I am Anon42, one amongst many, and consumate reader of fanfiction since a hundred years ago. As well as a scandinavian barbarian, but I don't have much use for my poor old axe these days...
Having a profile and filling it with various miscellaneous stuff seems to be the norm, so I thought, why not go with the flow? When in Rome, do as the Romans do and all that.
According to D&D, I am a True Neutral Human Sorcerer. Interpret that as you will.
Why is there so much goddamned crap on this site these days? Seriously people, what the hell? Just because you can write some horrible witch's brew of fail and suck doesn't mean you should, much less inflict it on everybody else. And yes, I recognize the fact that my own fics would be considered to be fail and suck, which is precisely why I do not post them!
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Pet Peeves: I'm a simple man, so I'll keep this simple.
Bad Grammar/Spelling: This is the ruin of many a would-be fanfic and is akin to the cancer and AIDS of FFnet.
Walls of Text: Don't do it. It gives readers headaches and is appreciated by no one.
Gratitious Japanese: While your grasp of Japanese is to be commended, kindly remember that not all of us know the art of moonspeak. Please stick to the Queen's English.
OOCness of Characters: This is hard, I know, but please do some character research before you write. It will improve the quality of your work.
Self-Insertion: 99.98% of all SI fics are crap. Simple as that. This is for masters only.
Slash/Yuri: Your mileage may vary. If you like it, fine. If you don't like it, that's fine too. Me? I don't like it, I don't want to read about it, and I wish FFnet would introduce a slash/yaoi filter. And that's fine too.
Male Pregnancy/MPREG: No. Just... No. I find this to be hideously repugnant and I wouldn't touch the subject with a hundred foot pole.
To use the words of another guy, whose name I do not know: I hate the moronic yaoi fics, especially those written without even a little bit of thought or consideration, like 'X and Y are a couple and love each other because I SAID SO! And they look cute together cuz they're hawt and smexy omg!' despite the characters most evidently not being gay and disliking/hating/etc each other. Or fics turning 100 percent (or damn nearly so) of the male cast gay. But what I really hate are the the m-preg ones. What are the... people... writing them ON?!
And as a finisher...: Q. Discord. Any character that possesses godlike powers with no equal, are unstoppable and invincible and probably omniscient in some form as well. They are also likely to have shitty attitudes and probably like to gloat and look down on all the puny mortals. They cannot be beaten without the Villain-Beating Artifact, Deus ex Machina or some other Applied Phlebotinum (if they can be beaten at all!). And even then, it often only works because the character in question has been made to hold the Idiot Ball.
These characters, I hate with a fiery passion. They CAN and HAVE been done well, but most of the time, they suck flaming balls and should be thrown into an exploding volcano FOREVER.
My favorite fandoms are, in a vaguely chronological order:
The Wheel of Time
Full Metal Alchemist
Mahou Sensei Negima
Chronicles of the Cursed Sword
Favorite Authors of all Time
Bloodreaver Alpha, one of the most arrogant, yet utterly awesome authors on this whole damn site.
I can only wish I was made of half as much Epic Win as this guy is.
Author's Note: To the reviewer Krillian, please sign in next time you review – thanks for your review, but when I want to get in touch with the reviewers, it's difficult to do so when they review anonymously. To answer your question regarding Naruto and Kirabi, let's just say that Jiraiya is going to regret sending Naruto to Kumo, though not for the reasons that probably come to mind first.
To everyone else, some info – I know that I have a lot of loose ends already, and I actually got a review from Hidden Among the Crows who was concerned that I might have made this story 'too complex'. People, I THRIVE on complexity. I am an intellectual myself; I'm a bibliophile, a literary glutton of the first degree, a graduate of the University of Exeter (Streatham Campus) where I double-premiered in Computer Science and Business Economics and graduated with honours. I build computers for fun; I'm a home-grown freelance computer trouble-shooter for two local businesses, as well as for my own business. I can actually work the words 'execrable' and 'diphthong' into a conversation and not sound like a pompous arse. I say this with justifiable pride and even some arrogance: I am a genius, and my intelligence quotient of 188 backs that up admirably.
