Waffle of Doom
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Joined 04-04-08, id: 1543313, Profile Updated: 05-10-10
Author has written 10 stories for Twilight.

I'm a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle here is my... Well I’ll be damned. I'm a sugar bowl.

Hello everyone
Here's a little about the person behind the demented stories!

I'm 17,
And am a highschool graduate.

Here in the great state of Texas
(It's only really great October-May, otherwise it's too HOT)

I don't write a lot
And I find writing one story
Day after day
Week after week
Boring.

And because of that
I'm more of a 'oneshot' type of girl
I do, however, LOVE to read
And spend most of my time doing exactly that,
Whether it be a book,
Or the awesome fanfiction that everybody writes.

I also tend to ramble about random things
And think random things,
Which would explain my oneshots.

I listen to A LOT of music
Anything from Punk Rock to Pop to HipHop
And beyond

My favorite bands are Settings
And the Jonas Brothers
Weird combination, I know.

I used have a HUGE crush on the oldest
Paul Kevin Jonas II,
But, alas he's married...
Aw, well, there's still 2 more left.

I'm dating a French-Canadian,
Who's a hockey player,
And I can't undersatnd half of what he says.
But it works somehow...

That’s pretty much everything
If you like my stories
PLEASE REVIEW!

Favorite Movies- Jurassic Park (I love dinosaurs),Pirates of the Caribbean, Chronicles of Narnia, Ironman,Anger Management, The Dark Knight

Favorite Bands/Artists- Settings (look for them on myspace!), Jonas Brothers, Kevin Rudolf (LET IT ROCK!), Greenday, My Chemical Romance, Eminem, Fall Out Boy, Rooney, Tokio Hotel (but their lead singer creeps me out A LOT), Panic! at the Disco, Cobra Starship, All Time Low, Linkin Park,

Favorite Songs- Creatures & Impossible and Never Practical (Settings), Teenagers (My Chemical Romance), Goodnight and Goodbye , Inseparable & Take a Breath (Jonas Brothers), American Idiot (Greenday), Face Down (Red Jumpsuit Apparatus), When I'm Gone (Simple Plan), Beat It (Fall Out Boy), Mockingbird & Sing For The Moment (Eminem), The City Is At War (Cobra Starship), The Black Parade (My Chemical Romance)

Favorite Actors- Kyle Schmid(look him up, you won't regret it), Shia Lebuef, Ben Barnes (I giggle every time I see his picture and hear him talk), Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom (With him and Ben Barnes it's the accent that gets to me!), Adam Sandler, Jackson Rathbone, Kellen Lutz

Favorite Books- Twilight Series, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, House of Night series, Harry Potter Series, Jurassic Park (yep, it was a book first)

A note, if you have an idea for a funny oneshot that you want written please let me know, I could use some good ideas

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my stories,

I never actually thought anybody would like them!
Seriously, I'm in complete shock.

Dance from my story Music Lovin' Brothers

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fStMiwICEbI
(I personally think this dance is extremely sexy, especially this video of it,
and the pants, oh how I love the pants...)

Song from Chapter 7 of Shower Stories

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-iaqQ-mryg

Motivational Poster from Chapter 4 of Day of Reckoning

Song from Chapter 5 of Day of Reckoning

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEzh10_xoqw

Alice's Elf Costume from A Very Vampiric Christmas

Emmett's Santa Costume from A Very Vampiric Christmas (minus the beard)


I am a girl.
Harsh but vulnerable.
Sarcastic but silly.
Stupid but thoughtful.
Thorny but tender.
Funny but serious.
Loud but passive.
Dramatic but bland.
An open book.
Easy to love & easy to hate.
Klutzy but occasionally coordinated.
Independent, but dependent on friends.
An oxymoron
A muddling paradox
An unsolvable contradiction
And totally proud of it.

Your One and Only Wish
Do it one by one, don't look ahead!

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?
3. Your first initial?
4. Your monthof birth?
5. Which color do you like more, black or white?
6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7. Your favorite number?
8. Do you like California or Florida more?
9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?
10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
Are you done?
If so, scroll down

(don't cheat--)

THE ANSWERS
1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose:
Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black: You are conservativeand aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you
love.
Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are
down.
3. If your initial is:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to
blossom.
S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in:
Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you
fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but
the memories will last forever.
July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experience a major life
changing experience for the good.
Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your
soul mate.
5. If you choose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time
but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do
anything for you, but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.
8. If you choose...
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
9. If you choose...
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday


If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be? Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press Play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool..
Scene-- Band/Artist--Song Title

1. Opening Credits: Give Em’ Hell, Kid –My Chemical Romance (Works Well)
2. Waking up: Video Girl (Live) –Jonas Brothers (Well, I usually DO wake up and play at least one of their songs)
3. First Day of College: One of THOSE Nights –The Cab
4. Falling in Love: SOS –Jonas Brothers (Sorta…)
5. Kiss Scene: Hoist the Colours –Hans Zimmer (Seriously?)
6. Fight Song: One Step Closer –Linkin Park (Perfection)
7. Breaking Up: Snakes On A Plane (Bring It) -Cobra Starship, The Academy Is, & The Sounds
8. Graduating College: Miss Independent –Kelly Clarkson (Dorky, but good for this.)
9. Big Break: So What –P!nk (Surprisingly good pick.)
10. Mental Breakdown: Great Escape –Kevin Rudolf (I couldn’t have chosen anything better for this.)
11. Driving Song: Live To Party (Live) –Jonas Brothers (And that makes 3 JB songs in the shuffle; at least it works well.)
12. Flashback: How Do You Sleep (feat. Ludacris) –Jesse McCartney (Good for a flashback of a guy.)
13. Getting back together: Check Yes Juliet –We the Kings (Lurve it)
14. Wedding: Welcome To My Life –Simple Plan
15. Birth of Child: Glamorous –Fergie Feat. Ludacris (Uh, no.)
16. Paying Dues: Helena –My Chemical Romance
17. Moment of Triumph: The Pretender –Foo Fighters (Yes!)
18. Final Battle: By Your Side –Tokio Hotel (Haha, no way.)
19. Death Scene: Beat It –Fall Out Boy (I have a very odd death apparently.)
20. Funeral Scene: Let’s Go –Trick Daddy
21. End Credit: I’m Not Okay (I Promise) –My Chemical Romance (At least it ends with a good song.)


Snippets of my daily life:

(On the phone)
Sister- Is it raining there?
Me- Yeah, really hard; I’m starting to gather animals for the Ark.
Sister- You’re not bringing them inside, are you?
Me- (shakes head)

(While following a hot-air balloon)
Me- Look, it’s landing over there!
Mom- Where?
Me- (points) THERE! It’s landing over yonder!
Mom- So I’m chasing a pirate over yonder?

