I can't help but wonder, why is it that we all take the time to fill these things out? We waste valuable time attempting to be witty and represent ourselves in a supposedly unique fashion, when in the end we all just tell the same stupid jokes over and over again. In light of this recent observation of our Fanfiction authors' collective stumble into endless monotony, I have decided to do the exact same thing.

So what's up, ladies and gents? I'm Zesty Crouton, your favorite salad decoration, here to spice up your reading life. I could go on with various other zesty metaphors, but I try not to astound and amaze people too much after we've just met.

Anyway, there's really only a couple of things you should know about me:

I am, in fact, a guy. Please stop addressing me otherwise. I know, I'm beautiful, but that doesn't mean I'm female. I'm sorry.

If I said I liked your story, and bothered to review, then you should know that your story is pretty flippin' spectacular. I'm way too lazy to toss out reviews that don't say anything other than 'good job'. Besides, that's not doing anyone any favors.

As a writer, I really appreciate reviews (obviously), but most especially the ones that complain about something in my stories that bothers them. I like these reviews the best because one: it gives me a chance to improve my writing, and two: it shows that my readers actually care. And after all, I'm doing this for you. Do you know how hard it is for a couple pieces of glorified stale bread like me to type?! Not easy, people. Not. Easy.

Also, this leafy ornamentation happens to be bilingual, so if any of y'alls wants to talk to me in Portuguese, feel free. I'd type this message in Portuguese to demonstrate, but my keyboard is american and I'm too lazy to change it right now.

My stories!

1. Hit List: My first multi-chapter story. Basically, this story is my take on our favorite Zelda characters involved in a real-life tragedy; a school shooting. Dramatic, action-packed, and... wordy, it has nonetheless been my most popular story, so feel free to take a gander at it.

2. A Little Carried Away: Ah, finally... I post a story I don't think is terrible five minutes after writing it... haha, but seriously. This story was my take on the struggle over the Triforce that so often permeates Zelda games. The irony being that I knew nothing of the whole 'timeline' debate before writing this. If you just pretend this takes place in a fictional future in which the timelines have been merged into one, it's all good. In any event, this oneshot actually used to be part of 'Hit List', but back in the days when I was afraid I'd never finish it, I ripped it out and embellished a great deal, switching out characters and making the scene at least 4 times it's original length. Still, the beginning of the scene is nearly the same as it is in Hit List, so I hope nobody hates on me too badly when they see it; it's not really plagiarism if I wrote it... right?

3. Oathkeeper: This was my first try at a Kingdom Hearts fic, and yes, it's the severely overdone theme of 'Sora and Kairi finally getting some alone time after saving the world' blah blah blah. But I needed something easy for my first one, to get me acclimated. Besides, I thought it turned out fairly well. I don't much like how it ended though, as it came out super-fluffy, but that's ok. And I like the idea of Kairi going through Sora's keychain collection, since the keychains themselves aren't really touched upon in the video game.

4. From the Dust: The long-awaited sequel to Hit List. A year has passed since the Ordon High shooting, and Link comes up with the idea to go on a class field trip to Castleton's Museum of National History on the anniversary in an attempt to get the student's minds off of the shooting. As it just so happens, this year is the 300th anniversary of the Hero of Time festival, and the museum's totally revamped their premises to honor the many myths and legends that have helped to shape the Hyrule that they now live in. However, what starts as a normal class trip turns into a disaster as the history Link and his friends have come to celebrate threatens to make them a part of it. Introduces Marin and Groose as main characters, as well as Dark Link, Skullkid, Majora's Mask, Ghirahim, Navi, Tatl, Tael, Tingle, the Happy Mask Salesman, and a slew of other Zelda characters. Officially finished!

5. The Mime: A one-shot I cooked up for Kingdom Hearts; basically, Sora, in a bid to earn some extra money so he can buy a decent engagement ring and propose to his girlfriend, Kairi, has entered himself into a contest: see who can stay the longest inside of a glass elevator. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it would be, were it not for the fact that one of his competitors happens to be a master of quadratic encapsulation... that's right. A mime. Luckily, Sora's got friends on the outside willing to help him out. For a one-shot, it's actually pretty long (as are most of the things I write... eek.), but it's a generally fun, light-hearted tale. Definitely worth a read.