I tell you this now because I am not going to shy away from dragging you down several simultaneous literary roads. I'm going to take great pleasure in pulling your brain in eight or nine separate directions before I release and watch it snap back like a rubber-band. I have great plans for this story, one of which is to make it two-hundred-fifty-thousand words at LEAST, and somewhere around one hundred chapters in length, if not MORE.
You're all in for a bit of a ride, so strap yourself in and enjoy it.
On a slightly more humble note, thank you to the very few readers who have actually reviewed this story. It's frustrating to see shorter, vastly inferior stories with 600 reviews and to compare that with my current tally (as of this writing) of 34. I buoy my sagging ego, healthy otherwise it may be, with the singular concept that this is proof of quality over quantity.
And then I remember that most of the readers on FF dot net are a bunch of mindless, self-serving twats without the slightest inkling as to what actually constitutes 'quality'. So fuck you, you tossers, and let me write.
And I now introduce... LightningHunter's Rant! (If you dislike profanity, you might not want to read this.)
Dear people, if you are reading this, then you are either very bored and decided to read my profile, or you love reading anything by me, even a rant. Hmm...most likely the former.
What I dislike most about fanfiction is the unimaginable load of shit you get on this site. I'm not hitting at the site, they merely let other people view it.
One thing, bad grammar and spelling. If you can't write, don't. You make yourself look like a stupid little fuck who can't do anything. Have you ever read a book where they spell badly? No? Have a think why. Because no one would read it. Those who do read your badly written fics are the ones who think the fic could be good, or just read anything, or enjoys laughing at retard writers. And don't go bitching about how you need a beta. You don't need a beta to check grammar and spelling, just get a decent word processor and use a bloody spellcheck!
Second, the unimaginable OCness of characters. Thousands of fics, and don't try to bitch to me and say it's not true, because every character becomes OC nowadays, or self-inserts with the names of characters. If you have a solid storyline that proves their OCness, (e.g. for some reason we don't know, Itachi never slaughtered his Clan, so Sasuke isn't all angsty. That's all right, just give a legible reason to why Itachi never slaughtered his Clan). Fanfiction is things that would never happen usually, but you're not being a fan if you screw up characters.
Third, no originality. Every time I go through -or perhaps, a better word would be, sift through the loads of shit on the pages, to find every now and then a rare gem, I always discover countless things like "Sasuke's long lost sister" or "Naruto meets Kyuubi who makes him strong". Admittably, I used to conform to this, but that was when I was an unexperienced writer. My fics are bad, I admit it, but what sickens me is that those bastards think their shitty fics are good and then write even more, influencing more...Slash is the same really. Naruto is clearly straight as shown so many times, yet a bunch of yaoi fangirls start having orgasms about Naru/Sasu pairings. Now, if you said Orochimaru is gay, well that's a completely different story.
Fourth, Mpreg (also known as a load of shit). I'll make this short, as I could write about two pages describing how wrong it is. Let's start the list of is anything right about it? Oh wait, it's empty. Mpreg is something made up by a bunch of disgusting people because they get their jollies by thinking of men giving birth to babies out of their arses, even though it is impossible. Let me say that again. I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. I'd like to shoot- no wait, that's illegal now, isn't it...hmm, hire people to shoot the sickos who started this revolting load of shit. I'm sure that's thrilling to the fic kids who have been made by this load of shit. "Oh look at me! I was born from a man's arse! And then he shitted after me because I gave him constipation! But it's cool, right!" Heck, if I was a fanfic-kid who'd been born from that load of shit, I'd shoot myself. No wait, I'd shoot the two men responsible, then shoot myself. The sickos who write mpreg are a bunch of psychos who self-harm for attention, rape younger siblings, get raped by their older relatives, and think the moon is made of cheese, suffer from strange deranged phobias (usually of people who could shoot them for their load of shit) and have the mental capabilities of a retarded slug which enjoys salt.
Fifth, when countless slash fics block up the pages of fanfics. I'm straight, and I can understand that some people are gay and enjoy these fics, or you're straight and like slash fics of the opposing sex (hehehehehe), but when you see things like "SLASH! SMUT! PLZ READ!" I contemplate the mental capacity of these authors and wonder if their supervisors know they've broken out of their strait-jackets and have access to the asylum's computers and Internet.