Me- If we’re going to follow them we’ll need code names.
Alyssa- Cool! You can be Plays With Squirrels!
Me- Awesome, I love it! You can be Dances With Dolphins! (Long story)

(Talking about Bill from Tokio Hotel)
Haley- I love Bill sooo much! He’s so hot!
Me- Really? You do know he looks like a chick, right?
Haley- No he doesn’t!
Me- (overly loudly) Yeah he does, he looks like a total girl!
Alyssa- Yeah, he does look awfully feminine.
Me- See? He’s totally a chick!
Random Dude at our school- (in a girly voice) I know right? Like OMG!
Me- You know we were talking about you, right?

(On a school bus next to BFF Cha-Cha)
Me and Cha-Cha- (putting on eyeshadow)
Kyle- How can you do that on a moving bus?
Me- Easy, practice.
Kyle- (starts looking through my make-up bag)
Kyle- (pulls out eye lash curler) What the heck is THIS?
Cha-Cha- It’s used to cut off fingers.
Kyle- Yea right.
M
e- (grabs curler and holds it up menacingly) Would you like to test that theory?

(While dying my hair purple)
Dad- What are you doing?
Me- Nothing.
Dad- Then what’s with the foam on your head?
Me- Oh, that, nothing, my brain has rabies.
Dad- Well, don’t get any on the floor.

(Talking to brother when he was going to Florida)
Brother- You better not get Sampson (my dog that used to be his) fixed while I’m gone.
Me- Don’t worry, I won’t let anybody fix him. I promise.
Bro- Good.
~Ten minutes after brother pulls out of driveway~
(On phone with vet)
Me- Yeah, I need to make an appointment for my dog.
Vet- Okay, what for?
Me- To get him fixed.
Vet- All right we can do it tomorrow at 9am.
Me- Kay! See you then!

Brother- So, how do I look?
Me- Good, but you smell like a two dollar hooker.
Bro- Perfect!

Mom- What are you wearing?
Me- (looks at legs) Pants, right?

(On the phone)
Brother- Your bird just called me an AHOLE!
Me- Give him a treat for me, will ya?

Cha-Cha’s Mom- What are you doing?
Cha-Cha- Building a fort.
Cha-Cha’s Mom- Out of what?
Me- Styrofoam cups.
Cha-Cha’s Mom- Why?
Me- Because we couldn’t find any plastic ones.

Me- You poop on my parade.
Neighbor- That’s not how it goes.
Me- Say’s you.

(Waiting to pull out of parking lot at baseball game)
Cute Parking Guy- (knocks on window) You can pull around over there, you’ll get out a lot faster. (We’d been there for 30min already)
Mom- Really? Thanks!
CPG- No problem.
Me- (yells out window as we start to pull away) WE LOVE YOU!
CPG- I love you too!

Dad- (Laughing) What is that?
Me- A wig. See (pulls back blonde wig to show him)
Dad- Oh good, why are you wearing a wig?
Me- It’s for a costume thing.
Dad-What costume thing?
Me- Just a thing. (Breaking Dawn party)
Dad- You’re not going to get arrested for it are you?
Me- No.
Dad- Okay, have fun.

(Texting)
Cha-Cha- Hey gurl, whts up?
Me- NM, I just cleaned my closet
Cha-Cha- OMG! Any diseases?

(On the phone on the way to Tokio Hotel concert)
Mom- So where is this concert?
Me- The House of Blues.
Mom- And it starts at 8?
Me- I think so.
Mom- Okay... please try not to get arrested.
(OMFG! WHY DO MY PARENTS ALWAYS SAY THAT TO ME!
It's not like I've ever actually ever been arrested!)

(At a restaurant for friends B-Day, I ordered escargot for the heck of it)
Anna- So are you going to try it?
Me- (holding snail on tiny fork) Yea, I'm just trying to build myself up to do it... Okay, here goes...
Everyone- (watches intently)
Me- Hmmm, that's actually REALLY good!
Nema- Wow, I don't know how to say this, but...
Me- (laughing) What?
Nema- You have huevos (balls) for ordering that.
Everybody- ROFL

(At Hot Topic)
Mom- And why do you want red zebra pants?
Me- Because Kevin has them!!
(I actually ended up getting pink leopard pants instead, but I still want the zebra ones.)

(At a baseball game)
Madi (my sister)- The guy who's up to bat is from Canada.
Me- Really?
Mom- A?
Me and Mom- (look at each other and start singing loudly) OH CANADA, OH CANADA!
Madi- Dang, he's out!
Mom- Maybe we shouldn't have sung...

(At Same Baseball Game)
Me- OMG, that guy is so HOT!
Mom- Which one?
Me- The one in the dugout!
Mom- (looks) You're right, he is cute.
Me- I KNOW! And he keeps smiling at me!
Mom- Oh really? You think he realizes that you're JAIL BAIT?"
Me- Wow, that was nice of you.

(Whispering)
Abs- When Bo turned around it looked like he was going to strangle him (kid in class).
Me- I know, he really hates him doesn't he? I wonder how long it will be before Bo strangles him.
Abs- Hmm, I don't know.
Me- You know, I'm just going to laugh when he does.

(At School)
Bo- Is he (kid in my class) gone?
Abs- Yeah, he went to take a test.
Bo- OH MY GOD! He is so annoying! I hate him, his voice, his face...
Me and Abs- ROFLMAO
Bo- And you keep encouraging him!
Me- (still lmao) What?! No I wasn't!
Teacher- (Sits down, jokingly) No more laughing, school is serious!
Me and Abs- (laugh harder)
Bo- (fakes innocence) I was just telling them two to stop laughing.
Me and Abs- rofl, again.

Me- So we're getting a new guy in our class? When?
Teacher- Yes, on Monday.
Me- Really? Is he cute?
Teacher- (rolls eyes) Turn around and do your work before I have to lock you up.

Owen- You're going to gouge your eyes out?!
Me- NO! I said I was going to cut my bangs off!
Owen- Well if you did you could get a glass eye and put it in somebody's drink and say you have eyes everywhere.
Me- Eww, I would never get a glass eye, I'd have an eye patch so I could be a pirate!
Owen and Abs- But I thought you said you weren't going to gouge your eyes out?
Me- I really need to start hanging out with people my own age.

(At baseball game)
Me- We're eating ice cream with a spork.
Madi- Is that even a real word, spork?
Me- Yeah, it's a real word.
Madi- Sporks are cool.
Me-Yeah, but I prefer foons.
Madi- Foon? What's a foon?
Me- You know, a fork and a spoon.
Madi- Isn't that just a spork?
Me- Yeah, but foon sounds cooler.
Madi- So is foon a real word?
Me- No, I'm pretty sure that one's ours.

Sis's friend Kristen- (walks out of my room, disbelievingly) Oh. My. God. It looks like a Jonas Brother threw up in your room.
Me- Really? Which one?
Kristen- I don't know! The one with the sideburns!
Me- (nods head knowingly) Ah yes, Kevin.
Kristen- Yeah, whatever, I don't care. I hate the Jonas Brothers.
Me- Good to know, now get out of my house.