6. I'll Walk With You: This one... kinda came outta nowhere, inspired by the amazingness that was BotW. A series of loosely connected one-shots following the ending of BotW focusing heavily on Link and Zelda and their lives as they move forward. Also complete!

Timeline Mini-Series

This is basically an idea that I had for a story, that I scrapped to post individual chapters as one-shots, that I then changed my mind and wanted to finish so I'm now linking said one-shots together under a blanket sort of 'mini-series' title. Essentially, these stories are my personal take on how Link and Zelda's relationships function in or after every game; operating under the assumption that they do, in fact, reincarnate, I'm taking a look at in which lives I think they get together, in which lives they don't, in which lives they're estranged, etc. It's more interesting than it sounds, I promise.

Eventual entries will include: SS, MC, OoT (one for the AT ending, and one for the CT ending), ALttP, WW, LoZ/AoL, TP, ALBW, 4SA, ST, and BotW.

Also, these need not be read in any particular order, nor do you have to read all of them for any one to make sense. Every one of these can stand alone. However, if you're looking for a starting place, the Skyward Sword story ('In This Life or Any Other') is the most logical place to begin. Again, though, it doesn't actually matter.

7. Constellations: A one-shot between Link and Tetra as our favorite captain distracts Link from his late night lookout duty to talk about the stars. Post-WW.

8. When Twilight Falls: A one-shot between Link and Zelda as the two watch the sunset and reflect on their lives. Post-TP.

9. A Place to Call Home: A one-shot detailing Link returning to Hyrule several years after the events of MM, and coming to terms with a Hyrule where he's been forgotten. Post-MM (obviously).

10. Ashes: A one-shot focusing on Zelda and her thoughts in the moments after she's returned Link to his childhood. Post-OoT (in the AT ending.)

11. In This Life or Any Other: A one-shot in which Link and Zelda discuss life after death and the ties that bind them together. Post-SS. THIS ONE SHOULD PROBABLY BE READ FIRST, BUT IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BIG A DEAL.

12. Romio and Julietta: A year after the events of the game, Zelda has decided to volunteer herself and Link to babysit Romio and Julietta's pets, Rolf and Scratcher, while the couple is out enjoying the festival. She has an ulterior motive, however; she wants to get the animals to get over their hatred of one another so that Romio and Julietta no longer have any excuses and can finally get married. Unfortunately, the animals aren't as fond of her idea as she is, and escape. Chaos ensues. Post-MC.

13. Portrait of a Moment: A one-shot based upon an in-game quote from 'The Rumor Guy', about how Zelda sneaks away every night to stare at a painting of a past Hero and Princess embracing. Post-ALBW.

14. Full Steam Ahead: Perhaps not the most creative title... a (long) short story set several years after the events of Spirit Tracks, in which Link and Zelda take a ride and discuss their futures. And then pirates attack, because why not? I dunno, I just really wanted to write a fight scene. It's been a while.

15. It Takes a Village: Another BotW story, though not related in any way to 'I'll Walk With You'. This one is also rather long, and deals with Link taking Zelda to live with him in Hateno while the two struggle to deal with the traumas she endured during her 100-year imprisonment with the Calamity.

16. Shorelines: Probably the last of my Timeline entries, this one is post-ALttP/LA. A short one detailing Link returning to Hyrule to speak with Zelda about the events of LA and his struggles to come to grips with loss.

-My lovely reader ThisIsANiceName has gone out of her way to illustrate various aspects of From the Dust on her Deviantart account.

-- For her concept art of the various races, click here. http:///art/Races-of-Hyrule-From-the-Dust-538254855

-- For a group shot of the protagonists, click here. http:///art/From-the-Dust-Character-Line-Up-539084226?q=gallery&qo=1

-- For a stunning drawing of Marin from my story, click here http:///art/From-the-Dust-Marin-Gull-553178406

(Apparently, links no longer work on FF... I don't know why this is. Regardless, her account name on Deviantart is dattebayo34, so go check her out!)