Sixth, when people say "I suck at summaries". If you can't write about three lines, it hardly looks good for your skill at writing a fic. A title is hard, if you want something poetic. A summary doesn't need to be poetic. It needs to be interesting, and summarise your fic. If you can't do that, don't write the fic, assholes. Or if you say, summary sucks but story is good, that means to me, a warning of a crap story.
Seventh, high school fics. Ah yes, I've been waiting to do this one. It is written by a bunch of schoolgirls (or schoolboys on occasion) who think of all their woes in high school, and because of their IQ, which is of course, as smart as a dead hamster (no wait, don't insult the dead hamster. I'm sure it could out-think this lot anyday) they suddenly have the "bright" idea that they should put their favourite characters into this position. Eh, no. You've destroyed everything about these characters, taking away personalities, taking away any special powers, taking away their entire histories and lives. They are now a bunch of self-inserts and OCs. You cannot even say these are your favourite characters, as you have ruined them...you selfish bitches. As well as that, now people are like "The King of this Land" and the "Brave Knight" or "vampire" fics. I mean, come on, get a fucking life you useless shit-eating, raping, muggers that can't even steal candy from a baby.
Eighth, bad romance fics. Yes, something I occasionally guilty of (or will be, perhaps). For example "How could I have not noticed how pretty/beautiful/hot/sexy she was?" Any fic that has that, is clearly not worth reading. Unless that character is blind, and of course they can't notice. Although, then they can't notice now either, unless they've been cured-which of course is something you must explain properly how they were cured. As well as this, the remarkable bad-ness of the majority of Naru/Hina fics and Sasu/Saku fics. The majority of Naru/Hina is either Hinata somehow cracks and gains confidence, or Naruto suddenly notices her attraction. Which, as we all know from their characters, will never happen. Sasu/Saku fics tend to be that Sasuke always liked Sakura, but wanted to stay away so Itachi wouldn't kill her as well. Did Itachi ever say he would? No, you stupid ass-kissers. It's also funny how Naruto's crush on Sakura is dismissed as a crush, when Sakura's crush on Sasuke is clearly "true love". What a load of bullshit. They are almost equal, and to say one is a crush, then the other is. In fact, Sakura's crush is even more pathetic, as Sasuke isn't even part of the bloody village no more. And let me tell you, most Naru/Hina and Sasu/Saku fics are written by those fangirls who remember their own shitty lovelife and remember what it was to be an unpopular girl to have a crush on a popular boy. In fact, the general crushes in Naruto are usually just used as comedy, so don't wear away your filthy fingers typing shit onto the computer.
Ninth, the rest of the shit. Things like: Kyuubi was put under a genjutsu by Orochimaru or was tricked by Orochimaru to attack Leaf. Kyuubi is a frickin' demon. Isn't Kyuubi smart enough to not be fooled by Orochimaru, or maybe because thousands of Leaf nin couldn't stop Kyuubi, that means Orochimaru could control it. Or Orochimaru killed the Uchiha Clan and framed Itachi. Bullshit generally. Orochimaru could have easily gotten his hands on an Uchiha then, so he would have needed Sasuke. In fact, he probably could have gone for Itachi, who wasn't as strong as he was yet. What's up with this Anti-Orochimaru-ness? I mean, I don't like him either, but there's no point on blaming him for everything. What a kind of an unoriginal donkey-raping shit eater would do something like that?
Tenth, ruining pairings. You know that. People are ruining pairings by writing shit. I once thought pairings like NarutoxAnko and NarutoxKurenai was interesting and original, but now people are just chucking them together. In fact, I really hate it now when people just give Naruto a harem, make him super-strong, and write a lot of lemons. Okay, I know now some of you are thinking I've gone gay, but I haven't. It really sickens me when people just gain so much popularity for just writing a fic which is made entirely from a bad storyline and highly detailed sex scenes, usually receiving countless reviews from excited thirteen-year-olds who like to jerk off to the imagery (urgh, nasty mental images). I mean, who gets excited by READING about porn?! The Internet's full of the stuff, don't waste your time here. And if you come here to read about your favourite anime/manga characters getting laid by other favourite anime/manga characters, look for that kind of porn, as long as you're not here! PISS OFF! By the way, yes, I do know there are several authors who can write romance and lemons well, and I'm not insulting them, just the fuckers who write as many sex scenes as possible just to gain readers. Sometimes it's used for humour, and some authors can do that well. But still, there are even more authors who can't do that.
