"Humanity is a parade of fools, and I'm at the front of it, twirling a baton."

"That would be so cool if it weren't about to hurt us,"

"Ow, That tickles." -Me

“Save the Earth! It's the only planet with chocolate!”

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

"The nice part of being a pessimist is that your either constantly proven right or pleasantly surprised."

"You know the best way to double your money? Fold it and put it in your pocket."

"Why do you want to sacrifice your own life to give other people trouble?" -Wendy from Gun X Sword

"I'm Sadistic! I'm Insane ! I'm the spawn of Satan!" -Me

"You only found that I'm a pyro now?." - My sis

"My sister is a sadistic spawn of Satan. If she ever gets married, I pity her husband." -My sister talking about me.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

Do you ever find it interesting that the word 'politics' is made up of the word "poli" which is Latin for ticks, and tics as in thirsty, bloodsucking creatures?

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

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Stop the Pairing Wars!

By copying and pasting this into your profile, you vow to respect other pairings and people whom like them.

You shalt not insult them, explain why they can't be together, or say that they would rather be with someone else.

You shalt have your opinions but shalt not insult pairings. You shalt avoid them if you hate them.

You shalt keep an open mind about stories even if you despise the pairing.

You shalt paste this in your profile.

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Plans to stalk Riordan until the House of Hades
FO