(I get in car)
Mom- (looks over) What are you doing with a traffic cone?
Me- His name is Bob, and I rescued him.
Mom- You rescued him?
Me- Yes, he was all alone in a parking lot and he looked sad.
Mom- Why do I even ask?
Me- No idea.

(Walks into room where we keep my parrot, Pickles)
Pickles- Hey Gherkin! (he thinks that's my name, lol.)
Me- Hey Pickles, what's up?
Pickles- JONAS BROTHERS!
Me- Who taught you that?
Pickles- Nick Jonas.
Me- Seriously bird, who taught you that?
Pickles- (in a raspy voice) Why so serious?
Me- I dislike you.
Pickles- THANK YOU!

(At the signing for The Host)
Me- (gets up to table where SM is signing) I have a question.
Stephenie Meyer- (OMG! I talked to her!) What is it?
Me- If you chucked Edward in the fire would he catch? Or do you have to rip him apart first?
SM- (laughs) Well, vampires are pretty fast, he could probably beat out the flames before they did any damage.

(Driving out to air show)
Mom- We're in Southlake right now, does that mean anything to you?
Me- Football?
Mom- Besides that, who lives out here?
Me- OMG! THE JONAS BROTHERS! (looks around frantically and sees random neighbour hood) YOU THINK THEY LIVE OVER THERE?

(At Air-force base for air show, all the military was recruiting like mad)
Cute Army Guy- Have you ever thought about joining the Army when your older?
Me- Ha ha, yeah right. I'd NEVER join the Army.
Cute Army Guy- Really? Why?
Me- Because if I ever joined any branch of the military it would be the Marines.
Cute Army Guy- Why's that?
Me- Because I'm the best, and so are the Marines.
Hot Marine- (walks up behind Army Guy and claps him on the back) Smart girl. How old are you?
Me- 15.
Hot Marine- (smiles) Well you got a few years, but when you're older we'd love to have you. (walks away)
Me- (to Cute Army Guy) They're more fun to look at, too.

(In doctors waiting room)
Mom- Why do you like that Generation Kill show so much?
Me- Because it's funny, and the Marines are hot.
Mom- You know your brothers friend was a Marine.
Me- Who? Felix? He looks like a pedophile.
Mom- Shh, don't say that.
Me- Why not? You know it's true. You even told me to lock my door when he was in town and spent the night at our house.
Mom- No I didn't!
Me- Yes you did, then you offered to let me sleep in your room.
Mom- Okay, fine, I did. But that's because I don't think he would see it as being a pedophile, he would probably see it as giving you a 'unique' opportunity.
Me- Well, this just got weird.

(On the phone)
Me- I can't find Yoyo (our dog).
Mom- Well when was the last time you saw him?
Me- When he ran out the front door...

Me- Why does McDonald's only put one pickle on their burgers? I mean, it's not like they don't have a ton of them, what are they doing saving them for a nuclear fallout?
Mom- Yeah, probably. After all they would most likely survive, they're practically embalmed in vinegar.
Me- OH MY GOD A NUCLEAR BOMB! (high pitched) QUICK, SAVE THE PICKLES!

Me- Honesty is the best policy, occasionally.

Me- You know Abs can burp the ABC's?
Mom- Well, at least she has something to fall back on.
Me- What? Professional alphabet burper? Yes, that's a very lucrative career.

(To Yoyo, our Husky)
Me- My muffin!

Me- You either get busy living or you get busy dying; or you could get busy digging holes for people who are already dead, but that's kinda morbid.
Mom- Well thank you for the lovely commentary, sweetheart.

(On Halloween)
Rachel- Our costumes are so awesome!
Me- (pops collar on jacket) Oh yeah, we pimpin.

(Trick-or-Treating)
Rachel- Grr, these people aren't answering!
Abs- Why do they even have a light on if they aren't going to answer?
Me- (screams like a girl in a horror movie and walks away)
Abs- I think I'm deaf.
Rachel- Are you going to do that at every house?
Me- Only if they don't answer.

(Halloween, again)
Abs- MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Rachel- HAPPY EASTER!
Me- HAPPY LEIF ERIKSON DAY!
Guy Pretending to be gay- You guys are so silly, you don't even know how silly you are... (sees me) GASP! OMG! You're not silly, you're the Joker! You're awesome, I LOVE YOU!

(To brother's friend)
Me- If you don't shut up I'm going to whack you with a hard salami.
Brother's Friend- Hard salami?
Me- Yes, and I shall not feel any remorse.

Me- I hate dogs.
Cha-Cha- Then why do you have four?
Me- Stupidity.

(Talking to Mom about our Pitbull, Gus)
Me- I think there is something wrong with his butt.
Mom- What do you mean?
Me- He's always sitting there doing this (throws head back, waving it from side to side licking air) like he's trying to scratch his butt, but can't, and if scratch it for him he acts like you're God's gift to the world. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE PATHETIC THAN A PITBULL THAT CAN'T SCRATCH HIS OWN BUTT?!

(In the car with Dad)
Dad- (about a mini coupe) That's a nice car, and they're coming out with a bigger one that holds four people.
Me- Honestly, I don't care what type of car I get, as long as it has four wheels, goes when I press the gas, and stops when I press the brakes. The whole 'stop when I press the brakes thing is especially important.

Me- (trips over own two feet)
Abs- Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Abs- (writes names of Twilight couples on back of notebook) What do you think?
Me- It looks good, but I want to fix one thing. (crosses out 'Rosalie' and writes my name by 'Emmett') There, all fixed.

(On way home from school thing)
Me- That one guy kept staring at me.
Abs' Dad- Which one?
Me- The quiet one with the big nose.
Abs- You mean the engineer?
Me- Yeah that one. You know people always stare at me, it's creepy, or maybe I'm just paranoid.
Abs- I'm going with paranoid.

Me- We're out of paper.
Mom- What kind? Towel, toilet, blow, rolling...
Me- Printer. And seriously, blow?
Mom- I meant tissues, I couldn't think of the word.
Me- See, this is why I can't take you anywhere.

Me- If I ever have a son I want to name him Felix Demetri or Felix James Demetri.
Mom- What if your husband doesn't like that name?
Me- Screw my husband.
Mom- You're not allowed to do that.

Mom- (shouts from kitchen) YOUR DAD SAYS 'ENTOURAGE' IS BETTER THAN VAMPIRES!
Me- (shouts back) BITE ME! VAMPIRES WOULD KICK THOSE 'ENTOURAGE' BOYS SKINNY LITTLE BUTTS! AND THEN DRINK THEIR STD INFESTED BLOOD!

Katelyn- Am I orange?
Me- No, why?
Katelyn- I put on some powder.
Me- Oh, I don't use powder, I don't need it.
Katelyn- If you did it would be like this (points to notebook paper) color.
Me- Yep, I'm so white.
Jay- (pulls out of desk) Huh?
Me- I said I don't wear foundation, and she said if I did it would be that (picks up paper) color.
Jay- Naw, you'd need this (touches my whiter than white bracelet) color.
Me- Okay, I get it, I'm PALE!