Eleventh, self-inserts, or putting people from the "real world" into Naruto. Just, just...JUST DIE! FUCK OFF DAMN IT! LEAVE THE SANE PEOPLE ALONE! No one would react in such a manner that you get even if it did happen (which would defy every law of science and reality). Hell, Naruto's an animated world! What would that look like if you did enter it?! Tossers! Besides, the people wouldn't know how to perform jutsu, how to do any skill at all?! They'd been whining about how they'd like to go home! And what are the odds of them ending up in Konoha any way? JUST DIE, YOU STUPID BITCHES!
Twelth, to those who are pissed at me because I insulted their fics in this rant. Fuck you. I don't really give a shit, because I consider my duty to piss people like you off.
Ozz, the Awesome Knight of Rules of Fanfiction Failure, will now speak. Hearken unto his words and listen well.
Not every time. Not all the time. But in most cases, the following should serve as a guide on how not to fail at writing fanfiction in nearly any genre you care to tackle. Sure, there are always exceptions to the rule, but if you have to ask yourself if you're that exception, then you probably aren't and should defer to the advice below. For those who have stumbled across this before, I've edited this introduction to be a fraction more professional in nature and slightly less abrasive, but you can still blame my overuse of the word 'fail' on DCG.
1) Your summary fails. It really does. This is the hook, your foot in the door. Avoid asking your readers questions here and avoid references to other parts of said fic. "What if Ranma fell into the world of Mario and saved the princess?" HE'LL EXPLODE INTO GOOEY CHUNKS AND SHOWER THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM WITH CRIMSON RAIN, DROWNING TURTLES AND PLUMBERS ALIKE IN A LAKE OF MARTIAL ARTS CARNAGE. Seriously, don't give your reader a chance to answer that question themselves. Next time you read a summary that's formed into a question, please remember the above reply. Secondly, such summaries impart no useful information to your audience. Likewise, "Continuing from part five, review my ass please" is similarly annoying. Hey genius, I didn't read part one. What's that about again? Convince me I should take the time to read chapter 1 before even considering part five. Be creative, give them a little bite of what to expect. Most entertaining is "I'm bad at summaries." The amount of fail in that statement could light Crystal Tokyo for a couple hundred years and encourages nobody to read your fic.
2) Your Grammar/Spelling fails. This is a direct indication of how much you care about your fic, and therefore how much we as readers should care about the fic. Every time you fail miserably at this, Chuck Norris kills a kitten. What's worse, you know you're failing and release the fic anyway. Don't cry when you get reamed by your reviewers. Why you aren't molesting the spell/grammar check function at a minimum is beyond me.
3) Your Plot Bludgeons fail. What is a plot bludgeon? You know, those pieces of information you impart on readers so obvious it hurts to read. An example of one I recently encountered-- Ukyo was really a flat chested man, unwraps himself to reveal that fact and say, "heheh, I can't believe I keep fooling them!" ...And i would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those darn kids. Okay, so you want to get a point across to the reader. Great. But very rarely is there call to light your plot point up as a huge neon lit Las Vegas strip sign. Learn subtlety. Weave it naturally into the story. Ranma is a genius! Great, but tell me a story about it, not as an outright fact. Exceptions do exist, though most don't apply to you anyway.
4) Your obscure plot fails. Big rule... The more obscure/complex your plot is, the more it needs built up through detail and story telling. Likewise, the more important an event is in that plot, the more attention you need to pay it. Glossing over critical events is not allowed. Zap! Ranma is a female permanently now and feels suicidal. Huh? What? Ranma got mad and killed his father for all the injustices visited upon him. Whoa there, Tex. Might want to tell us what triggered that rampage or what led up to the critical events that you insist require only one sentence of explanation. If you have something weird going on, your readers might like to know some basic information... Like who, what, why, how, where, some history, motivations, etc...
