it is in the works and nearing completion. Basically, this story is my take on our favorite Zelda characters involved in a real-life tragedy; a school shooting. Dramatic, action-packed, and... wordy, it has nonetheless been my most popular story, so feel free to take a gander at it. However, since I started it when I was 16 then let it drop for a few years because I never thought I'd finish it, the writing style takes a drastic turn near the middle, as I've aged a bit, wised up some, improved my skills considerably (though they're far from perfect...), and actually hammered out my storyline, haha. I haven't gotten around to revamping the first couple chapters, though I mean to one day, so I hope my not-so-great writing in the beginning doesn't turn any of you away. It picks up, I promise! hahaha

4. Whispers in the Dark: Alright so... It was a song fic, based off of 'Whispers in the Dark' by Skillet. However, I didn't post the lyrics on the actual story because I'd been told that doing so was now banned... or something... It kinda took away from it, but I posted it anyway. Looking back, I really wanna re-write it, and flesh it out a bit more, but chances are I never will because I'm far too lazy to take such initiative.

5. A Little Carried Away: Ah, finally... I post a story I don't think is terrible five minutes after writing it... haha, but seriously. This story was my take on the struggle over the Triforce that so often permeates Zelda games. The irony being that I knew nothing of the whole 'timeline' debate before writing this. If you just pretend this takes place in a fictional future in which the timelines have been merged into one, it's all good. In any event, this oneshot actually used to be part of 'Hit List', but back in the days when I was afraid I'd never finish it, I ripped it out and embellished a great deal, switching out characters and making the scene at least 4 times it's original length. Still, the beginning of the scene is nearly the same as it is in Hit List, so I hope nobody hates on me too badly when they see it; it's not really plagiarism if I wrote it... right?

6. Oathkeeper: This was my first try at a Kingdom Hearts fic, and yes, it's the severely overdone theme of 'Sora and Kairi finally getting some alone time after saving the world' blah blah blah. But I needed something easy for my first one, to get me acclimated. Besides, I thought it turned out fairly well. I don't much like how it ended though, as it came out super-fluffy, but that's ok. And I like the idea of Kairi going through Sora's keychain collection, since the keychains themselves aren't really touched upon in the video game.

7. The Mime (Working Title) A Kingdom Hearts AU oneshot (Sora/Kairi) that I've nearly completed writing. I put off finishing it until I've sealed the deal on Hit List, but prepare for it to be up soon. Here's what I think the summary will be: 'Now I know what you're thinking- What kind of sick, twisted metaphor is that supposed to be?! Unfortunately, it's not a metaphor... I am, quite literally, trapped in a glass elevator... with a mime'

Also, I mainly write/read stories in the Zelda section, but I'm starting to branch out into other things... Mainly Kingdom Hearts. hahaha. Though I hope to get into some Fire Emblem later on, and who knows? Maybe even some books or something. I'm a diverse guy. Er... salad decoration.

At the moment, I've got 3 other one-shots in the works, but thus far none but the previously stated are nearing completion. I've been spending most of my time trying to get Hit List finished before the month's up. Hopefully afterwords, I'll be able to turn some time to the other three.

Favorite quotes on writing:

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. ~Baltasar Gracián

The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes. ~Agatha Christie

What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out of the window. ~Burton Rascoe

If I'm trying to sleep, the ideas won't stop. If I'm trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness. ~Carrie Latet

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. ~Unknown

Anyway... that's pretty much all. I mean, I could do what other authors do and post ridiculous lists about things I hate or things I love, or slap some copypasta in your faces, or post links to Live journal or Deviant art accounts that I don't have... but let's just face it. 90% of you probably haven't even read this far down. The other ten percent of you are creepers- That's right. I called you out. Now what? You wanna go? Bring it. I'll toss your salad any day.

Wait... that saying has nothing to do with salads, does it? Hmm... Maybe I've gone too far with the salad jokes... I'm just gonna end it here.

Thanks for perusing my profile. Hope you had fun. Have a nice day.

And remember, Keep it Zesty.

ZC