Snarfette
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Joined 12-25-10, id: 2670851, Profile Updated: 01-09-11
Author has written 2 stories for Marathon, and Doom.

Welcome to SNARFETTE'S FanFiction.net account!

Snarfette is a Space Nazi Android Robot (SNARF), with over three hundred years of experience in the activity that Terrans know as "writing fanfics". "She" came to Earth around 2250, and immediately fell in love with the local culture of fanfics. It is estimated "she" has written over 17,000 fics, just in the last month!

"Her" writing philosophy is complex, and includes:

Quantity over quality;
* Strong characters such as invincible Marty Stus: cold, unresponding and inaccessible;
* Extraordinarily poor grammar;
* Run-on sentences;
* Nonsensical or nonexistant plots;
* Fervent misogyny, as she finds human women repulsive and believes Snarfs to be the only worthwhile romantic pursuit for human males;
* Strict lack of any adherence to characters as originally conceived in the works "she" was inspired by;
* Clear ignorance of any and all subject matters;
* Extreme violence;
* Stulted, awkward sex scenes clearly written by someone who's never experienced the thrill of intercourse;
* Blatant community trolling.

Some praise that Snarfette has received, at least the ones that aren't the instantaneous, violent death of the person or people reading the fic themselves (something "she" regards as a strange compliment from the strange Earth culture):
* "MiSTifyingly bad!"
* "The Eye of Argon and My Immortal have breeded. Run for your lives."
* "I gave The Collected Snarfette Writings to my worst enemy. Two days later, at his closed-casket funeral, I understood what the commander of the Enola Gay felt when dropping the atomic bomb."
* "If anyone could distill the pure essence of death into writing, it is Snarfette."
* "The equivalent of an ancient cosmic horror [...] to gaze upon it is to go insane."
* "A fascist gun nut that takes everything too seriously and deserves only la- wait, this is a blurb for WHO?"

Most famous is this resounding endorsement by the former Pope, shortly before quitting and turning into the world's foremost atheist:
* "Snarfette's works have literally scared the Jesus out of me."

In this account, we'll be presenting what have been focus-tested as the best Snarfette fanfics ever written, or at least, the only ones that our focus test group survived.

All fanfics are presented "as such", whereas everything technically mistaken is entirely intentional from the author, and part of her exotic charm!


THE RATING SCHEME

All of Snarfette's writings are categorized according to the average reaction of their readers, on a scale of ten.

Their meaning is as follows:

1/10 Discomfort, annoyance

2/10 Minor bouts of nausea in certain parts

3/10 Miscellaneous pains, severe nausea

4/10 Projectile vomit potential, severe pain

5/10 CATEGORIZED AS TORTURE: severe need for brain bleach, massive projectile vomiting, crushing pain and despair

6/10 CATEGORIZED AS HAZARDOUS MATERIAL: minor but irreversible body damage, typically reversible brain damage, rare instances of death

7/10 CATEGORIZED AS IMPROPER WEAPON: severe, irreversible body damage with a >50% chance of death; irreversible brain damage characterized by incoherent babbling intercut by screams of sheer agony. Rare moments of lucidity in which subjects beg for death

8/10 CATEGORIZED AS PROPER WEAPON: near-instant shutdown of major bodily functions, certainty of death, moderate chance of it being instant. Massive psychological damage on survival makes the instantly dead the lucky ones.

9/10 CATEGORIZED AS ANTIMATTER: instant thermonuclear-scale explosion of every cell in organism, with eradication of everything within 5-kilometer radius.

10/10 CATEGORIZED AS HELL: every single molecule of the body infinitely torn apart, an infinite pain to which there is no respite, not even death.

NOTICE: ALL fics rated 6/10 and above are severely restricted, and may not be distributed in any form!

That's it! "Enjoy"... and remember to come visit us at SNARFs! The Webcomic

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The Three Little Pinkies and the Big Bad Doomguy
It's the old Aesop fable, except with more typos and Doom characters.
Doom - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 383 - Published: 1/30/2011 - Complete
MarathonGuy Saves the Exmas reviews
Tycho sends evil clones of MarathonGuy to steal the celebration known as "Exmas". Gasp! Will our hero be able to beat two to one odds and save Exmas? How many Bobs will get it? Will there be alliterating alliteration?
Marathon - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,114 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 1/9/2011 - Cyborg, Tycho