Me- (mutters) Everyone is having fun at the expense of my paleness.
Katelyn- (confused) You're eating pencils with penguins?

J- You have really pretty blue eyes.
Me- Thanks, they're not mine.
J- (confused look)
Me- They're contacts.
J- Oh, you tripped me out for a second there.

(Me and sister in kitchen)
Dad- (from living room) WHAT? THAT SHOULD BE A TOUCHDOWN!
Me- (manly voice) FOOT-BALL!
Sister- FOOTBALL!
Dad- FOOOOTBALL!

(walking to 'haunted' house)
BFF's Friend- (touches my hand for some reason) Wow! You have to softest hands!
Me- And the award for weirdest complement of the night goes to...

(Mom pulls up beside random jogger)
Mom- Pardon me, do you have any Grey Pupon?

Me- OMG!
Cha-Cha- What?
Me- I HAVE AN IDEA!
Cha-Cha- What?
Me- Hold on, I just had it... dang, it's gone.
Cha-Cha- That happens a lot, doesn't it?
Me- Yeah. Idea's are always zooming around my head, and every once in a while I manage to grab hold of one, but most of the time they just zoom by. (points above head) LOOK! THERE ONE GOES NOW! I just love the 'woosh!' sound they make as they fly by.

Mom- I think Pickles likes the Christmas tree.
Me- Yeah, he's gonna be sad when it's gone. Maybe we should keep it up all year.
Mom- And decorate it for every holiday? Like Valentines Day, that's next right?
Me- Yep, unless you want to do it for Martin Luther King Day.
Mom- Well, you do have black balls, don't you?
Me- ROFLMAO
Mom- OH SHUT UP! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!

Mom- (runs into our home office) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God (starts digging through desk drawers)
Me- What?
Mom- I don't think I paid for this (pulls out floss) when we were shopping. (Looks on receipt) NO I DIDN'T, I STOLE IT!
Me- (laughing) OH MY GOD! YOU COMMITTED A FELONY!
Mom- SHUT UP! IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!
Me- (still laughing) YES IT IS!

(Right after the Cowboys got beaten really bad by the Eagles)
-phone rings-
Me- Hello?
Grandma (big Eagles fan)- Hi sweetheart, is your dad there?
Dad (big Cowboys fan)- (yells to my mom from couch) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!
Mom- How do you even know it's her?
Dad- Because she always calls to brag when the Eagles beat the Cowboys!
Me- (into phone) He refuses to talk to you.
Grandma- So I guess he's pretty upset about them getting stomped?
Me- Well, when we got home we did find him in the bathroom, clutching his blanky, crying...

Me- Haven't you ever heard you ever heard the saying: hear no evil, see no evil...
Abs- (cuts me off)(points at me) I SEE EVIL!

(at baseball game when it was 45 degrees)
Baseball Player- (to me) How are you not cold? You don't even have long sleeves.
Me- I've got ice water in my veins.
Mom- It goes with her black heart.

Mom- I wish we could go to New Orleans.
Me- You know that's said to be, like vampire mecca, right?
Mom- No... maybe we shouldn't go then.
Me- Why, you afraid I would run off the join them?
Mom- You're insane.

J- If the world ends in 6years, like I'm predicting, you're gonna be going, "J told me this was gonna happen."
Me- Oh yeah, because if it's the apocalypse I'm not gonna be thinking, "Oh my God, I'm gonna die," I'm gonna be thinking, "Well, J told me this was gonna happen."

Owen- I don't even know your name.
Me- Are you serious?! I've been here longer than you!
Owen- Well, what is it? Matilda?
Me- NO! Oh my God! That's so far off, that's like me saying your name is Muffin!
Abs- Which it's totally going to be now.

(talking about these 3 brothers at our school)
Me- So they're not triplets?
Abs- No.
Me- Well I thought they were!
Abs- Yes, but EVERYONE else knows they're not!
Me- Why am I always the last to know things?!
Abs- Because you're exceptionally unobservant.
Me- Well, thank you, Edward.

(Talking to one of the brothers I thought were triplets)
Abs- So are you and your brother twins?
Dilly- No...
Me- It's cause you're triplets, right?
Dilly- No.
Abs- I told you that already.
Me- Well I was just checking.

J- You listen to rap?
Me- Yeah, until I was, like, 13 Eminem was my favorite artist.
J- Naw, you're kidding me right? You dont really listen to rap.
Me- Yes I do. Why is that so hard to believe?
J- Because you're like the whitest-white girl ever.

(in Barnes and Noble)
Mom- (picks up book and flips through) My God, this is a lot of words.
Me- It's a book, mom, they tend to have those.

Me- I want a tattoo, like right... here. (shows right side above waistline)
Mom- We should go get one.
Me- Are you serious?
Mom- Why not? I've always wanted a rose on my ankle.
Me- We should bring Madi (sis) with us and she can get one, too! We'll all get roses with little differences, you can get a normal rose, I'll get one with a blood droplet from the thorn and Madi can get a purple one.
Madi- (walks in front door)
Me- HEY MADI! WE'RE GETTING TATTOOS!
Madi- HOW MUCH WINE HAS MOM HAD?

(before JB 3D movie, Miley Cyrus is onscreen)
Me- (loudly) BOO!
Half the theater- BOO!
Mom- Stop starting things!

(really late at night, slaphappy)
Mom- You know, if Kevin does end up getting married you can always marry Nick instead, he is the cute one. Either way I better have curly-haired grandbabies.
Me- (rolls eyes) Okay mom.
Mom- You'll never be able to tell him you were in love with his brother though.
Me- Whatever you say, mutti.
Mom- I want my grandkids to call me "mutti" instead of grandma, too.
Me- Mutti, need I remind you that I'm 16, don't know the Jonas Brothers, and it's probably never gonna happen. (jokingly) Anyways if it doesn't I'll just marry Jackson Rathbone instead.
Mom- Who?
Me- Jasper. He looks like a young Johnny Depp.
Mom- Well, that's fine too.
Me- Except he's 24, and there's an 8 year age difference.
Mom- Nevermind that, I've changed my mind, you're marrying David, instead.
Me- Who?
Mom- The kid I work with, he's really sweet and smart.
Me- Yes, but he's old.
Mom- He's 22, younger than Jackson.
Me- Yes, but Jackson is going to be rich and famous; whereas David works at Starbucks.
Mom- He's going to be rich, too. Like I said, he's very smart, he's just working there while he's in school.
Me- Whatever, mutti.

(10 minutes later)
Me- You know, Madi can have David instead.
Mom- Why?
Me- Because they're almost the same age, and he most likely thinks I'm a freak.
Mom- Why do you think that?
Me- Well, let's see: First time I met him I was dressed like a skank in emo makeup because I was coming home from a Tokio Hotel concert, the 2nd time he met me I was dressed like a vampire with super black hair, gold eyes, and inhuman pale & sparkly skin, and THEN the third time he met me I was dressed up like the Joker, green hair, clown makeup and everything.
Mom- Good point. (shrugs) He's too good for you anyways.
Me- Way to be maternal there, mom.