5) Your Dialogue fails. This mainly pertains to the structuring of said dialogue, not the content. The Pope will visit you tonight and rape your keyboard if you ever post a page full of dialogue without framing and context again. Don't assume your reader knows who's talking. Tell them who is talking. If you're feeling frisky, tell them how that character feels when they're talking. maybe the expressions on their face. What they're doing. Dialogue is like a picture... It needs a frame if you're going to hang it on the wall properly. Of course, you could just nail it up there, but that's why you fail.
6) Your Shallow characters fail. Believe it or not, not everybody has read your favorite series. I KNOW! It's tough to swallow, but it's true. Take a moment to tell us a bit about their appearance. Detail their mannerisms though story telling. Sure, you can assume that if they're reading in a certain section they probably have at least basic knowledge of the series, but frankly that's a poor excuse not to embellish your characters with detail and depth. Sure, everybody knows who Optimus Prime is (did I just use him as an example? Yeck), but your story will fail less if you paint him in color instead of black and white.
7) Your short chapters fail. Hardcore. Mainly, because they give you very little space to impart critical plot and/or knowledge to the reader, forcing you to condense a lot of information into a short blurb. This normally leads to failures 2 through 6. Similarly, you drag out scenes that really should be combined into one flowing work. For example, watching Ranma wallow in angst for several short chapters while not really taking the story anywhere is not fun. It's like watching an episode of Dragonball Z once a week. It's excruciating.
8) Your derivative plot fails. Wheee! Ranma loses his memory after being locked as a female! Most readers are not opposed to this on average, but before you go thinking you're Stephen King, remember two things: He's dead, and assume it's been done before and buy a six pack of originality down at the corner 7-11. Your story/chapter needs a hook, no matter how good it is. Just because it has been done doesn't mean you shouldn't try your hand at it, but do your research on the competition before you just dive right in.
9) Your reviewers fail. Actually, no they don't. They're entitled to their opinion. Don't get defensive and don't argue with them because you're inherently insecure about your work. Self-confidence is required when facing your reviewers and actually debating their opinion on your work is bad taste. Honestly, why did you even bother posting in the first place? If you're writing for enjoyment, they shouldn't matter anyway. If you're writing to improve yourself, take notes. Nothing says insecurity and ass like a running review war. Yes, reviewers CAN be wrong, but so what? Arguing with them is a waste of your time anyway.
10) Your Alterverse fails. What do you get when you strip your main character of his canon personality, kill off all the supporting cast and send him off into another crossover series? You get one big bucket of suck. Any story where you can replace the main character with the name "Ed" and not know the difference automatically fails nine times out of ten. Do yourself a favor and assume you aren't that tenth time. Why did you even bother choosing that character and series to begin with if you were just going to piss all over the story and abandon it next chapter? Ha ha ha! Ranma doesn't have a curse, lost all his memories to the neko-ken and has been training with Bruce Lee in the cyber-wars of 2010! O.o' Of course that's ridiculous sounding, but its amazing how many aspiring authors totally divorce the characters from their original canon so completely. The sooner you accept the fact that you should scrub these fics from your hard drive with a brillo pad, the better.
11) Your Cause and Effect fails. Logical continuity will save plots that have no right being saved. Even yours. Thinking things through to their most logical conclusion is the hallmark of a well written story; as opposed to just going with a theme that sounds good and plowing though cause and effect like a semi plowing through a 30 car pile-up. When you're writing up a plot device, think the consequences of that path through and write the story around those consequences. Outlandish plot points are fine toward this end. You want Naruto to be a sexy demon slayer? Great! But think over. How you get there will make or break your fic, and generally the most easily explainable means toward that end are the best ones. Ask cause and effect questions at every stage of your fic. For every decision your character makes. For every action that happens in their proximity. Treat them as real people. How will they react? The more you have to justify those reactions and the more outlandish they sound, the more you are failing at it. This failure not only runs hand in hand with Fanfiction Failure #4, but has far reaching consequences in other failures at well.
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