Stories that are either completely planned out or mostly planned out that could seriously start any day if people expressed interest in them!

A. Generations: My first, and likely only, Pokemon story. Mostly written because I've only found like two Pokemon stories that I enjoyed and wanted to help out the fandom, this story is my take on the omnipresent question: ...Yo, where the flip is Ash's dad?, though it covers way more than that. Tagline is as follows- 'The Champion. The Hero. The Best There Ever Was. The world had many names for the famous Ash Ketchum, but to AJ he'd always just be the father she'd never known.' Contains much plot and character awesomeness, equal to or greater than From the Dust, and I'm actually really excited to start it. Y'know, assuming I ever get around to it. Sorta AU, but more like 'all the universes combined together in the most logical way I could think of'... which I guess means AU.

B. In a World All Our Own: A Zelda story that, while fully fleshed out, I'm still unsure if I'll actually publish. Not that it's bad, it just shares certain similarities to Hit List, though not in the ways you may be thinking. It's a post-apocalyptic take on Zelda, and the tagline is as follows- 'The street lamps flickered, the traffic signals changed from green to red, and yet the only thing to be heard for miles was the sound of his relentless footsteps. What do you do when the world ends... but forgets to tell you?' AU. I'm considering turning this into an indirect sequel to HL/FtD, set in the future of the same universe and featuring new incarnations of Link and Zelda, as well as a slew of other supporting characters, some new, some familiar, all Zelda.

C. The Great MMO-OMG: Working title that I just happen to find hilarious. A Kingdom Hearts story that actually stems from my deep dissatisfaction with .Hack// and Sword Art Online. Taking the old adage to heart, 'if no one else will... write what you want to write' (paraphrased), I decided, as per suggestion from a friend of mine, to re-write that story the way I think it should have gone. Don't be fooled, it's very different than .Hack//, but is essentially about an MMO video game called 'Kingdom Hearts', and is also quite epically planned, if I do say so myself. I don't have a tagline yet... though I don't know why, cause the story's ready to be written. That being said, the world has been completely inundated with 'trapped in video game' type stories as of late, so... This one won't ever likely see the light of day unless I see enough interest in it. AU

D. Hey, I'm in the Band: Another Kingdom Hearts story, this one is about a struggling rock outfit that, in desperation, decides to hire the step-brother of a band member and his potentially insane best friend, aka Sora and Xion, to fill in the missing slots in their band so they can finish out a tour after a nasty public scandal forces them to fire their drummer and bassist. However, when the band continues to fail and personalities collide, Sora decides to turn the band on its head and spin them in a new direction, causing chaos, hilarity, romance, drama, violence, action, adventure, and a whole lot of epic rock. This story isn't fully finished, but it's nearly complete. AU.

Also, I mainly write/read stories in the Zelda section, but I'm starting to branch out into other things... Mainly Kingdom Hearts. hahaha. Though I hope to get into some Fire Emblem later on, and who knows? Maybe even some books or something. I'm a diverse guy. Er... salad decoration.

Favorite quotes on writing:

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. Baltasar Gracián

The best time for planning a book is while you're doing the dishes. Agatha Christie

What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out of the window. Burton Rascoe

If I'm trying to sleep, the ideas won't stop. If I'm trying to write, there appears a barren nothingness. Carrie Latet

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing. Unknown

Anyway... that's pretty much all. I mean, I could do what other authors do and post ridiculous lists about things I hate or things I love, or slap some copypasta in your faces, or post links to Live journal or Deviant art accounts that I don't have... but let's just face it. 90% of you probably haven't even read this far down. The other ten percent of you are creepers- That's right. I called you out. Now what? You wanna go? Bring it. I'll toss your salad any day.

Wait... that saying has nothing to do with salads, does it? Hmm... Maybe I've gone too far with the salad jokes... I'm just gonna end it here.

Anybody want to get ahold of me outside of this website? My email is zestycrouton@.

Thanks for perusing my profile. Hope you had fun. Have a nice day.

And remember, Keep it Zesty.

ZC