Me- So, what are you doing for spring break, Muffin?
Muffin- Working.
Me- What? You're 12, you don't have a job.
Muffin- I meant on school work.
Me- Ohhh. You know I had a job when I was 13.
Muffin- What was it?
Me- Stripper.
Ab- (laughs really loudly)

(A week after my and my dad had painted my room)
Me- Sooo... I decided that simply because you want me to, I will move into the front bedroom. (it has a bigger closet)
Dad- Mmm-hmm.
Me- Of course it will need to be painted first.
Dad- I just painted it a few months ago!
Me- I know, it's the wrong color.
Dad- Well I'm not doing it again.
Me- Fine, I'll do it. Don't get mad when it looks horrible though.

(3 days later)
Me- Just so I don't get yelled at when I do it anyways, I can paint the front room, right?
Dad- No.
Me- Okay, well, I'm off to paint then.
Dad- It doesn't really matter what I say, does it?
Me- (over shoulder) Nope, not really.

(Late Saturday Night)
Dad- Sonufabi--!
(from the other room)
Me- Lovely mouth, vati!
Mom- What happened?
Dad- (comes in room) The tv just broke, and the repair place isn't open until Monday!
Me- Le gasp! Whatever shall you do? You won't start foaming at the mouth or anything from withdrawl, will you?

(Sunday Morning)
Me- (walks downstairs and sees dad and brother carrying object in front door) Oh my God. What is that?
Mom- (walks into room) You have got to be kidding me! You BORROWED a TV?!
Brother- No, Ned left it over my house and we need something to watch the game on.
Mom- So you stole it?
Dad- Sorta.
Me- (looks at mom) And now I finally know why I'm insane. It's genetic.

(When our 10in fish died, mom burying it in yard)
Mom- Maybe we should say a few words...
Me- Okay. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust; sorry, fishy, you're too big to flush.
Mom- Why do I bother?

(walking down sidewalk, pass tricycle in middle of path
Cha-Cha- That's always there, in that exact same place. Once I even threw it in the middle of the street and now here it is again.
Me- That's weird.
Cha-Cha- Yeah, but I had some good luck right after I touched it...
(Both of us stop walking and glance at each other)

Me- IT'S MAGIC!
(Cha-Cha and I start running back to tricycle, and grab onto the bars)
Cha-Cha- Here! Rub your face so the luck is all over!

(Later)
Me- You know, when we're together we create a never ending source of entertainment.
Cha-Cha- Yep, like that guy in McDonalds.
Me- Yep. Did you really have to tell him that your lamp is azul?

(At Car Dealer)
Mom- What's that noise?
Me- (listens) It sounds like there's a cat someplace...
Car Guy- There shouldn't be, I don't have a cat here...
(Mom & I start poking around room looking for the source of noise)
Me- It stops the closer you are, and when you walk away it starts again, louder.
Mom- Maybe it's a car alarm...
Me- That goes off when you're NOT near the car...? Riiiiiight...
Dad- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WILL YOU LOOK AT THE DAMN CAR WE DROVE AN HOUR TO SEE?!

(While Dad was signing papers for "the damn car we drove an hour to see")
Mom- I still hear it.
Me- Me, too. It sounds like it's coming from that Lexus SUV, now.
(we open door and look inside)
Me- Nope, not in here... maybe it's under the hood...
Mom- A cat in the hood of a car? That must be some stupid cat.
Me- (shurgs) It's happened before. (pops hood)
Me- (to Mom) Look inside.
Mom- Why don't you?
Me- Because it might be a really huge, evil bug. I mean, there are a lot of bugs in here.
Mom- (glares at me) I hate you sometimes. (looks in hood)
(We got a call from the guy who owns the dealership 3days later, who told us he found it, and that it was a tiny kitten that could fit in your palm that had somehow gotten in a car.)

(At BFF's house)
Me- (pulls up in my shiny, new-to-me silver PT Cruiser) (puts car in park, pulls out phone, and dials BFF's number) Hey, come outside.
Cha-Cha- We're not leaving yet, I need to take a shower, just come in, the door's unlocked.
Me- I will, but first come outside.
Cha-Cha- Why?... You didn't get a car, did you?
Me- (fake clueless) Who me? A car? Never!
Cha-Cha- (screams in my ear, drops phone, runs outside, pulls me out of car, and tackles me to ground in hug) OH MY GOD!
Me- Wow, you're more excited than me... that's slightly disturbing...
Cha-Cha- (gets off me and helps me up) When did you get it?!
Me- (dusts self off) I got HIM about 2hours ago.
Cha-Cha- AND YOU WAITED THIS LONG TO TELL ME?...Wait...him?
Me- It's not that long by normal people's standards, and yes, him. I've named him Bernie.
Cha-Cha- Why?
Me- How else would he know when I'm calling him?

HOIST THE COLOURS- Pirates of the Caribbean 3

The king and his men
stole the queen from her bed
and bound her in her Bones.
The seas be ours
and by the powers
where we will we'll roam.

Yo, ho, haul together,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars,
never shall we die.

Some men have died
and some are alive
and others sail on the sea
– with the keys to the cage...
and the Devil to pay
we lay to Fiddler's Green!

Yo, ho, haul together,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars,
never shall we die.

The bell has been raised
from it's watery grave...
Do you hear it's sepulchral tone?
We are a call to all,
pay head the squall
and turn your sail toward home!

Yo, ho, haul together,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars,
never shall we die.

If you are a pirate and want to hoist the colours, copy and paste this song to your profile.


Good friends will pick you up when your fall, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh.(I must have GREAT friends then! lol)

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door. (I HAVE!)

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun! (I don't get this perk, my school is carpeted and without halls.)

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. ~Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Tu madre! Yes, you just got burned in Spanish. Would you like some ice for that Spanish burn?

They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people. (So true...)

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. (I know mine do!)

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

My favorite word is sarcasm. (Yep, totally is.)

"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it you moron!" -Stewie Griffin

"You know, I do not think that means what you think it means." Inigo Montoyez

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else.

Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again

A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that.

I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to.

Guys should be like lattes-rich,strong,and hot

Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

Why are the Force and duct tape the same?-
Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together!

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? (Ah, so true...)

When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (And now he won't give them back!)

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.(Actually done this, I don't advise it if it's lightning.)

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Be who you are and say what you feel for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind- Dr.Suess

If you have ever read a 250 pg + book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile. (Hmm, let’s see, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking dawn only took 10hrs, Harry Potter 1-7, and many many others.)

If you actually know what a semi-colon is, copy and paste this into your profile.

Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. If you can raed tihs cpoy and ptsae

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. it's ether my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think it's Colin.

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Muffins are just ugly cupcakes...but we love them anyways. (Especially the double chocolate ones, mmm.)

It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

"Never hire a colorblind electrician."

"If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it." (I'm really good.)

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."

"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib." (I picture Emmett every time I read this...)

"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."

"After all is said and done a heck of a lot more is said than done."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."

"Happiness is your dentist telling you “it won't hurt a bit,” and then he catches his hand in the drill."

"The good news is that you may have screwed up my past and created my present but you have no control over my future."

Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

If you can't convince them, confuse them. (It works 99percent of the time! :-)

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. (Not always true though, I mean I'm pretty sure he likes the JB and they have a TON of money, that could be the only case though...)

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher. (My dad told me that when I was younger.)

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. (Sad, but true.)

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.

If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. (I know it's me.)

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? (I REALLY like that idea.)

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.

The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe. (I apparently believe in putting vampires in incredibly awkward situations.)

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

SARCASM is just another free service I offer.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes i just don't show up.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Education is important; school however, is another matter. (I firmly believe this, I mean I get straight A's in school and I very rarely show up.)

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable.

Boys are like skateboards; they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls. (I actually do...)

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive. (I did this recently to my closet, when I told my bff she said, “OMG! Any diseases?” no joke, it was that bad. Crap piled over a foot high, and it's a very large walk-in closet.)

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?

Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.

Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

Forgiveness is the scent a rose leaves on the heel that crushes it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

"Sometimes I wonder 'why is the Frisbee getting bigger?' then I get hit in the face."

"The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide."

"All those who have telekinesis, raise my hand."

"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."

“I am sick of people having a near deathexperienceand saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That’s not GOD…it’s a MAGLIGHT!” ~Tony V.

Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone’s in style.

So what I’ve got a smile on, but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.

I didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you. (What I said to my brother throughout my childhood.)

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I love my computer, because my friends live in it.

I'm the person your mother warned you about. (Believe it or not that's true to a degree)

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

Copying from a single source is called plagiarism, copying from multiple source is called research.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

You are the piss to my pants.

Be kind to a stranger, coz you'll never know; it just might be an angel, knocking at your door.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Well, sorry just doesn't cut it...scissors do.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. (I'm usually right, and the very rare times I'm not my sister and mom say, "See you don't know everything.")

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

It doesn’t mater if you win or lose, but it matters if I win or lose.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. (Same is true for sane thoughts)

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. (I'm my BFF's weirdo, and she is mine!)

Live dangerous…Run with scissors.

I’m so clever that sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m saying

Love is like snot. You keep picking at it until you get to it, then you wonder what to do with it.

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel; just pray it isn’t a train.

Practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so whats the point of practicing?

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

I’ve got a problem for your solution.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards. (grins evilly)

You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.

If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.

I’d rather be pissed off than be pissed on.

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing charades. No one will believe you.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humour.

It is no accident that ‘stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts’.

I’m not sleeping. I’m just looking at the insides of my eyelids. (Teachers do no fall for that one)

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper – long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong time.

Hear no evil. See no evil. Make some evil. (this is a Waffle of Doom creation)

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile (I did this when I went to public school, I got A LOT of weird looks, not that it was really any different from any other day in that sense though...)

If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile. (At least I don't think I have...)

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile. (Almost every night...)

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this is your profile (My friends laugh at me for it)

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste thingys, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are random and don't care, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If random songs just pop into your head at any given momet, from 'I've Been Working On the Railroad', to the Animorph version of the Barney song ~I hate you, you hate me, let’s chase Barney up a tree ect.-Personally, I like this version better~ to your most favorite song ever, copy and paste this onto your profile. (ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME!)

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile. (A girl called me weird once, I smiled and thanked her!)

If people mistake you for a vampire copy and paste this onto your profile. (I have the some of the palest skin in the world)

If you have a ridiculously long profile, copy and paste this onto your profile to make it longer.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this onto your profile. (All the time...)

If you think that TWILGHT is the best book known to man...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've had at least one friend move away from you...copy and paste this onto your profile. (Pretty much all of them, maybe I'm scaring them away...)

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile. (As long as I’ve got my best friend, I’m good!)

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile (Every time I meet a hot guy, otherwise I never shut-up)

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever felt like killing someone ~or more than one person~ because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy copy this into your profile (Ahem my sister)

If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile(It's a world of monkeys and I am their queen, they call me Zartha there.)

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.

If there are times when you just want to annoy people for the heck of it then copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this in your profile

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile

If you think rock, paper, scissors solves everything then put this in you’re profile!

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "where to begin?"

If you are in lala land most of the time copy this into your profile.

If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile. (They've been throwing themselves at me lately...)

If you have embarrasing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.

If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that losers hate/don't get Twilight, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile.

If when you have a child, you'd consider naming them Edward, Bella, Alice, or any other Twilight names, copy this into your profile.

If you truly believe, there is an Edward Cullen somewhere for you (Doesn't mean his name has to be Edward Cullen), copy this into your profile.

You know your addiction to Twilight is getting dangerous when you've added "Volterra" to your computer's dictionary. If you have done just that, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile

If you are crazy and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile.

If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile. (More times than I can count...)

If you KNOW the voice in your head are real, copy and paste this onto your profile!

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the ABC's song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune.

If you know at least five words to the song 'I Love Rock n' Roll', put this in your profile.(Hmm, let's see... I love rock n' roll, hey look! I do know!)

If you have ever attacked someone with joy, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have someone you love as a sister, copy and paste this into your profile.

If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.(During one of the Harry Potters, when Sirus died, but it was around 1am and I was slap-happy so I have an excuse.)

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If you've ever tried to lick your elbow and knew that it was physically impossible, copy this to your profile. (I still try to, and I'm determinded to actually do it one day.)

If you have ever tried to put you foot behind you head, copy and paste this into your profile. (I have succeeded ;-)

If you've ever busted a move/burst into song randomly, copy/paste this into your profile.

If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, and fell & hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before, copy and paste this into your profile. (I wear heels A LOT and one day I was being clumsy and I fell in the store 3TIMES in the same aisle and just started laughing and couldn't stop, people looked at me like I was on drugs.)

If someone mentions Twilight, you can go on for hours talking about it, copy this to your profile.

If you are so obsessed with Twilight that it is NOT even funny anymore, copy this into your profile. (See the next two copy and paste things for further info)

If whenever you see or hear the name "Edward" you freak out and have a small fit because you love him so much, and then people stare at you, copy and paste this into your profile. (A guy that worked at a store I was at was named Edward and he was so rude and unhelpful that I started telling him-off about how he didn’t deserve the name ‘Edward’, he looked scared.)

If whenever you see a silver Volvo and you start to scream "Edward", copy and paste this in your profile(actually what I do is shout “VOLVO” every time I see ANY Volvo, and whenever I see a Volvo S60R, the type SM said Edward has, in silver I scream “OMG! EDWARD’S VOLVO!” and I pout whenever I see the type of Volvo they gave Edward for the movie, I actually cried the first time I saw one of those. I REALLY don't like them.)

If your friends are considering torturing you because you won't shut up about the Twilight series, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you are in love with a Twilight character, copy and paste this in your profile. (Let's see, Jasper... Emmett... Edward...)

If you flip whenever you see someone reading a Twilight series book and you want to talk to them all about it, copy and paste this in your profile. (A lady was reading New Moon at the JB concert before it started and I started to freak!)

If you are Team Edward, copy and paste this in your profile.

Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that hasn't, put this in your profile.

If you think the Coca-coca Puff Turky-Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile.

You can blame all your problems on two invisible people named 'Juan' and 'Cindy', if you believe this, copy this into your profile. (I made this one up all by myself!)

If you took the time to read all of these (and you usually do), copy and paste this onto your profile

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Bitter Sweet Symphony by I'mwiththevampires08 reviews
Rose and Edward make a bet. Will the school playboy be able to turn Bella into a vixen and get James to ask her out to prom? Will Edward make a good teacher and teach Bella everything she needs to know? Oh yes, there will be lemons! All human, OOC and Can
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 35 - Words: 201,689 - Reviews: 8733 - Favs: 5,448 - Follows: 5,119 - Updated: 1/13/2010 - Published: 9/7/2008
Without You by Savannahbobanna reviews
Bella is on her own when she finds the clearing. When Laurent finds her there, her werewolf saviors are nowhere to be found. Is Laurent a good guy, or will his bad side overcome him? I deleted it... for some reason. I can't really remember why...
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 36,132 - Reviews: 377 - Favs: 389 - Follows: 212 - Updated: 12/3/2009 - Published: 3/4/2008 - Bella, Laurent - Complete
Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ reviews
Set at the End of Bella's Junior Year. Hilarity ensues when the Forks Gang is forced to endure Sex Education class with Coach Clapp. Chapter 1 is Jasper POV, and each subsequent chapter is from the perspective of a different character.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,726 - Reviews: 2144 - Favs: 3,567 - Follows: 1,667 - Updated: 8/28/2009 - Published: 4/2/2007
Love in the Mirror Room by forbiddenkisses reviews
What if, on that fateful day in the ballet studio, James and Bella had realized they were intrigued by and attracted to one another? Is it Stockholm or destiny? What would Edward do if he could find no traces of either of them when he got to the studio?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 77,966 - Reviews: 959 - Favs: 1,174 - Follows: 462 - Updated: 8/12/2009 - Published: 2/28/2009 - Bella, James - Complete
EMMETT CULLEN by omaigooo reviews
If you are reading this, that means you've just purchased your very own EMMETT CULLEN. Go throught the guide for more information on the item purchased. Funny.one-shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,265 - Reviews: 80 - Favs: 93 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 5/11/2009 - Published: 3/8/2009 - Emmett - Complete
The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE! by LindaRoo reviews
Hilarity ensues when Edward comes back at the end of New Moon and he and Alice get Mrs. Cope to change their schedules to put them in Bella's gym class. How can they appear human when their superhuman athletic aptitudes keep getting in the way?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 74,371 - Reviews: 1984 - Favs: 2,240 - Follows: 1,683 - Updated: 3/9/2009 - Published: 2/27/2007
Changes by whatdoyoulivefor reviews
AU: The unthinkable happens--Bella gets pregnant. The Cullen family aren't the only ones intrigued. Typical pairings. First fan-fic...rated T for now.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 30 - Words: 88,861 - Reviews: 335 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 195 - Updated: 2/6/2009 - Published: 7/14/2008 - Bella, Edward
Catch the Wind by Savannahbobanna reviews
Axelle is seventeen, but her parents still haven't told her their secret. A new kid at school catches Axelle's fancy. When all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, Axelle has some big choices to make. Part three to the Twist of Fate Series.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 37 - Words: 56,324 - Reviews: 803 - Favs: 250 - Follows: 202 - Updated: 12/31/2008 - Published: 4/3/2008 - Complete
Notes by Llama Mama23 reviews
Edward and Bella are caught passing notes in class. The teacher has the note read to the class. A series of embarassing events ensues, including Edward in a trunk, Bella in a gas mask, Carlisle as Tarazn, and Emmett with blue hair.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 25,990 - Reviews: 2874 - Favs: 2,068 - Follows: 980 - Updated: 12/29/2008 - Published: 5/14/2007 - Complete
Priority Client by Eowyn77 reviews
Breaking Dawn. Lawyer J. Jenks gets to know Mr. Jasper. I began this over on R&T but since the site is down I'm continuing it here. Enjoy!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 7,100 - Reviews: 223 - Favs: 302 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 12/7/2008 - Published: 11/23/2008 - Jasper, Jenks - Complete
Emmett's HitList by twilightaddict13 reviews
It's a Sunday afternoon and Emmett is bored out of his mind. The rest of the family went hunting. Emmett cooks up a plan and picks up the phone,"Hey, Bella.I know something we can do. Come over as soon as you can." Used to be a one shot!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 16,447 - Reviews: 185 - Favs: 74 - Follows: 72 - Updated: 12/5/2008 - Published: 5/24/2008
Emmett and his freakout list by Warrioroftheseventhstar reviews
Emmett is makeing a list of things he can do to freak his family out. But he also adds in Bella. He reaches into the dark places of his mind to make the list. But will the family find out that such a list is real? This is a ONESHOT! Please R&R!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,948 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 10/30/2008 - Published: 6/5/2008 - Emmett - Complete
Major Jasper and Blackbird by Calendulam reviews
Bella talks in her sleep. Emmett gets an idea. Jasper/Bella bonding ensues.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,389 - Reviews: 414 - Favs: 1,295 - Follows: 211 - Published: 8/20/2008 - Jasper, Bella - Complete
Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army! by LindaRoo reviews
The ultimate combination of horrific AU plotlines...but in character, reasonably plausible and actually written in proper English! Cowritten with the hilarious MarcyJ! We are writing this a breakneck speed, so look for updates often
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 7 - Words: 19,423 - Reviews: 343 - Favs: 95 - Follows: 111 - Updated: 8/6/2008 - Published: 3/1/2008
James and Bella by three.hills reviews
Bella and James in the ballet studio, with lemons? Edward's reaction? Warning: this is a very intense fic. There is some violence and it is a bit dark. Review if you like! I am always like to hear from fellow James lovers! Updated due to popular demand!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,177 - Reviews: 409 - Favs: 336 - Follows: 395 - Updated: 8/5/2008 - Published: 5/24/2008 - Bella, James
Edward and the Bed by tara sue me reviews
My take on what happened at the Cullen house the day Edward bought a bed. One-shot.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,058 - Reviews: 879 - Favs: 1,542 - Follows: 265 - Published: 7/30/2008 - Complete
Aiding and Abetting by Calendulam reviews
Bella spends an evening with Emmett and Carlisle while the rest of the family is away hunting and Edward is decidedly unamused when Alice has a vision of what they're up to.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,308 - Reviews: 136 - Favs: 397 - Follows: 65 - Published: 7/18/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Emmett Versus Drive Thru by Twilight Mischief reviews
My way? But I came here for Bella!" Emmett has some fun while doing some errands for Alice. Can fast food survive Emmett?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,310 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 7 - Published: 7/14/2008 - Emmett - Complete
Top 26 Ways to Annoy a Vampire by moon.cherry.twilite reviews
Not your usual list. What #200 on the 'You know you're obsessed with Twilight when...' was referring to.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 438 - Reviews: 77 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 14 - Published: 7/11/2008 - Complete
Through Alice's Eyes by ChelleyBean reviews
AU - Things might have gone a bit differently if Alice had met Bella first.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Family - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,213 - Reviews: 103 - Favs: 153 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 6/3/2008 - Published: 5/28/2008 - Complete
Chaos at the Cullens by nope7777 reviews
Emmett and Jasper have a bet... Who can cause the most chaos within their family? Join them through the tears, blood, and unconsiousness- of course, all belong to Bella. Written for a challenge
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 8,130 - Reviews: 154 - Favs: 72 - Follows: 48 - Updated: 6/3/2008 - Published: 5/17/2008 - Complete
Family Therapy Cullen Style by vjgm reviews
Carlisle has had it with the children's constant bickering so he sends the Cullen's to family therapy. Suicidal Edward,Bella's fear of committment, Alice addicted to shopping, Rosalie's hostility, Emmett and Japer's gambling..who will survive? FUNNY
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 69,221 - Reviews: 8435 - Favs: 7,639 - Follows: 1,786 - Updated: 5/15/2008 - Published: 11/10/2007 - Complete
Luxuria by nia-ox reviews
Jasper and Bella are left alone for two days, and when the Cullens come back, Bella has to deal with the aftermath. Bella's POV, my first fan fiction.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 30 - Words: 51,256 - Reviews: 972 - Favs: 909 - Follows: 281 - Updated: 5/5/2008 - Published: 3/23/2008 - Bella, Jasper - Complete
Moonlight Serenade by Savannahbobanna reviews
The Cullen family moves back to Forks after sixty years. One surprise after another await them. Part two to A Twist of Fate.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 14 - Words: 20,182 - Reviews: 427 - Favs: 455 - Follows: 196 - Updated: 4/3/2008 - Published: 2/11/2008 - Bella, Jasper - Complete
This is My Beloved Son, in Whom I Am Well Pleased by Minisinoo reviews
Why, after more than two centuries alone, did Carlisle break down and turn a 17-year-old boy? He told Bella it was because Edward's mother had demanded it, but in all his years of life, surely she wasn't the first. Why did this boy get under his skin so?
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,799 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 349 - Follows: 48 - Published: 3/17/2008 - Complete
50 Ways for Emmett to Annoy His Family by Melody Cullen reviews
Here is a list of 50 things Emmett a.k.a. The Master of Annoyance has done to annoy his family! Not good at summaries! Please R&R!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,508 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 3/10/2008 - Published: 3/5/2008 - Complete
Facing the Music by Eowyn77 reviews
Forks is rocked by a scandal involving the perfect Cullens.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 14 - Words: 11,855 - Reviews: 236 - Favs: 219 - Follows: 91 - Updated: 2/16/2008 - Published: 9/18/2007 - Complete
That Was My Siblings by ronOReds reviews
Edward's family decides he needs a push in the right direction when it comes to getting physical with Bella. What methods do they resort to in order to get their message across!
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,373 - Reviews: 379 - Favs: 535 - Follows: 103 - Published: 2/5/2008 - Complete
Attention, WalMart Shoppers by sillybella reviews
Edward has decided Bella needs protection. What kind ofprotection? The kind you can buy at Walmart. In the pharmacy.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,536 - Reviews: 1732 - Favs: 3,151 - Follows: 654 - Updated: 1/29/2007 - Published: 1/24/2007 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Day of Reckoning reviews
After 'the incident' involving Jasper, in the lunch room, naked; Jasper, with the help of Edward, has decided to get revenge against Emmett for the role he played in it. SEQUEL TO SHOWER STORIES.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 6,606 - Reviews: 279 - Favs: 96 - Follows: 134 - Updated: 5/29/2009 - Published: 8/12/2008 - Jasper, Emmett
A Very Vampiric Christmas reviews
Bella is enjoying Christmas Eve with our beloved Cullen's, nothing weird could possibly happen right? It's not like Jasper has a thing for reindeer...
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,872 - Reviews: 176 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 29 - Updated: 12/25/2008 - Published: 11/25/2008 - Emmett, Jasper - Complete
Shower Stories reviews
Jasper walks in on Bella while she's taking a shower. What will happen when Edward finds out? How does Bella react to this? RATED T BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT JASPER HAS A POTTYMOUTH!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 11,827 - Reviews: 762 - Favs: 251 - Follows: 162 - Updated: 8/12/2008 - Published: 6/26/2008 - Jasper - Complete
Time to Wake Up! reviews
Emmett helps wake Bella up with a not so pleasant surprise. RATED K FOR STUPID HUMOR. Oneshot for now
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 759 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 70 - Follows: 15 - Published: 7/25/2008 - Emmett, Bella - Complete
Beat That! reviews
Emmett's bored so he asks Jasper to play rock, paper, scissors with him. No good can come out of it. EVER. ONESHOT Rated T for very mild language
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 359 - Reviews: 98 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 6 - Published: 6/26/2008 - Emmett, Jasper - Complete
Music Lovin' Brothers reviews
What concert has Emmett and Jasper jumping around and squealing like pre-teen girls? Does Emmett REALLY own a Madonna cone-bra? This and many other questions answered in my slightly crazy story. ONESHOT
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 520 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 6 - Published: 6/26/2008 - Emmett, Jasper - Complete
The Birds and the Bella reviews
Emmett's left alone to watch Bella and decides to attempt to tell her about 'The Birds and The Bees', emphasis on the word attempt.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 546 - Reviews: 120 - Favs: 112 - Follows: 11 - Published: 5/4/2008 - Bella, Emmett - Complete
Emmett's Bean reviews
Emmett does something he shouldn't, big shocker there.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 845 - Reviews: 77 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 7 - Published: 5/2/2008 - Emmett - Complete
Edward's Confession reviews
Edward has a confession to make that may be upsetting. It involves a Jonas brother, him, and Vegas. That's all I'm gonna say!
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 732 - Reviews: 55 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 5/2/2008 - Published: 5/1/2008 - Edward - Complete
Edward Loves Rhonda reviews
Edward gets Rhonda pregnant. Just so you know, Rhonda is the Volvo. Yep, it's demented.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 434 - Reviews: 83 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 15 - Published: 5/1/2008 - Edward - Complete